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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand how parents can leave their babies to cry?

144 replies

Beatrixemerald · 09/11/2014 10:35

I just cannot leave my baby to cry, even fora few minutes (exception to this is when driving alone with dd). I have such a strong physical response, I cant do anything and just have to comfort her immediately. She is 5 months old and is always easily consoled so I am always able to comfort her.
My grandmother told me that babies need to cry sometimes (don't believe this) and a friend of mine was suprised I couldn't just tune it out (she also has a baby of a similar age).
To keep my baby happy I am now a sling-wearing/co-sleeping/ebf mother which I never really planned to be, but I just cant stand my baby being unhappy.
I am totally crazy arent I?

OP posts:
ZingOfSeven · 09/11/2014 17:36

alpaca

why unfair? people becoming nervous wrecks because baby coughs or makes a noise - what do you call it? over-reacting? helicopter-parenting?
call it what you will. I call it neurotic and it's not healthy.

but I didn't accuse or label anybody that they are.
so long

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 18:22

The Op didn't describe becoming a nervous wreck because her baby coughed or made a noise she described feeling a really strong impulse/feeling or unbearable sensation in response to her baby crying.

It is a completely overwhelming need to go to your baby and completely normal if it happens to you. I wanted to wrench my baby away from people who insisted they would be fine when they were crying for me-it was like torture.
As I have said my HV reassured me and told me it was completely normal in BF mothers in the early months - totally against what I had been told by my MIL and others who labelled me as unreasonable/over anxious.

I was perfectly happy and content when I stopped listening to them and accepted that my need to be with my baby was normal.
Telling people that if they respond to their baby might cause them to become neurotic is wrong and unfair .
I don't think you actually know what it means tbh. or the way in which it has been used to label women.

slightlyconfused85 · 09/11/2014 18:47

I cant understand how people can be ebf, co sleeping, baby wearing parents with no time to themselves ever. However, I respect other people's choices in bringing up their children therefore i would never post such a judgemental thread. yabvu

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2014 18:54

I agree with everything zing has written.
I don't think such mollycoddling of children is good for them in the long run. You can make them feel loved and cherished etc without running to attend their every cry.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 09/11/2014 18:57

Am feeling a bit guilty about the times I left my DTDs to cry....but really it saved my sanity! Blush

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 09/11/2014 18:57

I might add we often co sleep now Smile. Wished we had room for a Bigger bed

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 19:01

I think the title is a bit off tbh slightly but for me the baby wearing phase was relatively short.0-12 months. EBF until 2 ish
I became the
Strict bath time routine, bed, eat your dinner parent quite quickly!Grin

burgatroyd · 09/11/2014 19:04

My mum thinks the same as you!

I don't like hearing babies cry but with my second I leave her to it a bit more. She's a better sleeper and more independent.

slightlyconfused85 · 09/11/2014 19:06

alpaca absolutely - I think it is fine for each parent to do whatever works for them. If some parents need to let their babies cry for a few minutes to go off to sleep or whatever then this is fine. It is none of OPs business to write threads critisizing the choices of others in favour of her own just because she considers her techniques superior. The inference is that other parents don't care about their children crying. No parent likes this but in reality babies cry for lots of reasons and it is difficult to avoid at all times;.

Whatever works for her, same as every other parent.

GreenPetal94 · 09/11/2014 19:09

My youngest just cried, he wasn't changed by comforting as he cried after feeds. Pacing the floor with a baby who continues to cry is very wearing. So sometimes we did put him down.

At about 4 months he stopped crying like this, it was colic or similar, and after that I wouldn't leave him to cry really. With the exception of when I was in the loo or the pan was boiling over etc.

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 19:12

I think the OP should have written " I cant bear to hear my baby cry why is that"

But she did state her physical reaction to the crying not the judging of others.

Because I couldn't bear my baby crying and Had to got to them does not mean I think others are neglectful.
Im going to be brutally honest here - I really don't give a shit about how you bring up your DC ( general not you) it is of no interest to me what so ever.
If a child was in danger I would try to rescue them but otherwise parent however you like ( not abusive obviously) I couldn't care less.

Silvercatowner · 09/11/2014 19:13

My younger son just cried. Until he was about 18 months he was either eating, sleeping or yelling. It was awful and I felt as if I was a crap mum. 25 years ago I don't think the culture was so judgemental - had he been born now, I suspect I would've been guilt tripped into depression about it. However he's 26 now and doesn't seem to have suffered.

Showy · 09/11/2014 19:21

I knew I'd be a cosleeping, sling using, bfing APer but I was still shocked by the visceral reaction I had to my DC crying. I physically couldn't leave dd to cry if it was in my power to hold her. She is 7 and exceedingly confident, independent and self-assured. She isn't a bit clingy and everybody remarks on her resilience.

DS was a crier and had extreme separation anxiety. I had the same response to his crying but found that even though sometimes nothing helped, holding him helped me iyswim. He's three now and sensitive and shy but is maturing into an independent, thoughtful, well-rounded wee boy.

OP, I know what you were saying. You have been surprised by the ferocity of you instincts and the very idea of leaving your baby to cry is so physically abhorrent that you can't comprehend it. It's okay. It's the parent you need to be. Nary a rod will be created. Your relationship will change as you need it to. For now, your baby is tiny and you need to parent this way.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 09/11/2014 19:26

I was the same. DS had colic too and cried CONSTANTLY for the first five months. I couldn't leave him to cry, felt physically unable to listen to him cry and not hold him. I also was sent slightly mental by how much he cried though.

Now he's two, I can definitely listen to him cry more, mostly because it's tantrum crying. The only time I can't is when he's hurt and then I don't even like other people comforting him (although obviously I let DP cuddle and kiss it better)

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 19:32

Showy brilliant post Smile

mummymeister · 09/11/2014 19:38

Wow, I wish I was you. Instead I only have 3 happy healthy teenagers all of whom had controlled crying for sleep and are now perfectly well adjusted. unlike me, their mother who is clearly a miserable old cow who put herself and her sleep first.

re-post in a few years OP when you have another child, a tantruming toddler or a hormonal teen. smug doesn't even cover it.

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 19:42

Did you do CC for a small baby mummy ?
No I doubt you did nor did I .
The OP and most of us on here are talking about very small babies
RTFT - it usually helps.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 09/11/2014 19:43

I don't think the OP sounds that smug Confused

I don't know why people have to be so rude on here. Blunt, fine. To the point, good. But some posts seem just to be crossing over to nasty.

animalsunited · 09/11/2014 19:50

There is a lot more judgement and guilt now I think.

Like everything it is a balance surely? I love the idea of carrying my baby constantly, co-sleeping etc but is it possible in modern society?

In more remote, tribal communities that practice this method of parenting, parenting is more shared amongst a community of female relatives and older siblings. It's not actually the mother who does it 24hours.

But attachment parenting on your own, isolated behind closed doors could be so draining.

There is so much judgement on here and I do wonder if pnd rates have risen with the pressure to mother a certain way and in isolation.

I feel guilty I don't co-sleep but as I'm a sahm, I just feel I need space to sleep at night. I get touched out.

I hate leaving babies to cry but have done it for short periods of time out of need or desperation.

ghostvitruvius · 09/11/2014 20:00

I found holding, feeding, sleeping with the baby the easier way tbh. I'm a fairly lazy parent and have just done whatever is most pleasant and gets the most sleep at the time though, and for us that has been mostly slings, bed-sharing and dummies.

slightlyconfused85 · 09/11/2014 20:04

I don't think people are being nasty to the OP. I, like others, agree that OP should parent her baby however she wishes. But for a mother like me, who chose to do some things differently to her, the post reads as judgemental for those of us who have let a child cry for a few minutes for various reasons. I don't get irritated very often but this thread has annoyed me.

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 20:12

I think the judgement and guilt have always been there for women whatever they do.
If a man touches a baby they are godlike - wow how fabulous is he Hmm

Im not saying AP is the only way- for me I probably did do AP in the early months and drifted into a more structured routine as they grew older.
Co-sleeping with a toddler - no thanks Grin they were firmly in their own beds by 2.
I was also quite strict about mealtimes - fussy eating nope

MrsFlorrick · 09/11/2014 20:15

As many others here are saying.
The cries of my DC when newborn would literally cause me pain and I couldn't leave them even for a moment.
However a 3 yo having a meltdown (over why the battery operated Thomas the Tank cannot go in the bath) and a 5yo wailing because I refuse to buy more barbie clothes, I can easily withstand/leave. Wink

Newborn or young babies crying. No have to deal immediately.

alpacasosoft · 09/11/2014 20:17

slightly I don't think you understand that those of us who had a physical reaction to our DC crying would have loved to ignore it.
Bloody hell it was awful,I described feeling as if my skin was inside out it was that painful.
Look up "Don't point your avocado at me"
Its not about putting down other people its about how we felt.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 09/11/2014 20:25

I left DS to cry at bedtime, because if I tried to cuddle him as he went to sleep he would scream and cry for over 2 hours. If I walked out and closed the door and left him to it, he was asleep in 5 mins. Before this he was a nightmare to get to sleep (once I was no longer able to nurse him to sleep), and we would often be up with him till gone 2 am trying to get him to sleep. This was when he was about 15 months old though, so not newborn.

DD got left to cry, as she was a baby who it seemed either cried or fed for 23 hours of the day (until she had her tongue tie snipped) and I had a 17 months old DS to also see to, and needed to eat, go to toilet etc.

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