To Want My MIL And FIL To Stop Suggesting I Get A Job

[Lauren1983]

I'm a SAHM to a 21 month old. I worked up until my maternity leave and since then my OH has been the sole earner. Before I met my OH I had managed to save up a decent amount of savings and when my maternity leave ended I paid off the outstanding debt on our new car (I don't drive so in essence it's the OH's car).

I also have been the one to buy the majority of my daughter's things (travel system, stroller, cot, mattress and bedding, car seat etc).

My OH does pay all the bills but I never ask him for money, if I want something I use my savings.

Anyway my MIL and FIL keep hinting at me to find a job and only last week my FIL told me about one he had spotted.

The decision for me to stay at home was a joint one as a couple and one that suits as all but it's getting frustrating when they mention me not having a job nearly every time we see them.

It would also be tricky to find work which fits around my OH's hours as he works shifts..either 6am-4pm or 4pm-3am and we have nobody in the family who could babysit for free.

Part of me wants to tell them to do one but maybe they are just looking after their son's interests?

OP - I sympathise. I've had this from PIL while I'm on annual leave!!

(I suspect its related to me not spending my holiday giving them free legal advice, see other thread).

They seem to think I live off DH like some kind of goldigger, although I earn more than he does. I think some PIL think all women are goldiggers, unless they spend every non-sleeping moment engaged in some kind of paying work, preferably as a skivvy.

'I'm going to get flamed, but yes, I do resent someone I know who is a SAHM when her kids are in their 20s and at uni

But when she easily COULD work and pay taxes'

How do you KNOW she could easily work. She could have severe mental health issues.

If they can afford their lifestyle, why should she? Maybe she does all the unpaid stuff in the house and they both prefer it that way.

Mini -there is no problem is couples splitting the bills

However there is a vulnerability for a person who lives in a house which they don't own ( with a mortgage ) or don't pay rent on . Especially if that person doesn't have a job . Because if they split up , there is no legal contract and they are homeless and jobless. And that person is usually the woman, who has the care of any dependent children.

She is disadvantaged in the job market, because she needs to pay for childcare and arrange her working hours around childcare. And because she has taken time out of her career. This is why so many single mums and their kids end up in poverty . It's not because they are feckless and lazy .

The OP says that she

Lives in a house owned by her partner on which he pays the mortgage and the bills . So it's HIS house, not theirs .

Has given up her job to care full time for her partners child

Has used her saving to buy a car which only he uses ( I'm guessing therefore that he owns and insurer it so it's his is law )

Buys everything for their child from her savings

Pays for any " luxuries " for herself from her savings

Is planning to use her savings to buy a house which she will live in with her partner. He will then pay all the bills,including the mortgage, so he can show it's HIS house. Her name won't be on the mortgage because she's not earning .

So she and her child are very vulnerable . This is what most posters here are worried about.

OP, it really is none of their business, and perhaps you can discuss with your DP to back you up when his parents bring it up again.

And how you use and spend your money is up to you OP.

Gawd, I missed the bit about OP buying her dp a car, and planning to give him more money for another house he will own for them to live in.

I think you should listen carefully to your dps parents, and get your head out of the lovey dovey rose tinted sand!

OP don't buy a house with DP unless you are named on it, you can be a SAHM and be on the mortgage as I am.

At the very least protect your savings/deposit on house house legally so you can at least claim this back if the relationship goes tits up.

It is amazing what a man can demand, and get, from a woman, if he is just dangling the carrot of marriage in front of her. He could potentially take you to the cleaners, and it can turn out that HE is the real gold digger here! You are so scared to not been seen as a gold-digger yourself, that you let him walk all over you financially.

OP you mentioned getting married, is this before you buy the house. If you are wise it will be.

Also, if you are not married and you split up, you will only get maintenance for your child. It will not be taken into account that you have given up a career. A marriage certificate really is more than 'a piece of paper'. As others have said, don't put your savings into a house until you have a legal arrangement in place, be it through marriage or another legal contract.

It's none of their business, they would LOVE me. Just ignore their comments or be quite open back. "We are both happy with the arrangement right now, so I'm not looking for work but thank you for your suggestions".

When me and my DH moved 100 miles away we decided it wasn't worth me getting a job when we wanted to try for children in a few years time.

So I spent like a year off work only doing business admin for my DH. I'm now pregnant and expecting next year. But it's only now that people understand why and suddenly it's acceptable. We have no intentions for me to ever return to work (things all being well).

DH is insistent that I spend money he is earning though, he didn't want me hiding the cost of living by spending savings or money I had left in my own accounts. That took some getting used as I'm not used to spending money I didnt go out and earn myself but eventually that money runs out so might be worth having a chat.

It worries me when a woman's savings or income go on things that disappear ( like food and childcare ) or have no long term value ( like buggies and clothes ) or depreciate ( like cars ).

While a mans go on things that appreciate , like houses .

Especially when there is no legal contract in place .

I wonder why this seems to happen a lot ?

OP, I hope you haven't been too offended by pp moving away from the in-laws issue and focusing on your financial situation. It might seem a bit intrusive, as that's not why you came here in the first place. But there are literally dozens and dozens of threads on the relationships board of women who have been in exactly your position and, further down the line, find themselves vulnerable, desperate and confused as to how it happens.

Many of us have been brought up to believe that marriage is just a piece of paper, or that "common law" wives have the same rights - but it's just not true. I'm not suggesting anyone should get married for financial reasons - of course you get married for love. But if you take a glance at some of the threads on the relationships board you'll find women who have spent years living in your situation, considering DP's money mostly "his", and so relying on their ever-dwindling savings. Many have got into deep debt, others have been stuck in unhappy or even abusive relationships because they simply can't afford to leave.

You don't need to reassure us that your DP is lovely and appreciates you - I'm sure he is a great partner and loving father. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't protect yourself - if, God forbid, something happened to him, you would need to make sure you and your child had the financial protection you deserve. It's great that you're planning to get married (congrats!) but in the meantime I would urge you to:

• take a look at the Relationships threads
• have an open conversation with your DP about how you both perceive "his" earnings and your rights over them
• speak to a solicitor to get something drawn up for you both.

You might choose to go back to work when you both decide that's right for you as a family, but that's not for your in-laws to worry about. So I would suggest that your DP speaks to them and lets them know that it's your joint decision and that perhaps they could kindly mind their own business.

Lightasthebreeze-

EVERYONE pays some NI actually, no matter how low they earn. I had to pay it when I was 16 and only earning £60 a week on a weekend job.

And no, I don't think it's fair that such low paid people should subsidise SAHMs who COULD work but choose not to, to use the NHS.

Jellybeans-

I am close to one of her DD's and so I would definitely know if she had mental health issues- she doesn't.

Irrelevant if they can afford their lifestyle or not, why should others pay for her to use the NHS etc if she CAN work but doesn't want to? And what about the example she has set for her two adult DD's?

That's a great idea witches. Let's stop everyone who doesn't earn using the NHS -children ,pensioners , people with disabilities , carers, SAHPs. They can all just get sick and die or become disabled and save the taxpayers money .

But what will we do with all the orphaned children and disabled or elderly people who don't have carers any more ? We will have so may sick and disabled people who are too ill to work . Should we open workhouses for them? Or just let them live and die in the streets ?

Jellybeans-

The sick/ mentally ill/ carers for disabled children CANNOT work, so it is irrelevant.

I'm talking about people who CAN work and CHOOSE not to.

Many people feel that it is unfair that people can choose not to and still use all the services including NHS.

Out of interest, what do you think would happen to the UK economy if every working mother quit to become a SAHM for 20+ years?

The results would be disasterous!!!! And what about all the childcare workers who would have to be laid off?

KristinaM

If you read my post properly, that is not what I'm saying. I don't want to prevent ANYONE from using the NHS! but those who CAN work should contribute to the economy to help pay for themselves!!!!

I would be very ill if it wasn't for the NHS, I could not look after my children. My DH would have to give up work to care for us all. He employs 20 people, who would all lose their jobs and stop paying income tax, NI, VAT and corporation tax .

How would this save money ? Save £100 on my NHS bill a year. The country loses hundreds of thousands of pounds, and has to pay benefits costs for 20 families.

I would be really irritated by your in laws and would probably be quite rude to them as it is absolutely none of their business.

I can't see why so many people are getting worked up about the OPs situation. She said that they will be getting married soon. She has only been out of the job market for a couple of years so is hardly unemployable. I also don't get the concern about the fact that she is using some of her savings to top up her DP's earnings. I did that when my children were small too (for three years) and can't see the issue.

KristinaM-

You aren't reading my posts properly.
Can you physically work or not? I don't really understand yours.

I agree with KristinaM, your financial situation is very vulnerable.

Dozens and dozens of threads on here from women who did the exact same thing you are, for years, and wind up with nothing, no money, no job as they jacked it in to look after the kids so no recent job experience, and he flat out bails without so much as a backward glance.

'She said that they will be getting married soon.'

Soon is not now. He drops dead tomorrow, she has nothing.

Same with being out of the job market for two years. In some fields, this is career suicide.

It's really sad how many women sleepwalk into a situation which makes them and their children very vulnerable financially.

'A piece of paper'. So is a will, a title deed, a university degree.

'but those who CAN work should contribute to the economy to help pay for themselves!!!!'

Some people see the family as a unit. Eg one 'works' outside the home and one in or both part time 20 hours each. Some families decide one should care, saving loads on childcare, whilst the other does more hours hence more pay and more tax for his (or her in some cases) FAMILY.

if you say all those who can work SHOULD then what about those who work minimal hours? Is there a sliding scale of those worthy of NHS use? Should they all work a magic 40 hours a week? Should they keep doing more hours till they pay enough tax?

What if they have to claim more benefits TO work

Not everybody wants to work though, we have free choices in this country, just. Although lately its all about everybody working, its so sad.

OP, tell them to mind their own business and also remind them what you are doing to support their ds.
I'm fortunate that my parents and pil have supported our decision to have a long term sahp.

Soon is not now. He drops dead tomorrow, she has nothing.
Same with being out of the job market for two years. In some fields, this is career suicide.

If he drops dead tomorrow she will be able to go back to work. Two years is not a long time or career suicide in most careers. I would agree that if she doesn't work for many years she will be vulnerable particularly if not married but it isn't an issue yet.