To not understand how parents can leave their babies to cry?

[Beatrixemerald]

I just cannot leave my baby to cry, even fora few minutes (exception to this is when driving alone with dd). I have such a strong physical response, I cant do anything and just have to comfort her immediately. She is 5 months old and is always easily consoled so I am always able to comfort her.
My grandmother told me that babies need to cry sometimes (don't believe this) and a friend of mine was suprised I couldn't just tune it out (she also has a baby of a similar age).
To keep my baby happy I am now a sling-wearing/co-sleeping/ebf mother which I never really planned to be, but I just cant stand my baby being unhappy.
I am totally crazy arent I?

You don't sound crazy as such. You sound like me when I had my child child and they were under 6 months old.

How times changed..

My first child that was meant to say

I remember being with my DSis and her baby at a clinic (didn't have any DCs of my own then) and a woman was there with her baby, which started to cry.

I found that baby's cry extremely unpleasant. It made me stressed and cross ( I found myself thinking "For goodness' sake, shut that baby up!" rather than "aaaah..."). I mentioned it to my sister and she said she felt the same. We both felt that DNiece had a much nicer cry. We concluded that you love your own baby so much that its cry arouses your love and compassion, rather than your irritation. (I was living with my sisterr at the time so was closer to my Niece than most aunties are.)

I still find that when a baby does that newborn hungry screaming in a supermarket I am all on edge thinking "FGS feed your poor bloody baby!" even though I know there's sod all you can do about it in a supermarket, you just have to whiz round as quick as you can. But the screaming makes me almost angry.

Not sure what I am trying to say here actually . . .

I thought/felt the same with DC1. Then I had DC2 and it wasn't always possible to pick him up immediately - eg if dealing with potty training DC1. Of the two, he is now the more relaxed, contented and easy going child. Personality? The fact he learned to amuse himself? Who knows? Do what's best for you and your family, but don't judge others until you've walked in their shoes...

alpaca

read what I posted. I didn't label op neurotic. I said "if you want to avoid BECOMING neurotic"

don't twist my words please

OP, I agree with you, I think lots of posters have misunderstood your point.

Of course there are many situations where a parent can't respond to their crying baby eg twins, other children, shattered, and also sometimes a baby won't stop crying whatever you do eg colic. And sometimes babies grumble eg when tired and some babies are better left to settle when they grumble. And sometimes you are really shattered and feel overwhelmed and don't respond as you normally would. All that I understand.

But when I can do something to alleviate a full-on cry from my baby I feel that I must- I have a strong physical reaction that I feel I can't ignore. It kind of feels as if I am physically in pain.

I find it very, very strange and worrying when a baby is full-on screaming and their parent says cheerfully "oh, it is probably their nappy, I will check when I've finished my coffee", or just blanks them whilst they cry and continues their conversation.

It is very strange- I am sure they wouldn't ignore a friend or their partner if they were distressed or trying to get their attention- so why their baby?

OP I can relate,
I have had 4 babies in 6 years, no twins, just fairly small gaps. I have never left any of them to cry, neither has DH.
I get very anxious when they cry, I feel sick, I have actually been sick during some of the worse moments of colic, and general illness making them miserable. Its just as strong with DC4 (now 6 months) as it was with DC1. My friends think I am crazy, i probably am but i would rather pick them up/comfort them, for them and for me. It takes a moment to pick one up, so if the baby was upset i would pick her up and then carry on with answering the door or whatever else. And i don't mind if dinner is 5 minutes late either tbh.
Its easier as they get a bit older, say 18 months when you can explain things to them or their 'upset' is a little more rational and you can comfort them without picking them up, or pre-empt it so it doesn't occur.

I know i sound like a wet lettuce, I'm not usually, but my dc crying (or any dc crying come to that) does something to my head and i cant do anything else until they are happy again - they have made me mush damn it!!

Not read all the replies but attending to your baby everytime she's upset will not make her clingy. Reseat actually backs up the opposite so please do t worry about that.

Don't feel neurotic.

Are you on any attachment parenting pages? It might make you feel better chatting with like minded mums

Nurshable blog good too.

I found this extreme reaction my DS crying as a baby and again would have always assumed I'd be the other end of the scale. I was going to be the mum who had him sleep trained straight away and any crying wouldn't be an issue.

I remember once when DS was about 6 months old running across the lounge and snatching him off DH because he'd bumped himself on something and was screaming. It was a complete instinctive reaction and I couldn't control it as awful as I was doing that to poor DH. And leaving him to cry gave me physical pain in my chest. How I would have coped with more than 1 I don't know - I probably would have been extremely anxious.

Once DS started tantruming and screaming rather than needing comfort as much the pain stopped and I was able to be more detached.

CobbOnn - not weak at all.

For setting boundaries/limits effectively but with empathy check out Aha Parenting and Janet Lansbury

Quote:

CobbOnn Sun 09-Nov-14 12:54:56
I am exactly the same. Except that I saw it as a sign of my own weakness that I cave so quickly and do anything to stop the crying. I sort of envied people who would tolerate a bit of crying, or even full on sleep train, to get results. This thread has helped me see that there is a spectrum of how we react to the crying. However I am still worried that I am a wek parent- that I won't be able to discipline or teach my child rules, right and wrong etc.

Interestingly, I stopped bf about a month ago. LO is 12 months and a very happy chappy, im back at work. Not sure which is most important here, but my overwhelming physical response to his crying has decreased in intensity. I still get stressed, but not to the extent I was when he was 5 months old.

Thanks all, yes I do think some posters have misunderstood what I was trying to say, perhaps I should have phrased it better.
It is a physical response, doesnt really feel in my control. If someone tries to have a conversation with me when dd is crying I literally cant string a sentence together pr concentrate on what they are saying to respond.

Hiccup girl - just like you I thought I would be so different.

But OP, just because some parents don't respond immediately to the baby's cries it doesn't mean that they don't have that strong reaction you are referring to. They may be thinking of the greater good and giving the baby chance to self soothe, as eventually that is what they need to be able to do. You sound judgy and that your reaction is much stronger than others, sort of like you need congratulating for being so attentive when others fail.

Responding immediately will of always work unless it is a definite issue you can fix. Jumping at the first sound of a cry will make your baby clingy, crying is not always distress it's simply communication. There are conflicting views in this - this is my opinion, I know the counter argument before anyone tries to tell me. Obviously, don't leave babies screaming for ages, but a few minutes when you know they are ok is fine. Even with that overwhelming urge to pick them up.

Some people have no choice - stop being smug that you do have a choice.

I think you need to understand that people parent differently and that co sleeping, slings and not allowing your baby to self sooth are as legitimate as not doing these things.

You don't love your baby any more than anyone else op it's just all people parent differently.

I am struggling to understand why you can't understand this?

There is no right or wrong way it's just preference and fashion.

I don't find your response to your baby weird at all op. I would skitter about like a cat on a hot tin roof trying to get to the baby when the twins where tiny. It was crap when I couldn't, and they fell asleep in the pram at the bottom of the stairs. It felt like the worst kind of itch and afterwards I'd feel traumatised... much more than whoever had been giving out! But, as time went on the response lessened, along with the babies crying much less if they were tired, before just dropping off. I stopped going to a particular baby social cos one of the mums there had had a surprise baby almost immediately after her pfb. The poor little girl was actually a bag of bones as her mum really took the piss doing everything but pick her up and feed her. It was awful, and I reported her to ss who had to step in and help her to bond with her dd.

My SIL had a much lesser response to her dcs, but I didn't see the first months of their first baby as they live far away. By baby three she was extremely blase, and would get entirely ready in the morning, shower and everything before feeding the baby it suited her, and them, but drove me quietly nuts.

And apart from tired crying, I personally think, hop the fuck to it and comfort the bairn, it makes for a much more secure child and adult in the long run. There's enough shit to practise and develop one's stress response and coping mechanisms without deliberately introducing things....

My DS is very much like yours museumum I have a choice of leaving him to cry for 5 minuites or end up trying to soothe him for 30mins+. Putting him down is the best option for both of us. My MIL used to judge me for doing this, but a few nights round hers made her realise the error of her ways

Can I ask a stupid question? How do you know it's tired crying? And his does it help you if you do recognise it as such? If I put my DS (2 weeks old) down when he's awake he will cry. I have to wait until he's asleep (generally on my boob) and then transfer him - is that wrong?

Noone is saying that anyone else is neglecting their DC at allor being smug.
We all feel differently.

It was unpleasant to feel like this, really like nothing I have ever experienced in my life and I certainly was not prepared for it in anyway.

I was made to feel like a dim over anxious mother when there was nothing I could do about it.
I dread to think what would have happened if I hadnt told my HV I would have been miserable and doubting myself.
Those words "this is normal, dear" changed things for me and I still thing of her fondly.
I ignored the "rod for your own back" " feeding again"
"youll spoil that baby" and yes the classic " wait til you have another " bullshit and did what I instinctively knew was best.
God it was such a relief and MIL later admitted to me that she could see it was better for me but was repeating what she had been told.

One day she actually said " you are so lucky ,you can pick up your baby when you like " and we get on great now .

I coped much better second and third time round and found it easy to just sling the baby and it was easy to deal with toddlers, home etc.
I have BF in supermarket queues ( you wouldn't have guessed) and anywhere and everywhere.

I still think neurotic is an unpleasant and unfair word to use Zing
It didn't make me neurotic at all.
The intensity of it faded as I BF less ,so I am convinced it was hormonal.

Not wrong at all splendide
Mine were like this and were great sleepers !
Around 6 months they went for naps in their cot and none of them liked being rocked or jiggled to get to sleep.
They would have a "chat" to themselves or a grizzle and then konk out.

Depends on how many babies you have. I have DT's and from the multiples club know 2 other people with DT's and one with trips. Sometimes you have no choice but one (or two in my friends case) crying. All learned pretty quickly to self sooth at times.

I know exactly what you mean about the physical response OP.

I'm 48, my DDs are 23 and 20 and if I'm out somewhere and hear a young baby cry I still get a physical response. My nipples tingle and I get a churning stomach.

I never left my 2 to cry because I just couldn't. I too wonder how others can, but having read this thread, I now understand some people don't get this very physical reaction.

Don't worry that you will make your baby clingy - you won't!

I am the same as you, I cannot listen to it - obviously there will be occasions where it will be unavoidable but I respond as fast as I can. My Mum had 6 of us and she was the same, and as the second eldest I can remember virtually no crying throughout my childhood, obviously there were no issues such as reflux etc. though, so don't worry that you couldn't have another when feeling like this!

YABU, but in a sweet, sentimental sort of way

I was the complete opposite to you when dd was tiny, OP. The thought of sling-wearing, co-sleeping and ebf makes me shudder. I have many mum friends who did AP (or aspects of it) and it absolutely wasn't for me. I find nothing appealing about AP at all.

People parent differently. It's just how it is. I think you're a bit crackers for wanting to wear your baby and have it bed with you, but you'd have thought me crackers and really mean for continuing to take my time in the bath, despite dd crying It goes with the territory. There is no right or wrong - just whatever's right for you and yours. That's what's important to understand at the end of the day.