to be in tears about the mess I am in at work.

[Vintagecrap]

It's just a horrible situation and I have never worked anywhere like it before, I don't know where to go from here.

I fell out with a team member A in august. I was told by team member B that A had been slagging me off for days regarding some work a manager had asked me to complete. A had also been published in a magazine as saying the work I had to do was his idea originally, which it wasn't.

I was under a lot of pressure to get the job done, it's part of a second role I do and a committee I am part of. The committee was also angry that A had taken credit, we chatted about it via group emails buy decided it was best to just drop it.

So it was dropped. A refuses to speak to me. B kept telling me things that he was saying about me. I spoke to my manager and was told I was doing the right thing and to just ignore it.

Fast forward an awkward few months and I get told by B that A and a group of his friends were saying things about my child, which were so bad, they could have ended up getting me in trouble with social services. I get very cross and shout at everyone. I am then made to apologise for doing so. They said they didn't say it and I am told I have to accept it. B is insistent that they did.

My manager finally sits down with me and A yesterday. He had been telling me he wanted A out of them team and things were being put in place to make that happen. Except I get into the meeting to find he is more on A's side.

I also find put that B has been saying things to A that I have said that are not true, and vice versa. That C has also been involved.

Then I find out that someone from within the small committee, has been forwarding on a lot of committee only emails , where A's friend has been mentioned as she isn't doing her role correctly and it is hampering what we do. It turns out everyone had known this for a while and last weekend the whole business was aware I had been party of a moan and discussion about it, but of course it has been twisted to be thar I had been slagging people off and that those people were going to have a go at me and the whole team I work with have been gossiping about it.

I told the committee who are furious about it. One member has now quit. The one who did it denied it then said it wasn't a big deal. The other members want to kick him out.

And I am sat in the middle of the whole sorry lot.

I feel so betrayed by so many people. I called my manager to say I think I need to move teams as I don't think I can work with these people.

I can't stop crying about the whole thing and don't really know what to do.

Also. I was happy to draw a line under the whole thing and move on.

At the last second A said he was not.

The manager was flummoxed. Asked why and A said he was unhappy with everything. Manager said this meeting wasn't about everything but was about things with me and A said he just doesn't care about any of it.

He then brings up this rabbit thing, not in full info but just that someone said to him that I said he is known for gossip. And that he thinks that whenever he spends time with C that I will think they are talking about me.

This is never anything I gave mentioned to anyone. It's not an issue and never has been. My manager says it's him trying to keep control of the situation by creating things that aren't there to keep the whole thing running.

I have never been in this position at work before. I think I am unlikely to again all you can do is learn from it and move on - you can't turn back time.

FWIW I think everyone has something they would do differently with hindsight. There is nothing worse than a lack of trust among colleagues either - it's horrbile not being able to make an off-the-cuff comment without worrying who will report it back, how it will be construed etc. But you know now what kind of place it is.

I remember learning very early on how people could misconstrue things or twist things to suit an agenda. In my first proper job, I discovered I had a knack for a particular thing and I managed to make lots of progress on a project. I was given a payrise and made the mistake of mentioning it to people (foolishly believing in transparency!). Little comments started to filter back..."only got the payrise as she's from same town as the boss"..."face fits"..."support same football team"... I knew it was rubbish. I knew I'd worked flipping hard. But it was a lesson that I learned early on. I kept anything like payrises, apparaisal outcomes on a strictly need to know basis.

To channel Kate Moss "never explain, never complain".

Sorry me again.

My manager says it's him trying to keep control of the situation by creating things that aren't there to keep the whole thing running

IGNORE this manager. You know his actions and words don't match:

My manager finally sits down with me and A yesterday. He had been telling me he wanted A out of them team and things were being put in place to make that happen. Except I get into the meeting to find he is more on A's side

My manager then told me that A was toxic and it would be being dealt with

Don't have any more "off the record" chats with your manager about A. Your manager is as bad as everyone else! No wonder this whole situation is a mess.

Who does this company keep going when it is staffed mainly by 5 yr olds.

B is a shit stirrer and this would have blown over months ago if they'd kept their mouth shut. All this he said/she said bollocks annoys me no end. Don't you have an hr depth.

Well yes. People using things to their own agenda.

Like the committee emails. Nothing bad was said. It's all really dull stuff. At end someone raises a gripe.says it had happened before. I say yeah when A got credit..someone else says they can't believe C has done it again. .I come up with a way forward to solve the problem. Everyone agrees. Conversations over. Except someone thought they would send it to C as he ' thought it would be a laugh' worse is when I said I wouldn't be actioning it as things were frosty between me and C As it was. So as far as I can see I was professional.

C got sent it then showed it to A. A got very angry because he was mentioned ( and others had referenced it too) but he has no issue with them. Instead he goes round telling my whole team that I was slagging him off in an email and how out of order I was and turns the team against me. I had no idea this had happened at all.
My manager has seen the emails and has said there is nothing bad in there. It is people using just anything to fit their own agenda.

Oh no poor you. It sounds as though A is bullying you, and B is a shit stirrer. I would log a grievence both A and B. Good luck

The manager is my manager. He is not experienced. I feel for him as I would have no idea where to start sorting this mess out.

There has become a culture in the team for this. He thinks if he moves A then hopefully in time it will improve.

All chats have been off the record so far but he said there is going to come a point where management will gave to deal with this and raise it as there are only so many talks and trying to solve it you can do and if people are talking no notice then there isn't much choice.

I did say on Thursday that it would have all blown over if other people didn't keep string things. But again that seems to be the culture of the team.

I was unaware it was as bad as what it clearly is and will now watch what I say to everyone in the future.

It's kind of you to feel sorry for your manager but he is adding to this, not sorting it out. He shouldn't be telling you ANY of his views around A. If I was you, I would be wondering if he has the same chats with A about you!

Good luck going forwards!

I have already wondered the same.

I think, all I can do is go with what he says. I didn't know it was as bad as it is. I do now, so off the cuff remarks etc will no longer be said. I'm very surprised and shocked but it does seem like people have their own agenda and will use whatever they can to their own means.
I shall just be wary of that in future.

I wouldn't be having any 'off the record' chats with your manager either, as they haven't helped. How old are these people as it seems like high school and not a business.

All under 28.

I'm the only older one at 36.

The one that told A I had said it was likely to be untrue about the rabbit thing is just 19.

And, personally, I think that is why it is so like playground stuff as many of them are still kids. Without sounding like a cow about it.... only 3 of my team live out of home. One is older than me but very very part time. The other is 31 I think but is very immature and her boyfriend is 19..

Can you go above your manager's head? I can't see where you've mentioned HR's opinion on this or whether there is an union. Your manager is being incredibly unprofessional. This should all have been escalated and dealt with through the company complaints, grievance and warnings procedure. Nothing has changed because your manager is incompetent too.

You have to start formalising everything even if no-one else is doing so. If your manager has a chat with you send an email afterwards noting the decisions made. If your manager is just gossiping then don't get involved. Your only concern here should be to safeguard your own professional reputation.

O have been assured by my manager that his manager and then his manager are on side and are sorting it out.
I totally believed this until the meeting on Thursday.

In the phone call from my manager yesterday he told me he spoke to both after the meeting and it is going ahead to move A to another team. The whole team will get told off too and his manager is goung to sit in on it. ( this was my idea as I said raking everything up is only going to cause more resentment and issues at a time where it's really important we should be working together.

I want to safeguard my professional reputation and have already said that I am unhappy that my name is going to come up. It's probably why I just detail checked with the rabbit thing. Also the guy has been reporting for months to my manager and his manager that A is bullying him and it was evidence of that too.

My manager has been aware of this from when it first started back in August. So, it has been allowed to just rumble on. He said he had hoped it would die out on its own but instead it seems to have got worse.. There is no Hr only one at head office. They have not been contacted as yet. They are unaware.

I can see you don't want to rock the boat too much and it's horrible to feel isolated at work.

If it was me, I'd send your manager an email just confirming the main and actionable points of your chat yesterday eg Thank you for your call yesterday and for confirming the steps being taken to address the ongoing issue within the team. Namely, full team meeting with your manager in attendance to resolve any outstanding issues and the restructuring of the team by x date. I would also appreciate if the matter can be brought to the attention of HR and if they can offer some input into rebuilding team morale, formalising working relationships and ongoing monitoring to ensure the situation does not recur and to help the team to move on.

B is what my mother would call a 'bullet maker', she's been making the bullets and sadly you've been firing them.

I have. I had no idea and I said to my manager I feel like I have been taken for a total fool.

In a bid to prove the whole thing with my child was wrong, I even trawled through my phone for texts and photos to give proof I wasn't doing what was being said at the time they were saying. Like a total idiot. I thought because she was the one that alerted me that there was no way she could have been part of it.

I would like to send that email. However, I don't have an email that is solely mine. Others would be able to access it and see it has been sent. That isn't going to help at all either.

For God's sake, stop engaging with such obvious stirring and bullying. If someone starts telling you an unkind story about someone else, be non-committal. Don't give responses, don't go running off checking facts or even telling tales to the person being spoken about. I think deleting off Facebook is a good idea, and I agree with others you should avoid B. See how she is digging around to find out what's going on?

And...

I haven't been part of it though - You HAVE! You've given at least three examples on this thread of inappropriate behaviour and no matter how inappropriately your colleagues act, the only behaviour you can control is your own - that is what should be your focus - what YOU have done.

With knobs on. Seriously. Time to stop. Learn a lesson from this and move on.

If I hadn't had said anything about the rabbit thing, then it might have been seen that I was going along with it, which I wasn't. Since there is an ongoing issue with A being accused of bullying this guy then I didn't want to be part of that.

Also, the email wasn't inappropriate. Management have seen it, there was nothing wrong with it.

Why do you need to prove the allegation about your child, it has nothing to do with your job and SS aren't involved?

Sorry disprove.
Would it be possible to take a weeks leave, you sound like you needs some space mentally.

If I hadn't had said anything about the rabbit thing, then it might have been seen that I was going along with it, which I wasn't

I get that. But, you said earlier in the thread A walks off and I say it's unlikely to be true as A is known for gossip - that makes it sound like as soon as A walked away tyou called him a liar. You see it as "not going along with it" - other people will see it as going along with it in front of A and then slagging him off when he walks away.

No-one's saying you needed to stand up and say "Actually A, I think that is very unlikley to have happened" as we all know it isn't always that easy. But if you weren't going to say anything to him directly, waiting until he'd walked away, then saying you doubted his version of events as he is known for gossip makes you look like the bad guy in this. In most workplaces, a wry eyebrow raise would be fine, but your workplace is obviously not like that - people run back and tell tales so its either say nothing derogatory or ensure you're speaking to the person you're speaking about.

Would it be possible to take a weeks leave, you sound like you needs some space mentally.

This would be an excellent idea. Can you take some annual leave and then return with a fresh head for a new start where you don't engage in any of this and only deal with colleagues professionally.

I already had Sunday off.

This has been going on since August so it's possible I am very worn down by it all.

I guess I feel like I have to prove things sometimes. I had an emotionally abusive ex husband who would lie and say that black was white. Sometimes having the facts to back me up are important to stop me getting very very upset.

I get what you are saying with A. Until thur I didn't realise how bad the place was. I thought I was doing the right thing by showing I wasn't part of it and walking away. To be honest I still think if I had said nothing that the very same people are likely to have gone and told this guy I was laughing at him.

I know that one of the guys who told A was spreading round the whole top office that I had been slagging A off in emails. Which isn't true. The management have seen the emails and said there is no slagging off in them.