To want a divorce over this

[Edenviolet]

Had a horrible argument with dh but I should add that there are ongoing problems in the relationship.

Dcs are all disabled and dh and I both have health problems so things are very stressful anyway. Dh gave up work for a few months recently but is now back part time so things are getting difficult again when he is there but I can see his point that it wasn't a long term solution and that he needs to keep his skills up.

Last night I found myself at 1030pm still trying to tidy up, making ds1 s packed lunch, weighing out dd2s snacks for school, getting their uniforms dry etc etc etc so the morning would be less stressed. Dh just sat and watched tv. I didn't want to start huffing and puffing and hinting at needing help so I asked outright and he begrudgingly loaded the dishwasher then sat down to watch tv again. I was a bit irritated.
I asked him to set the alarm for 630am so we could get up and organised on time, he said he would.

He didn't and woke me up at 7:05 and bearing in mind we have to leave at 7:50 after getting four dcs ready isn't really enough time. I had to run round like a headless chicken dressing dcs, getting breakfast etc. dh was doing a good job of looking as if he was helping but wasn't actually doing much iyswim

Going back to yesterday he had taken dds car seat out (erf) to drop mil off somewhere I asked him as soon as he got back to out it back in. He hadn't so tried to do it this morn and couldn't do it.
We were then late and dd1 missed her coach to school . Dh went mad and I was stressed yet he shouted at me I have no right to be stressed as I don't have to do the driving or work today.

Then he laid into me about my choice of car seats and he wants "what everyone else has" he hates the erf ones. I tried to explain they are safer he said its "absolute rubbish" and wants to chuck them away. He thinks dcs legs are cramped and I pointed out its better to break legs that your neck or die and he laughed at me and said I'm wrong.
I got really upset he said again I have no right or reason to feel stressed or get upset and if I didn't shut up he would stop the car and "piss off forever"

Dcs are in school, dh is dropping dd off which is well out of his way and he's angry, he didn't say bye to me or sorry and I feel like saying that's it I'm sick of being belittled, told my feelings and choices don't matter and criticised this way.

Initially didn't get extra sets of uniform as was too expensive but think I need to get spares now as one piece of everything isn't working. Will do that today as ds1 and dd2 I can get from the school. Dd1s I can order.

Will try to tonight to weigh the rest of the weeks fruit out for dd2 and label it up and put in fridge.

It was a bit of a nightmare with dsis to be honest and not her fault, she had been in hospital sat night after a bad seizure but her dp had to go out as did his DM and they text to say they were on way to mine with dsis to drop her, I was at cake sale so dh let her in. Made her tea etc. it was her birthday I couldn't have said no, especially as she had been so ill and has been trying really hard lately to help me when she can with dcs. She had lunch with us but then fell asleep and dh had to take her home as it wasn't safe for her to get bus then he had to drop his DM at shops so there is a lot of outside pressure for us too but I would feel heartless if I'd said no.

I will try to draw up some kind of chart of what needs doing each morning as dh seems to always say "what do I do now" and I have to reel off a list each day, you'd think he would know by now what needs doing/remembering

Also, it looks like you had to do two lots of baking over the weekend

If you had to do the cake sale, could you have made biscuits with DS and then that is that done?

I agree with trying to apportion tasks etc more clearly. Have a trail of that and then assess life with DH.

You keep posting about unhappy you are, but yet you never do anything about it. What do you expect at this point?

I agree with Goblin's advice.

Life would be a lot easier if you had several sets of uniform so that you always a have a clean set, and the first job on Fridays after school is to bung all that day's uniform in the wash.

Also, there should be enough food in the house that you don't need to waste time going shopping for one jar of sauce.

During the day when the kids are all in school and your dh is out at work, there are 6 hours available for laundry/shopping/housework, would it be possible to do as much then as possible so your weekends are much less rushed?

What did your sister's DP have to do that was more important than taking care of his partner who had just been released from hospital [puzzled]?

I feel for you - just from this thread, I can see that you are being massively put upon.

Yep I think a laminated list of what needs doing with a whiteboard marker to tick off would be great. Then he can just consult the list. It will also help to make him aware of just how many little tasks there are to complete of a morning.

He does sound quite the selfish shellfish. He needs his downtime...and what are you, chopped liver?

I do sympathise. A kick up the arse for him, and better organisation for you both is required.

I agree with pp - your life is spiralling and you need to grab it back. I've recently done the timetable suggested above to try and keep on top. Everything essential goes on. Then anything extra gets slotted in as they arise. So the cakes would have been dropped!

It sounds like you are all highly stressed and you need to sit down and talk about what you can do together rather than fighting against each other.

I remember your previous threads about your sister and can see why you help but you need to put your nuclear family first. She should not be on your essential timetable. Help when you can but not at the expense of your own health.

I am sorry but you sound very disorganized.
Why not put the uniform in the wash on a Friday night?

You also sound like you are unwilling to compromise. You chose car seats, you refuse to change them, your dh hates them because they are difficult to mount, yet you make it his responsibility to deal with them, while you are refusing to listen to him asking to get different ones?

Why bake for a bake sale, why is this something you must do when life is so hectic?

What is actually happening in the mornings? You have 4 children, but how many go to school? Do you and smaller children come with your dh on the school run? Why?

Ballet is not an essential as such but the only time dd2 gets to have some fun, we disconnect her insulin pump for the 45 mins and she feels like all the other little girls and she loves it, also good exercise for her due to her eds. Pilates was recommended for dd1 as extra 'physio' due to her problems and does seem to be helping a bit I can't drop those activities as I think they really need to go.
I do just think I need to be more organised and ensure we get up earlier each day, seems to be great if we are up 615-630am. Any later and it goes wrong especially if one or more of dcs are having a bad day/pain etc we have time to help if get up early.

I do love dh but his answer is change schools or home school but its easier said than done, the waiting list for a nearer school is horrendously long and there's no guarantee. I'm trying to learn to drive but its not going to be the overnight solution he seems to want.

For the cake sale dd2 just iced and decorated some shop bought cakes but we had to drop them off. Really wanted to do it as it was a cake sale for JDRF organised by her dance school as she has diabetes so wanted to help.

Ds1 biscuits had to be done separately as he has milk and egg allergy so had to change the recipe and he had to photograph each stage for his homework it took a while.

Also lists of what needs to go to school each day - the older children should be responsible for themselves though

Not home much in the day currently as dd2 home for lunch each day so four round trips with a double buggy each day till more training completed and she can stay for lunch.

YWBU to want a divorce over one weekend but it isn't about this one weekend. It's about you feeling that you're constantly responsible for everyone and that your DP isn't pulling his weight. (I've posted on your other threads with a different name)

As PP have said there are lots of little practical steps that would have made your weekend easier. But, and I think this is crucial, you getting more organised isn't going to stop you resenting your DP. It's also not going to stop him from opting out of as much as possible. I think you should get more organised because it will reduce your stress but you're still going to be left with the underlying issues to resolve.

A PP suggested Relate and I'm not sure if that would help because your relationship sounds so unbalanced. However, if you could possibly see a counsellor on your own then I think that would help. You can ask your GP to refer you or, if you can afford it, Relate offer online counselling so you can do it/type up your responses when you have a gap in your schedule.

for you Hedgehog your life always sounds so incredibly stressful.

Sassy sugarcane I'm not sure to be absolutely honest, I think I'm just venting about a bad morning.

Still, I have got a couple if good ideas such as making a chart of morning 'chores' seeing it in black and white may make dh more aware as I think he doesn't even realise half the things I need to remember.

No - the answer is not to change schools or home school.

The answer is to get up earlier and be more organised, as you have said. Can you take responsibility for two children each when you are doing the list making? Or DH does dressing and you do dressing? Whatever works but it needs to be an agreed routine. I do admire you though, I only have a 1 year old and a baby and am wondering how on earth we will do mornings if we have a third and you have four!

I absolutely agree with the poster who said ditch anything not necessary unless it can be made part of something that is mandatory.

I think once you have a plan, you will feel better and more in control

He sounds absolutely horrid.
I think you need a divorce and an alarm clock. You can buy one for about £2. Much louder and less complicated than a phone.

If you have a spare room you could get an au pair.

My neighbour had a whole series of au pairs when her husband ran off with OW. I think it made her life much easier TBH.

I agree with everyone else. You're playing the "Yes, but..." game. Do you want to vent on here (which is fine, BTW) or do you actually want things to change? Because if you do want changes then you first need to listen to the excellent advice you've had on this thread and past ones.

I found (my ds1 was severely disabled, as in couldn't hold his head up, never mind feed or dress himself, and dh worked away all week and I worked 30 hours a week), that the following helped a lot:

1. The night before, get all clothes/meds/bags packed etc ready.

1. Minimise unnecessary stuff. There's no way on earth I would have baked a cake in those days; just bought one and/or made a donation to whatever charity it was in aid of

1. Accept that sometimes I would be leaving the house like a bombsite to get out the door on time, DS1 was collected by taxi for his special school, I'd drop DS2 off at CM/school then get myself to work. I had a cleaning lady once a week to keep on top of it and also got someone to do the ironing.

The laminated notice board is a good idea! Are your children old enough to do some chores, eg lay the table, stack the dishwasher etc?

Sorry, my message came out harshly when I was aiming for no-nonsense. Apologies.

The cake sale could just have had egg free biscuits or whatever. Or just make a donation. The last thing that any charity would want is to cause stress and chaos to the carers or parents of unwell children.

I don't know your backstory but the reason that I'm focussing on the organisation is that if you split up from DH, a lot of this stuff will fall you on your own.

I have had brilliant advice on here and have changed a lot in the last year:

Finances sorted so much so that I can now have a cleaner two hrs a week and am having driving lessons
Relationship with dsis much better

Have taken on board advice from this thread, have my alarm clock already! Will draw up a chart when ds2 has his nap.

I'm not trying to be awkward when I say that some suggestions won't work, its just outer situation is quite difficult so some options are not viable for us but those that are I try my best to put into practice.

Taken in isolation, this thread is just about a bad weekend.
However, thinking back to your previous threads about your DH, DS, DM and DMil you really need to take control back. Personally I think your DH is a pig...

Can't second the idea of a board/chart/tick list enough! My DH is hopeless at realising what needs doing on a day to day basis and with poor health myself this made me very resentful. But we have implemented not only a daily list of things to do (2 loads of washing on/out/away, recycling out, dogs walked 4 times, rooms swept etc) but also a weekly list too. It has made him realise quite what needs doing and gives him and the kids something to focus on-he loves to be able to tick something off a list to say look at me, look what I have done, what a helpful husband! It has helped no end in keeping organised and also if you are having a bad day or something comes up, certain things can take a backseat because you did them the day before. It also makes you realise quite how much needs doing each day and has motivated me to try and keep on top of everything! We all have bad days-kids missing the bus, loosing stuff, being late etc. but being this anal about a list of jobs has turned our family life around! Been doing it about a month now and my laundry baskets are usually empty!!

Dh unfortunately has mil in his ear too much, last week her finest moment was when she text me to tell me "why is ds dinner not on the table when he gets in and a hot bath run for him?" I ignored it to which she then sent "ds1 and 2 work so hard that I'm going to suggest they book a months holiday as if they don't they will end up in hospital"

Dh then said to me a couple of days later "ooh its nearly pmt time, make sure we have a really bad argument this month and I can walk out to DMs for a day or two and be looked after, have takeaways and watch tv in peace"

Other times (when contact with mil has been scarce) he seems to be much much nicer, does more to help and is great with dcs, I think she goes on at him so much that he ends up believing her nonsense that I should be doing everything. She's the woman who is proud that she never made a man change a nappy and did them all herself.....

I know. I really am sorry I "snapped" at you.

I think the trick is to simplify, simplify, simplify.

Do nothing that is unnecessary. Ditch the cake sale. Say no to DSis (her partner had to cancel his plans; she is his responsibility primarily. I wouldn't say that to virtually anyone else, but you are stretched so thin already you have no slack in the system to cope with her as well).

Take the time to write down your routine, as others have said. Then assign tasks to your DP.

Replace the car seats. Seriously. Your DP is well within his rights to hate them if he's primarily responsible for the car. Tell him it's his job to find replacements.

Two sets of uniform.

More stand by staples in the store cupboard.

Relate.