Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my mum didn't ask DH to do this work for her?

35 replies

Ilovetobiteyourneck · 10/11/2014 11:04

MY DH is a handyman, my mum is having a new patio put in. DH has done loads of patio's in the past, but instead of asking him to do it, my mum has got in a couple of other guys.

Added to this, she knows that although we are not struggling as such, my income (the main household income) has been cut by about half this year compared to last year (I'm self employed).

AIBU to be upset that she didn't ask DH to do the work? Surely families should stick together and support each other?

I asked her why she hadn't asked DH to do it and she said it was because she wanted it doing NOW. DH could have done it now. It's November, even if he couldn't, it's not like it's the bbq season is it?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/11/2014 11:06

Work and family doesn't always mix - it could have led to problems if the work wasn't what she expected etc etc.

I think she made a wise decision to keep the two separate.

FuckyNell · 10/11/2014 11:07

Never mix business with pleasure. True fact :)

youareallbonkers · 10/11/2014 11:07

I wouldn't ask family to do jobs for me as I would be worried they would think I wanted it done free or cheap.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 11:07

Surely there is more to it if she is choosing some other guys to do the work?

LuckyLopez · 10/11/2014 11:08

Maybe she doesn't rate his work?

LittleBairn · 10/11/2014 11:08

I can understand why she didn't its awkward when family does that sort of work for you, you can't really point out to them if you don't feel the work is good enough unless you want family upset.
You attitude of 'why now' is also another good reason, your mum wants it done now and she's paying for it she doesn't need to justify it.

BuilderMammy · 10/11/2014 11:08

She's entitled to ask whoever she likes to build her patio, and she shouldn't have to explain her reasons to you. YABU.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 10/11/2014 11:08

YANBU and YABU.

My Mum never asks my DH to decorate for her and to be honest, he wouldn't want to either. It causes issues too easily.

Original poster
Ilovetobiteyourneck · 10/11/2014 11:14

Ok, it appears I am being U to be upset, I never thought of myself as delicate emotionally but it seems I need to toughen up :)

Maybe it's because his side of the family would never do this, everything is kept in the family as much as possible - why give your money to strangers is more the attitude - it's obviously rubbed off on me!

As for the quality of his work, that's definitely not the issue, my mum raved about our patio when he did it. He can be a little slow, but that's because he is a perfectionist.

OP posts:
Sleepytea · 10/11/2014 11:14

I agree with Jean. We had a similar situation in my family regarding a patio. My parents expected a professional job but the boundaries were blurred. Bil took too long to do the job because mum was giving him cups of coffee all the time and chatting to him. Payments were a bit messed up firstly because the job overran and secondly because mum didn't get herself organised properly so handed over money without getting receipts. She then got confused about what she'd paid for and what she hadn't.
It led to a lot of bad feeling within the family and mum feels like she can't trust bil and I'm sure bil has similar feelings about her.

Original poster
Ilovetobiteyourneck · 10/11/2014 11:15

Oh and as for work and family not mixing, it's a bit late for that as I'm self-employed in the family business!

OP posts:
QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 11:16

Then I take "I wanted it done NOW" to mean she wanted it done quickly.

bonkersLFDT20 · 10/11/2014 11:16

Heck, we have LOADS of jobs that need a handyman. Can I find anyone local? Can I fuck! Send your DH round here :-)

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 11:17

I wonder then if you need to look for a new job, if you are the main breadwinner and your income has halved in the last year.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 11:17

same here bonkers, plenty to do here.

Original poster
Ilovetobiteyourneck · 10/11/2014 11:26

It would be a bit hard to look for a new job Quints as it is a family business, so if I left my dad and brother would also have to look for new jobs and I don't think my dad would have much luck at the age of 69, plus he absolutely loves doing what we are doing. I'm prepared to ride out a bad year for the sake of the family.

Bonkers, you're not in Cornwall are you?!

OP posts:
QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 11:31

Funny how your mother does not have the same regard for family though...

Original poster
Ilovetobiteyourneck · 10/11/2014 11:35

I think that's partly what's upset me Quints, if it was a normal year it would have upset me (because DH is upset), but the fact that we could do with the money has made it worse I suppose.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 10/11/2014 11:45

I wouldn't dream of using family or friends for any home maintenance / improvements; having grown up in a house full of botched nonsense which my Dad wouldn't take the doer to task on as they'd either done it cheaply (so it was only to be expected that it was crap, apparently Hmm), or the repercussions of falling out were too great (why bloody use them, then?)

Greengrow · 10/11/2014 12:00

I would always try to avoid advising relatives (am a lawyer). If it goes wrong that is a lot of trouble long term. Then you have issues over what to charge. Then what do you do if the job is useless or slow? Much better not to hire a family member.

Lucyccfc · 10/11/2014 13:10

After falling out with my Dad, I never ask family to do any work for me.

Agreed a start date and time for my Dad to paint my fence and then agreed a price and when I needed it finished by. Tried to ensure that we agreed all this up front.

First day, he rocked up at 11am and buggered off at 3pm. Second day he turned up at 12 and left at 3.30, job not finished and stuff all over the back garden.

He did half a job, so I paid him for half a job. He then moaned to my sister that. I had only paid him £5 an hour and that he had been here for 2 full days. He actually got paid £10 an hour and didn't finish the job.

Never again - always get someone in who is not family nor a friend - just not worth the hassle.

BadRoly · 10/11/2014 13:19

I'm in Cornwall and need a handyman ShockWink

MadeInChorley · 10/11/2014 13:30

"Why give your money to strangers"
This attitude.

That is DH's extended family's response and they keep all jobs in the family, work together, try to pay cheaper rates (family, you see, should be doing it at mates rates, despite being supposed professionals) and that's why most of them bicker, fall out and take sides. Because family can also wait when a proper professional job comes along, won't mind if you take a bit longer etcetc. Except they do, if they are paying.

Me, I think it should be done at arms length. Nothing wrong with giving your family a hand with a bit of DIY, but that's as a favour. Introduce money then you're clouding relationships and it's asking for trouble.

Thrif · 10/11/2014 13:47

Personally, I'd want a proper builder, not a handyman to lay my patio.

If she needs a shelf putting up, I'd be disappointed if she asked someone else but this is a big job she wanted done in a timely fashion by someone properly qualified to do the job. Asking your DH to do it could have caused way more problems than asking someone else has.

Agree with the previous poster who said that wanting it done now really meant "I don't want it to take weeks" and as for raving about your patio, have you never said nice things about something in someone else's house that you wouldn't want in yours?

GritStrength · 10/11/2014 14:07

Hmm difficult. In normal circumstances I'd say your mother was right to try and keep family out of business. But this feels a bit different because you're financially struggling because you're taking one for the team ie the family business. So you're losing out to essentially support them but it doesn't appear to be reciprocal.