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Original poster

To Want My MIL And FIL To Stop Suggesting I Get A Job

123 replies

Lauren1983 · 17/11/2014 23:15

I'm a SAHM to a 21 month old. I worked up until my maternity leave and since then my OH has been the sole earner. Before I met my OH I had managed to save up a decent amount of savings and when my maternity leave ended I paid off the outstanding debt on our new car (I don't drive so in essence it's the OH's car).

I also have been the one to buy the majority of my daughter's things (travel system, stroller, cot, mattress and bedding, car seat etc).

My OH does pay all the bills but I never ask him for money, if I want something I use my savings.

Anyway my MIL and FIL keep hinting at me to find a job and only last week my FIL told me about one he had spotted.

The decision for me to stay at home was a joint one as a couple and one that suits as all but it's getting frustrating when they mention me not having a job nearly every time we see them.

It would also be tricky to find work which fits around my OH's hours as he works shifts..either 6am-4pm or 4pm-3am and we have nobody in the family who could babysit for free.

Part of me wants to tell them to do one but maybe they are just looking after their son's interests?

OP posts:
TheNewClassic · 18/11/2014 18:08

a quick question after reading some comments:
If someone of either sex lives in a house which is owned by the other person who pays the mortgage, what do you suggest they do to get themselves out of that vulnerable situation? short of asking to be put on the deeds (which isn't fair as you didn't pay for deposit nor contribute to the mortgage) there isn't anything that the non home owning party can do is there?

jellybeans · 18/11/2014 18:12

morethanpotatoprints I agree. Some people just blindly follow what they are told and that they should work a magic 40 hours a week to be valued yet you only get one life. If you believe unpaid work in the home is just as valuable to your family and you have the chance to do that then why not, life is short and time is precious. Heck it may even be better to stay home if you have a partner who can then work more flexibly and better hours/away etc. No worries re childcare etc.

Also some studies show single earner families have a higher tax burden so it isn't as though they do not contribute!

3boys40 · 18/11/2014 18:19

well witches my dh paid almost 29k in tax and ni last year so as a family unit we are hardly a drain. op it is none of their business and your role is just as valid.I for one will not be working for negative money just so I can pay tax and ni. o and unless op goes back to work and earn 50k she will still get child benefit

jellybeans · 18/11/2014 18:20

TheNewClassic

I am on the title deeds yet didn't pay financially towards mortgage or deposit. However I have done sole childcare and house stuff for 15 years enabling DH to work! So I do feel it is fair actually in those cases.

Not sure in the position where a partner already has a house when you met though. But if they have a child and are getting married it would be reasonable to pool resources and assets surely?

LightastheBreeze · 18/11/2014 18:21

EVERYONE pays some NI actually, no matter how low they earn. I had to pay it when I was 16 and only earning £60 a week on a weekend job.

Not everyone pays NI

www.gov.uk/national-insurance/overview

3boys40 · 18/11/2014 18:26

i am actually self employed on very low earnings and have an exemption and I definately didn't pay ni on my saturday job.

cheesecakemom · 18/11/2014 18:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheNewClassic · 18/11/2014 18:31

Jelly beans I see that as you are contributing by being sahm!
just wondering about if they purchased the property before they met you. I have seen it before said that the woman is in a vulnerable position especially if they have children so wondering what the suggestions would be.

should the man or woman put the order on deeds?

should the man or woman continue to live in partners house knowing if it ends they will have nothing and be helpless?

Man or woman save up and put money into the house and go on deeds?

no idea

Surreyblah · 18/11/2014 18:34

Being a SAHM is a financially vulnerable position to be in when you are not married.

AnnoyingOrange · 18/11/2014 18:40

TheNewClassic, surely the obvious solution is to get married which then gives the SAH parent protection

TheNewClassic · 18/11/2014 18:41

Apart from marriage I should have said.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/11/2014 18:43

You can legally protect the deposit you solely paid into a property and still allow your oh to be on the deeds/mortgage.
I think couples should do this if they are married or not.
I wasn't on the mortgage to begin with as we could get more with dh income only, but once we had the mortgage my name was on as soon as possible.
Any man/woman not prepared to do this isn't really into the relationship imo.
It doesn't matter if you are a wohp or sahp you should both be equal in finance, especially where there are children.

Viviennemary · 18/11/2014 18:43

I think it's quite unwise in this day and age to have no income and to rely on another person for your financial well being. I know a lot of people are happy with this arrangement. But when people split up it isn't family money. The money belongs to the person with the salary and he/she will take their salary with them.

MiddletonPink · 18/11/2014 18:48

How are they hinting?
Maybe they think you want to return to work?

LightastheBreeze · 18/11/2014 18:51

OP shouldn't really be using all her savings as a non-earner, as that is her security if anything did go wrong. It would support her until she found some employment. It would leave her very vulnerable to spend it all.

jellybeans · 18/11/2014 19:00

'I think it's quite unwise in this day and age to have no income and to rely on another person for your financial well being'

It does leave you vunerable but to be honest many dual working couples RELY on both wages to work (how many WOH mums say they have to work to pay the mortgage etc-most that i know) so they too rely on each other for their financial well being.

And also it isn't often a decision made in a vacuum, often the good of the family is taken in to account and things like costs of childcare and lack of flexible work for the other partner may mean that it is simply better for one to SAH for the families well being (whilst they are together). Everything may change if they did split but sometimes it is the best decision at the time.

Failedspinster · 18/11/2014 19:02

OP, it's not their business. At all. Tell them that the joint decision is for you to be a SAHM ATM and that's what you both think is best. I agree with PPs who have said you might want to think about your financial situation for the future.

as far as your PILs go, your work at home is work just as much as my paid work is. Don't let them make you feel bad.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/11/2014 19:07

jellybeans

I totally agree, there are many families who lose the equivalent of a full salary to childcare and work related costs, they need both salaries to function.
When they split the dc still need childcare and there are still work related costs.
I know several women who have given up work when splitting up as majority of the time the rp is the mum.

Viviennemary · 18/11/2014 19:09

I agree Jellybeans. When the DC's were young we both would have been sunk financially without the other. Now both of us could manage quite well financially individually. I just think people are more vulnerable when one salary pays for everything and things go wrong. It must be horrible to be struggling along and see your other half waltz off into the future with the large salary whilst you're struggling to make ends meet.

Bulbasaur · 18/11/2014 19:20

If you both agreed for you to stay home. Why are you using your savings instead of his money? If you are both on board with you staying home then his paycheck becomes both of your paycheck, since you are saving him money on childcare. You are earning the money they same as he is.

Stop using his savings. If he doesn't like it, it tells you about where he stands in the relationship and that you need to absolutely get a job in case he jumps ship.

Pensionerpeep · 18/11/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fattyfattyyumyum · 18/11/2014 21:16

Don't see how the shift pattern of your OH affects childcare. Nurseries open 8-6 minimum so you can work a full day and do drop off / collection. Boils down more to of your wages cover the cost, but I assume so if you've built up decent savings in the past

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 18/11/2014 21:32

Ffs if you choose to be a sahm it's noones business but yours and your partners.

Tell him to sort them out.

They probably want to have your dd while you are at work.

It's none of their or anyone's business.

Original poster
Lauren1983 · 18/11/2014 21:42

Wow! I didn't expect this many replies...tbh I wanted advice on how to deal with my PILs and if they had a valid point and I should just suck it up so to speak.

I appreciate all the advice and it has given me some food for thought so thank you everyone, however I didn't ask for advice related to my savings/who pays for what etc and I feel a bit uncomfortable discussing that side of it.

OP posts:
naty1 · 18/11/2014 21:50

I would put all/most of savings in your name as you wont pay tax on savings.
You can go on the deeds.
Write a will each.
If something happened to both of you what about DC?
If 1 of you dies intestate the assets can go to their relative ie house to his sister/parents