to think that just because you work long hours and have a sahp at home

[3boys40]

doesn't mean you can skive off parenting when home. So we have 3dc 10,8 and 2. The 8 year old has some mild sen. I am part time seasonal self employed but not currently working.
dh hasn't done a single bedtime since ds3 was born. (well apart from when I went away on a conference.)
He does some scout and cub runs but most of it falls to me. He never tidies kitchen or cooks during the week which is fine.
However, a couple of recent events really pissed me off.
Ds2 is currents on meds for impactation. He has been wearing pull ups as we are trying to clear backed up poo (sorry tmi)
I had just changed ds2 earlier and ds3 also needed changing. I changed ds3 and put him to bed before leaving to up ds1 from scouts. Dh commented that he thought ds 2 needed changing. I did pick up and came home to find that ds2 did need changing. I thought it was just the smell of ds3. When I changed him the flood gates literally opened. The floor was covered, I was covered and dh response was to piss off to bed.
Two days later I was at a parrnts evening and came home to discover ds3 still up wearing a soiled nappy. He claims how easy ds3 is to look after now. He does a couple of hours at the weekend when I am out with older two. Well it would be if you cba to change him.
aibu

Well, I think you both need to work as a team when the WOHP comes home, so YANBU OP.

Nope - I clock watch with regards to DH getting home from work because I can't wait to hand DS over and have a break!!!

YANBU

My dh used to work long hours too, but he would never have left any of them in soiled nappies, I bet the poor kids bum was red raw.
Get him told OP.
I do agree that a sahp should do the lions share, of course.
But to offer no help and go to bed when he could see you struggling is not on. It couldn't have been too late neither if you had just done a pick up.

I don't know, I would be pissed off if I was out at work all day and the second I walked in the door DH handed the kids (3 and 8 months) over to me and wanted me to cook dinner while he just sat down.

I know that I wouldn't want to do that so I don't expect it off him!

YANBU op, he need to wise up.

Your DH is being a lazy fucker. DH would never comment that DS needed to be changed, he would just bloody do it.

Start being more vocal for a start!

'You know where the nappies are'
'Why didn't you change the DS3?'
'Oi, get back here and help me clean this, arsehole'

They are his children too.

Just to clarify, my DH certainly does help in the evenings, but I cook dinner and clear up and I usually do bedtime as well as then making bottles etc. plus other things i have done in the day.

However, I do go out to the gym 1 or 2 nights a week and we both have time at the weekend to do our own thing.

I guess I just think about what I would be prepared to do if it was me out at work all day (which definiteky would include things like changing a frigging nappy!) and that is what I expect of DH.

There's a difference between a SAHP doing the majority of the parenting and housework, and the other partner doing nothing.

He should be taking a long hard look at himself if his idea of being a good father and husband is telling his wife that their child has a nappy that needs changing, whilst she is fully occupied sorting out the nappy of the other child.

DH tried this for a bit - to be fair he wouldn't leave DS with a nappy for a long time, but once I went out for a very short while and DS had a bit of the runs. I went ballistic when I came back and discovered he hadn't changed the nappy even though there was a clear smell of poo, his logic was that I had changed it just before I went.

OP you need to spell it out very clearly to him. "DH when you are looking after DS3 you need to check every hour or so to see if his nappy needs changing." When he kindly pointed out that his own child required attention "DH I'm busy with DS2 just now, would you change him please."

You shouldn't have to spell this out to him but at least give it a go and see if he can pick up a bit more.

I think the balance between what a the WOHP does and doesn't do when the other is a SAHP is a matter of whatever works for the family in question.

HOWEVER, to think that the WOHP should have to be asked to pitch in with normal day to day things like sorting the kids for bed, or taking them to and from clubs, or the cooking/washing up is just ridiculous! As for not being prepared to change a nappy, well that is just taking the piss.

And lets not forget that the WOHP relies on the SAHP to even be able to go to work and bring home the money that they do so lets get out of the mindset that the 'non working' parent is taking the piss by expecting the 'working' one to chip in.

I think my DH sees his job as being 8 hours a day whereas mine is 24 hours a day. He is still very social, gets to go out a lot whereas I don't and so wants to help out as much as he can so I don't feel that my life is nothing but caring for DS. He also knows that I'm up every 2-3 hours during the night whilst he sleeps peacefully in the spare room.

If anyone asked my DH who had it hardest he would definitely say that I do. He knows what very little impact DS has had in terms of his life having to change in comparison to the huge impact it's had on my life.

That's why DH is so hands on with childcare and doing things in the house to help out : it kind of redresses the balance.

To clarify, I usually just need DH to look after the boys while I hide have a cup of tea upstairs. Then he'll put the boys to bed & I'll cook dinner. The boys go upstairs at 7pm so it's not like he does it for hours whilst I do nothing. But I've usually been on the go since 6am without a break whereas he has a 30-60 minute drive each way, which he admits he does enjoy, plus a lunch hour so I figure I deserve that 1/2 hour at least.

I think it rather depends on the hours of the working parent. Many people round here work in public sector jobs and do 8 till 4. If someone's home by 4.30 then by jove they should be pitching in. There's a whole day ahead of you!

Otoh if someone is commuting and getting home at 8.30 or 9 (that would be dh) then I can't really think it's reasonable to be handing over a list of jobs the minute they walk in the door.

I'm on another thread at the moment where a SAHM is angry at her dh for not doing much more, and I just can't be sympathetic. If I were commuting and working very long hours, I'd be spending as much time as I could with the dcs when I got home, but I couldn't see that it would be my job to get the Hoover out at 9pm.

Being a SAHM can be boring, soul-destroying, even - but frankly there is time in the day to do the housework, even if you can't be arsed.

leaving at 7am to commute to work, working all day and then getting in 5/6/7pm just is not the same as being at home looking after kids, taking them to classes, going on play dates Mumsnetting etc.

You're right it's not the same, in most jobs working is a bloody nice rest if babies or toddlers are the alternative, especially if it involves a lovely long train commute with coffee.

What's with the weirdy comments on this thread?

Why would on earth would someone think "public sector job" = "no commuting"?

I agree with calpol - I'm jealous of my DH getting to go to work every day. I would love to have some time to myself.

I said "round here" where there are some big public sector employers and where employees can finish "early". Most people "round here" have at most a 20 minute journey to work.

I work long hours and DH does almost all of the housework. However, I think leaving them in a pooey nappy is too much. I also do bedtime a couple of times a week.

Calpol- come on, this isn't a competition as to 'who has it hardest'. Broadly speaking, on e parents role is in the home, ythe others is out. These do crossover and you support each other but I work bloody hard and am exhausted when I get home, certainly not relaxing and chatting on a train.

The absolute bare minimum in my book is for people what they would have to if they didn't have a family. He would have to cook, he would have to clean up, he would have to clean a toilet or a kitchen, wouldn't he? If his house was covered in shit, he would clean it, wouldn't he?

It makes me utterly depressed when men (not always but frequently) think that along with a wife and a mother to their children, they received a PA, cleaner, cook, taxi driver and au pair. They do LESS than they did before family. LESS.

Equal time off. Including lunch breaks and toilet breaks

The absolute bare minimum in my book is for people what they would have to if they didn't have a family. He would have to cook, he would have to clean up, he would have to clean a toilet or a kitchen, wouldn't he? If his house was covered in shit, he would clean it, wouldn't he?

Well yes, but, as I have learnt in the last 3 years, if there are 2 small people plus adults there is a hell of a lot more cleaning, cooking, washing etc!

Interestingly, I have been married to my DH for 5 years and he still does his own laundry - people think we are weird!

Just realised that my last post has the most inappropriate use of the word 'interestingly' ever seen!

And surely the etiquette is always to pitch in when there's been a nuclear poosplosion and you're a free pair of hands?

Yes definitely! In the early days (we are both dab hands now!) if you heard a shout of POOMAGEDDON come from upstairs, then you immediately dropped everything to go upstairs and assist!

nuclear poosplosion? POOMAGEDDON? What is wrong with you? It's poonami.

YANBU op, what kind of parent leaves their dc in a shitty nappy ?
And it is perfectly acceptable for the wohp to pitch in equally with sahp/ works pt parent.
I am the higher earner, but at home its equal housework / dc stuff.

uhuh well I an a WOHM and Dp is a SAHD and I change nappies...