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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP - wine!!!

139 replies

BostonIvy · 14/11/2014 16:27

I am divorced, but during my marriage I got into the habit of drinking a large glass of wine a night during the week, and half a bottle on a friday then again on a saturday...

I realise this was too much and it was a habit I wanted to break.

DP and I have been together for 6 months, he drinks very little, a bottle of beer at the weekends.

It gradually came about that he laid down the law, until I was only 'allowed' to drink wine on a friday. I can share a beer with him on a saturday and sunday.

Last weekend we fell out about it, I said I thought he was being controlling, he said that he has never asked anything of me, only that I don't drink wine as he feels I change after just one glass (he is massively overreacting) and that it's not too much to ask that I don't drink around him. I said if he felt that strongly then I wouldn't... It's now the weekend I I fancy a glass of wine! He says I'm going back on my word.

His mother had an alcohol problem as does his best friend so he is oversensitive to the issue.

I'm in my thrities and feel I am being treated like a naughty child for wanting a glass or two of wine at the weekends, aibu?

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 14/11/2014 16:56

Get rid.....I won't be drinking a glass this evening, I will probably finish a bottle or two with my DH. I may also partake in a glass or two during the week, I eat well and exercise, I'm a healthy weight, it's my choice.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 16:59

Dump. He's controlling. A man's man who likes to be in charge? He's a dickhead.

You are an adult.

He can try to control you. You can cut him loose.

There shouldn't be any issues like this so early on. Six months in?

Hard work, and I'd drop anyone who made me feel like a naughty school kid.

'We are incompatible. It's time we move on.'

All the sitting down with him in the world won't change a thing. He'll find something else to control you with.

Life is really too short for a hard work boyfriend six months in.

iPaddy · 14/11/2014 17:01

Neither of you are right, neither of you are wrong. You're just incompatible on this issue.

For example I am massively massively against drugs because I lost people close to me through illegal drug misuse, I know lots of people smoke dope and do a line or two and think nothing of it, but for me it's a huge issue, not necessarily logically thought through but it's part of my mental make up now and I'm unlikely to change.

slithytove · 14/11/2014 17:02

I control DH like this. He can drink 2 nights a week no more than 4 drinks, and no spirits.

I have some sympathy with your DH.

Maybe consider quitting entirely? That way you take control back, and in a couple months if you choose to drink again, you have shown DH you can manage your own consumption.

NetballHoop · 14/11/2014 17:03

Well, yes you do change after a glass of wine. That's why we drink it, to unwind and let your hair down. There's nothing wrong with that.

If he's concerned that you have a drinking problem then he should say so, but it sounds like he's just not prepared to let you enjoy yourself.

AMumInScotland · 14/11/2014 17:04

As others have said. why does he think he gets to be 'head of the house' when he's just a 6 month boyfriend? That sounds controlling to me.

It would be worrying if you were putting wine ahead of him. But it sounds like you are actually putting your right to choose to drink wine above his belief that he has the right to have you change your behaviour because of his disapproval.

Which is quite a different thing.

Frogme · 14/11/2014 17:04

He has grown up with people who have problems so it's not surprising that he has issues with it, however if he is reasonable then you can come to a compromise.
He ibu to dictate that you can never drink, or only when he says so. I'd be wary that this doesn't lead to other things.
If it really is only this which is a problem then you may have to choose between him and wine. Just be careful you don'y get sucked into doing everything his way. Slippery slope and all that...

Grumpyoldblonde · 14/11/2014 17:06

Now I am clock-watching until 7pm so I can crack open the bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Really I think perhaps you are simply incompatible,
I could not be with a really heavy drinker myself, equally I could never be with a teetotaller, and never would I let a 6 month boyfriend think himself "head of the household"

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 17:07

He's not a husband, he's a boyfriend of six months.

You owe this person nothing so early on, OP. So don't start.

I don't drink at all, but any boyfriend who tried to dictate how and when I could enjoy something that's legal and that I enjoy responsibly would find himself at the kerb sharpish.

VoyagesOfAStarship · 14/11/2014 17:07

"He's not controlling in other ways, but is quite a 'mans man' and likes t o be head of the house." ????????

In other words, he's happy when he feels that he is in charge and then he can afford to be nice to you, so doesn't appear controlling, Step out of line, and he starts telling you what to do. He is controlling. If he thinks it's some kind of natural right for him to be head of your house, and your life, then sorry but I would be getting rid.

I can understand someone saying "I'm a bit worried that you're drinking too much/I don't like how you get when you've drunk too much" - those can be valid worries. But just dictating/laying down the law, and about what is actually only a small and safe amount - I think not!

I drink through the week - I tend to have one small glass of wine every evening, occasionally another half glass, maybe two glasses on a night out (once in a blue moon) and a night off 1 or 2 nights a week. That's still me roughly within my recommended units and never drunk. If someone told me it "wasn't allowed" they would be getting short shrift from me!

LadybirdsEverywhere · 14/11/2014 17:10

Why does he get to say when and how much you should drink?

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 17:13

Yeah, and he 'laid down the law'? Dump and please, do the Freedom Programme before you date anyone, at all, again. You will learn to DUMP immediately anyone who attempts to control your behaviour.

yellowdinosauragain · 14/11/2014 17:24

It would be worrying if you were putting wine ahead of him. But it sounds like you are actually putting your right to choose to drink wine above his belief that he has the right to have you change your behaviour because of his disapproval

Which is quite a different thing

This. With bells on.

SpringBreaker · 14/11/2014 17:24

If you arent compatible with one of the most common aspects of socialising together, then the relationship is doomed in my view.

As for "head of the house".. fuck that idea off right now..

Comito · 14/11/2014 17:25

This sounds a lot like my exP. He didn't really drink because he'd gone massively overboard with it as a teenager. It started with him trying to encourage me to give up even though I didn't drink a lot anyway, but he gradually became utterly obsessed with it.

He'd question me daily about whether I'd had a drink, accuse me of lying if I said no, make constant remarks about my whole life revolving around drinking etc. He even tried to make me keep a diary of what I drank so he could 'review' it with me and work out how I could cut down. By the end, if he thought I'd lied or drunk more he'd subject me to lengthy rants where he'd argue and tie me up in knots so I didn't know if I was coming or going.

Honestly, if I'd been a raging alcoholic I'd have understood it but I really wasn't (perhaps a bottle of wine a week) and he was going hugely OTT. Needless to say, this behaviour spilled over into other areas and it became obvious he was controlling and a bully and the obsession with my drinking was just another way to try and control me. He was also a 'man's man' who wanted to be the one in charge. God, I wish I'd known about Mumsnet back then. :)

Yeah, anyway. Boston, if you want to carry on having your wine then do it. Unless you're turning into a grown-up version of Linda Blair every time you have a glass then I'd tell him he doesn't get to give you orders.

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 14/11/2014 17:28

He sounds so OTT

It won't stop here - he'll be telling you what to wear and who you can go out with next.... Sad

Missdread · 14/11/2014 17:33

He says you should be able to take it or leave it? To me, a nice glass of wine now and again is no different from a chocolate bar or a bag of Kettle Chips (preferably all three at once....). You wouldn't tell someone that they can only eat crisps on a Friday would you? I'd feel hopping mad if my DH told me this. You're a responsible adult: he needs to treat you as such! Wine Wine x

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/11/2014 17:35

Eh? A 6 month boyfriend thinks he's 'head of the house'

Kick that right into touch. Seriously. The 1950's called, they want your boyfriend back.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/11/2014 17:35

On reading your OP, I think he's being controlling and putting his desire to control your behaviour above his interest in getting to know and like you and, your right to self-expression.

Presumably you like how you are after a glass of wine, this is why you drink it and this feeling and behaviour is a facet of your personality that contributes to the totality of 'you'.

Telling you you can drink beer but not wine is weird. Saying he wouldn't miss it is irrelevant as he doesn't like it much - how would he feel about giving up something he really enjoys and which forms a small part of his own identity?

VoyagesOfAStarship · 14/11/2014 17:35

Bu that reasoning, you should also be able to take or leave his suggestions. And him as a partner for that matter.

BackforGood · 14/11/2014 17:36

I find it strange, on MN, that when a partner asks their spouse/partner to have a look at something they are doing, which is affecting the relationship, people always shout "Controlling" or "Red Flag"

OP - you already said that you think you were drinking too much and wanted to cut down. Could you not see this as him helping you?

If it doesn't change you, why do you need it so much ?

VoyagesOfAStarship · 14/11/2014 17:41

But he isn't asking her to have a look at it, he's laying down the law and telling her what she's "allowed" to do. Big difference and especially suspect as she now isn't drinking to excess.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 17:42

It's a boyfriend of six months who is already 'laying down the law', a 'man's man who likes to be in charge of the house'; what's affecting the relationship is his trying to control her entirely reasonable behaviour and responsible enjoyment of something.

Take out wine and sub in cake/weight/exercise/clothing/spending money.

Sound controlling? It is.

Janethegirl · 14/11/2014 17:43

I'd think seriously about the long term future with your boyfriend (not a partner after 6 months!). If he is this controlling so early in the relationship and want to be head of the house, I'd consider what he'll be like after 5 years.

I couldn't and wouldn't live with someone like this. In fact I'd drink an extra glass to show I could, childish I know but very satisfying Grin.

mommy2ash · 14/11/2014 17:43

my mother changes personality the second alcohol touches her lips. i can't stand being around her then. she would also swear it doesn't affect her at all but she doesn't see it.

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