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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a joint account after fronting all 15k deposit for our family home?

160 replies

Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 22:26

I hadn't been with my new partner very long before we fell pregnant. Our son is now 5 weeks old and we are a happy little family. I have been saving alone for a while and due to certain circumstances I have 15k to put down as a deposit for our first family home, my partner has no savings at all.
I mentioned that we should get a joint bank account that both out wages should go into so we can pay for everything out if that. I am a firm believer in what's mine is yours I never ever refer to the 15k as being mine is OUR money for OUR house. due to me being on maternity, our plans for my return to work and my partners up and coming promotion he is on a lot more money than me. I think this is putting him off the joint account?!? also he talks about splitting bills 50/50 this would leave me with less than 1/4 of my wages and leave him over half of his. A IBM to ask for a family account when I am investing so much up front or is his way the only fair way? Xx

OP posts:
Sn00p4d · 10/11/2014 11:30

I'll be right against the grain with this I suppose but, I put down a 10k deposit on our first home before we were married, we split the bills 50/50 as your partner suggested, I've never seen my 10k back, nor will I. We were in the same boat I had savings my husband had none, the only way we were getting a house is if I paid the deposit so I made the choice to. We are married now with a baby on the way, when I'm on mat pay I'll still be paying half the bills (which is more than my mat pay so again will be using up my savings)
I guess it's jst sacrifices I'm willing to make, I do earn more though so maybe it balances out?x

Siarie · 10/11/2014 11:35

I wouldn't have even bothered to post this here. All you are going to get is people talking about you and your £15k because your a woman and he's a man.

Instead of a 50/50 split why not suggest a percentage split based on wages. Me and DH did this, so I paid a certain % and so did he, we took the total bill amount and split it down with percentages based on our pay.

It meant that it was a moving thing, when one of us got a wage increase it meant both benefited.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 11:36

sacrifices you are willing to make, snoop ?

why ? to hang on to your husband ?

what would he say if you decided the contributions to the household were made fairer from now on ?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 11:37

siarie, your arrogance at thinking you are putting forward the best solution is misplaced

it's been covered upthread by several people

Siarie · 10/11/2014 11:38

Oh did I hit a nerve anyfucker?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 11:43

not really, no

plantsitter · 10/11/2014 11:59

I think you can have a perfectly reasonable conversation about this. It doesn't need to get aggressive or about him being a cock (yet). Joining as a family is a big adjustment and he obviously hasn't thought it through properly. I had tohave this conversation with (now) DH when we had our first too. He needs to start thinking of the three of you as a financial unit. Once a child comes into a relationship there can't be any more 'I earn more than you' malarkey because the activities of the unit are not just about earning/spending money. They're about caring (incorporating housework etc), child rearing (you don't have to send him a bill for housing, feeding and exporting his child after 9 months but you catch my drift), and earning money for the purposes of doing those things.

It doesn't even have to be a conversation about the morality of it, just the practicalities. If he wants it to work as a unit you have to work as a unit meaning you share everything one way or another.

If he doesn't want to work as a unit well then sorry but he is not committed to you and the baby.

BuckskinnedAstronaut · 10/11/2014 12:08

Siarie, posting a "why not do this?" suggestion that's already been suggested by several other people on the thread in the very same post in which you dismiss the possibility that any other posters might have had any useful contribution to make isn't "hitting a nerve", it's "behaving like an arse".

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 12:12

Yup. "Don't listen to that bunch of rubbish posters...do this". Even though it had been suggested waaaay before you rocked up. Not by me, incidentally, so no nerves hit here.

Chunderella · 10/11/2014 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 10/11/2014 12:16

I am going to go against the grain as well and say we don't split things 50/50 nor do we have a joint account - doesn't make a difference to our relationship or living arrangements. I paid the deposit on our house and pay the mortgage etc. just because its the way I want it.

you are never going to get a balanced view on this forum about what your relationship when it comes to money - they all think all men should give their wages over to wife and if they don't its financial abuse...

your right your family is the three of you now- its not only about you and your DS as someone else has said - I cant even believe someone would suggest that. I also cant believe someone saying OPs OH is on probation? honestly some people have such a biased view of life... its no wonder people have issues in their relationships with views like these!

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 12:16

"All you are going to get is people talking about you and your £15k because your a woman and he's a man."

This sentence does not make sense. Are people really talking about op and her savings because she is a woman? We are talking about her and her money because she is posting about it.

If her partner was another woman, it would not matter one jot. She is putting herself in a vulnerable position because she is the mother of a baby risking her finances on a man she does not really know, who could end up causing a legal battle where she loses her savings, if and when he decides to go.

HappyAgainOneDay · 10/11/2014 12:19

magoria says "Why if he earns so much more than you does he have zero savings? "

How do you know that he has zero savings? Because he said so? Could he have secret savings accounts and investments and he hasn't told you about them? I wouldn't be surprised .....

Chunderella · 10/11/2014 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 12:23

De Menz are tinking about Demenz, why should we do to.....

WooWooOwl · 10/11/2014 12:28

Why should OP have the right to protect her 15k deposit for herself, but then still have an equal share in the house with the DP paying more than half of the bills, as presumably mortgage payments will be included in that.

Women really do expect to have it all sometimes just because they are the ones that biology has decided are going to grow and delver the babies. It's ridiculous.

I think it's perfectly fair for an unmarried couple who find themselves together because of an unplanned pregnancy to pay 50/50, even if that does mean that one has more spending money than the other. Conceiving a child with someone doesn't mean you owe them half your salary.

Sparkky · 10/11/2014 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 12:33

erm, because she will be on maternity leave earning very little, to stay home and look after their child, saving them childcare costs? Why shall she be the only one responsible for childcare?

Chunderella · 10/11/2014 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 10/11/2014 12:35

Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't.

Either way, regardless of whether OP is with a man or a woman, she has no right to protect her contribution to the household for herself at the same time as asking her do to provide more than 50% that would then be split equally.

WooWooOwl · 10/11/2014 12:38

Quint, she shouldn't be the only one responsibile for childcare, but for all we know from the OP so far, the dp might be quite happy for OP to go back to work full time and pay half of the childcare costs.

If she's choosing to work part time, then she would be benefitting very nicely from not having to pay 50% of the bills.

I will never understand how some posters on mn are determined to make out like looking after your own child is some kind of hardship that is doing the other partner a favour. It isn't.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 12:40

erm, woo, perhaps you have never thought about how the fact that overwhelmingly women bear the babies and the concomitant blows to their career and earning potential

others have, and are advising appropriately

Chunderella · 10/11/2014 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 12:42

The deposit is a red herring, and should really be seen separately from the situation.

If they buy together and pay equal share to the mortgage, the equity will be theirs to share, minus the deposit. The deposit just facilitated the purchase and put them on the housing ladder. It is only fair that she gets this back in case of a split. Why should he get part of it if he did not put any in to it? He gets his share of the equity!

Whether they rent or buy, they need to pay bills, and utilities. If they rent, they pay rent, if they own, they pay the mortgage.

The tricky part is if one partner earns more than the other, and the low earning partner is the main childcarer, and takes a step out of the career ladder, while the other parent is free to move on and up and build a career. Why shall not the parent staying home get some recognition for her sacrifice? Why shall she be made to pay half of all the cost to stay home and save the family money while he builds his career?

EverythingsRunningAway · 10/11/2014 12:42

She should have the "right" to protect the savings she came into this (very short) relationship with, and so should he.

However, if they are going to live as a household the financial arrangements should be fair.

I think this is a gendered issue. Women are so often expected to "go in 50-50" and make themselves financially vulnerable to men who are looking after their own interests.

A decent person wouldn't hear of an arrangement that gave them access to 50% of the life savings of a person they had known for less than a year.

Particularly if that person had just had a baby.