To think this is unfair (child care related)

[babyiwantabump]

Background : I have a 10 month old DS am currently on maternity leave but going back to work soon . DP works full time . In laws were going to be providing a small amount of child are for us as they are both retired my parents both still work full time .

Now basically SIL has recently had a baby . The in laws have now said that they cannot provide the small amount if child care as they now have to look after SIL.

SIL is married , lives with her partner and is 10 years older than me. She is a stay at home mum. She goes to her parents with the baby every day and her mum occasionally goes to SIL's to stay overnight.

AIBU to feel pissed off that because SIL is being precious I may have to reduce my work hours and loose ££ a week as we effectively now have no child care and we were promised it first!

Dons hard hat but crosses arms and sulks!

Perhaps they didn't know.

If things have suddenly changed now, then maybe there is a problem you are unaware of.

I would be wary of him being seen as the primary carer if he does reduce his hours. It sounds like primarily you do all the care for your child and shoulder most of the financial burden so it doesn't sound like a solid foundation for a partnership. If you split up in future you don't want him to get custody solely because he dropped his hours (if he was the true primary carer it would be a different matter but it doesn't sound like he is).

Could you not just ask him to pay for the childcare to cover what his parents are no longer offering?

Yanbu its awful to be promised something, then being taken away like that. Also your partner is a big problem, she should be also contributing what he can towards bills, mortgage, and childcare, of take on another better paid job. That is something you have to address with him asap.

Can the nursery not provide care at the times the in laws were going to?

Sorry hadn't clicked "refresh"

This is all very unfair on you.

DP should reduce his hours and cover the childcare. And have a word with his parents telling them why he has to do this.

it is very unfair that the GP are behaving like this. They are playing favourites with their children and now doing the same with their grandchildren. SIL needs help but so do you and your DP. However, you are not going to change them so probably would be a waste of your breath.

Well he has no student loan payments (never went to uni) but I do .

I don't want to reduce my hours because of career progression also but the issue is there is no childcare available at DS nursery to top up to full time!

I could pay if the sessions were available .

Basically I'm screwed! I don't think I can even reduce at work unless I give x amount of notice - I need to call HR on Monday .

He needs to contribute, pro-rata, to the overall costs of childcare - childcare that enables you both to work.

Your dp sounds useless.

Get rid.

Pil could get to fuck too.

IMHO you need to go back full time, whatever it takes.
Your DP sounds like a passenger, not a partner.
I would strongly advise you look for a childminder.
How old is your other child?
What do you currently do about after school/school holidays? Don't you Need childcare for your other child then?

My other child is 10 and my grandparents have her . They wouldn't be able to look after a young baby though - 10 years ago they did! But they are getting on a bit now!

She has after school clubs till 5 most days then my dad picks her up and will have her till I finish work .

I go back beginning of January but most places around here have waiting lists and there is the issue of giving work notice .

If he earns half than you then it makes more sense that he goes part time and you go full time.
If it is imposible then you need to find a childminder for the hours that Nursery cant have your son or you could look into Nannyshare (although that will be more complicating because of tax and NI but it could be more flexible in terms of coming late from work or baby being ill).

It seems like your PILs havent done very good job with their own children so it might be better that they wont have influence on yours!

YANBU but I agree the solution is a childminder for the times the PiLs were going to be looking after baby - your DP should pay specifically for this as you've agreed to fund the rest if he can afford it. Check your local council for the list of registered childminders and ask the nursery to let you know when they have more hours to offer. If you are getting close to the return date and need a bit more time for starting date for childminder or new nursery, ask HR if you can add some parental or dependent leave to the end to make emergency arrangements, but if you have a couple of months that will give you time to settle baby with a childminder and nursery. Not ideal and not what you planned, but do-able.

She cannot do night feeds without the support of one of the inlaws ( she is breastfeeding) I'm not sure what they actually do to help but she needs them there apparently!

I simply am lost for words!

DP needs to pick up his share of childcare costs irrespectiveof who earns most. Responsibility for your child is not pro rata.

Thank goodness the house is yours.

Personally I'd let him do one to his parents' house then the whole family can sit and watch his sister breastfeed

Your issue is with dp not stepping up , not your pils or sil. Your dc is a joint venture , funds for childcare have to be dealt with accordingly, none of this I pay for x and you pay for y etc. Have you approached a nursery or a cm to cover the extra time ? Maybe things will change again with sil, but better you find out that they are unreliable now than once you are back at work.

Sonof

I'm going to look into a childminder straight away .

To be honest I don't think I'm going to get any funds out of DP . More fool me really . I think he's just got used to me doing all the child stuff with DD over the years that he thinks that's how it should carry on.

Words will be had later on!

Oh gosh- your DP needs a wake up call. Surely he understands that his responsibility to DS is much greater than to your DP? He needs stern words. It's annoying to be let down but I'm with the people saying you don't know what's happening behind closed doors and tbh help with nights is something I would have LOVED when I was BFing in the early sleep deprived months. They are not the problem your DP is. Sit down and both of you decide how you will both deal with this probleem.

Baby - if you split up and claim maintenance for your child through the CSA then he WILL have to pay up, it will be deducted from his pay at source. You would be much better off financially if you separated. You own your home and have no obligation to maintain him if you are not married.

If he really will not contribute to the upkeep of his DC in your relationship then the relationship does not sound like it is worth preserving.