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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP - wine!!!

139 replies

BostonIvy · 14/11/2014 16:27

I am divorced, but during my marriage I got into the habit of drinking a large glass of wine a night during the week, and half a bottle on a friday then again on a saturday...

I realise this was too much and it was a habit I wanted to break.

DP and I have been together for 6 months, he drinks very little, a bottle of beer at the weekends.

It gradually came about that he laid down the law, until I was only 'allowed' to drink wine on a friday. I can share a beer with him on a saturday and sunday.

Last weekend we fell out about it, I said I thought he was being controlling, he said that he has never asked anything of me, only that I don't drink wine as he feels I change after just one glass (he is massively overreacting) and that it's not too much to ask that I don't drink around him. I said if he felt that strongly then I wouldn't... It's now the weekend I I fancy a glass of wine! He says I'm going back on my word.

His mother had an alcohol problem as does his best friend so he is oversensitive to the issue.

I'm in my thrities and feel I am being treated like a naughty child for wanting a glass or two of wine at the weekends, aibu?

OP posts:
Comito · 14/11/2014 17:43

Back, you're using the same argument as him - the OP doesn't want to give up, therefore she 'needs' it, therefore she has a problem. And he's not really helping her, he's trying to dictate to her.

Frogme · 14/11/2014 17:45

Yes the problem isn't him bringing the subject up and expressing concern, it's him trying to ban her from something she, and a large proportion of adults, enjoy doing and hurts no one in moderation.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 17:45

He's fine with her having beer with him, because that's not what she enjoys. He dictates what she's 'allowed' to drink, which is in no way excessive.

It's pretty scary how many women rationalise his behaviour.

VoyagesOfAStarship · 14/11/2014 17:48

If it doesn't change you, why do you need it so much?

This is silly - I don't think having a glass of wine changes me, except to make me relax slightly maybe, but I have it because I LIKE it.

Exactly the same as having an occasional chocolate or biscuit. It doesn't change me, I like it! I don't need it, but I'm free to choose to have it. Saying "Oh you must NEED it then" is nasty. What people need is their reasonable choices respected.

If OP was an alcoholic or out of control in some way, then yes it's understandable to express concern She's not.

Grumpyoldblonde · 14/11/2014 17:49

Interested to know how he "laid down the law" worrying thing to say about a recent boyfriend.

BackforGood · 14/11/2014 17:51

I think it's reasonable, because, if I were with a partner who was drinking that much, and I felt the drink was affecting them, then I too would want to make it clear to them just how big a deal this was to me. Yes, you can be pedantic about the wording or the detail of the drink, but the fact is nobody should need to drink that much. If I were with a partner who felt they did, then, yes, I would be talking about how much was a reasonable amount because the alternative would be the end of the relationship.

Mandatorymongoose · 14/11/2014 17:52

A big glass every night and a bottle over the weekend would put you slightly over the 'safe' limit but you say you're not drinking that much anymore.

A couple of glasses a couple of times a week shouldn't be a big issue as far as your health goes but if it's a need rather than a want then it could still be a problem. People often don't take much notice of the effects of regular drinking because 'everyone does it' or 'it's just to unwind' or 'I eat healthily' - it's of course not my place to say what people should or shouldn't do as grown ups but I do think people should be aware of the potential for harm. That's not particularly directed at you OP, just a general observation. Somehow it seems like a couple of glasses of wine a night is much more acceptable than drinking say a couple of cans of cider every evening.

Back on topic. It's fine for your boyfriend to not want to spend time with someone who's drinking, it's also fine for you to decide to have a drink. If the two don't work together then either you find a compromise (which it seems like you've tried but hasn't worked - maybe because you were unrealistic in your side of the bargin?) or you split up. Whether he's controlling or not doesn't really matter in this case, it's about compatability.

Catsmamma · 14/11/2014 18:01

he sounds an insufferable controlling arse...you can share a beer with him at the weekends, do you have to curtsey and have it out of a laydeez glass???

How exactly did he lay down the law??

Was his mother really an alcoholic or was she just caught sniffing the cooking sherry?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/11/2014 18:17

"He's not controlling in other ways, but is quite a 'mans man' and likes to be head of the house."
Sorry, but that post gave me the creeps, for all the reasons others have already given. He's a boyfriend of six month's standing, he is not in a position to lay down the law and allow/disallow any action on your part.

"Last weekend we fell out about it, I said I thought he was being controlling"
You thought it, because he is. Do you want to be controlled?

Solidur · 14/11/2014 18:20

No adult has the right to tell another adult what, how or when they "may" drink.

I mean this kindly, but you are incompatible, and he IS controlling, especially considering the newness of the relationshi. Head of the household, my arse! You're partners, indicating equality.

I say this with a father and sister who were functioning alcoholics for years. Sister is now dry and father decided entirely on his own to cut down to a tiny amount daily.

So: your partner may be hypersensitised but that is not YOUR problem.

Solidur · 14/11/2014 18:22

*Relationship, sorry.

VoyagesOfAStarship · 14/11/2014 18:25

In a more general sense, I think controlling men (or people generally) like to get a foot in the door then start testing the water. If you'll back down on this, it's a green light to get more controlling and install himself in that "head of the house" Hmm Hmm Hmm role.

Does he live with you? Even if so, presumably 6 months in there are no deep financial or family ties, so I'd be giving this one the boot and enjoying the freedom to do what I like and drink in moderation.

If you want to give him a chance, pick something he enjoys and tell him he can't do it because you don't like it, or only on a tuesday or something. If he takes exception to that, ask why then is it OK the other way round. If he doesn't get it, back down and apologise, that tells you all you need to know.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 18:31

Never give a controlling arse a chance. Never.

VoyagesOfAStarship · 14/11/2014 18:33

Ok fair point! but I mean a chance to explain himself and see what a twat he's being. Rather than a chance to have a relationship on the "head of the house" basis.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 18:37

Don't bother with that, either. People like this always turn things around to be your problem. Nothing is ever their issue or fault. It's a waste of breath.
'You and I are not compatible. It's time to move on. Goodbye.'

IUsedToBeAFlump · 14/11/2014 18:40

WOW. I'd hate that. I think we drink most nights. Odd glass of wine here or there for me. DH has 1-2 beers most nights. Occasional whisky. Probably a little more a weekends, but not much more really. Neither of our behaviour changes on this amount of alcohol. We are not drunk. Sometimes one of us might have a drink and the other not. It's just not a problem/issue/even discussed! We never go out binge drinking (we never go out!). But we're healthy in all other aspects of our lives... so it's not a problem. I'd just hate being controlled. One glass a night is not a problem. He's making you want it even more!

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 14/11/2014 18:44

Nope he's a controlling twat.

Be careful op.

Next time it might be he hit you because you wound him up!

Be careful.

Tallypet · 14/11/2014 19:02

You don't have a wine problem, you have a man problem. He doesn't get to "lay down the law". You're an adult. I'd get rid. Today it's the wine, then it'll be the way you dress/spend your money/housework etc...
you're not choosing wine over him - you're choosing you over him.

Original poster
BostonIvy · 14/11/2014 19:05

Ok, I've just had a long talk with him. He says I become snipey and touchy when I drink wine. He says any other alcohol is fine, but that even after one glass of wine I change...

He says I'm not willing to compromise, he said we should have one weekend where I don't drink wine, then one where I do, but I'm not happy about this.

He says I'm not seeing it from his point of view, that I'm not nice to be around when I drink wine.

OP posts:
mum9876 · 14/11/2014 19:06

I think it can be a bit of a mismatch thing if one of you likes a drink and the other doesn't so much.

To me, it sounds controlling.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 14/11/2014 19:08

Interesting you didn't say he was wrong about changing after a glass of wine, you said he was overreacting and oversensitive. Which I think suggests you don't necessarily disagree with the idea that you do change, just how important it is.

DoughnutSelfie · 14/11/2014 19:11

Ivy, he has reiterated his position - that he is in charge of you - quite clearly

What you do with this information is worth thinking about

Bogeyface · 14/11/2014 19:13

It comes down to the fact that if you wanted to sink a bottle of meths washed down with battery acid, as an adult you are entitled to do that. It will kill you but that is your choice.

It sounds like incompatability over alcohol but what you said about him wanting to be head of the house made me shiver. After 6 months he is on at you like this, what will the next thing be I wonder if you do give up alcohol entirely?

I would be inclined to say that you feel the relationship isnt working and then deal with your feelings about you alcohol consumption when you are single. His attitude is just muddying the waters so you cant see where your wine in take is ok or not.

Solidur · 14/11/2014 19:13

I'd already noticed the distinction he made between wine and beer, Boston.

So is he effectively saying that you could drink beer freely?

grocklebox · 14/11/2014 19:17

He's not just telling you what you can do or not (drink wine) he's also telling you that you have to behave in certain ways to make him happy. He says he doesn't like you after a single glass of wine? Then he DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE YOU AT ALL.

He's a controlling twat. Run now, run fast, run far.