to be in tears about the mess I am in at work.

[Vintagecrap]

It's just a horrible situation and I have never worked anywhere like it before, I don't know where to go from here.

I fell out with a team member A in august. I was told by team member B that A had been slagging me off for days regarding some work a manager had asked me to complete. A had also been published in a magazine as saying the work I had to do was his idea originally, which it wasn't.

I was under a lot of pressure to get the job done, it's part of a second role I do and a committee I am part of. The committee was also angry that A had taken credit, we chatted about it via group emails buy decided it was best to just drop it.

So it was dropped. A refuses to speak to me. B kept telling me things that he was saying about me. I spoke to my manager and was told I was doing the right thing and to just ignore it.

Fast forward an awkward few months and I get told by B that A and a group of his friends were saying things about my child, which were so bad, they could have ended up getting me in trouble with social services. I get very cross and shout at everyone. I am then made to apologise for doing so. They said they didn't say it and I am told I have to accept it. B is insistent that they did.

My manager finally sits down with me and A yesterday. He had been telling me he wanted A out of them team and things were being put in place to make that happen. Except I get into the meeting to find he is more on A's side.

I also find put that B has been saying things to A that I have said that are not true, and vice versa. That C has also been involved.

Then I find out that someone from within the small committee, has been forwarding on a lot of committee only emails , where A's friend has been mentioned as she isn't doing her role correctly and it is hampering what we do. It turns out everyone had known this for a while and last weekend the whole business was aware I had been party of a moan and discussion about it, but of course it has been twisted to be thar I had been slagging people off and that those people were going to have a go at me and the whole team I work with have been gossiping about it.

I told the committee who are furious about it. One member has now quit. The one who did it denied it then said it wasn't a big deal. The other members want to kick him out.

And I am sat in the middle of the whole sorry lot.

I feel so betrayed by so many people. I called my manager to say I think I need to move teams as I don't think I can work with these people.

I can't stop crying about the whole thing and don't really know what to do.

B is a shit stiring lying toxic fuck face and you need to stay well clear of B. Do not engage.

Your manager also sounds pretty useless.

I agree the manager sounds incompetent and hopeless for letting this spiral out of control.

There seem to be no boundaries at your place of work.

I think everyone in your workplace spends too much time talking about everyone else and you too have been part of this.

the only thing you can do now is stay well away from gossip. don't send emails about other people. it's bad enough when it's a said b said but if it's right there in black and white you can't deny it.

My goodness who are all these horrible people! Sounds like a bunch of 5 year olds and you are clearly too nice for this place.

I'd have left already before I lost my sanity.

Good luck!

Your manager should not be discussing other members of staff with you in this fashion. Especially those you are in conflict with. That is a huge breach and could lead to disciplinary action. S/he had no right to talk about your colleague as being "toxic" far less about previous employment issues. "Off the record" indeed.

The whole place sounds incredibly unprofessional. Without proper policies and procedures, effective training and monitoring in place it sounds a total shambles.

Has any of this been put down in writing thus far- the meeting with A, the meetings with your manager?

I think you have a justifiable grievance about what was said about your child.

How possible is it to move teams? B sounds like a nightmare and needs to be hauled over someone's coals. She should at least get some sort of disciplinary procedure for this. A obviouslu has ishoooos too about power and control. Is the comittee something that is valuable for your career progression? If not then leave.

I would be looking for another job if possible but actually also think why the hell should you? You need to prove that your work is valuable, and contributes to the company and that these shennanigans are stopping you doing that. I would also use this time to reflect on you and how you deport and compose yourself at work. However, they do sound like a bunch of wankers.

Has anyone confronted B about their role in this whole sorry situation?

In a formal capacity I mean - not in the car park with a tyre iron!

I have had one job where I started and then realised the whole team was a bit pathological, that people had fallen out with each other and after a few weeks someone started mumbling about me and the quality of my work.

My poor DH, who works in a stressful environment which compounds workplace pathology, has had three jobs like it, with dysfunctional relationships.

The only solution is to give up on it as a bad job, and find a new job. In the meantime, protect yourself, don't get drawn into the pathological system and don't allow it to grind you or your self esteem down. It is nothing to do with YOU personally, it is a pathological feature of the way that group of people operates, given the difficult individuals that make it up. You are just the fodder for the craziness, it could have been you or it could have been the next person.

Its no wonder you feel really upset, it is horrible and stressful. But try to keep it "out there" and don't let them get inside your head or heart.

Things sound really awful for everyone. In your shoes I'd be looking for another job TELLING NO-ONE. doing the job I've got at the moment to the best of my ability, resigning from the Committee if possible, avoiding gossip of any description at all costs, avoiding both A and B as much as possible, logging anything that happens that shouldn't and at the first sign of trouble making an appointment with your Manager simply to tell him/her that in view of the previous unresolved issues and the upset caused you are reporting the matter to HR.
Good Luck!

Honest feedback? None of you have behaved professionally.

'he was cross and wanted to mix it up a bit'

Sounds like a mantra for the whole workforce.

B sounds toxic, A is no better and shouldn't have been gossiping about your private life. You have reason to complain about both.
A won't draw a line under events. Manager tells you things 'off the record'
Everyone sounds puerile and totally unprofessional.

Maybe more work could be completed within office hours if less time was spent bitching and spreading rumours.

I've quit the committee. I don't get paid extra for doing it and it's just caused problems and stress. .

I think I'm going to ask to move teams. I don't really see any way forward.

And I agree. Thing is I wasn't even aware all of this was continuing, I was totally oblivious.

Which makes me feel even worse.

I know it's easy for outsiders to say but I really wouldn't waste my time being upset.

Read what you've written again as if you were a stranger and see it for what it is. These people are totally ridiculous. Management really should get a grip.
Move forward pleased to leave them behind and rise above it all.

Sounds like B was your problem here - I'd just be careful in future about believeing him/her

Hm. I'd be getting HR involved too. You need to go and speak with them and then ask for advice.

As has been asked upthread - why is B not being formally brought into this?

I was and am happy to move on from it. It's so unbelievable that it has happened and is a total waste of time. However, A says he feels he is not able to move on. So, I don't know what happens really.

Your workplace sounds toxic and non-salvageable. Can you find another job without too much difficutly?

In the meantime, play along with trying to sort things out. Firstly lodge a grievance and then take it through the HR motions. By the time you are ready to hand in your notice, you may have amassed enough evidence for them to pay you off or let you go early in lieu anyway.

Good luck. I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation but it is best not to waste your time on unprofessional workplaces and get out while you can.

I don't know if I've even followed this properly.
A claims your idea as his own and takes credit for it. A badmouths you regarding your work. A is involved in awful gossip about your child and your homelife situation. A's friend has not been pulling her weight in committee and A gets to hear that people have spoken about this.

Manager says A is toxic and steps have been taken to move him, however, then Manager backtracks and seems more on side with A.

And A is playing the victim, refusing to draw a line under the whole sorry situation.

B has been gossiping with A and yet informing you about said gossip as though she was no part of it.

You've lost your temper and had a shouting match, for which you later apologized.
Did anyone apologize for the misinformation and gossip about your child and your private life?

Hard to see why you don't just move on and totally ignore A and B.

I think B should have been brought into a meeting with you and A and your manager

Sorry nothing to add to advice, but just to say I really feel for you as it is easy for people to say that you should be aloof, not listen to gossip etc. be professional, but in practise this can be very very difficult particularly if at first your office seems really friendly and every one goes for drinks with each other. Many people become very good friends with work colleagues, three of my best friends are people I met in previous jobs, if I'd remained aloof I'd have missed out on fantastic friendships. Its really easy to get caught up and not recognise how you are being manipulated. It just takes that one nasty manipulator - in your case B - and it can blow up in your face and you don't know who to trust. Don't be too hard on yourself looking back this could have happened to anyone.

Be strong and write down as much as you can to get a coherent version of events and then go to HR.

In a previous job I refused to listen to "the office gossip" as she did her rounds of the desks dropping little titbits of gossip to each person and stirring things, consequently she labelled me the "nasty" one. After I left I found out that nobody actually liked her, but they were all a bit scared of her shit-stirring ability even the management so tried to keep her sweet - what can you do in that situation other than leave.

erique, nope. Im on a laptop now, not phone, making typing easier.
A and B are both in my team.

C is B's best friend and is a different team of which i have small dealings with with my committee role.

I was told A got the hump with me, and had been slagging me off all week, by B. B also alerted me to A being in the company wide magazine, taking credit for the work of the committee. C had written the article without committee knowledge and the rest of the committee were hurt and upset at it to.

B kept telling me things that A was saying, so i disengaged as i felt it was just stupid. I sought the advice of my manager and was told to do as i was doing.

It was expected it would all blow over, except one day B came into work and told me over lunch the day before A, C and her friend D had all been making coments about my daughter to other work people.

I saw red, and went and told C ( who was the only one in) that she should really think about what she was saying and that she was out of order. I did have a raised voice.

Management heard and were horrified. D and C got told off and made to say sorry, i was made to say sorry for shouting. D and C said at the time that B had been saying things but that they didnt want to cause any problems. B had said that they had been saying A was the source. A was not in that day so i have been told that i cannot be upset with him about this.

My manager then told me that A was toxic and it would be being dealt with, this carried on with almost weekly updates.

In the meantime, i just got on with my work. Didnt speak to anyone about it, bar B, who i thought was on my side and i knew she knew what was going on. Except it seems from yesterdays meeting she was telling me things, reporting it back to A and vice versa.

To muddy the waters even further, we have the forwarding on of messages from someone within the committee to C, who is A's best friend. C showed A, A spend my week off bitching about me to everyone, even though i hardl y said anything in the copied conversation, and now most of the team i work with are off with me.

One person has just quit the committee, i have also just quit it too.

I would strongly recommend looking for a new job, companies with the sort of culture that tolerates this sort of behaviour are so draining. In my experience, places where people are perfectly polite and professional and friendly, but not lots of nights out drinking, being friends outside of work etc are the least likely to have this level of dramas.