To expect friends to keep half an eye out for me at pick up time?

[LemonadeRayGun]

DH said I ABU, and that I am an "anomaly", so I am prepared to be told that by you lot too :)

I was running late today to pick up. Not hugely late, but late enough. When I got there, all my friends had collected their kids and gone, my son was stood there waiting for me with a teacher. The way the school works is all the parents stand at the bottom of the hill, classes are lead out and kids dismissed by their teacher.

My friends and I always stand in the same place. Yesterday one of my friends wasn't there, and I asked another friend who said she hadn't seen her car. So I rang her to see if everything was ok. Last week I spotted my neighbours son hadnt been collected, so I called my neighbour who was running late, and I said I would collect him and start walking home. I'm always alert if I see a child whose parents I know well hasn't been picked up and will make sure they are ok.

Clearly, none of my friends feel this way or notice this. AIbU to be a bit sad about that? I know my kids aren't their responsibility, and I shouldn't have been late (I don't even have a good excuse!) but I would have noticed if s friends kid was stood with the teacher and called said friend, or waited to check they got collected.

DH says I am "unusual" lol

Depends. Just because you do something, it doesnt mean everyone should, and your friends may all have had things to do/commitments which meant they couldnt stay.

They may also not appreciate you chasing them up when they are running late.

Our school won't let the child leave with anyone unless they have a note. So even if a friend noticed my kids hadn't been picked up they wouldn't be able to take them. Would your friends have enough car seats? Maybe they are shooting straight off to swimming or ballet?

Tbh I might feel a bit irritated if someone asked me if I was OK just because I was a bit late.

I'm with you. I have been late a few times and my school mum friends have been hanging around to make sure I turn up. The only thing is some days I am rushing off myself straight after school to clubs etc so sometimes I may not have noticed my friends kids left behind for a while.

I tend to text my school mum friends if I'm running late so then they know to look out.

I'd be pretty angry if the school let my child off with someone I hadn't designated. And pretty angry with you for taking them as well. You should consider stopping.

If I want someone to collect my child I'll ask them...

Just to clarify, I would never try to take a child without a parents permission!! It didn't occur to me that people might not like me waiting to see if their kids are ok, or calling them to see if I can help!

I've collected my neighbours kid loads in the past so his teacher knows me and knows I am his neighbour so I guess I am seen as a designated person who can collect him.

Interesting views though, thank you, hadn't looked at it that way.

If you have their number they have yours? In which case wouldn't they ring if they needed a hand? You sound nice but like you take on other people's problems a bit too readily perhaps?

I wouldn't be impressed if someone rung me for being a few minutes late, and I would feel quite patronised if my friends felt like they had to wait for me to collect my own child, who would be safe in their care of their teacher.

Sorry, YABU. And teachers should not be letting kids leave with other people without specific permission from their parent/guardian.

I would think you were a nosy Parker who needed a hobby if you rang me and tried to collect my child on my behalf just because I am always was running a few minutes late. Sorry.

I would find it irritating and nosey if people phoned to see where I was!

I know you're coming from a good place but I would also be irritated if you called me if I was running late. I would find it a bit interfering!

DH says I am too nice :) but yes I guess maybe I do like to help and I probably just end up being annoying!

You are right, my friends could call if they needed help. People don't always like to ask though, do they? I guess I think sometimes it is nice to offer help. I treat others how I hope to be treated, this doesn't always work though as everyone is different :) i should have called one of my friends today but I don't like to inconvenience people so I never ask for help. It's nice (for me) when people offer.

But I appreciate that not everyone wants that...

I just need to know that the kids are clear who is picking them up, and that they go with someone else under no circumstances.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but these are fellow parents with whom you are friendly. Their priority is getting their kid to and from school. I am one of those parents who leave quickly just so that I don't spend additional time at school. Maybe your friends have 3 kids to get the tea on for, or an after school activity to get to, or maybe they just need to get home. Give your friends some breathing space. It's the school's place to sort out children whose parents are running late. You sound like a nice parent and you're coming from a place of kindness. And certainly your friends know this about you. The lesson here is to just let the school deal with late parents. You don't have to and neither do the other parents. Lower your expectations a bit and you won't be disappointed. I really mean that nicely, I promise.

And to clarify again, I am not on the phone to everyone every day who isn't there by 30 seconds after pick up! Haha I am coming off really badly here :) just for close friends, who have asked me to collect their kids in the past, I might call or text and ask if they want me to help.

I am close enough to the people who I do this for to ask them all if they find it annoying! I may do that, I could have been driving them mad all this time! :-D

I'm sorry op but that would irritate me and it would feel like an invasion of my private life. I know I'm a more private than average person but as far as I'm concerned the care and well being of my child when a school is the teachers and not my friends. I would fell like I was being shown up if a friend was waiting after pick up to see if I or my child was ok because I was late. And I wouldn't like a friend phoning me asking if I wanted them to collect dc because I was late. If I want someone else to collect my child because I'm running late then I will arrange something myself. I wouldn't mind a text later in the evening along the lines of "sorry I missed you at pick up maybe see you tomorrow" kind of thing. I would be comfortable with this level of caring but not more.

Thing is, how much help is it going to be anyway? Presumably the late parent is a only a couple of minutes away from school anyway by the time you ring. It's probably easiest for them just to carry on to the school and pick their child up as normal.

I might watch out for friends' DCs if it weren't a day when we were running off for an after-school club/swimming lesson. I have texted friends if I didn't see them in the morning, to check everything is ok.

But pick-up of my DCs is my responsibility and if I'm running late, it happens to us all once in a while, I would be the one texting/phoning a friend I knew would be there and waiting for a reply, rather than taking it for granted that they would spot I wasn't there and help.

Also, our school wouldn't just let the children go home with whoever, possible exceptions made where the teacher knows there is a regular reciprocal arrangement in place.

Fair enough apocalypsethen I do understand that, and I wouldn't want my kids going home with just anyone either - but there are certain people who are designated to be able to collect them as it can't always be me. I am one of these people for my neighbours son.

When I called my friend yesterday I just asked if she was ok, I didn't try to steal her kids I was just concerned about her!

I've never taken a child I am not designated to do so.

I'm sure you are lovely OP but if you are going to be nice, you can't then get upset because people don't live up to your high standards, or you will be on a hiding to nothing.

I've had this experience with friends who have been upset with me and I've been baffled as to what I've done. It has turned out that I haven't been as nice/helpful to them as they think I should be and have taken this as a slight. It wasn't.

Ok I accept I am being unreasonable :) I will tell DH he was right.

I still think I am allowed to be a bit sad that no one noticed I wasn't there and I haven't even had a text or anything... But I am probably quite a needy friend.

Thanks Mumsnet, I will reign in my irritating, invasive ways! I appreciate all the replies, honestly. I will stop trying to be a helper. DH has told me before I have issues with this, dammit he was right!

Thanks x

When I called my friend yesterday I just asked if she was ok, I didn't try to steal her kids I was just concerned about her!

Oh I know, and you were being kind, I would just hate for them to get into the habit of thinking that you can go with someone other than the person you were told is picking you up.

Wow op, I hope your friends are nicer than this lot.

I think you sound lovely and would greatly appreciate you checking I was ok. As a single parent if something had happened there wouldn't be anyone to collect dd and the teachers hardly likely to take her home.

Erm sorry but you do sound a bit needy.