to go on holiday without him because my dp can't afford it

[atwitsendbutpaddlinghard]

I can afford holidays, my dp can't (he is self employed, earns very little but works very hard, lives in my house and only has to keep himself). I usually pay for both of us. We've been to lots of lovely places he could never have afforded to go if I hadn't paid. He says he can't afford to lose more working days to go on holiday this winter and it stresses him out when I ask him to go with me, which I can understand. AIBU to go without him even to places where I know he'd love to go. He feels upset at the thought of it. I've been lucky to inherit money. I feel life is short and I want to take the opportunity to go places, even if it is selfish. WWYD

Kew that is a very good point - true, but I dont see what the legal stance on assets has to do with it.

I maybe a bit silly here but I think living together is a quite a commitment in in itself. If you used the legally married argument it kind of undermines all the co-habitating couples and families up and down the land. We are not talking divorce or division of assets...

I think when you decided to live with someone or in a long term relationship yuo choose to share you lives together. I dont think there is anything wrong with having seperate holidays. But this situation is not as straight forward - there is a large disparity in income and therefore on the practical side lifestyle choices or doability. So I think the OP and her partner need to decided how to do deal with this as it's not really about going on holiday.

What if, for example, OP decided to re-furbish an area of the house - is the DP just constantly not a stakeholder as he is not paying in? But it's her house, not his so why should he pay...therein lies the crux of it all. Either together or not - at this stage where they are living together.

ITs not an excellent posts because as repeatedly stated SHE DOES PAY FOR HIS BLOODY HOLIDAYS!

Jesus. And he isn't a SAHP, so you're not even comparing properly anyway.

Whats mines mine and what is yours is yours. - thats where they are up to.

I agree grocklebox - though Im still waiting for DP to book my Italian cookery holiday where it'll be all like the Godfather....and I'll come back all stylish...

I think living together is a quite a commitment in in itself in my opinion it isn't. There is no commitment. Not one bit. You are living together because you want to and there is no commitment past that.

They have no children together, they don't own joint property and they aren't married.

They are together because they want to be together and its lasted a long time so it obviously suits them. But it is silly to suggest that somehow this commits either one of them to share assets.

If the partners business took off and was sold for £1m, OP would have no entitlement to it either legally or morally. And no I don't think as the house belongs to her that he would be expected to put one penny of capital costs for a refurb into it. If you want commitment then get married or have a civil partnership. Living together is not a commitment, its just a choice of living with a partner or seeing them regularly - both can walk away at either time with no repercussions at all.

I am slightly amazed at all the judgement about anyone possibly wanting to spend one holiday in 20 years apart from your partner. Do you really only exist as a couple and wanting to do something on your own is really so far beyond the pale?

Makes me glad I'm not married. I love going on holiday once a year with one very old friend and can't imagine giving it up if I were to marry. But my sister who is regularly holidays with her friends (spending her husbands money) as her DH either doesn't want to go or can't get the time off work.

She would be hugely amused by the idea that this somehow makes her a deficient wife.

So, this inheritance that allows you to spend freely, did you have that when he met you? Or were you struggling along together until you came into money?

Well I disagree Kew - there are many families heartily committed to one another who do not have their relationships recognised religously or legally.

So in this instance they live together but they are not committed? I dont think that is the case. They have chose to keep their finances separate as clearly stated by OP.

If this is what works for them and that includes OP having a holiday because DP is working then fine - I dont think there is anything wrong with this but it woudlnt suit DH and I - hence different choices. But OP seems to be questionning feelings of should she/shouldnt she...

Im still not clear what the issue is.

Seperate holidays are fine IMO no matter what the other aspects of relation ship are like (abuse and downright selfishness aside)

Frankly, if DP earned way more than I did, I would expect us to pay a relative percentage of our wages towards joint things but I would hate for him to take me on holidays that I couldn't afford or constantly cover meals out, etc. Why should someone who earns a lot have to sacrifice things that they want for a lower earning partner? Just because you're together, it doesn't mean that you need to split your money to let him live above him means.

Maybe I'm really harsh but if there is as big a gap in earning as you say, things will always be unfair to one or the other.

I think thats a great way to do cherry relative payments.

Doesn't anyone else think that it's weird the OP sees the inheritance as 'hers' anyway?

She's been with her partner for 20 years and I've got the impression the inheritance is a fairly recent thing (but I might be reading between the lines too much there)

Ok, they're not married but their relationship has lasted a lot longer than many marriages.

I can't imagine being with someone for even half that time and still seeing a windfall like that as only 'mine'

I'd be interested to know when the inheritance was received.

20 years! mised that bit and 'living together is not a commitent' as kew said. I had more sharing and 'commitement' from my (at the time) DP after 20 days.

Whats mine is mine and yours is yours eh?

wow! I am amazed this is still live, thanks for your interest

the point about the holiday was the potential for his hurt feelings at being left behind because he can't afford to miss 5/10/whatever number of days/months earnings, against my passion for travelling as much as I could ever cram in before I get decrepit, and my unwillingness to wait until he draws his pension, and my feeling yes ok I will admit it, a slight resentment, (but only very slight one, and whose relationship is that perfect that they don't feel a tinge of resentment about something in relation to their dh/dp? whether clutter/children/affection whatever) that his potential for hurt feelings means I won't travel as much as I long to - I guess that's compromise for you..

to broaden it out beyond holidays as some of you have done - and please be kind - first post on aibu - as kewcumber said, we stay together because we want to, yes either could leave at any time, but we get on really well and don't want to. inheritance is recent, but I was always by far the higher earner and hence have always shared by paying the greatest share of costs (not pooled assets in one place). I will not share earnings/inheritance in one joint pot because a) he has appalling track record with money - past debts, no understanding of or desire to save, spendthrift sometimes, (which is why I "share" by paying expenses and for lovely holidays, but not handing £ directly to him though I have thought about it, but NO!!), and equally b) if he were to die first - the money /share of house would go to his family as he hasn't made a will - I could find that I have to sell my home because someone in his family wants their money out of it - NO WAY. Even if he did make a will, I'd never know what was in it, and it could be changed at any time. His family are nice enough, but not so dear to me that I wish to give them the money my grandparents and parents worked hard for or part of my home.!

• so Im just interested and this is not a loaded comment - so you could say you retain a degree of independance within your commitment to one another?

DH and I have always done a lot together and now with kids - neither of us goes off to for long to do other stuff. We happy this way but I understand this would nto suit others, indeed we have friends who are differnt to us in this respect.

I'd go on your holiday. Yes there are many things I get little jealous over re DH and he does of me...but we talk, overall our grass is green POV even out by the weekend when we are all together!

If he didn't put £££ towards his hobby he could afford time off in order to go on holiday.

This is the choice he has made. The choice he wants to make.

OP is not being unreasonable to go away alone which is the equivilant of her hobby in my opinion.

andsmile - yes huge degree of independence - because we share most interests, we spend most of our time off together, though I am a (sporting interest) 'widow' in the summer a bit, but I am completely free to do my own thing generally and I am too old in the tooth now to live any other way.

If it suits you both then fine you dont need to change for anyone

You sound like flat sharers rather than a couple. I would be devastated if my partner did that.

I totally understand your reservations about giving him any of your new found wealth but it does sound joyless from the outside, that you can't use it to make both of your lives so much more pleasurable.

If he won't take the time off because it will be detrimental to his business to do so that's a totally different situation to him not taking the time off because he can't afford the drop in income.

If it's the former then YNBU but if it's the latter then YABU.

Bearbehind thanks for your contribution but please RTFT "you can't use it to make both of your lives so much more pleasurable." I do I Do I DO

aargh signing off

I have RTFT

I wasn't just talking about holidays, more about your whole way of life- there seems to be a lot of resentment on your part but I guess if it's worked for 20 years it's suits you both.

It does sound a bit cold and soul less, tbh. When you called him dp in your op, I assumed it was a fairly recent relationship. But you've been together 20 years!
And you talk about him like he's a pet. Is he aware that he's had a better quality of life (materially, at least) than he could ever have aspired to without you? Love to be a fly on the wall if you were to tell him...

yanbu

If wanted to go on holiday once the kids fled and dh didn't/ I had a friend who did - What's the issue?

And op why ask on aibu why not all dp what he wants - you go new with mate or leave it a few months and go together.

Have you talking to him about it, OP, what does he say?

Does MN need a Stepford Wives Board?

This man earns his own money. He is hopeless with money. The OP does pay for him to go on holiday and lots of other shared pleasures. She is prepared to pay for him to go on this holiday. In fact she would love him to accompany her. He doesn't want to take more time off work. Why on earth should she tie herself down to his way of doing things?

Have you actually asked him to explain why he feels upset at the thought of you going away without him? (Looking back at your initial post).