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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unfair (child care related)

110 replies

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 11:18

Background : I have a 10 month old DS am currently on maternity leave but going back to work soon . DP works full time . In laws were going to be providing a small amount of child are for us as they are both retired my parents both still work full time .

Now basically SIL has recently had a baby . The in laws have now said that they cannot provide the small amount if child care as they now have to look after SIL.

SIL is married , lives with her partner and is 10 years older than me. She is a stay at home mum. She goes to her parents with the baby every day and her mum occasionally goes to SIL's to stay overnight.

AIBU to feel pissed off that because SIL is being precious I may have to reduce my work hours and loose ££ a week as we effectively now have no child care and we were promised it first!

Dons hard hat but crosses arms and sulks!

OP posts:

Whycantibetangy · 09/11/2014 11:38

Aah the grandparent childcare problem, I know it well. My MIL looks after her other grandchildren 5 days pw and has no time left for my DC especially upsetting as both my parents are dead so the only grandparents they have.

I only hope BIL and SIL reciprocate the years and years of care when they need elderly care (cos I sure as hell wont be doing it)

ChippingInAutumnLover · 09/11/2014 11:39

Back the truck up.

What's all this 'I'm paying for the nursery' shit??

Who has been paying for what while you've been on ML?

DoughnutSelfie · 09/11/2014 11:39

Ah now this is a bit more complicated

Childcare costs should most emphatically not fall on your shoulders alone

Why does your partner feel that he needs not pay fairly for childcare? He is equally responsible for the child

Original poster

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 11:39

But I physically cannot go back full time now as don't have enough childcare .

OP posts:

Mrsgrumble · 09/11/2014 11:40

Ok op, your in laws made a false promise and that is unpleasant, but keep schtum. Their call.

Your do p, on the other hand is in the wrong here. That is what you've to sort out. I don't see go he though by using his mother he was doing his bit??

Nother grandparent helps with our baby but I just get on with it but we can afford childcare.

I think the whole situation is very unfair on you.

Original poster

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 11:42

I saved a large amount of money to enable me to take the full maternity leave (1 year) so I could top up smp and the unpaid bit to my normal earnings.

Basically - I pay for everything and DP gives me x amount a week to contribute .

I am the main earner .

OP posts:

YouAreAnton · 09/11/2014 11:45

"Yes I have issues with DP over this aswell as this was his "contribution" towards the child care . (I am paying for nursery myself)"

There's your problem. It's not your in-laws, it's the father of your child.

You can go back to work ft now and you do have enough childcare. There is one child. There are two parents. That's 2 adults with parental responsibility to one child = plenty of childcare.

DoughnutSelfie · 09/11/2014 11:45

Oh shitting hell

Right

Your home - please don't tell us he alone has the mortgage

Vitalstatistix · 09/11/2014 11:48

well no, his 'contribution' will not now be happening so he has to make another contribution, doesn't he?

Otherwise he is making no contribution.

Which is a bit weird when you consider it is his child. Don't let him pull that shit. He is equally responsible for child related expenses.

Pocpocpocs · 09/11/2014 11:50

I can definitely see why are annoyed but there isn't anything you can do about it and it's certainly not worth letting this sour your relationship with DPs parents especially as it sounds as though you are resentful of his contribution, or lack of, to childcare. It does sound as though you're trying to work everything out on your own and you shouldn't be. As you are the main earner would it make sense for him to cut his hours to cover the childcare? Is this possible? What has your discussion with DP been regarding this whole matter?

Original poster

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 11:50

Nope house is solely in my name as I brought it before we got together . He moved in here .

I think he's just got used to me paying for everything as he earns about half I do.

I'm now thinking why should I sacrifice my hours - shouldn't he be the one that reduces his?

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 09/11/2014 11:51

Yanbu to be upset that they've gone back on a promise. But it is a different thing looking after children with the mother present i.e. SIL, much easier and pleasanter for them. They're under no obligation to help you of course. There are all sorts of things they could be thinking about. Not least that it's a massive commitment, unlike with SIL.

If you're so bothered about it get your dh to have a word with them. What's his view on it?

Vitalstatistix · 09/11/2014 11:51

He is certainly the one who should be coming up with a plan b since his arrangement has fallen through.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/11/2014 11:52

YANBU to be upset with pil's u turn. They are allowed to change their minds but it's inevitably going to damage your relationship.

I agree with other posters that it sounds like DP is the bigger issue.

LadyLuck10 · 09/11/2014 11:52

What was your plan going to be if there were no IL to be providing this childcare? Surely you didn't have a baby with the IL factored in?

DoughnutSelfie · 09/11/2014 11:52

Phew for your housing arrangements

Yep he needs to fund the Plan B

formerbabe · 09/11/2014 11:56

Yanbu!

I'm confused as to why the sil needs so much help?!

Pocpocpocs · 09/11/2014 11:58

Yes financially it makes sense for him to reduce his hours, especially if you don't want to reduce yours. You need to both sit down, be honest about what you both want to do, be realistic about what's possible and come up with something together....
My DH was a bit like this when I went back to work (slightly more straightforward as I wanted to go part time and he is the breadwinner) and was leaving everything to me to sort because it was easier for him until I made it clear I wanted us to work it out together so it would work for all of us.
And yes to what pp said - with only one DC its comparatively easy (two or more however.......)

FishWithABicycle · 09/11/2014 11:58

It's annoying but you can't force them.

It's ridiculous that you were going to allow your DP's sole contribution to childcare to be him getting his parents to do it. And even more ridiculous that now they won't, your solution is that you take on more.

Either he should pay for more nursery or he should reduce his hours and do these 2 mornings himself.

Why are you with such a useless individual?

Original poster

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 11:58

The nursery DS will be going to can't offer any further hours at the minute - I will look into a childminder as that may end up better in the long run .

Them announcing this has just come at a shitty time - where am I going to get childcare at such short notice - why didn't they say this before when SIL was pregnant .

If they had said I could have prepared something else

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 09/11/2014 12:00

If you earn more than him, it does make sense that he should be the one to reduce hours.

Original poster

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 12:02

SIL is just precious - that is the only way I can think to describe her . She cannot do night feeds without the support of one of the inlaws ( she is breastfeeding) I'm not sure what they actually do to help but she needs them there apparently!

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 09/11/2014 12:03

You need to disentangle this. Your problem is not your in-laws or your SIL - it's your DP.

You need to sit him down and talk it though together.

formerbabe · 09/11/2014 12:04

Seriously! Jeez, that would drive mad!

Original poster

babyiwantabump · 09/11/2014 12:05

Fish - I don't know - he is precious too! I think it's the in laws fault for sheltering both their children so much!

Oh and I have another DD from a previous relationship . She is in school full time so not an issue .

OP posts:

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