To Want My MIL And FIL To Stop Suggesting I Get A Job

[Lauren1983]

I'm a SAHM to a 21 month old. I worked up until my maternity leave and since then my OH has been the sole earner. Before I met my OH I had managed to save up a decent amount of savings and when my maternity leave ended I paid off the outstanding debt on our new car (I don't drive so in essence it's the OH's car).

I also have been the one to buy the majority of my daughter's things (travel system, stroller, cot, mattress and bedding, car seat etc).

My OH does pay all the bills but I never ask him for money, if I want something I use my savings.

Anyway my MIL and FIL keep hinting at me to find a job and only last week my FIL told me about one he had spotted.

The decision for me to stay at home was a joint one as a couple and one that suits as all but it's getting frustrating when they mention me not having a job nearly every time we see them.

It would also be tricky to find work which fits around my OH's hours as he works shifts..either 6am-4pm or 4pm-3am and we have nobody in the family who could babysit for free.

Part of me wants to tell them to do one but maybe they are just looking after their son's interests?

I think the OP has mentioned buying all the things for their child from her savings as a way to show she's not 'living off her DP' which is what I feel she thinks the inlaws are hinting at. I don't see anything sinister in her buying the things if her DPs money is going on paying all their bills, food etc. sometimes people find it easier to separate their finances. It doesn't mean she's in a bad place with her DP if they've both agreed to do it this way and are happy!

Maybe they're looking after your interests as well as (or even rather than) their son's.

Point out that you'd have to pay for childcare which is around £10000 a year full time. You'd also have to find a job that fits in with your partner's shifts as childcare isn't always that flexible. My in-laws were shocked how much we paid for childcare.

Regardless of all the long term financial implications of not being married, you are doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't appreciate what you do at home as equally important as your husbands role. Of course you should have equal money.

Obviously none of their business and you both say it's a joint decision and change subject.

You could work and pay for childcare if you wanted, like anyone else, so long as you worked 'standard hours' and covered the costs, which with one child you would, working FT. Your DPs shifts are irrelevant.

But, if you'd prefer to look after your own child and can jointly afford that choice (will still have savings, both have pensions etc) that's great. Your choice.

I'd be curious to know why they're asking though. It may not be the reasons you assume. I'd ask them.

I would go back to work, too, if I were having to use savings to buy our child things and not married to my 'OH'. You are in a vulnerable position.

I never understand these problems. Is there any reason why you can't just say, 'but I'm not looking for a job just now, because x'?

They think you're looking for a job. You aren't. Surely this can be addressed in one or perhaps two sentences.

I also have been the one to buy the majority of my daughter's things (travel system, stroller, cot, mattress and bedding, car seat etc)

Why? Have I missed something or is your daughter also his?

If I knew someone who was living off their savings and never 'asking' their DP for money, despite having given up a job to raise their and their DP's child, then I would be encouraging them back to work too, although I appreciate that this would be rude.

Please don't take this the wrong way OP, but some people think others should just not be SAHMs.

A SAHM still uses the NHS and other services, but pays no tax or NI. And while childcare is very expensive, yes, some feel that they should still work (even if it's for a loss), because in the long term it will be easier to go back to work.

Also, you do get child benefit, which you may not get if you worked. There are some jobs that can be done from home, ie childminder.

Thank God no one I know thinks like the people WitchesGlove describes. I was 34 when I had dd's and had worked enough and looked after other people enough to be absolutely ready for wanting to look after my own family. Happy to out source somethings in my life but looking after the people I love the most????? No way. I would challenge them - they sound pretty narrow minded. There is now way on earth I would let anyone else look after my 21 month old unless I was absolutely desperate to earn money to feed and shelter us. I loved not "working" and I absolutely adored looking after my little children and thank god I chose a partner who thought I was the best, most creative person for the job. You really do only get one chance.

Witchesglove - the some people who think like that are idiots who should mind their own business though, so why would OP care what they think?

Everyone is different and needs to do whatever works best for them. I worked, but only part time. It brought in some extra monies for some luxuries we would not have had otherwise.

If your luxury (if you can call it that) is staying at home with your baby then so be it.

Tell the il's it was a joint decision to stay home.

What do you say to them when they start going on about jobs? Do you say to them, "But I don't want a job" or "DP and I have agreed that I'm not going back to work yet"? It seems like a strange thing for them to be going on about if they've been told you don't want a job. And it really isn't any of their business.

I'm going to get flamed, but yes, I do resent someone I know who is a SAHM when her kids are in their 20s and at uni.

She has basically never worked and no, her OH doesn't earn that much. They don't find it that much of a struggle though, because they live in social housing, I guess.

But when she easily COULD work and pay taxes, it seems unfair she can still use NHS etc.

My MIL and SFIL do this a lot. Even when DH worked away and I had 4 in 5 years, 2 with SN. I think they think their precious son is working to the bone while you sit around all day enjoying the fruits of their hard earned labour!! Hmmm DH used to admit going to work was a holiday camp compared to spending day with multiple DC! (and he does a very tough job!) Funny thing too is that my MIL never ever worked FT (did a few hours a week mostly once he was older) after having DH and she lived with her parents so had free childcare on tap...like to see her with 4/5 DC and NO family help!!

I have several family members I know who judge me for being a SAHM. ALL are WOHMs. They have backed off now I am doing an OU degree but now assume I can't wait to rush back to full time work once it is finished. They would be very shocked if I said that I wanted to do very part time school hours even if that meant doing something I don't need a degree for. No doubt they will judge me for that too!

To me, being with DC is the main thing in life and nothing else matters for now as much as being here for them. After going through hell to have DC (stillbirths, miscarriages etc) there is no way I could have left them at a young age even if I wanted to, but they wouldn't understand that so I have to accept they judge me but they are far from perfect themselves.

Sometimes controlling ILs want to get you back to work so they can look after the GC.

YANBU, they are being rude assholes.

Being a SAHM is a valuable role, as long as you and your child value it then ignore everyone else.

WitchesGlove What about all the PT workers and zero hour contract workers who don't earn enough to pay NI and tax. The government puts up the amount that people earn to take them out of tax, do you also think they should not use the NHS etc as they haven't contributed.

While it is non of their business, I can see the why they are doing it, and I for one respect them for it. They know their son, and they see what a vulnerable position you have put yourself in.

You have left your career and earning potential to stay at home.
You have spent your savings on baby stuff for a baby that is at half his.
You have moved into a house that belongs to him only
You use your savings from before you met him, to pay for stuff for you and baby.

What happens to you and your child if your relationship ends? If he asks you to leave? As you are not married, you have no rights. You have no stake in his house, he can chuck you out like any old sofa. And you have depleted most of your savings on baby gear, and no job. Or if he becomes hospitalized, you have no access to his money. And if he dies? You may find yourself homeless, unless he has left you his house in a will.

Extreme sports in my opinion!

how does your DP feel about being the sole breadwinner. It could well be that whilst he's agreed to this in principal, he may be finding the reality of it very stressful - I know DH did, even though he was happy for me to be at home, he admitted it was a relief when I decided to go back to work.

It's possible that he may have said something or your PILs have picked up that he's struggling with this. Or, of course, they could be being arses.

What are your long term plans?

'A SAHM still uses the NHS and other services, but pays no tax or NI'.

-Loads of people are not actually net contributors, your wage has to be pretty high to actually do this
-many working parents claim childcare or tax credits and many do not pay any tax
-paying tax does not make you a more worthy person, what about people with special needs who can never work/pay tax?
-what about people with mental health issues
-what about people who have stayed home so their DH can work away etc?
-what about carers for disabled children?