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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP - wine!!!

139 replies

BostonIvy · 14/11/2014 16:27

I am divorced, but during my marriage I got into the habit of drinking a large glass of wine a night during the week, and half a bottle on a friday then again on a saturday...

I realise this was too much and it was a habit I wanted to break.

DP and I have been together for 6 months, he drinks very little, a bottle of beer at the weekends.

It gradually came about that he laid down the law, until I was only 'allowed' to drink wine on a friday. I can share a beer with him on a saturday and sunday.

Last weekend we fell out about it, I said I thought he was being controlling, he said that he has never asked anything of me, only that I don't drink wine as he feels I change after just one glass (he is massively overreacting) and that it's not too much to ask that I don't drink around him. I said if he felt that strongly then I wouldn't... It's now the weekend I I fancy a glass of wine! He says I'm going back on my word.

His mother had an alcohol problem as does his best friend so he is oversensitive to the issue.

I'm in my thrities and feel I am being treated like a naughty child for wanting a glass or two of wine at the weekends, aibu?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/11/2014 19:18

I meant to add, but forgot, that he is entitled to not want to be with someone who drinks. He is at perfect liberty to end the relationship based on that if he so chooses, but he doesnt get to lay down the law.

Janethegirl · 14/11/2014 19:19

If you only get snipy and touchy after drinking wine with him, maybe it's him and not the wine. If other friends and colleagues you drink with don't have a problem with you after having a glass of wine, I'd say it's him.

Only you can decide if he's worth it! However I don't think it's sounds promising for the long term...

Roussette · 14/11/2014 19:19

I'd say, hit the gin bottle then! Just because he chooses not to drink hardly anything, that doesn't mean to say you can't - you don't own each other. It sounds like it's an excuse saying you change after wine, bet you don't!

Anyway, I'm off for a few Wines

BigPawsBrown · 14/11/2014 19:24

I don't think many people fancy a glass of wine at 4.30 on a Friday.

wonderingsoul · 14/11/2014 19:24

i dont think your partner is unreasonable

my ex husband was an alcholic and i hate being round a parnter when their drunk, even if their nice i still feel on edge, like im waiting for them t o turn. even though i like a drink myself..

i can see where he is coming from tbf, though i dont t hink your being unresonable ethier.

unhelpful i know

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/11/2014 19:25

I'd be snipey and touchy if someone was counting every sip of wine that passed my lips too. Way to kill a mood.

Solidur · 14/11/2014 19:25

There's a chasm of difference between what Boston's friends say - ie, that she becomes a "bit vague" after wine and what her boyfriend says "snipy and touchy".

I agree that it's an excuse.Hmm

grocklebox · 14/11/2014 19:30

Don't be calling the woman an alcoholic, ffs! He is telling her she isn't allowed ONE glass of wine.

I don't think many people fancy a glass of wine at 4.30 on a Friday

Ha ha ha! That is a joke, right?

TheWordFactory · 14/11/2014 19:31

He needs to find a partner who doesn't drink, not try to change one who does.

Bogeyface · 14/11/2014 19:32

I don't think many people fancy a glass of wine at 4.30 on a Friday.

Oh I dunno! If you had offered me a glass at 10am I cant guarantee I wouldnt have taken it after the week I have had!

I suspect that the OP meant she was looking forward to a glass this evening rather than right at that moment.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 19:33

He's still trying to control you. You enjoy the wine and that's how people like this start, with things you enjoy. 'Oh, it's only wine.' Then it's something else, you get (insert negative adjective) when you (are with X mate, your son, your daughter, your mother, wear Y, after going out (without him), go to Zumba or the gym . . .'

'Let's try this . . .' So he can monitor you and show you where you are wrong and he is right.

Notice a pattern here.

It's all about what is wrong with you.

The only thing you need to change is learning how to get rid of controlling twats first thing.

'That doesn't work for me. You don't get to dictate to me. This isn't working because we are incompatible. It's time to move on.'

WAY too much work and head games for a boyfriend of six months.
he already has you second-guessing and doubting yourself to where you are asking your friends.

Bogeyface · 14/11/2014 19:34

He needs to find a partner who doesn't drink, not try to change one who does.

I agree and you know what? If he put that he would like to meet a non drinker on an online dating site then he would be inundated with messages from women who have learned that "fun to be around with an active social life" means "in the pub every night getting absolutely twatted".

RosaliesGinBottle · 14/11/2014 19:34

I know a woman who becomes an utter nightmare after a glass of two of wine. Tears, drama, accusations, jealous rages , blackouts. Not other alcohols. However, all your friends will know if you're like this. If no one else has noticed, then it's him.

Bogeyface · 14/11/2014 19:35

Of course then they would be criticized for what they eat, wear, do for a job.....but you know, its a start!

AMumInScotland · 14/11/2014 19:36

Step 1 - split up with boyfriend. Whether or not there is any validity it really doesn't sound like you suit each other.
Step 2 - have a think about your pattern of drinking, and consider whether there is anything about it that you aren't happy with, and address it if you feel there is a need.
Nobody should be making you feel like a naughty child for making your own choices as an adult, they should have the decency to treat you as an adult even if they decide to point out that there are things they feel are not in your best interest.

BigPawsBrown · 14/11/2014 19:36

I don't know. If the OP only drinks at the weekend and at 4.30 on a friday is declaring in the weekend that just sounds like a bit of a problem to me. But then, I am a teetotal.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 19:37

Yep, he needs to find someone teetotal. My guess is he will find something else to be controlling about, but it's not your problem.

carlsonrichards · 14/11/2014 19:39

I am teetotal. I don't see a person who fancies a glass of wine at 4.30 PM on Friday as an alkie.

YouTheCat · 14/11/2014 19:40

If you were getting pissed and slurring at him, fair enough. But it sounds like you just want to be able to enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the week - like many other people.

Bogeyface · 14/11/2014 19:43

I read it that she was anticipating the weekend and realised that actually she did fancy a glass of wine later and wasnt being allowed one rather than wanting to tip it down her throat right then.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 14/11/2014 19:44

BostonIvy you have been together 6 months - 6 months, 26 weeks (give or take).

It gradually came about that he laid down the law, until I was only 'allowed' to drink wine on a friday. I can share a beer with him on a saturday and sunday

26 weeks and he's telling you what you can and can't do Hmm

Do yourself a massive favour and dump him before you don't even recognise yourself.

Mariposa10 · 14/11/2014 19:47

He's the wrong man for you. You're not compatible. He's being critical and finding fault with you, and this is what controlling people do, and it will only get worse.

Surreyblah · 14/11/2014 19:58

So alcohol per se is OK just not wine! Wine changing you, but not beer? You are "uncompromising" because you won't comply with his weird rules? What bollocks!

Critical, controlling behaviour. And manipulative too.

As others say, six months is also way too early for him to be wanting to "rule the roost".

Surreyblah · 14/11/2014 19:59

why have you already let him dictate so much?

GelfBride · 14/11/2014 20:02

I agree with the other posters but mmmm...what to do about it? It depends whether you want to dump his arse or stay with him basically. If you want to keep things together perhaps try following his guidelines or changing to another alcoholic drink as a litmus test of how he continues to behave towards you. If all's well, all is well. If he then finds some other matter on which to push your buttons, you will know what his character is like truly. I would see it as him controlling me. You describing him as laying down the law is scary. If he is otherwise perfect, buckle for a bit but only as an interesting experiment. You' re obviously bright enough to see what may be going on here.