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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go on holiday without him because my dp can't afford it

133 replies

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 20:25

I can afford holidays, my dp can't (he is self employed, earns very little but works very hard, lives in my house and only has to keep himself). I usually pay for both of us. We've been to lots of lovely places he could never have afforded to go if I hadn't paid. He says he can't afford to lose more working days to go on holiday this winter and it stresses him out when I ask him to go with me, which I can understand. AIBU to go without him even to places where I know he'd love to go. He feels upset at the thought of it. I've been lucky to inherit money. I feel life is short and I want to take the opportunity to go places, even if it is selfish. WWYD

OP posts:

Original poster

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 23:00

Inertia - you did read right
he scrapes by, just, seems to find enough money to have a separate interest (equivalent in cost terms to an expensive longhaul holiday) which I don't mind at all, I am just saying he chooses to allocate most of his little spare money to that hobby, which is fine, and he puts the rest of it towards the daily spending money (eg food/excursions) on the holidays I pay for. I was only saying that because people were attacking our relationship and I was trying to show he does have a good time despite being with me And if he has a separate interest, then surely I can have one although mine would take the form of more travel.

The question has been answered. thanks.

OP posts:

ChelsyHandy · 05/11/2014 23:01

YANBU. If you've already paid for him several times to go on holidays, you are probably fed up doing it. Plenty of people go on holiday or alone with friends, not DHs or DPs anyway. Just do that for a change. No big deal.

If it bothers him that much, he should get a better paid job. Honestly, an adult not being able to pay for his own food and rent should be a temporary thing anyway, unless he has some limiting disability.

Bibasbottom · 05/11/2014 23:21

Go on holiday wherever you want, and by yourself if required.

To the majority of the posters on here: RTFT!

vitabrits · 06/11/2014 04:21

People are being so critical of a non-traditional style of relationship, but it's lasted 20 years which says something.

PetulaGordino · 06/11/2014 04:38

If the true reason why you want to go away without him is because he can't have the time off then that's fine. Going on holiday on your own is definitely not an unreasonable thing to do, and I'm sure you have a fab time.

if your true reason is that you are fed up with subsidising him then that's another issue to be thrashed out separately from the holiday. Some of your posts suggest you might have a problem with this, though it sounds like from later posts that actually you don't mind this really. Which I think is right in te context of a longterm relationship - as long as there is equal effort and engagement in building your life together, and you have enough to live on overall, the financial contribution of each shouldn't matter. Otherwise you are basing someone's value on how much money they bring in which isn't fair.

Fwiw my dp and I aren't married and don't have children and we have joint finances. We have been together for ten years

RedButtonhole · 06/11/2014 04:56

YANBU. At first I thought it sounded a bit mean- I couldn't go on holiday and leave a partner at home if I could afford to pay for them to come.

I understand that you would pay for him to come on the actual holiday but don't want to compensate him for lost earnings if he accompanies you, which I think is fine. If he wants to be off work he needs to suck it up or not go, that's his choice.

Enjoy your holiday!

googoodolly · 06/11/2014 05:07

The thing is, OP, your opening post reads nothing like your responses. In the first one, money is a big issue and you almost seem to be resenting him, but later you (finally) explain that it's the time off work that's the problem.

I don't really see why the money is even relevant. Why not just say that your OH doesn't have more holiday at work and you do, so is it okay for you to go away when he can't?

The money doesn't seem relevant at all, really.

MaryWestmacott · 06/11/2014 07:19

OP, the money is nothing to do with this issue now, but you are clearly used to money being an issue as you mentioned it straight away - does he make you feel bad about the difference in your incomes and that you are funding him? Does he make you feel like you shouldn't spend money on yourself?

Foxbiscuitselection · 06/11/2014 07:27

I used to have some separate fortnight long holidays pre Kids and while having long holidays while teaching. It added great balance to our lives as a bit of space made us appreciate each other more. Its healthy to do things separately sometimes and not live in each other's pockets. These days We only manage a couple of days away separately once or twice a year but it's very valuable for us.

duchesse · 06/11/2014 07:36

googoo, when I read the OP I absolutely did not pick up that OP was concerned about the money, quite the reverse in fact. It all seemed to be about the DP and him not wanting to take time off work, and the OP worrying that she would be disloyal to go on holiday by herself. Maybe that's because I'm self-employed and understand the precariousness of that state.

Incidentally those friends I mentioned have radically different hobbies and the husband's holidays away usually involve long-haul fishing trips (eg Russia or Newfoundland) for several weeks a year. It works for them to have separate holidays.

SurfsUp1 · 06/11/2014 08:02

When we were both working (bc) Dh was earning around 10x my salary. I don't think we'd still be together if he'd made me feel like a burden.

Ragwort · 06/11/2014 08:07

Read the thread Surf - where does it say that the Op makes her DP feel like a burden?

Her DP is self employed and chooses to work rather than take time off, he spends his 'spare' money on his expensive hobby.

Why should the Op sacrifice her holiday (or whatever she wants to do with her 'spare' money) ........ is she meant to take leave from work and sit at home doing nothing whilst her DP is working ?

Fairenuff · 06/11/2014 08:13

The thing is OP, you say your dp is upset about this. Even if everyone on mn agrees YANBU, that isn't going to change his feelings. You do need to look at your whole relationship and talk about where you both see it going.

Tbh you sound like you resent him. You like having him there for some things and not for others. You come across as a 'fair weather' partner who is willing to ditch him when it suits you and pick up again with him when you want something.

When you use a phrase like 'wither on the vine' it doesn't sound as if you are getting much out of life from being with him. It's true that money doesn't make you happy. Spending it might give you 'moments' of happiness but true contentment needs much more than money can buy.

SurfsUp1 · 06/11/2014 08:14

I did read the thread thanks.

If I had told Dh that I was financially stretched and couldn't afford to take the time to go on holidays with him and he had just gone off without me then I would have been made to feel the weight of our financial disparity.
That difference would have started to really worry me and I would have become very conscious of all the ways in which I was being subsidised. In short, I would have started to feel like a financial burden.

Why don't you read what I said? Ragwort

I didn't say she couldn't go, I didn't make any suggestion at all as to how this issue might be addressed as I have nowhere near enough insight into the machinations of their relationship to offer a valuable opinion. I was merely relaying how I would have felt having been in a similar situation.

CharmQuark · 06/11/2014 08:18

OP - in an adult no kids context I can see no reason for the judginess around your relationship. No reason to turn all your assets into joint assets and one big melting pot when you have chosen to remain non-married etc. And you are clearly generous, he lies in your house, and no partner of mine ever paid for a holiday for me!

As he has his hobby as his independent rest and relaxation, why not plan ahead, have one short hol a year (or whatever suits his work pattern) as your together holiday and then you do what suits you the res of the year. Make a clear delineation between your holiday as a couple and you pursuing your travel interests at other times.

YANBU.

andsmile · 06/11/2014 08:22

Sounds like a lodger/companion to me.

DH and I did everything 50/50 when we moved in. After we married he also got a substantial increase in salary and mine reduced a little - all the money goes into the pot, bills paid then shared out equally.

Now I dont work and he earns even more - I am sure glad he doesnt view my living in the house or paying my way the same wasy as you do towards your partner. To be fair we have kids, but still...

Kewcumber · 06/11/2014 08:26

I run my own small business, don't have much spare money (business is still relatively new). I would only take a certain amount of time off - not because of the money but also because I have stuff to do and I can't just pass it on to anyone else - there isn't anyone else.

If a partner paid for me to go on holiday I would (and have) accept gratefully and go once or twice but more than that, no. I would be completely happy for them to go on their own or with friends especially if they are planning something that doesn't particularly appeal to me.

I genuinely don't understand people who would expect their partner to stay at home when you not in a position yourself. And I would be well pissed off with a partner that spent their spare money on an expensive (ish) hobby and then got all grumpy if I spent my money on going on a holiday.

They are both adults and if you are going to get precious about the financial disparity between you and your partner then what do you suggest? Give the money away or only allow your partner to do things that you want to do? When you already have a separate hobby yourself?

I did have a little laugh about how the relationship is doomed though - can't imagine how OP's partner has struggled on for 20 years with her!

Kewcumber · 06/11/2014 08:33

And I would certainly not merge finances with someone I wasn't married to. Not even after 20 years. No such thing as marital assets if you're not married.

andsmile you are married - you share all assets legally (pretty much). OP's partner is living in her house, she pays for holidays, pays for his debts which allows him to maintain an expensive hobby he wouldn;t otherwise afford. I'm not sure how you read into this that OP has some kind of bad attitude to him.

It isn;t lodger - he doesn't pay rent! They are unmarried partners and they live in her house and live predominantly off her income. She doesn;t say anywhere that she resents this. The bloody woman just wants to go on holiday without him once when he won;t go.

CharmQuark · 06/11/2014 08:36

I agree that the money is not the issue here, the days available for holiday is.

Is the OP supposed to sit around at home on her extra days leave?

Does it occur to some MN-ers that some people have pride in their independence and don't want to be paid for even when there is an imbalance?

It's different when there are kids and if one person's work becomes family and home focussed - but until that point there is no right or wrong in the way couples sort themselves out as long as no-one is being exploited, and it is a fully mutually agreed situation.

CharmQuark · 06/11/2014 08:40

And believe it or not some women enjoy travel and holidays without a man to hang off. 'I couldn't go on holiday without my partner' Why ever not? I would want to have holidays with a partner as part of our relationship but would love to travel independently too.

Frogme · 06/11/2014 08:48

If he wants to go YABU. You are partners. If the reason he can't have time off is because he needs the money then YAstillBU, if he could have the time off otherwise.

If he really isn't bothered about going or the business would really suffer if he left it (rather than he would just lose a few days of earnings) then YANBU. You should not curtail your priorities just because he's not bothered.

You are a partnership. It is joint money. I can't stand this my money attitude where one can afford all sorts where the other struggles to pay the bills.

whois · 06/11/2014 09:11

I'm kind of in the same situation OP, except I don't subsidise DPs living costs. He earns enough to pay 1/2 the lifestyle we live so that's not an issue.

But he won't take time off to go on holiday as his business is v busy and at a difficult point. Talking about holidays stresses him out. He took a week off at Christmas. A week off in the summer. And he plans to take a week at Christmas.

I get 5 weeks holiday at work. I've been away every week except Christmas. Only once with DP.

Of course I would much rather go away with DP than on my own or with friends. But I'd also rather go away on my own than sit at home in England for a week with nothing to do.

Go OP, but maybe try and pick places he has less interest in going to.

sickntiredtoo · 06/11/2014 09:17

Op: AIBU?
MN: Yes!!
OP: drip drip drip....
..until story is nothing like OP, and
MN: YANBU

Oakmaiden · 06/11/2014 09:25

I guess it depends how "d" your "dp" is to you.

I don't think I would want to stay in a relationship with someone who was happy to swan off on holiday and leave me behind because they had more money than me. It is one thing if he is actually just your boyfriend, but if he is actually your PARTNER then you should surely want to do these wonderful things with him more than you want to spend all your inherited wealth on yourself?

ginnycreeper5 · 06/11/2014 09:25

The point is that lots of husbands pay for their SAHM wives to go on holiday can you not see that your question is a tad odd?

Excellent post.

When I used to be a SAHM my husband didn't resent me going on holiday with him, even though I wasn't working and contributing monetary-wise.

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