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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about Christmas?

110 replies

AmericanFanjoStory · 18/11/2014 15:56

This may be long, so for that I sincerely apologise...!

I'm the NRP to my 3yo DS, I have him 3 days a week and occasionally over weekends. I live with my DP and this Christmas will be the first Christmas together as a couple. It also transpires that my parents and my younger brother are without a place to go this year so I've said that we'd happily have them down. I'm also going to be having my son from 4pm through until the 27th, and so this is a massive deal for me. I love Christmas and for the first time ever I am hosting Christmas in my house and I'll have my family with me rather than being on my own/with ex-p's mum and dad.

Trouble is - my DP hates Christmas. And by "hate" I mean "loathes with all the depths of Tartarus"... He will not discuss it, he will not participate in discussions, he will not be cooking dinner, he has steadfastly told me that I have to buy my own Christmas presents, wrap them, and then give them to myself - he won't even write the gift label! - and he won't watch Christmas films or listen to Christmas music.

He has explained that, due to various traumas and stigmas growing up, that he hates Christmas, and I'm trying really hard to accept that. But I adore Christmas, so my compromise has been that I'll tone it down if he puts up with it with minimal complaint. He then countered that he'll "pretend to care", but only when my son is around. I was okay with that.

Cut to yesterday. I bought my son his own Magic Key for Santa to use. He loves the idea, ExP has one, my mum has one, and its considered a tradition nowadays. Well DS showed DP it, all excited, and DPs response was to tell him that it wasn't necessary because Santa is magic anyway so I'm silly for buying it, as I should "know better"...

He claims that was him trying to get involved and now doesn't know why I'm so furious with him - I'm angry because he could have gone along with it for 30 seconds until it had passed rather than calling me out on being an idiot in front of my boy - and that if I'm that annoyed at his "participating" then he isn't going to tolerate Christmas any more. Even tried convincing me to take the tree down... (yes my tree is up...no I don't care! :D)

Christmas is a massive part of me, and of my life, and I can happily go along with anything that he likes that I don't, why can't he do that for me IYSWIM?

I've tried being understanding and sympathetic towards his feelings, but it's seeming like he doesn't care about my feelings so why should I give a damn about his? Has anyone got any ideas on how I can go forward with this?

OP posts:

GahBuggerit · 18/11/2014 16:36

How long have you been with him?

gamerchick · 18/11/2014 16:37

Tell him to piss off somewhere else till new year if he's going to be such a knob about it.

Any man that couldn't pretend and called me names in front of my child would get the sharp end of my tongue.

bigbluestars · 18/11/2014 16:38

Sorry but I wouldn't want him in the house over the christmas period. Either buck up or get out.

Original poster

AmericanFanjoStory · 18/11/2014 16:39

Bit of a mixed bag here... Okay so tree goes down and I dial it back - but how do I get him to actually make the effort? I've told him that since it's my name on the lease he can go to his mothers house over Christmas and I'll stay here, since I will be hosting either way. But that I'd love it if he were there and I want to start creating traditions with him that help him change the way he sees Christmas.

But he is just stubbornly refusing. He told me he'd go away for the week, but I didn't think he was being serious because, frankly, he can't afford to just up sticks for a week and since we both work in Hospitality we are working over the festive period. I just want him to smile and be merry while my boy is around.

OP posts:

Badvocinapeartree · 18/11/2014 16:39

It isn't a great relationship.
He completely dismisses smithing very important to you.
Run for the hills.

GahBuggerit · 18/11/2014 16:41

Awww I actually cant get the image of your little 3 y/o DS all excited and then that miserable twat shitting all over it for him :( . Can't be bugger off somewhere until its all over?

Original poster

AmericanFanjoStory · 18/11/2014 16:41

And I've been with him since March of this year, but I've known him for longer. We because very close friends and then things happened that progressed to us dating, and then living together.

I'll be back on this thread later - please keep going. Any ideas on how I can soften him would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:

Titsalinabumsquash · 18/11/2014 16:42

Don't take the tree down! He's being incredibly dramatic, his need to be seen to hate Christmas is rather juvenile.

I don't think you can work out a relationship long term if he's going to make 1 month out of 12 miserable for not only you but your son.
He only has to nod along and smile before going for a walk or a drive if it's that big a deal.

ginnybag · 18/11/2014 16:43

No, don't take the tree down now - your DS helped and he won't understand.

Agree that Christmas will be limited to Advent next year, though - i.e. not bloody touched on until 1st Dec. You can still be buying things early etc - just don't talk about it!

Three-and-a-half weeks - Dec 1st - 25th is enough for anyone. I love Christmas, too, but I find that if I start too early, I 'peak', and then the day is a total anti-climax.

As for your DP - yes, he needs to get over this, a bit. He has a small child in his life now, and he needs to allow for that. The world doesn't let them have magic in their lives for very long anymore - not the real, proper, I-believe-in-Santa-and-fairies kind, and that's a shame. He doesn't get to ruin that for your son, whatever his past.

Has he told you why it's such an issue? Or is he just saying 'it was non-specified 'bad' - so I'm going to be a grumpy arse and there's nothing you can do!' If there's a genuinely outstanding and unusual reason, he may have grounds for compromise. If it's the second, time to pull his socks up.

Original poster

AmericanFanjoStory · 18/11/2014 16:43

P.S Most of his reasons behind hating Christmas seem to stem around money, and how he could never afford a Christmas when young so he just sees it as a waste... I've cut all sorts of corners, presents on a budget, food from Lidl instead of Tesco or ASDA like I normally would, frozen instead of fresh, less treats, no alcohol etc... but he is still not okay with it...

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 18/11/2014 16:44

You're not really prepared to meet him half way are you though?

You don't have to "pull off" Christmas. It doesn't have to be a major production.

For your first Christmas living together could you not find something that would make you both happy, a different way of doing it, simpler perhaps but just as joyous.

Because Christmas will come around again and again, and this problem is not going to go away.

bigbluestars · 18/11/2014 16:49

How have things been in recent years at christmas. Has this come as a surprise? Did he celebrate or join in last year? Did you have any inkling that this would happen?

GahBuggerit · 18/11/2014 16:50

OP you wont soften him, especially as his reasons for not liking Christmas are frankly, shit.

Hes just a miserable bastard about Christmas by the sounds of it, he wont change. You can though. Id be getting rid of this knob as my Christmas present to myself IIWM.

Your poor little DS, dont take the tree down now its up, he wont understand, hes only 3 :(

ginnybag · 18/11/2014 16:51

Out of interest - when did you start on Christmas....

Because if you're into 'where am I getting the food' territory, is it possible that he's just had week and weeks of all-Christmas-all-the-time, and he'd had enough?

HeartShapedBox · 18/11/2014 16:53

I fucking HATE Christmas.

however, my kids (and any other little ones I know) think I love it just as much as they do because I go along with it and all the bollocks that go with it with a big smile and faux-enthusiasm so I don't spoil it for them.

I think he should suck it up.

girlywhirly · 18/11/2014 16:55

Perhaps he can arrange to work a lot over Christmas eve/day/Boxing day and stay out of your way. I don't think you get him to make an effort because he won't, and it will cost him his relationship and his home ultimately. He has to realise this for himself. I've no idea how he can manage to work in hospitality and be OK with customers and not manage it at home over Christmas.

Hatespiders · 18/11/2014 16:57

So his hang-ups about Christmas are about having had no money when he was young? I was thinking perhaps this has to do with abuse of some sort when he was a child.
He's not poor now, nor a child. It's time he grew up and had a bit of consideration for your little one (and for you!) He sounds totally mean-spirited if he can be so heartless. I'd say you were incompatible as a couple. I dread to think how he's going to behave when your family are there, putting a huge damper on the festivities. Either he shoves off somewhere for the duration or bucks up big-time for everyone's sake.
My dh is a Muslim and had never experienced Christmas until he came to UK many years ago. But he adores it, the tree, the decorations, presents, everything. And he even comes to Church with me on Christmas Day!! Because he says 'he wants to be by my side at the Great Festival'
I'd rethink this relationship as it could be a source of great unhappiness for you with this man.

mojo17 · 18/11/2014 16:59

Hmmm well there are two opposites sides!
If he seriously cannot step up for your 3 year old I really don't see this relationship lasting I'm sorry
You are already cutting back and co mpromising please just think if you will end up both being miserable because you are hoping he will be amenable or trying to jolly him along
And all in front of your family how will he be with them?
Embarrassing and awkward situation for all with an atmosphere on the day
I would ask hi, to either join in or go to his mums

GahBuggerit · 18/11/2014 16:59

What HatesSpiders said.

With great big fuck off jungle bells on especially for the Grinch

GahBuggerit · 18/11/2014 17:01

haha Jungle bells......whatever they are

YouTheCat · 18/11/2014 17:02

He sounds like a controlling misery.

Lots of people had no money for Christmas when they were young. Plenty of people have had a shitty Christmas or two over the years. But most people suck it up and try to make it special for those they love.

I don't think you're compatible. Would he tone something down if you didn't like it? Doubtful.

TeaForTara · 18/11/2014 17:12

I think you are both being a bit U, but mostly you. He doesn't want to see or hear anything about Christmas, you want a major all-singing all-dancing shindig with the whole family round. These two things are incompatible. If your idea of scaling it back a bit is putting the tree up in the middle of November, I hate to think what the full-scale production would have been and I can see why he is freaked out.

As you can see from this thread, most "normal" people who are OK about Christmas think the middle of November is far too early to put a tree up. I appreciate that your son wanted to do it with you, but you have him every week FFS, it's not like this was the only chance you had to do it together. The main point, though, is that you put the tree up with no consideration whatsoever for your DP's feelings, only that you and your DS would have fun doing it.

The best way to solve this incompatibility would have been to have a small-scale, cosy Christmas just the two of you (and your DS later) to get him (DP) used to the idea that Christmas can be fun and pleasant. But you've invited your whole family over - did you do that unilaterally or discuss it with your DP first? I get the feeling you sprung it on him as a fait accompli. Does he already know and feel comfortable and relaxed with your parents and brother? From his point of view, he's Christmas phobic anyway, and has to deal with that stress plus the added stress of being judged by his PIL and BIL and forced jollity with DS. He will be feeling backed into a corner and on the defensive - and the best form of defence is attack!

The PP saying his reasons for it are pathetic don't know him and don't know what he has gone through in his life. If you had made every effort to compromise, properly tone things down, and accommodate him and he was still being a complete arse about it, then fair enough; he would be the unreasonable one. But I think you are ramming it down his throat and then moaning when he doesn't play nice. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/11/2014 17:12

For me tgat would be a dealbreaker in a relationship. I love Christmas, I çoukd not share it with somebody who felt that way about it. Tge response 'do the fuck you like' suggests that he doesent care!

Scholes34 · 18/11/2014 17:15

Compromises needed all round, and that includes you, OP. I can't believe anyone would want to put their tree up mid-November, especially when they have the Grinch living with them.

For me, the magic of Christmas comes around 22-23 December when I bring in holly from the garden, start on the first home-made sausage rolls and mince pies with mulled wine and cosy up with DH by the Christmas lights. It's magic because it's a treat, rather than an every day occurance.

Rein it in, OP and enjoy it intensely closer to Christmas, and DP might get into the Christmas spirit too.

snice · 18/11/2014 17:22

My DP doesn't enjoy xmas for various family reasons but he does try to join in for the sake of the children. For my part I get on with what needs doing without involving him as he's just not interested in presents, wrapping, special food etc. I respect that and wouldn't dream of putting a tree up in Nov or making him wear a xmas jumper or anything like that. There needs to be some give a nd take. One yr his depression was so acute that he went back to bed after the children had opened their stockings and didn't appear until lunch at 2,

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