to be in tears about the mess I am in at work.

[Vintagecrap]

It's just a horrible situation and I have never worked anywhere like it before, I don't know where to go from here.

I fell out with a team member A in august. I was told by team member B that A had been slagging me off for days regarding some work a manager had asked me to complete. A had also been published in a magazine as saying the work I had to do was his idea originally, which it wasn't.

I was under a lot of pressure to get the job done, it's part of a second role I do and a committee I am part of. The committee was also angry that A had taken credit, we chatted about it via group emails buy decided it was best to just drop it.

So it was dropped. A refuses to speak to me. B kept telling me things that he was saying about me. I spoke to my manager and was told I was doing the right thing and to just ignore it.

Fast forward an awkward few months and I get told by B that A and a group of his friends were saying things about my child, which were so bad, they could have ended up getting me in trouble with social services. I get very cross and shout at everyone. I am then made to apologise for doing so. They said they didn't say it and I am told I have to accept it. B is insistent that they did.

My manager finally sits down with me and A yesterday. He had been telling me he wanted A out of them team and things were being put in place to make that happen. Except I get into the meeting to find he is more on A's side.

I also find put that B has been saying things to A that I have said that are not true, and vice versa. That C has also been involved.

Then I find out that someone from within the small committee, has been forwarding on a lot of committee only emails , where A's friend has been mentioned as she isn't doing her role correctly and it is hampering what we do. It turns out everyone had known this for a while and last weekend the whole business was aware I had been party of a moan and discussion about it, but of course it has been twisted to be thar I had been slagging people off and that those people were going to have a go at me and the whole team I work with have been gossiping about it.

I told the committee who are furious about it. One member has now quit. The one who did it denied it then said it wasn't a big deal. The other members want to kick him out.

And I am sat in the middle of the whole sorry lot.

I feel so betrayed by so many people. I called my manager to say I think I need to move teams as I don't think I can work with these people.

I can't stop crying about the whole thing and don't really know what to do.

I also find put that B has been saying things to A that I have said that are not true, and vice versa then surely if anyone is at fault it is B? Why is A annoyed at you when you can both see B has been the stirrer and lying about you both?

Re the email thing...never ever put anything on an email you wouldn't say to someone's face. Once you've pressed send, it's not yours anymore. (I had an experience once where I sent an email to my boss saying how unhelpful a person had been at an external company and that I wanted his perspective on how to move forward - the emails went back and forth, a few other people internally were privvy to them and then for some reason, somebody (well meaning!) sent the email chain directly to the external person who replied to me directly - what I had said was basically right but I would have worded it a lot more diplomatcially had I anticpated that they would ever see it - valuable lesson).

I think there are problems which are endemic to your company and that in someway's it seems you're carrying the can for the blurring of protcols. I think you need to spearate the things you are bang to rights on:

• speaking agrressively to C (even if justified)
• the emails where a colleague was slated

You're going to have to cough to those. Accept what comes your way.

Regarding A and B I would fight any grievance from A as it is surely based on B lying about you? If you didn't say it, they can't prove you did can they?

ALso, your manager saying A was toxic? In my experience, managers will often see which way the wind is blowing and will try and soothe situations by telling people what they want to hear. Unless it's in a formal setting, take these kinds of "off the record conversations with a pinch of salt.

So many metaphors inthis post!

I agree Mary.

I don't blame you for quitting the committee OP. I do think I more or less had the gist of it apart from it being the work of the committee that C's write up credited to A.
I don't agree with you being told who you can be upset with and who not, particularly as the whole group seems to have been gossiping unkindly (to put it mildly) about your private life.
These people are far too invested in matters outside of work and of bitching.

If you move teams how much contact will you still have with them all? how easy is it going to be to avoid them?
I'd also completely stop sharing any information about your home life and situation.

The thing is, I hadn't shared any information about my home life, at the time it was said I hadn't spoken to those that started the gossip, for 2 months. It was just totally fabricated.

If I move teams I can go on to a different floor and my dealings with then become really minimal.

Just thought I would update.
Half the committee have quit in the aftermath of the drama. The one that forwarded on the emails is looking at displinary action from management. Management have seen the emails and are happy that no one was being slated as such but that a situation was being discussed along with a way to resolve it so it doesn't happen again.

A is being moved to a different team. They no longer care where, the words were ' we just have to get him out and we don't care what he does'

The rest of the team are going to be hauled over the coals and will be told this sort of behaviour is unacceptable and that if it happens again they too will be moved.

I deleted my immediate team off Facebook as I'm going to ensure a professional only stance. Goes against the grain of the whole company but for now it is best.

I did not go into work yesterday, citing stress and anxiety. I was called by my manager who went through the above plan and who was concerned I was now going to take it further.

Had a fb message from B asking if I was ok as I wasn't at work and our manager hadn't said I was ill. I have not replied and am not going to. People don't usually message people if they are off work, do I suspect that it's been noticed they have all been deleted from fb and that along with me not being in, means she is fishing for information. Not going to give it to her this time.

Sounds like they are fishing for info to me

Hope it all works out for you in the end vintagecrap you don't deserve any of this

Sounds positive, how do you feel now?

So is B still on your FB? Or did B just message you anyway?

How did B send you a fb message if you've deleted everyone from work?

But yes, ignore it.

You can still send messages to people unless you have blocked them, which I haven't I have just deleted.

I feel a little bit better now. Hopeful that it will be sorted.

Finally checked out some more lies that A tried to use against me in the meeting. He had said that I was still talking about him to other people and said that he gossips. At the time I couldn't remember. Now I remember I went into work one day and one of my team was laughing saying someone's rabbit had died and I was to ask A how as it was hysterical. A walled psst at that time and they asked him in front of me. A declared that this guy had been feeding the rabbit chicken korma..everyone disolves into stitches saying how stupid this guy is..A walks off and I say it's unlikely to be true as A is known for gossip.

The team then report this back to A that I .slagging him off
.A then tries to use this against me in the meeting we had saying I'm. Slagging him off to people.

Unbelievable.

Meanwhile the poor guy with the rabbit is upset and it isn't even dead. I wanted to check the facts with him. He said he had been wondering why people keep coming up to him and asking about his bunny.

It's so pathetic you couldn't make it up.

Oh fgs, what a bunch! Get yourself a new job, pronto. How can you work with such idiots?

I know.

It is so ridiculous.

That's the mentality of people. All this over stupid things like this. The while thing isn't over anything more, other than when they started rumours regarding my child.

OP I mean this in a kind way. I think the only way you can move on is by taking responsibility for the things YOU have done and saying "yes there's fault on both sides. I shouldn't have made those comments in the email, I shouldn't have spoken aggressively to C, I shouldn't have implied A was a liar after they walked away. I can see I acted inappropriately even though I felt I was provoked/justified but I'd like to draw a line and move on.

Many people seem to have acted badly here, but if you want to be taken seriously in this work place, you need to acknowledge your part and stop saying "well I DID do that but only because..."

From the sounds of it though, the quicker you can get out of there, the better.

It's not my fault either and I just feel really used by people.

Actually, I don't think you can quite say it isn't your fault at all. I can see you've been manipulated by B, and have got it in the neck from others, but I can also see you've been naive and have done far too much speaking about others yourself.

And as for:
Now I remember I went into work one day and one of my team was laughing saying someone's rabbit had died and I was to ask A how as it was hysterical. A walled psst at that time and they asked him in front of me. A declared that this guy had been feeding the rabbit chicken korma..everyone dissolves into stitches saying how stupid this guy is..A walks off and I say it's unlikely to be true as A is known for gossip.

The team then report this back to A that I slagging him off
.A then tries to use this against me in the meeting we had saying I'm. Slagging him off to people.

Meanwhile the poor guy with the rabbit is upset and it isn't even dead. I wanted to check the facts with him.

For God's sake, stop engaging with such obvious stirring and bullying. If someone starts telling you an unkind story about someone else, be non-committal. Don't give responses, don't go running off checking facts or even telling tales to the person being spoken about. I think deleting off Facebook is a good idea, and I agree with others you should avoid B. See how she is digging around to find out what's going on?

I would take the new changes as a clean start and as a wake up call to behave more professionally.
Whilst B may have been feeding you gossip, true or fake it doesn't matter, you should have been professional and shut it down immediately.
Hopefully you can see how a petty falling out can cause so much disruption to a work enviroment. I would be aiming to keep relationships purely proffesional from this point.

You said 'That's the mentality of people. All this over stupid things like this'
But were part of it too, it applies to you as well as them.

I didn't engage. I said it wasn't likely to be true and then walked away.

I didn't think anything of it and would have never mentioned it to the guy, had it not been used against me. A was using it as proof that I had issues with him.

I didn't check the facts till today. 4 days after the meeting and about 3 weeks after the event. And only because it had been used against Me.

With regard to the email where I was deemed to have been slagging someone off. What I actually put was in context of other members saying it wasn't fair and C hadn't done her job yet again. I said that now is a good time to iron out any kinks as she has a new manager who is very on side with our work so maybe we could talk to her about future reporting. That I wasn't happy to do it as things were frosty between me and C as she is A's best friend buy that I would be in support of it..

that is all I said. The committee then agreed and it was actioned. .

Maybe I am naive and should just say nothing to anything.

That last sentence was meant to read But you were part of it too.

Why are you still checking facts there is no need for it.
If you continue like this its going to be you having a disciplinary meeting.

I haven't been part of it though. There has been a ton of stuff going on that I have been unaware of because I have totally kept out of it.

My manager knows I have kept out of it since August when it first started.

I was checking as it was used against me.
To prove that I has issues with him and am slagging him off to other people.

Which I didn't do. I said it's unlikely to be true and then walked off.

Didn't think any more of it until thur when it was thrown in my face.

A walks off and I say it's unlikely to be true as A is known for gossip

is different from

I didn't engage. I said it wasn't likely to be true and then walked away

The first version sounds like you have called someone a liar after they walked away. Frankly I would be very annoyed by it.

I haven't been part of it though - You HAVE! You've given at least three examples on this thread of inappropriate behaviour and no matter how inappropriately your colleagues act, the only behaviour you can control is your own - that is what should be your focus - what YOU have done.

I feel like I'm getting at you. I'm really not. I just think you need to be aware of how other people can and will interpret things against you.

slagging him off to other people. Which I didn't do. I said it's unlikely to be true and then walked off really?

You said on this thread "A walks off and I say it's unlikely to be true as A is known for gossip "

Can you really not see how offesnive that is?

OP, you've had a really, really rough time at work, and it must have been horrible for you. Understandably, you are still raw and upset that you've had to go through all this. We all tend to go over and over and over the ground when we're in a situation like that - it's totally natural to want to investigate how on earth things got so bad.

But you need to focus on the future now, and that means detaching from this whole situation (100% professional demeanour, stop sweating the small stuff, stop rising to bait, stop revisiting the lies/gossip).

In your shoes, I think I'd also start looking for a job elsewhere as your colleagues sound like a bunch of idiots!!

But its over so you didn't have to check. Maybe this is why A is saying he won't put it behind him because you won't let it go.

And you have been part of it you mention up thread that you though B was a friend and you feel betrayed, I find it hard to believe B would constantly come to you with shit stiring gossip if you weren't interesting in hearing it.
Unless you see how your own behaviour contributed to this situation you will likely find yourself in a similar situation at work again.

Are you a member of an Union? If so, ask them for advice.

The atmosphere in your office seems incredibly unprofessional. In any other workplace, the company magazine would publish an update about the work of the committee to balance the article about 'A'. 'A' would have to move on from the upset. There really is no way they should be able to state they're not moving on unless they are lodging a formal grievance. The person leaking committee emails should be disciplined. B should have a warning about adversely impacting on the team and your team should be split up.

Reply to B to say you are blocking all colleagues from FB in the interests of accountability and transparency moving forward.
Then stop talking about A unless you are going to put in a formal complaint about his inability to 'move on'.

You've been sucked into a culture of gossiping and bitching and you're going to have to work hard to move away from it.

I have never been in this position at work before. I think I am unlikely to again.

I find it hard with B too. She was the one telling me the gossip. I even thanked her for telling me. She said she had had issues with him too. And to be honest we didn't say that much other than I was glad when he was off and I didn't understand why he was being like he was. That's all the gossip it was.

Of course I can see it is offensive if someone says they are known for gossip. However, it was total gossip and lies. I do not want to be part of it or for anyone to think I agree and I would rather say no that's not likely to be true than to do nothing and by default become part of the problem. I find it difficult for someone to get on their high horse for that when that is exactly what they were doing.

And again. I had let it go and hadn't given it any further thought until it was then used against me.

I haven't spoken about A to anyone for weeks. I was on leave then he was on leave. That was at least two weeks. Prior to my leave he was away for 3 weeks so there was no talking other than saying I was pleased as I could relax. And that was to B who said that to me, and my manager.

I haven't been into work since. I have had a phone call from my manager and then have asked this guy what the score was with the rabbit this morning. This guy has complained about A a lot to management for various reasons.

The rest of the team are all going to be dealt with as a whole. My manager said yesterday that when he started the team was really tight but now there is no team at all. It shows in the work too and there are a lot of problems. The stupidity of the rabbit thing is a perfect example of why there is no team because people are too busy making up lies and spreading it about and playing people off each other. So I have told the manager as he was shocked by what he found out on Thursday and said to me ge has no idea how to sort it because he doesn't know how it all went so wrong. Hopefully knowing stuff like this will help. He said I have been treated appallingly and have done nothing wrong..

The person that leaked the emails is in trouble. That is being dealt with by management.

As far as I know nothing is happening with the articles but I haven't asked, haven't been in work and have quit the committee so it's not my place to find out.