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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to go on holiday without him because my dp can't afford it

133 replies

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 20:25

I can afford holidays, my dp can't (he is self employed, earns very little but works very hard, lives in my house and only has to keep himself). I usually pay for both of us. We've been to lots of lovely places he could never have afforded to go if I hadn't paid. He says he can't afford to lose more working days to go on holiday this winter and it stresses him out when I ask him to go with me, which I can understand. AIBU to go without him even to places where I know he'd love to go. He feels upset at the thought of it. I've been lucky to inherit money. I feel life is short and I want to take the opportunity to go places, even if it is selfish. WWYD

OP posts:
Marylou2 · 05/11/2014 20:46

A bit sad for both of you.As a previous poster has said if the situation was reversed and the female partner earned very little there would be uproar if her male partner posted a similar OP. Either you love this man enough to treat him equally or you don't.

RyanAirVeteran · 05/11/2014 20:46

He is having a materially far far nicer life living with me etc.,

Is he your bit of rough to someone else's Pretty Woman ?? Shock Shock

Stylecraft · 05/11/2014 20:47

I would think if you were a couple in a live in, committed relationship, it would be very mean to go without him. I used to earn more than DH for years though I don't now - since children Hmm - but we paid into bills etc in proportion to our income and if I could afford to treat him I did. Different if he doesn't WANT to take time off though vs not being able to afford it.

Bowlersarm · 05/11/2014 20:48

Why don't you go somewhere he doesn't want to go and save the places where you know he'd love to go to go with him, rather than rub his nose in it.

Inertia · 05/11/2014 20:49

Are you a couple or not?

If you're a couple , it's a pretty mean to swan off because you can afford it and he can't.

DeeCayed · 05/11/2014 20:49

Yabu

I think when you live together money should be equal regardless of any children and agree with what has been said up thread about quality of life being the same. If you live each other enough to want to live together then it shouldn't be a what's mine is mine approach.

If you didn't live together so had separate lives and money and weren't that serious about your relationship then Ywnbu.

Bowlersarm · 05/11/2014 20:49

How have you so much time for holidays? Do you work?

formerbabe · 05/11/2014 20:49

The issue I think is not that he earns less but that he doesn't contribute anything to the household running costs...how low is his income if he can't contribute at all? The op shouldn't have to subsidise everything.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 05/11/2014 20:50

Are you a partnership or just boyfriend and girlfriend? Because if you are genuinely committed to each other as partners for life then your set up is horrible.

duchesse · 05/11/2014 20:50

It sounds to me from your OP as though he doesn't want to go because of the lost days. If he genuinely means that, then I'd go without him if I were you (as long as it's not over some important time like Christmas or his birthday).

If he really means that he can't afford the holiday + the lost income, it's trickier. Obviously you can't sub his lost days of income even if you were willing to pay for his holiday. I can see his point- the life of the freelancer is rather precarious financially.

However, as gets more stable with his work and financially, he will have to factor in breaks if he's not to go utterly mad.

TheJiminyConjecture · 05/11/2014 20:50

Atwitsend Could you clarify what the issue is as I can see two potential AIBU and I'm easily confused Grin

Is it Aibu to go on holiday alone because Dp won't take the time off?

Or Aibu to go on holiday alone because he can't afford it and I'm getting fed up of paying for the both of us?

SoonToBeSix · 05/11/2014 20:52

Yes yabu with your " subsidising" is this guy your partner or not because he doesn't sound like it.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/11/2014 20:53

I think this thread wins the title of "thread where most posters completely ignore what the OP has actually said, despite her saying it several times"

OP I think you can go on hols if he isn't able to take the time off. But sooner or later the differences in finances is going to affect your relationship - especially if finances are kept separate and not regarded by both as a common pot of money. I'm not sure what the solution is but you and he will have to sit down and discuss it - I can't see it working the way you are.

duchesse · 05/11/2014 20:53

BTW I have some good friends who have been married for 21 years who always take at least one solo holiday (as in, separate from each other) every year.

WooWooOwl · 05/11/2014 20:54

You don't sound like you have much respect for him, you aren't doing him a favour by being his DP you know.

Presumably you have chosen to pay for things for him because you have wanted him to share those things with you, not out of charity.

googoodolly · 05/11/2014 20:54

It sounds like you resent him for even being there, tbh.

"He enjoys a better life materially because he's with me". Hmm, That just sounds awful, OP. Imagine if a guy had come on and said those things about his live-in girlfriend - he woud be slaughtered, and rightly so.

You knew his financial situation before he moved in, and presumably knew that his earning potential was going to be limited while he got his business going, and yet you seem pissed off with him as a result?

It doesn't seem like you like him all that much, really.

HappyYoni · 05/11/2014 20:56

No offence op, but you dont seem to speak about him with much affection. It doesn't sound like his happiness means all that much to you. Are you generally happy in your relationship?

Stylecraft · 05/11/2014 20:56

It sounds like you resent him a lot bit for earning less. This really doesn't bode well for the future.

Primadonnagirl · 05/11/2014 20:57

OP..do you think he's taking advantage?? If so deal with it. But it sounds as if he's hard working but just not bringing in enough dosh to keep up with your travel preferences.in which case you don't sound very loving. Sorry.

LadyLuck10 · 05/11/2014 20:57

You sound very selfish and definitely not in a relationship. This isn't how a couple treats each other. He can't help his situation, so what do you expect him to do.

TalkinPeace · 05/11/2014 20:57

You are not a "couple" - he is your kept man.
Be honest about that and then go on any holiday you like.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 21:03

Ok I don't want this descending into a dissection of my relationship any further. He is not downtrodden, he has a sporting activity he chooses to spend money on which I don't share, Many thanks for all the responses. I think the posters who suggested that I go places he doesn't want to go have the answer.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 05/11/2014 21:05

atwitsend
The point is that lots of husbands pay for their SAHM wives to go on holiday
can you not see that your question is a tad odd?

MaryWestmacott · 05/11/2014 21:06

I have been the lower earning person in a similar couple when DH and i first started living together, we didn't completely merge finances until we were married. When we first moved in together he was earning vastly more than me, and was invited on a trip skiing in the US with a group of shared friends (although more his friends), we'd already commited to going on an overseas holiday later in the year for another friend's wedding, I couldn't afford to do both.

He actually did offer to pay for me, but I refused, I didn't feel ready to be 'kept' - once we'd got engaged and then married, then had DCs, it was different, we were a unit, but when you are just living together with no DCs, you aren't really a unit.

He went without me and I was rather jealous at the time, but i couldn't afford it and didn't make him feel bad about it. It was my choice, he had offered to pay.

The issue will be, will your DP make you feel bad about going without him? If he can't get the time off, then the difference in your wages doesn't really matter (other than that he can't really afford to go on his own later on if he needs you to offer to pay) - if you reposted saying you can afford to go away but your DP can't get the time off to join you, AIBU to go without him? most people would say YANBU.

If he's taking the lifestyle you offer but still begrudging you having things he can't have (be it because you can afford more than him even with you not expecting him to pay half the bills, or because he can't take the time off to do stuff even if he could afford it due to being SE), then he's not a keeper. People who only want you to have fun if it's fun with them aren't worth the effort.

Itsfab · 05/11/2014 21:09

YABU because of your attitude.

When DH and I go out for lunch tomorrow it would be like him eating at a fancy pants restaurant and me in a little café because he works and I don't.

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