To want a divorce over this

[Edenviolet]

Had a horrible argument with dh but I should add that there are ongoing problems in the relationship.

Dcs are all disabled and dh and I both have health problems so things are very stressful anyway. Dh gave up work for a few months recently but is now back part time so things are getting difficult again when he is there but I can see his point that it wasn't a long term solution and that he needs to keep his skills up.

Last night I found myself at 1030pm still trying to tidy up, making ds1 s packed lunch, weighing out dd2s snacks for school, getting their uniforms dry etc etc etc so the morning would be less stressed. Dh just sat and watched tv. I didn't want to start huffing and puffing and hinting at needing help so I asked outright and he begrudgingly loaded the dishwasher then sat down to watch tv again. I was a bit irritated.
I asked him to set the alarm for 630am so we could get up and organised on time, he said he would.

He didn't and woke me up at 7:05 and bearing in mind we have to leave at 7:50 after getting four dcs ready isn't really enough time. I had to run round like a headless chicken dressing dcs, getting breakfast etc. dh was doing a good job of looking as if he was helping but wasn't actually doing much iyswim

Going back to yesterday he had taken dds car seat out (erf) to drop mil off somewhere I asked him as soon as he got back to out it back in. He hadn't so tried to do it this morn and couldn't do it.
We were then late and dd1 missed her coach to school . Dh went mad and I was stressed yet he shouted at me I have no right to be stressed as I don't have to do the driving or work today.

Then he laid into me about my choice of car seats and he wants "what everyone else has" he hates the erf ones. I tried to explain they are safer he said its "absolute rubbish" and wants to chuck them away. He thinks dcs legs are cramped and I pointed out its better to break legs that your neck or die and he laughed at me and said I'm wrong.
I got really upset he said again I have no right or reason to feel stressed or get upset and if I didn't shut up he would stop the car and "piss off forever"

Dcs are in school, dh is dropping dd off which is well out of his way and he's angry, he didn't say bye to me or sorry and I feel like saying that's it I'm sick of being belittled, told my feelings and choices don't matter and criticised this way.

Personally I think your DH is a pig...
YY. I agree with Chipped on this.

Hedgehog I'm glad you feel your life has improved and that MN advice has helped. I'm also glad that you keep posting.

Sorry you've had a shit morning too OP. I think most of us experience these mornings where you oversleep, then chaos and irritation ensues.
If you post about it while feeling impassioned (a vent) it can create an impression of an ailing household, and replies pertaining to that impression can often be hard to take.
On the other hand, as with this thread, it can serve to bring things to a head. I think you'll go away from this feeling freshly resolved to organise your stuff more effectively. Which will be good.

I do relate to the undertone in this thread though. It always seem to be the women who tackle shit like this...always.
I'm afraid to say that among the men I know, from different backgrounds and personalities, I know of not one who would think to make family life at home easier in the mornings for everyone, by formulating and sticking to a fair and do-able plan.

I tell my own dh "I am sick of of being Chief Co-ordinator of Fucking Everything"...and to be fair, my dh is a peach. He's a pitcher inner, a pull his weighter, a hands on doer. But still...if I didn't lead, it would all fall to shit in no time.

Sorry but your MIL and dh sounds like two shits made from the same turd. I just read your last post and my jaw is firmly on the floor at them.

You and your DC's deserve so much better than this...

Just read the post about your mil. Good grief!!

I would never have got my finances sorted without mn, one poster helped me with a budgeting system and I went through every incoming and outgoing penny it has made a world of difference iam really really grateful for that.

I think its just a rant I needed, I can't do it in rl as there's just too much to get across but here I can type it out, some people remember previous threads too so I don't have to go over everything and I get so much support.

I'm hoping the driving lessons help and that my migraines stay away with new medication, previously they stopped me doing my lessons but so far so good as it'll help so much if I'm more independent.

you definitely sound like there is an unfair balance especially if your dh only works part time!!

I highly recommend a list of chores that need doing daily/weekly and assigning them to each of you so that you both know what is expected etc

wrt the car seats yes they are safer but a compromise may be needed to keep the peace ie give it another 6 months and then change them

mil needs to boil her head in a pan imo and your dh needs to grow a pair

the lunch issue where you have to pick your child up confuses ne, I assume health issues as you say training is needed but cam you not go in and do the lunch at school to save yourself some time?

Wouldn't it be great if we could choose our life partner and father of our children based on what we know when we're a jaded 40, as opposed to being in the idealistic flush of youth?
You'd know then to steer clear of a mamma's boy.
Age 25 - aww he's so close to his mum...that's so cute. He's such a good guy.
Age 40 -

Not that there's anything wrong with a man being close to his mother - providing she's not a poisonous, toxic waste of perfectly good DNA.

Oh of course. Good family relationships are a fluttery green flag.
But if he's mummy's little prince...

I'm so gobsmacked at your manchild of a dh! How dare he say that to you re: getting days at his mothers

I think you should just be quiet. Go about your business but plan your future. Try not to shout. It only upsets you and dcs.

The tips on here sound great. I hope he helps but if he doesn't then hopefully having extra uniform, planning etc.. will help you cope alone.

Mil, well what can I say? Monster-in-law.

Do you work during the week?

Having 4 children is always going to require daily military operations, never mind when disabilities are involved. You need to set things up during the week so that Sunday evenings like that never happen, and take responsibility for your own alarm clock!

Of course you're going to fight with your husband if you never have down time together, and Sunday evening, when the kids are in bed, should be the moment you have a glass of wine and curl up on the sofa with a takeaway to just be quiet together to take a deep breath before the week starts.

I don' think this is a divorce situation so much as a better planning situation. Your DH shouldn't be watching tv while you're trying to do everything in the evening on your own though and that definitely needs to be addressed, but NOT while you're feeling so fraught right now.

I agree with Gobbolino's suggestions above:

*Re: your sister. Not to be unhelpful obviously but could you ask her to make other care arrangements for herself at weekends and/or when you are terribly busy?

Re: the jumper/uniform, could you get some spare sets? Even second hand so you don't have to try and dry things quickly

Re: the sauce, can you try and have some spare things in so that if. Ajar breaks, you don't have to immediately replace it?

Re: the snacks, is it possible to have pre-weighed snacks or weigh out a week's worth?

You mentioned cannulas etc, obviously one of your DCs isn't well, can you buy in some support over the weekends etc to help with that?

Reading your post, it just seems like a build up of a lot of smallish things that might be possible to tackle?*

school need somebody trained to do dds insulin pump and also cover for the lunch hour to supervise her which isn't in place yet but should be soon. I could go in to do pump but as have ds2 (2) with me I couldn't supervise for the lunch hour so it wouldn't work.

Hedgehog
I'm glad things like your finances are organised and you are learning to drive.

However, your DH hasn't really improved has he. He still won't face up to the fact that 4 DC with significant health problems is too much for one person to manage. He is always looking for an opt out and is now threatening to bail out on you if you have an argument.

I would keep looking around for any outside / charity support you can find.
Oh and book yourself a week's holiday - after all you managed when DH did that to you!

With uniform, we have enough for three full outfits minimum. I aim to wash Mon/Tues on Tuesday evening, as that gives me a day's grace - if I can't do it then I do it on Wed instead.

And definitely wash all uniform on Friday night no matter what, even if you just shove it in before bed, it will get much longer to dry then.

You only have 604,800 seconds in the week, the same as everyone else.

You are trying to ram in so much stuff. I know that you have a good reason for them, but you simply can't do everything.

Cut right back for a few weeks. Lose the classes, the bake sales, looking after other people. Strip everything right back so that it is just the stuff that you absolutely need to do to get your family through each week. Get that stuff organised, and done well. Get so settled in the routine that everyone works through it, and it goes without a hitch. Then you can add things back in, slowly.

I get that ballets and pilates are valuable to your children, I really do. But not living in such a disorganised, angry house will help, too, and it's almost Christmas, so you can just tell them that you're gearing down for Christmas and you'll sort them in the New Year again.

You need to remember that you can't get extra time, though. You have the same number of seconds as everyone else. Use them well.

Get a wipe clean white board. Make a column on the left for days of the week. A middle column for stuff that happens every week eg ballet. The right hand column for additional things for just this coming week.

With any planning you need a starting point. Do you have any out of the home commitments on a Friday evening? If no, strip off all kids when they get in and put all uniform though the wash. Depending on how many sets you have you might also need to do this on Wed evening. Plot this onto your weekly planner in the 'every week' column.

Sunday morning: weigh out snacks for the week and check all school paperwork for the coming week eg stuff like non uniform days, donations etc. Doing it in the morning gives you time to get stuff if you need to. Add all these things to your wipe clean board.

I love organising.

See? Columns are starting to fill up and you are getting ahead of yourself.

Hedgehog - oh you poor thing, I can't believe this is still going on with your (not so D)H!

Do NOT get bullied into changing schools or home schooling, unless YOU believe it is better for all of you.

The reason your DH is at work, is because it is EASIER for him at work. It really, truly is. If you were to have all your children at home, with all of the additional needs that come with their disabilities, you would do yourself serious mental harm.

Spare uniform - most schools have second hand uniform sales. They are usually quite cheap. If the uniform is standard colours without logos, check online and see if you can buy it cheaper elsewhere. But DEFINITELY get extra kit. It's very expensive when you first start, but as they move through the school keep picking up odd items, here or there.

(What colours are they, anyway? Some MNers are bound to have old uniform in the right colours).

Car seats - I'm sorry, your DH has a point. I would never buy car seats that are very difficult to get in and out of cars. There are a lot of very good car seats out there, which are easier to get in and out of cars.

Brilliant that you're getting the alarm clock - I know you feel that's enabling him to get out of doing the few jobs you ask him to do, but the reality is that THIS job causes an absolute nightmare for you if its not done properly. You need to protect yourself from it.

Schedules - type up a schedule for all of your DC with all the tasks they need to do in the morning, and how long they have for each one. You're eldest DC are more than capable of doing some tasks on their own, and with some encouragement and help will be able to do more. Put large clocks in their room so they can see how they are going time wise

EG -
Get up - 7.10
Make bed - 5 mins - 7.15
Get dressed:

• pants, dress, socks, jumper, shoes - 10 mins - 7.25

Breakfast - 15 mins - 7.40 Brush teeth - 5 mins - 7.45 Check school bag - 5 mins - 7.50

etc, etc

You should also have a school bag list so they know what they need to take in every day.

You also need to have a timetable for the mornings - and if for any reason you have extra jobs that need to be done, you will know exactly where you will have wiggle room to fit them in.

I hate to say it, because I don't like them, but its lists, lists, lists all the way!!!!

aww poor wee DH wants to have some peace and be looked after? And who is looking after you? When did you last get a couple of days to sit on your arse and watch tv in peace?

Doesn't he understand how ridiculous that sounds?

Well mil is a peach.

The problem is dh has been brought up to think women don't need a break. I think you need to challenge him on that.

What hours does he work? What does he do when he isn't at work? Is he around to pick dd2 up for lunch some days?

He is equally responsible for your children and he needs to realise that.

Regarding stress - my dh has a very stressful job and I sometimes get the 'what have you got to be stressed about?' comments. I pointed out that my part time job also has stresses and that I have ultimate responsibility for the kids which is also stressful. He accepts that now but it took a while. A lot of men believe earning money is the most important job in a family when in truth it is just one of many important jobs.

Wow Katelyn I'm astounded by your amazing insight. What exactly were you hoping to achieve by your post?

Gosh katelyn - don't you have a motivational lecture to be giving!

Katelyn i have to say I agree how you have 4 kids with somone who is so shit at family life astounds me. But then i read all the 'yes but' excuses and get it. hedgehog you may be a lovely woman and a fab mother but you need to start saying no and only doing what is absolutaly necessary. You need to chase school to get the orovision in place - its disablity descrimination for it not to be - I personally would be ringing the lea for a taxi provision until its sorted.

Katelyn - You accept that your post was incredibly unhelpful, but you just HAD to go and post it anyway.