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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a joint account after fronting all 15k deposit for our family home?

160 replies

Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 22:26

I hadn't been with my new partner very long before we fell pregnant. Our son is now 5 weeks old and we are a happy little family. I have been saving alone for a while and due to certain circumstances I have 15k to put down as a deposit for our first family home, my partner has no savings at all.
I mentioned that we should get a joint bank account that both out wages should go into so we can pay for everything out if that. I am a firm believer in what's mine is yours I never ever refer to the 15k as being mine is OUR money for OUR house. due to me being on maternity, our plans for my return to work and my partners up and coming promotion he is on a lot more money than me. I think this is putting him off the joint account?!? also he talks about splitting bills 50/50 this would leave me with less than 1/4 of my wages and leave him over half of his. A IBM to ask for a family account when I am investing so much up front or is his way the only fair way? Xx

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 09/11/2014 23:04

Hmm - red flags waving and alarm bells ringing.

Do not, under any circumstances, put up the money for a house unless it is in your name.

In fact - do not consider living with this man until you know him well enough to know whether he has enough love and respect for you to be a life partner and a good father.

YANBU and his way is not fair.

hippo123 · 09/11/2014 23:05

Either rent for the time being or if you do buy make sure your deposit is protected. Why not have joint and single accounts? My dh and I each put an equal percentage of our wages into the joint account, so he earns more than me so he puts more in. Out of this come mortage, food, bills, anything for the kids. Then we each have our own money to spend on ourselves as we wish as well. Dh does end up with more in his own account but then he will always pay for days out, weekends away etc and I always dig into the joint account if needed. Sounds like you both really need to sit down and talk.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/11/2014 23:05

What FeckTheMagicDragon said. All of it.

It should also be remembered that finance is not the only contribution to a household. While you are on maternity leave, you will be contributing a great deal of TIME and CARE. If you were not, then he would be having to pay someone to care for his son and to attend to the household tasks. Always remember that your unpaid efforts are what allows him to go out and earn. If you were to contribute 50% of the finance on top of this, then he is clearly short-changing the household.

You are a family and a partnership of adults. Each adult contributes and each adult should be supported. Equal free time, equal personal spending.

Notmeagain1 · 09/11/2014 23:05

Sorry about you dad. Flowers If you can stay with your mum a little longer to afford him the opportunity to save towards the down payment that would help.

Do make certain you have the finances worked out with him before you do anything. Its best in writing so your funds are protected.

He makes more so he pays more thats what a family does. Good luck.

Lweji · 09/11/2014 23:06

You are not married. Do protect yourself legally and your deposit. Make sure you get it back and all your contributions if things so pear shaped.
As they may well go, if he is already thinking like that.
What is happening during maternity leave? Is it coming off your savings too?
Who will pay for child care?

And don't discount marriage as a financial contract to protect you and your child.

Coyoacan · 09/11/2014 23:07

Just don't be too altruistic OP. You have your child to think of now.

Morloth · 09/11/2014 23:07

I wouldn't be merging finances with someone without either a marriage certificate or a whole bunch of legal documentation in its place.

You will be left up shit Creek without a paddle.

Your DS needs to you to ensure his financial security, best way to do that is to sort your own.

PedantMarina · 09/11/2014 23:07

I'm not, but he's earning so much more than you, how is it he isn't saving at least a bit?

Or, put it this way, if you start looking for a house NOW, by the time you complete, it might be a month or two. How much would he have by that time? Because if he can't rein it in and stump up a bit of savings, I'd be worrying about his money management in general. And, yes, I speak as somebody who wasn't very good with that when I was younger - my judgey-pants are earned! Grin

Read the freds a bit more, and links to CAB and direct.gov places, but the consensus is that unmarried couples have almost no rights. If you put this money in without an agreement as to exactly what you each get if the house gets sold, you're in grave danger.

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 23:13

Woah, 7.5k is a lot of money to give away if you should separate.

You need to get this drawn up legally so you get your money back. How long have you been together?

WooWooOwl · 09/11/2014 23:16

All this talk of red flags and rights seems so over the top to me.

From the first two lines of the OP, I gather that it's possible that this couple have been together less than a year. It's possible that they are only still together because of the baby.

It doesn't make this bloke shit of the century because he wants to protect his own finances as much as the OP does.

PedantMarina · 09/11/2014 23:16

Seeing it as family money only works of both of you see it the same way. If you don't, you're house mates that sleep together.

What Feck said, in spades.

A great way to get round this (one way or another) is to put your savings into a deposit, for a house which is in YOUR name only. Instead, charge him £XXX rent a month (the whole of the mortgage, maybe more if you want to charge him for things like childcare or housekeeping) and then see how you go. Propose this to him. I'll just bet he won't like it.

Inertia · 09/11/2014 23:19

If he won't now support his family while you are on mat leave, you don't have 15k available for a deposit. You need that money for living expenses.

You need legal advice - sounds as though you buy into this family a lot more readily than your partner.You'd be a fool not to protect your deposit under the circumstances.

Stripyhoglets · 09/11/2014 23:21

Protect that 15k please OP. He's showing you that he expects you to contribute half even though that leaves you with a lot less disposable income than him. Very much what's his is his and what's yours is to be shared. If you put 15 k in do not let him talk you into not protecting it with deed of trust. If you don't he will be immediately entitled to half the equity in the house if it's bought in joint names.

Original poster
Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 23:23

I don't think I could get the house in my name alone, I doubt I'd get a decent enough mortgage.
does it sound naive to say I want to invest in our family?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 09/11/2014 23:28

That's fine.

But get a deed of trust / cohabitation agreement.

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 23:29

Yes, it sounds incredibly naive.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 09/11/2014 23:30

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. How exactly is he squaring it with his conscience? Living in a house paid for by you, while you look after his child, and he spends more money?

Lweji · 09/11/2014 23:30

It is naive, as he is not.

Lweji · 09/11/2014 23:32

All this talk of red flags and rights seems so over the top to me.

From the first two lines of the OP, I gather that it's possible that this couple have been together less than a year. It's possible that they are only still together because of the baby.

It doesn't make this bloke shit of the century because he wants to protect his own finances as much as the OP does.

Which is why she should protect her own finances!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/11/2014 23:32

"due to me being on maternity, our plans for my return to work and my partners up and coming promotion he is on a lot more money than me. I think this is putting him off the joint account?!?"

"does it sound naive to say I want to invest in our family?"
I'd be more inclined to describe it as blinkered, when your partner can't even bring himself to agree to a joint account.

WooWooOwl · 09/11/2014 23:32

It doesn't sound naive, but it would be a foolish thing to do if you're not 100% certain that you and your DP want the same things for your relationship and your future and are in agreement about how to achieve it.

Primaryteach87 · 09/11/2014 23:33

Tell him that's fine. But obviously any time you are caring for his baby you will be charging him for his 50% of the going daily nursery rate.

He might change his mind in a hurry! Or agree, and you'd have money for these bills.

What a joker.

WooWooOwl · 09/11/2014 23:33

Of course she should Lweji, but so should he.

Morloth · 09/11/2014 23:34

It is naive.

He doesn't have to be a 'shit' for this to go wrong.

Even if he has only the best of intentions he could have an accident, he could die.

Shit happens.

Be prepared.

Romance and love and family are great. So is financial security, have all of them.

Lweji · 09/11/2014 23:34

But she is being generous, while he's not. She is thinking of a family and he is not.
That is the problem.