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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go on holiday without him because my dp can't afford it

133 replies

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 20:25

I can afford holidays, my dp can't (he is self employed, earns very little but works very hard, lives in my house and only has to keep himself). I usually pay for both of us. We've been to lots of lovely places he could never have afforded to go if I hadn't paid. He says he can't afford to lose more working days to go on holiday this winter and it stresses him out when I ask him to go with me, which I can understand. AIBU to go without him even to places where I know he'd love to go. He feels upset at the thought of it. I've been lucky to inherit money. I feel life is short and I want to take the opportunity to go places, even if it is selfish. WWYD

OP posts:

Greythorne · 05/11/2014 21:11

I think women on MN often have experience as mins who suddenly lose income when they have a baby and so they tend to be sensitive to situations of financial disparity.

When I stopped doing my fun, highflying job to have a baby and my DH carried on earning good money, I would have been fucking horrified of he had said, 'darling, I can afford to go to Meribel for a week's skiing but you can't afford it and you can't leave the baby. I'm off!'

That's because we love each other, respect the differences in our lives and do things together.

OP - do you love this man? Do you respect the fact that he works hard but did not inherit money as you did? Do you want to do things together?

formerbabe · 05/11/2014 21:14

It is a very different situation when one partner stays at home to look after the children and therefore needs to rely financially on the other.

In this case they do not have children.

I wouldn't have much respect for a woman who contributed nothing to the household despite working, same as I feel about a man.

MaryWestmacott · 05/11/2014 21:15

oh and when we lived together before sharing finances, I paid 50% of all bills expect rent, which was split 65/35 because I could only afford to rent a 1 bed flat in the area we wanted to live in but the now DH needed a spare room to be his office and he also needed a garage, we agreed I'd pay what would be half of the rent costs of the smaller flat that would suit me fine, and he'd pay the difference because he needed the bigger flat. (and I wouldn't use the office).

It's usual to share all finances before there's any sort of commitment like marriage or children.

It's also unusual for a couple without children to only do things as a family unit. While the skiing trip was the only big holiday one of us went on without the other once we'd started living together, we both had regular weekends away without the other. the now DH was working very long hours and a lot of weekend work back then - I wouldn't have taken kindly to being told I couldn't go visit friends just because DH couldn't get the time off to join me.

Bearbehind · 05/11/2014 21:17

OP, where do you see this relationship going?

He works hard but doesn't earn much, you are wealthy by virtue of an inheritance (ie haven't worked for it)

how do you see you long term future panning out?

KERALA1 · 05/11/2014 21:17

If he's just a boyfriend who you don't love and don't foresee a long term future with Yanbu. If you love him and he's your life partner then yabu.

Original poster

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 21:26

thanks MaryW, you and some posters have got the point.

I'll say it yet again for the others - I have offered to pay for both of us. I've already paid for lots of holidays for us. He spends money on a sporting interest which I don't share.

I don't think he'll deliberately try to make me feel bad, but
as Bowlersarm said above, I don't want to rub his nose in it.

I'll have to go somewhere or do an activity holiday which equates to a different interest. Something he doesn't want to do.

thanks to you all

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 05/11/2014 21:28

IF he can;t take the time off then I don;t quite see what the big deal is. The finances are secondary.

AIBU to go on holiday when my partner can't take the time off. NO.

Comito · 05/11/2014 21:29

I think some people are being a bit unfair on atwitsend and there are some pretty insulting comments here. Jesus, it's not like she keeps him locked in the basement.

I have a friend who is in a similar position - he's self-employed, low-paid, and doesn't like taking time off whereas she's salaried and can afford more holidays. Their solution is to have some weekends away and save up for a bigger week away.

DH and I have been on holidays without each other, mainly due to opportunities arising which suited one or other of us, and it wasn't a problem, but that was because we agreed it between us. Going on holiday when your OH really wants to come but can't afford it is a recipe for disaster IMO.

Primadonnagirl · 05/11/2014 21:35

Op you can't really complain about people making observations re your relationship when you told us about it!!! You do what you want..but you asked for our opinions and we gave them.

Ragwort · 05/11/2014 21:36

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable - you have offered to take your DP on holiday - he prefers to work and spend his 'spare' money on his sporting hobby.

My DH and I (marred 26 years +) often holiday apart - we have different interests - and vastly different incomes - it's nothing to do with money, but how we choose to spend our free time.

Enjoy your holiday. .

MaryWestmacott · 05/11/2014 21:54

The money is a red herring to the issue - it's not about him not being able to afford the cost, it's him not being able to afford the time. No amount of generosity on your behalf will change that.

However, the differences in your income obviously make you feel a bit guilty, hence why you mentioned it at first, when really money isn't the issue on the face of it here- is it an underlying issue in your relationship? Does he make you feel bad about the money you have? (Even though you fund him too).

I think it's wrong to pick a holiday on the grounds he wouldn't want to go, it's not like you are denying him the option. If he is going to be limited on the time he'll take off, either he accepts you'll do some fun stuff without him or he tries to limit what you do.

His business, is it viable? If he wasn't in a relationship with a much wealthier woman would he really have to look at going back to salaried work? Is it likely to take off soon?

If you are thinking of having dcs with this man, tread carefully, a business that brings no income, while also taking up vast amounts of time is not sustainable with a family.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 05/11/2014 21:58

If you weren't living together then I would say go for it. However, you are living together so presumably this is a "committed" relationship which means you need to share. Could it be that deep down you feel that your DP isn't really the one for you and that's why you don't want to share?

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/11/2014 22:00

Am I reading a different thread to most other posters?

I read the op as being the OP was willing to pay for them both to go on holiday but her DP doesn't want to take time off to go on holiday.

If that's the case then OP YANBU

Mitzimaybe · 05/11/2014 22:01

I don't want to rub his nose in it. I'll have to go somewhere or do an activity holiday which equates to a different interest. Something he doesn't want to do

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, so I hope this solution works for you both. My DP and I have a somewhat similar situation. I have more holiday and more money than he does, so most years I have a holiday alone, as well as one or more together which I sometimes subsidise. However, for my solo trips I go to places he doesn't want to go and that way he doesn't feel he's missing out. Might have to re-think this when we get married next year as we are planning to pool our income and share it 50:50.

notagainffffffffs · 05/11/2014 22:04

Hmmmmm hard one! Im self employed so I hate taking time off, I do see his point as time off is time away from clients.

If he's the bloke yoy want to marry one day then be kind and wait until the new year, but if its more just for right now then go and enjoy yourself

simontowers2 · 05/11/2014 22:05

This relationship sounds doomed. Sorry.

Greythorne · 05/11/2014 22:08

If the key thing is that he can't take Any more holiday time, why OP, did you tell us all about how you pay for stuff, your inheritance, his low pay etc.?

Gennz · 05/11/2014 22:13

Am I reading the same thread as everyone else? OP, YA definitey NBU to go on holiday by yourself if your partner doesn't want to take time off.

Moreover the relationship is not doomed because of the income disparity/financial arrangements! When DH and I were younger (pre marriage and shared assets) we lived together (shared a room in a shared flat) & had a joint account to save for a house but all of our finances were separate. DH earnt a lot more than me (like double) and I think we split the rent but he covered more bills, dinners out etc. I can't remember exactly. He still had a lot more disposable cash than me and did go away without me, on ski trips with mates etc. I don't agree that living together automatically means all assets and income must be pooled.

Anyway when we got married and bought a house our finances became joint, (the gaps between our salaries also narrowed) now I'm on maternity leave and the joint arrangement works well, given I'm making career sacrifices (and physical ones!) to enable us both to be parents. If we were in a childless relationshio with no joint assets and wildly divergent incomes & interests then separate could well be a better arrangement.

Stylecraft · 05/11/2014 22:30

I do think that when co-habiting pre-marriage, pre-kids, it is wise to think about protecting your own house, own money etc should stuff go wrong. That is one thing. But if you live together surely you then become a unit and should make joint decisions about stuff regarding day to day expenditure and what you can afford or not afford? He is either your partner or a cocklodger. Not sure from how you have described him, Op.

WowWowSauce · 05/11/2014 22:40

It sounds as though he can afford it; he just chooses different priorities than travelling with the OP. It also sounds as though she's been generous with holidays already, having paid for the previous ones. Why on earth should she pay him a wage to go on holiday as well? She isn't saying she won't pay for the holiday, only that he doesn't choose to go with her and can she still go?

OP: If I were in your position, I would go anyplace I wanted to. Let him know where you're planning to go and when. If the holidays are a priority to him, he'll go; if not, he won't He can hardly moan about it if he had the chance and went to play sports instead.

I'm also self employed and take very little time off; i also have sports that I go away for. I'd split my available holiday time though, about 70% to partner/holiday and 30% sports. It's all about how you choose to prioritise your resources.

Original poster

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 05/11/2014 22:44

Grey
only because - if you're self employed, every day off costs you money in lost earnings and he can't afford/doesn't want to lose any more earning days.

we've had a couple of minibreaks in the UK this year, he'd love to go away again but he doesn't want to lose another week of earning - which I entirely understand.

I just don't want to wither on the vine without living life to the full which I have the chance to do, even if he has to spend the time working. Why should both of us lose out?. I am conscious of my life galloping away towards old age and infirmity. I don't want to put my life on hold for another 10 years or more until he retires. (If I help him out financially any more than I already do in many many ways, then I really would be blatantly keeping him and that would be disastrous. As it is, we've lasted 20 years so far (but never yet holidayed apart))

to all the posters who think IANBU!

OP posts:

Inertia · 05/11/2014 22:45

OK, I did read 'can't afford to lose more working days' in terms of the loss of income rather than time.

If he has a hobby which uses up a lot of his disposable income then that does put rather a different spin on it- I'd interpreted the original messages to suggest that he was earning just enough to scrape by. Given the new information, I think it's reasonable to suggest the holiday is an alternative method for you to pursue your interests, just as he pursues his hobby independently.

CMP69 · 05/11/2014 22:47

I see where you are coming from. However if you are a couple there has to be a sharing of finances. DH and I earn vastly different amounts. We both get paid into individual accounts. We then pay a percentage into a joint current and savings account. Holidays etc comes out of that. So DH pays more than I do for everything but he earns more so fair enough.
Or it is to us anyway

ThePinkOcelot · 05/11/2014 22:53

Yet another AIBU, no I'm not thread!!! Yawn smilley.

CMP69 · 05/11/2014 22:56

Oh also my Dad was self employed and only went on holiday for 2 weeks every year. I remember him working until midnight on Christmas Eve so he got paid before he stopped working for 3-5 days depending on when Christmas fell. Taking holidays if you are a one man band is not that easy

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