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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that just because you work long hours and have a sahp at home

88 replies

3boys40 · 07/11/2014 14:59

doesn't mean you can skive off parenting when home. So we have 3dc 10,8 and 2. The 8 year old has some mild sen. I am part time seasonal self employed but not currently working.
dh hasn't done a single bedtime since ds3 was born. (well apart from when I went away on a conference.)
He does some scout and cub runs but most of it falls to me. He never tidies kitchen or cooks during the week which is fine.
However, a couple of recent events really pissed me off.
Ds2 is currents on meds for impactation. He has been wearing pull ups as we are trying to clear backed up poo (sorry tmi)
I had just changed ds2 earlier and ds3 also needed changing. I changed ds3 and put him to bed before leaving to up ds1 from scouts. Dh commented that he thought ds 2 needed changing. I did pick up and came home to find that ds2 did need changing. I thought it was just the smell of ds3. When I changed him the flood gates literally opened. The floor was covered, I was covered and dh response was to piss off to bed.
Two days later I was at a parrnts evening and came home to discover ds3 still up wearing a soiled nappy. He claims how easy ds3 is to look after now. He does a couple of hours at the weekend when I am out with older two. Well it would be if you cba to change him.
aibu

OP posts:

youareallbonkers · 07/11/2014 15:05

Do you pitch in with his job? Motherhood (yes not parenthood) is a full time job 24\7 don't do it if you aren't prepared to put in the hours

Littlef00t · 07/11/2014 15:06

Equal leisure time, so as soon as he's home he should be getting stuck in. And obviously parenting properly when left in charge.

I would start saying 'I need you to do x while I do y'. No 'do you mind' or 'could you possibly...'.

cheesecakemom · 07/11/2014 15:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

charlie0123 · 07/11/2014 15:09

Wow that was helpful. Op - I believe your husband should be helping you out at home yes. Especially awful to leave a child in a soiled nappy. If it's that easy I would be going out for the day and leaving him to it.

SDTGisASpookyWoooolefGenius · 07/11/2014 15:11

Parenthood is a full time job for both parents, youareallbonkers! There is nothing wrong with expecting the parent who works outside the home to pitch in with childcare and housework when they are at home - nothing whatsoever!! Unless you still live in the 1950s, of course.

And even if the WOHP usually does nothing, they ought, at the very least, to pitch in when there is a poonami emergency - not just bugger off to bed!

My dh has alway sbeen very hands on with the children - he worked long hours and commuted, but he still did his share of bedtimes, playing, taking the boys out on his own or with me, getting up in the night, dealing with wee, poo, vomit etc - and as a result, he has an excellent relationship with the boys.

I am glad I am married to an evolved man.

WooWooOwl · 07/11/2014 15:12

I think it's fair that you do the vast majority of the childcare and household stuff, but for a parent not to even change their own child's nappy when they need it, or to leave you in a mess when you could do with help, that's just lazy and selfish.

Your DH is out of order.

NickiFury · 07/11/2014 15:13

She doesn't need to pitch in with his job, she's already doing hers while he is doing hers. When he comes home, her job does not continue indefinitely while he gets to relax surely? I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here youareallbonkers because I can't believe any one could be so dim as your post makes you sound.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 07/11/2014 15:14

youareallbonkers the 1950s called. They want you back.

OP YANBU Being male and working full time does not absolve him from any parenting whatsoever, even more so when a child's nappy needs changing. Apart from money does he contribute anything at all to your relationship/the family/the household?

NickiFury · 07/11/2014 15:15

While he is doing HIS

hmc · 07/11/2014 15:16

I am approving of how we are all ignoring the crazy who posted the second post

youareallbonkers · 07/11/2014 15:17

Do you pitch in with his job? Motherhood (yes not parenthood) is a full time job 24\7 don't do it if you aren't prepared to put in the hours

hmc · 07/11/2014 15:17

Well, we were

NickiFury · 07/11/2014 15:19

It doesn't get better with repetition.

PausingFlatly · 07/11/2014 15:20

Don't have sex if you don't want to look after your chldren.

There, fixed that for you youreareallbonkers.

Pagwatch · 07/11/2014 15:28

Oh youareallbonkers, that is an awful pile of horseshit you know.
Saying it twice just makes it twice as dumb.

curlyweasel · 07/11/2014 15:29

Oh, youareall... what a joy you are to have around.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 07/11/2014 15:30

I do think that the SAHP should do the majority of cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids because that is the job description. And lets be completelt honest, leaving at 7am to commute to work, working all day and then getting in 5/6/7pm just is not the same as being at home looking after kids, taking them to classes, going on play dates Mumsnetting etc.

Having said that, obviously its not out of the question for the WOHP to help with some things eg. Sometimes doing bedtimes, looking after kids for a bit at the weekends, changing dirty nappies and things like that. Your DH does sound a bit rubbish OP!

Writerwannabe83 · 07/11/2014 15:33

YADNBU!!!

When my DH gets in from work he cooks the dinner and then takes DS off me for an hour so I can have a soak in a hot bath. DH will then get DS ready for bed (after we have both bathed him) and then he'll go downstairs and do the washing up whilst I'm doing the bedtime feed.

Your DH sounds pretty selfish and lazy

firesidechat · 07/11/2014 15:34

Do you pitch in with his job? Motherhood (yes not parenthood) is a full time job 24\7 don't do it if you aren't prepared to put in the hour

I was just going to say that you get one post like this on every thread and you never hear from that poster again. They just chuck in their little hand grenade and vanish. Not in this case though . We have the pleasure of their well thought out advice twice. Lucky us.

Pagwatch · 07/11/2014 15:35

Ofgs - do people really sit there imagining that a dp putting their own child to bed or changing a nappy is too much?
If my DH thought that sitting with his own child was too burdensome to contemplate then I would know I had chosen a dickhead.

RufusTheReindeer · 07/11/2014 15:36

Although I don't do all the house hold work ( cos I am lazy) I think that the SAHP does as much as possible during the day and that work is shared once the working partner is home

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 07/11/2014 15:37

Wowzers, where can I get one like that from?

curlyweasel · 07/11/2014 15:41

When I get home from work I like to get a beer out of the fridge and try to ignore the kids because I've been at work all day. It's ace being a parent.

Writerwannabe83 · 07/11/2014 15:42

never - he's far from perfect!! He has plenty of faults but thankfully when it comes to DS he is very hands in. I also get child free time at the weekend as either DS will take him out to give me a break, or I will go out whilst DH stays at home with DS.

MyGhostIsFlummoxed · 07/11/2014 15:44

On the flip side, I'm a SAHP (recent became so) with a 2 year old & a 4 year old (started school in September). DH gets in at 6:30 ish and I NEED him to take over childcare once he walks in the door. AIBU to expect this?

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