To not understand how parents can leave their babies to cry?

[Beatrixemerald]

I just cannot leave my baby to cry, even fora few minutes (exception to this is when driving alone with dd). I have such a strong physical response, I cant do anything and just have to comfort her immediately. She is 5 months old and is always easily consoled so I am always able to comfort her.
My grandmother told me that babies need to cry sometimes (don't believe this) and a friend of mine was suprised I couldn't just tune it out (she also has a baby of a similar age).
To keep my baby happy I am now a sling-wearing/co-sleeping/ebf mother which I never really planned to be, but I just cant stand my baby being unhappy.
I am totally crazy arent I?

Borttagen - yes that's exactly what I mean, It almost more for me than dd.
moresnow - depends how you define easy, she gets very upset whenever I have tried cot/moses basket etc to get her to sleep, she will only sleep with me. She is awake at least four times every night for a feed/comfort etc and cries when put down hence ending up being carried everywhere.

Trashcanjunkie - thank you, really interesting post. I literally have no idea how I would cope with twins, I suppose you just have to cope. Interesting point made by your HV too.

It depends on the baby.
At around 5mo old my son would cry and thrash around for 20-30 minutes in my arms to go to sleep but if I put him down in his cot he'd only cry for 3-5mins before falling asleep.
I had to make myself leave him while I watched the clock tick, it felt like an eternity but was never more than 6min.

What bothered me most was other mothers saying "oh I could never leave MY baby to cry" or "he just wants a cuddle" - these comments made me really sad and ashamed. So much that I tried to cuddle my baby to sleep and cosleep when we were on holiday as I was worried about being judged for leaving him. He basically screamed all night off and on till after three nights I had a major migraine and passed out.

So how about less judging? It depends on the baby what works best and what is genuinely kindest.

My son did not settle easily. You could feed him, hold him, rock him and he would still scream himself to sleep. Eventually he was getting so heavy and was squirming and arching his back when I tried to rock him, I couldn't take any more of it. I started to put him in his cot for naps, he cried at first but after a short time he went happily to sleep for naps. I never left him to cry in the night. The OP is lucky her child settles easily when picked up but for some, to listen to your child scream despite being fed and held is bloody awful and at some point enough is enough.

beatrix

do what you feel and believe is best for you and your baby.
there are many reasons why babies cry and also many different response times, depending on personalities, beliefs, circumstances etc.

as you said yourself when driving on your own you have to let baby cry. because you have no choice.
people feel the same at other times too.

you need to observe and recognise why baby cries.
99% of the time leaving them to cry for 5 mins (for whatever reason) will cause them no harm.
you must understand that if you want to avoid becoming a neurotic mother and bringing up a clingy child. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

you MUST IMMEDIATELY establish WHY a child cries. that is inevitable.
If it's an emergency of course you act.
but you don't always have to react to every little noise and whinge and you might not able or willing to drop everything. And that is fine. and so many times unavoidable.

Please think about that.
if baby starts crying just as the door bell rings and it's delivery you have been waiting for all day what do you do?
or if your other childs breaks a pencil and needs consoling?
or a thousand other things that make you STOP, LISTEN, OBSERVE, PRIOROTISE & ACT?
baby's need attention and love and care and all that but I'm afraid I have to break it to you that they don't always automatically and immediately come first.
please please think it through

all the best

If the baby starts crying as the doorbell rings, why wouldn't you just pick the baby up? Same with an older child being upset by something - it's fine to console both.

I don't think immediately tending to a crying baby will make them clingy in the slightest. In many cultures babies cry a lot less than in ours.

Zing - I get your point, I already feel neurotic but it feels really uncomfortable not to respond. I really dont want dd to grow up clingy.

I am exactly the same. Except that I saw it as a sign of my own weakness that I cave so quickly and do anything to stop the crying. I sort of envied people who would tolerate a bit of crying, or even full on sleep train, to get results. This thread has helped me see that there is a spectrum of how we react to the crying. However I am still worried that I am a wek parent- that I won't be able to discipline or teach my child rules, right and wrong etc.

Interestingly, I stopped bf about a month ago. LO is 12 months and a very happy chappy, im back at work. Not sure which is most important here, but my overwhelming physical response to his crying has decreased in intensity. I still get stressed, but not to the extent I was when he was 5 months old.

Indeed. I feel for the parent who has twins first. At least I had an idea of the 'shock and awe' babies can bring to your life. Plus, as ds1 was eight, I'd longed for a 2nd child for years, so was pretty blimmin chuffed at the prospect of two at once . Given the choice, I'd have popped out several more, but sadly it wasn't to be. I utterly love my dcs, and I really enjoyed the 2nd and 3rds baby years.

YANBU to feel that physical reaction, although it did make more sense to me that people could leave babies to cry when I realised that not all babies behaved the same way mine did (zero to full-on red-faced vomiting spluttering screaming in a couple of minutes) - some babies do just need to grump a bit before falling asleep. I find it less nerve-shredding to hear DD cry now that she's 7mo than when she was a newborn, but those first three months where she would cry and cry any time you weren't holding her and walking/bouncing/rocking just right were so stressful.

I have spent time on some American parenting forums where CIO is a much bigger thing, though, and I still find it weird to hear people talk about how upsetting it is to let their 3-month-olds scream for an hour so they'll 'learn to self-soothe'. Don't do it then!

I'm curious about the level of physical symptoms that people experience. So for me, it would off as an emotion, similar to mild worry or concern. By the end of three minutes of full on crying crying this would have changed to a feeling of panic, with rapid heartbeat, hyperventilation, stomach pains and nausea. After the baby was calm again, I would be a bit shaky with sore muscles. If i was doing everything within my power to calm the baby, it would stay at a level of anxiety rather than panic, regardless of whether the comfort was working.

And there were situations where the baby seemed happier if put down/left alone etc, and in those circumstances, putting the baby down was the less painful option.

Molly - if she is crying, I feel very anxious and unable to concentrate on anything until she is soothed. It makes me feel sick. The worst her crying has got is loud sobs with tears rolling down her face and very red.

Both of mine when they were babies had days where the only person they wanted was me and me alone. Fortunately there weren't many of those days but when they occurred I just abandoned whatever I had planned if I were able too. Was made easier by being on maternity leave and it seemed to settle them.

Mil was of the 'Babies SHOULD be left to cry, it does them good' brigade well fine if you feel you can do that but not everyone is the same and shouldn't be made to feel their way is wrong.

ghost

ok what if you're sick and projectile vomit all over the floor which then needs cleaning up then you need a shower?
what if you are 5 mins away from finishing preparing dinner so it can go in the oven?

what if...a thousand other things happen that will make you decide whether to pick up a baby or let them cry for 5 mins because they are ok and won't die?

I forever spend my days putting out fires and I put out the biggest one first. I have seven children and baby simply can not be always the first I have to sort out. mainly he is and while I can get to him I have strong physical response too (I'm also probe to panic attacks) but what I'm trying to say is that first time mums do well to train themselves to think that they need not feel guilty if they don't pick up a crying baby every time immediately. "poor baby" will be fine.

that's all I'm saying. it's the unnecessary guilt that is way more damaging then a few tears.

OP

your protective instinct is shared by most of us. if you can't stand the crying pick her up. but you might not need to in every case so maybe sing or talk to her to calm her down, distract her with a toy, put her in a bouncy chair so she can see you etc.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not saying she will be clingy.
in fact the more attention & cuddles they get the safer they will feel, which will make them feel loved and confident.
my 13 year old still cuddles me, big squeezy teenage hugs (bone crushing I tell ya! ) and I never want that to change!
but I don't hover over them or nervously jump (like my mother does which drives me nuts). I really hope you see what I mean

*prone

not probe

PFB mothers get this physical response strongest.

Once you have several other children, you learn that you have to prioritise needs.

Although crying baby often trumps other needs, it does not always.

Zing is utterly appalling to label a mother neurotic in this way .
Guess what my bloody MIL said the same!
Luckily I had a wonderful HV who didn't label me as neurotic but explained by my body was reacting in this way.

It is a hormonal/physical reaction - utterly utterly overwhelming and really uncomfortable,not because someone is neurotic FFS!!!

I only experienced it for the first few months and it peaked at around 3- 5 months and then gradually waned.
We are talking about the mothers of very small babies and yes I have BF mine while answering the phone/eating and generally getting on with life.
Mine were happy smiley babies and they did come first

train yourself
Have a

Frankly if you had a second you would discover AN AWFUL LOT of things you thought felt or believed with your first baby you realised were total horseshit with the second.
As far as I can tell, that happens again if 3 etc

Read this with interest...DS1...easy baby who didn't cry much....good routine..(but walked early and was very frustrated!)...DD...cried almost all the time, day and night for her 1st 6 months...nothing worked..(except being attatched permenantly to the boob which was totally impractical)...MIL dying, trying to support DH...she got left often I'm afraid...yes even to the point of red in the face vomiting....DS2..well...I'll just get washing in...I'll just get other 2 a sandwich...I'll just have to sort out squabbles...Oh...you're asleep... They are all ok...I don't think being left to cry did them any harm. But I do understand the physical reaction...it's just that sometimes the physical reaction has to be ignored...which you don't have to do because she is your 1st and you have the time and the patience!

I don't think being left for a short time hurts but I never felt how you describe....Personally it's sounds like a rod being made....but if you ....your baby and your family are all happy then whatever works for you.

Zing - I think we all make different choices in the way we parent, and do what works for us. I wouldn't leave a baby to cry for 5 minutes unless it was physically impossible to comfort them - and that's one of the reasons for having only two children with reasonable age gaps rather than several children close together (obviously parents of multiples or surprise babies don't always get to choose!).

I don't for a second believe that attending to a baby immediately makes a mother neurotic or a baby clingy - quite the opposite in fact.

I've also parented by second child in exactly the same way as the first in terms of responding to them, carrying them, feeding etc. Having an older child hasn't made me want or need to leave the second one to cry.

Obviously though I have been fortunate to have babies that are easy to comfort though and haven't suffered with things like colic.

A lady approached my friend in JL recently and told her to pick up her crying baby immediately as she was trying to communicate....it wasn't you was it

I find posts like this more than a little irritating tbh... You sound like you're being a bit judgey.
Do what works for you. You don't need to "understand" why someone else parents the way they do. I've never left DS (12months) to cry but I don't rush to him the second he whinges either. He's a secure happy little boy.
Others won't "understand" why/how you cosleep.
People do what's right for them. So long as the child is happy, loved and cared for, we should all just live and let live.

I am with you OP. My babies' cries give me a heavy heart and make me feel extremely stressed. I think I even got a worse reaction with baby number two, despite having an older child around. I couldn't always attend to DC2 when she was very tiny because I had to look after DC1 but oh the stress!! Now that DC2 is ten months old it's a bit better but I am still getting anxious when she cries and I cannot immediately tend to her.