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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP - wine!!!

139 replies

BostonIvy · 14/11/2014 16:27

I am divorced, but during my marriage I got into the habit of drinking a large glass of wine a night during the week, and half a bottle on a friday then again on a saturday...

I realise this was too much and it was a habit I wanted to break.

DP and I have been together for 6 months, he drinks very little, a bottle of beer at the weekends.

It gradually came about that he laid down the law, until I was only 'allowed' to drink wine on a friday. I can share a beer with him on a saturday and sunday.

Last weekend we fell out about it, I said I thought he was being controlling, he said that he has never asked anything of me, only that I don't drink wine as he feels I change after just one glass (he is massively overreacting) and that it's not too much to ask that I don't drink around him. I said if he felt that strongly then I wouldn't... It's now the weekend I I fancy a glass of wine! He says I'm going back on my word.

His mother had an alcohol problem as does his best friend so he is oversensitive to the issue.

I'm in my thrities and feel I am being treated like a naughty child for wanting a glass or two of wine at the weekends, aibu?

OP posts:

BuggersMuddle · 15/11/2014 18:34

OP I do wonder if snipy and controlling means 'less inclined to put up with is macho "man's man" bullshit'.

I do wonder at some earlier posts. There seems to be a thing with alcohol whereby the person who wants to drink can't win because:

If you don't or won't give it up, you must have a problem
If someone suggests you cut down, you must have a problem

While this is often true, in a scenario where you are under the guidelines and it's not otherwise impacting you life, I'm not sure it's particularly useful. Your drinking isn't generally problematic so I would say you're not compatible. IF there's no problem drinking, how is it different from being asked to give up cake, or karate, or watching Eastenders? Of course you could, but why would you?

Metalguru · 15/11/2014 18:51

He has issues with alcohol and really needs to be with a teetotal partner, he will always be looking for that "change" so he will always see it, and how can you possibly enjoy a glass of wine and relax in such circumstances? I wish I could be more optimistic for you, but you have the right to drink what you please, and he sounds controlling

GelfBride · 15/11/2014 18:55

Also agree with a PP. Wine is supposed to change you. It is meant to relax you after a shite day, an OK day or even to celebrate a good day. The whole point of wine IS the changing surely. I too doubt the OP changes that radically after just one. Perhaps her DP doesn't like her to relax and enjoy her life. There are some right tossers out there, he may be one!

It would be interesting to try the experiment with the drink that may or may not have alcohol in it. I suspect that without wine, our nations GPs would be overrun with people needing something to take the edge off. In moderation it is a great relaxer with proven health given properties. He is projecting but if all the wine you are drinking is that mentioned in your OP, it doesn't seem excessive. Cut down a bit perhaps but not excessive. Also, presumably you were drinking this amount when he got together with you so he knew you were a wine lover did he not?

Gruntfuttock · 15/11/2014 19:11

Metalguru "He has issues with alcohol and really needs to be with a teetotal partner"

Yes. It really is as simple as that. There's no future in this relationship, OP.

GiddyUp99 · 15/11/2014 19:23

As daughter of an alcoholic who died from drinking YANBU. It's awful for him that he has issues about drink and for that I feel sorry for him but you can have wine every other weekend and then share a beer with him the other weekend?

Fuck that shit.

Massive control issues. You don't need that.

Janethegirl · 15/11/2014 19:52

OP hope you're enjoying a glass of wine tonight.

thaiglish · 15/11/2014 20:54

In what way is he a "mans man" OP?

It doesn't sound like he fits the definition to me.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/11/2014 01:36

I agree with Mandatorymongoose :

Back on topic. It's fine for your boyfriend to not want to spend time with someone who's drinking, it's also fine for you to decide to have a drink. If the two don't work together then either you find a compromise (which it seems like you've tried but hasn't worked - maybe because you were unrealistic in your side of the bargin?) or you split up. Whether he's controlling or not doesn't really matter in this case, it's about compatability.

Both positions are okay for the individual, but it's not okay for one person to try to impose their life choices on another. Also agree with a PP that it'll never be enjoyable to have a glass of wine if you know someone is counting your every sip. And, also, if you did 'give in' and follow his guidelines, would something else come up about your character and/or habits that you'd need to change next, to follow the lead of the head-of-the-household? It sounds likely.

I can see why he'd have trouble processing both normal and abusive levels of drinking, but think it's his issue to deal with, and until he has he'd be better off dating someone teetotal, for both partners' sakes.

Out of interest, is he an amazing partner in other ways- tongue action, cooking skills, brilliant listener? Is this the first time you've been in a relationship with concerns about controlling behaviour, or recognition of it occurring as a pattern in the partners you tend to pick?

tobysmum77 · 16/11/2014 08:17

yanbu.

I don't think his drinking is relevant though. My dh hardly drinks at all but never complains about me doing so. He would complain if I was drunk because drunks aren't much fun particularly when you're sober but a couple of glasses of wine as often as I want erm I'm an adult.

bit early maybe.

jay55 · 16/11/2014 10:44

Do you relax with that first glass? If you do it's hard to imagine you become snippy and the like.

I don't drink in the week. But I'm damned if someone will tell me I'm only allowed beer on a weekend.

carlsonrichards · 16/11/2014 11:12

OP never came back.

differentnameforthis · 16/11/2014 11:38

OP - you already said that you think you were drinking too much and wanted to cut down. Could you not see this as him helping you?

And did you read where he is happy for her to drink beer with him at the weekend? he isn't helping her cut, he is dictating to her what & when she can drink.

differentnameforthis · 16/11/2014 12:24

Unfortunately in relationships, you have to compromise This isn't compromise..he is controller her.

PetiteRaleuse I don't think he is 'scared to his bones' of alcoholism, because surely he wouldn't be 'offering' to let the op replace the wine with beer. He is happy for her to drink beer, just not what SHE wants to drink, i.e wine.

That doesn't sound like fear to me, sounds like control.

riveravon23 · 16/11/2014 12:47

As someone else said, I also have a friend who changes dramatically after one glass of wine, and yet doesn't after any other alcohol. She swears she does not change, and cannot see it at all, but anyone else close to her can see it. No idea why just a glass of wine would have an effect on her personality like this, when stronger spirits or beer doesn't, but it does.

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