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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a joint account after fronting all 15k deposit for our family home?

160 replies

Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 22:26

I hadn't been with my new partner very long before we fell pregnant. Our son is now 5 weeks old and we are a happy little family. I have been saving alone for a while and due to certain circumstances I have 15k to put down as a deposit for our first family home, my partner has no savings at all.
I mentioned that we should get a joint bank account that both out wages should go into so we can pay for everything out if that. I am a firm believer in what's mine is yours I never ever refer to the 15k as being mine is OUR money for OUR house. due to me being on maternity, our plans for my return to work and my partners up and coming promotion he is on a lot more money than me. I think this is putting him off the joint account?!? also he talks about splitting bills 50/50 this would leave me with less than 1/4 of my wages and leave him over half of his. A IBM to ask for a family account when I am investing so much up front or is his way the only fair way? Xx

OP posts:
antimatter · 09/11/2014 23:37

Hold on with buying the house.
Get back to work asap and share childcare cost and household bills.
See how he is about finances before committing to buying home with him.
Maybe in a years time you can buy your house on your own - he may still not be able to save a penny even if he holds on to some of his earnings then you'll see what his commitment is.

Momagain1 · 09/11/2014 23:40

atm we ate living with my mum so we really don't have the time to wait which is why we are using my savings.

RENT! I know it's not the suburban dream, but you dont need to buy a house just because you are a family. Home ownership is a good idea in general, but not always a good idea in every circumstance. I think your circumstances scream out against making a long term financial committment with this dp at this time. You have barely known him a year, fell pregnant, decided to have the baby and be a family, had the baby, and only now are discussing day to day financial plans? Get your financial and household habits negotiated and sorted, then consider a home purchase.

Lweji · 09/11/2014 23:43

And hold on to those savings.

Make sure that you are in a place and have bills you can afford.

If you were single, you could get benefits and CSA and might end up financially better than with him.
While he has you co-financing his lifestyle.

You are living with your mum. How is he with housework and the baby?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2014 23:49

If you do rent, please make sure that your savings are not eaten up paying 50% when you are not earning. Take some time, sit him down and have a calm talk with him about your future. I know you're happy, delighted with your baby and little family. Just make sure you are both on the same page.

Momagain1 · 09/11/2014 23:49

He doesn't have to be a 'shit' for this to go wrong.

It sounds horrible, but the numbers are not in your favor. Sure, someone has to be in the minority that actually make a long-term (or even lifetime) relationship out of this beginning. But most don't.

avocadotoast · 09/11/2014 23:51

Reiterating what others have said: legal advice, protect your £15k, look into deed of trust etc. Joint mortgage is fine, but that £15k is yours and you need to make sure it stays that way.

In terms of bills, if you're earning less, you pay less. Doesn't matter whether you have a joint account or not (I know married couples who don't), as long as things are fair. Can you draw up a budget and work things out between you that way? So you pay for abc, and partner pays for xyz, in proportion to what you bring in.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/11/2014 23:56

How much is he giving your mum towards bills? Presumably he is saving some money also now that's he's a father and needs to provide a home for his child?

Tread very carefully here OP. You are all loved up and full of new mum hormones, you want to be a family and build a nest for you all. Your P is not necessarily on the same page as you are.

I would rent for a while, keeping your £15k safely in the bank. Don't even think about using it to 'even up' your contribution to the household or whatever phrase your partner comes out with. He earns more, he needs to pay more.

Out of interest, where was he living before he moved in with your mother?

Lweji · 09/11/2014 23:57

A fair proportion of income to pay bills might be that if he earns 60% of income and you earn 40%, then you'd divide the bills that way. And adjust as income varies.
Another way many people use is that each partner is left with the same spending amount.

Is he paying anything towards bills at your mom?

cheesecakemom · 09/11/2014 23:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2014 00:01

Never ever buy a house with someone unless you have lived with them first (and living at your Mum's doesn't 't count). You really hardly know this guy.

BaffledSomeMore · 10/11/2014 00:13

Completely agree with advice to be cautious here. You haven't had enough experience of living together and how supportive he will be to make clearly evidenced decisions.
Not wanting to merge finances totally is reasonable. DH and I have partially merged finances. That's fine.
My worry would really centre around the unequal contributions with you paying deposit and then paying 50% of mortgage and bills which leaves you short. There's more financial commitment proportionally from you.
What happens when you're on SMP? Will you contribute all of that to bills? Who buys nappies? Can you afford to go out to activities and have coffee? Buy clothes for you?
You need a demonstration of commitment to the unit that is in line with yours.

Allalonenow · 10/11/2014 00:42

Hold onto your savings in your very own savings account.

Suggest to him that you both open a joint savings account for the deposit for a house, see what his reaction is.

Don't split the bills 50/50, split them in proportion to what each of you earns, so if he earns three times as much as you, he should contribute three times whatever you do.
Open a bank account in joint names for these household expences.

You actually haven't been together for very long, so don't rush into anything else yet.

Bogeyface · 10/11/2014 00:52

Tell him yes, absolutely you will go 50/50 and when he has paid you back his half of the deposit by covering your half of the bills to the tune of £7.5k, you will start paying.

Or alternatively do as suggested above and see a solicitor asap.

AuntieStella · 10/11/2014 07:26

"does it sound naive to say I want to invest in our family?"

To put it very bluntly, your family is you and your DC.

At the moment, he's still auditioning for a role. If your idea of how to run and merge finances do not meet in a workable plan, then this might never be the basis for a secure family.

I think you need to talk to him about the future. Stay put or rent until this is properly sorted.

Research properly the differences between married and unmarried cohabitation and ensure you have put in place all the mitigations you decide you need before moving in. This includes things like wills and pension nominations. Or are those all already dealt with?

HighwayDragon · 10/11/2014 07:31

What Feck said, with absolute bells on.

Vanillepudding · 10/11/2014 08:10

Move out, and rent somewhere together.

You haven't been with him that long, it sounds too early to make a decision like that.
Keep that money in the bank and don't touch it. It's yours. Yes, it's tempting to buy a house, but not without thinking it all through, and securing your assets.

Set up a family home without this money. It will show you how he is with money, if he can save, how committed he is to support you in your maternity leave, etc.

Listen to that niggling feeling you had, which made you post here.

flowery · 10/11/2014 08:44

Nothing wrong with investing in a relationship. But don't invest in one your partner is not prepared to invest in also.

meadowquark · 10/11/2014 08:45
  1. Postnup agreement if you are married or prenup or equivalent if you are not, to protect your deposit.
  2. OK not to want to join accounts in my opinion, but you split your budget not 50/50 but proportionally so both of you have the same amount of spare cash to remain with.
Elliptic5 · 10/11/2014 08:54

I've been down this road with a house deposit and although we subsequently got married I lost a lot of money through my stupidity in not ring fencing my deposit. Also ExH kept me really poor as a SAHM through part of the marriage then stopped working when I had a job and subsequently left.
All my mistakes through my naivety - wish I'd acted on the advice I was given Sad.

Why are you asking the question when you don't want to take any notice of the answers?

TheBooMonster · 10/11/2014 09:05

All of our wages are paid into one account, we then get spending money. I earn less because I am home 5 days a week with DD but I have more to spend because I'm the one who takes her out in the day.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 10:16

"does it sound naive to say I want to invest in our family?"

Yes.

For the following reasons:

  1. You have savings, he has none. He is ok with you paying deposit on a house he will have part ownership in.
  2. He has a higher salary than you. Yet, he expects you to go 50-50 on everything, even if you will earn even less during maternity when you carry, give birth to and and stay home to raise his child.
  3. You are all loved up and dont really know him.
  4. He is happy to move in with you at your parents, rather than providing for you and child.
  5. You seem to be the only one investing, and he seems to be the only one benefiting from your investment.

Live with him, rent somewhere while you get to know him, and experience first hand whether he is a good dad or not, a good partner or not, selfish or selfless, respectful or a twat, whether he pulls his weight with chores, whether he is happy too pool his money, before you decide just how much you invest in him ^financially>.

Idocrazythings · 10/11/2014 10:42

If he wants to split bills 50/50 and you are ok with that, make sure you bill him for child care.

carlsonrichards · 10/11/2014 10:50

Do not buy a house with this person right now. And no 50/50, that is for flatmates, not family partnerships.

however · 10/11/2014 10:56

Is he the love of your life? Do you want to spend the test of your life with the guy? Or are you just making a go of it because you're pregnant?

MimiSunshine · 10/11/2014 11:00

If he wants everything split 50/50 tell him that's fine but it also applies to the house deposit so he needs to find £7.5k as a minimum while you keep £7.5k back as savings.

If you haven't been together too long then I suggest you rent for a year while you settle more into your relationship and he can get saving. Then insist on a joint account for the rent and bills. Its important you get the practicalities of living together ironed out before you buy.

I don't personally believe that all money has to be pooled but if he earns considerably more then he should pay in the proportionate %.
i.e. lets say you earn £25k and he earns £40k, suggest the rent and bills are split 60/40 (him/you). If he really wont consider this then you need to re-evaluate living with him at all.