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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if my appearance is putting potential 'suitors' off

81 replies

Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 16:23

Hm.

Now much as I'd love to believe my darling late father was right and I am beautiful it has to be said, I'm not. I'm certainly plain. I'm 33, and not having any luck in the meeting someone conventional routes of work, hobbies, ventured into online dating in April. One date resulted from this. I
He did not get back in touch after I texted to say lovely evening, must do it again I messaged a few others. Most ignored me but one replied to say I seemed lovely but was not his 'type'.

Then father died so all mad for a while. Tried a different dating site - nada, and then another, nothing.

I've concluded I must look dog rough ... I do wonder if most relationships are forged in the prime of youth when both are still quite attractive and over the years love grows to an extent so that gaining of weight and stretch marks and loss of teeth just don't matter, but having missed that boat my very ordinary looks just won't appeal?

Or am I wrong?

I hope I'm wrong, but the evidence doesn't look hopeful!

OP posts:

Venticoffeecup · 04/11/2014 16:31

I don't think you can jump to conclusions on the basis of one date.

If I were you, I would ask a friend to review your profile and your photographs. You may well have written something that seems perfectly acceptable to you, but puts people off. Or your photographs may not be showing you in the best light.

One thing I was told was that people fall into a trap of making their profiles long lists of what they want in a partner, without saying much about themselves or what they have to offer someone. Perhaps you need to change the wording a bit?

EatShitDezza · 04/11/2014 16:32

I'm 24 and still looking. I hardly get to a second date and if do it's the last.

I fuck up somewhere but haven't quite worked out how yet.

If you look dog rough then so do I

CruCru · 04/11/2014 16:34

You sound very hard on yourself. You do know that online dating is pretty brutal and MUCH easier for men than women? You need a very thick skin not to be upset by it.

Without seeing you, I don't know whether you are pretty or plain. However, even if you aren't conventionally pretty, you can be attractive.

missmodular2 · 04/11/2014 16:35

You seem to be very focused on your looks. Please don't. What's your personality like? Do you have any interests or hobbies? What personality traits do you look for in a partner? Thirties is still pretty young in my book, and most thirty something's are still beautifully youthful.

Flexibilityisaghost · 04/11/2014 16:35

I know some really lovely looking women who are single and struggling to find partners. I don't think it is all about looks. TBH I think luck plays a big part in it.

YouAreMyRain · 04/11/2014 16:36

I honestly don't think it's about looks, I believe it's about being cheerful and confident. Every date I went on (about 7) wanted to see me again and I am fat and plain.

I went on each date with the attitude that it was fun to meet new people and chat to them, and that anything else was a potential bonus. I was not desperate for a relationship, I thought "if I fancy them then they are lucky" and I think my confidence showed.

dessertisland · 04/11/2014 16:38

Honestly unless there's more to it than just being "plain" I doubt looks are the issue really, I know many, shall we say, not conventionally attractive women who have found long term partners will relative ease and I think most men are realistic that they won't find a page 3 supermodel and will in fact give the rest of us a chance.

CruCru · 04/11/2014 16:39

If you feel plain, you may project "plain". Some things that may help:

A great dentist (don't scrimp on this)
a good hairdresser (ditto)

I assume you don't wear glasses? If so, get good ones.

Regular exercise (20 min jog) will make you more toned and feel better about yourself.

Make the effort to put some makeup on (but not lots). Other women do.

Clothes - please don't only wear black to fade into the background.

Original poster

Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 16:39

Thanks :) Have shared with friends, one friend even wrote my profile for me (it was that "sort" of website, I wasn't just being lazy! )

I agree you can't judge on the basis of one date, but surely eight months and three websites you would expect more than one date??

I suppose I'm focused on my looks as it's the flaw I can see: most people seem to think I'm rather nice and I'm well educated, solvent, etc. So I suppose I'm thinking it must be my appearance that's meaning I'm not drawing them in!

OP posts:

CruCru · 04/11/2014 16:39

Sorry, I'm sure you know all of that.

Original poster

Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 16:41

Cru, I do all of those things. Apart from the jogging! I couldn't run the length of myself but I do exercise.

Teeth are thankfully good - straight and white. This has been commented on favourably by others. Hair is highlighted every 6 weeks. I wear makeup - I have to really due to scarring.

It's more being plain. I am wondering if, at 33, you have to be really rather lovely (as many of the women on the sites are) to be noticed.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 04/11/2014 16:46

I haven't done online dating, although I have looked at a few profiles, but I would guess that you might have to have quite a few dates before you meet someone you click with - its hard to tell what people are like from the written word and photos.

I very much doubt it is the way you look, appearance and finding someone 'attractive' is such an individual thing.

From my own experience of looking at photos on profiles, I don't put an awful lot of stock on what people look like - if they look kind and friendly and smiley I will notice their picture. I'm more influenced by what people write about themselves.

So I agree, get a friend to look over what you have written, also what type of man have you specified you are interested in? - Don't be too restricted in your age range or type of man.

Good luck

curlyweasel · 04/11/2014 16:53

If it's any consolation, I didn't find Mr Right until I was 42. I would have classed myself as nice looking/outgoing personality/bright etc all through my 30s, but I couldn't get a sniff (or if I could, they weren't right for me). So, now I'm saggier, baggier, wrinklier and less lovely generally but seemingly more attractive? Probably not. Some of us have to wait. Enjoy your freedom - it will happen! xxxx

ouryve · 04/11/2014 16:55

You know what? Even if you were butt ugly (and I doubt that you are because I can't even remember when I last saw someone whose looks made me genuinely want to look away), then if people weren't wanting to date you because of that, you're instantly filtering out an awful lot of shallow, callous people that you wouldn't want to waste your time on, in the first place.

milkpudding · 04/11/2014 17:40

I don't know whether it is your looks, bad luck, bad chemistry or something else that is leading to your lack of success
But online dating can be very superficial
Ask honest friends to critique your profile picture and text
Honest male friends if you have them
If you are turning up to a first date (or in your profile pic) looking quite plain e.g. no makeup, clothes that don't accentuate your figure or colouring, bad hair, look into how to correct this as on first dates people can make a snap judgement, you want to show your most attractive side

I really liked the book The Single Trap by Andrew G Marshall, it helped me meet my husband. It examines lots of reasons for being long term single.

milkpudding · 04/11/2014 17:42

Sorry if my message sounded abrupt, I am trying to type quickly on phone before baby finishes feeding
I was awful at online dating, I never figured out why
I found sports clubs a good way of getting to know men

WipsGlitter · 04/11/2014 17:44

Are you just waiting for people to contact you or are you contacting them?

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 04/11/2014 17:47

A quick walk around the average town on a Sat afternoon will tell you that plenty of plain people get together and have families. It's not about looks, although of course being stunning makes it easier to attract a mate who is quite superficial- this is not always an advantage if they continue in this pattern and trade you in!

You don't need hundreds of men, just one really nice one who likes you, your personality and the way you look right now- and that is certainly doable. People do have relationships and dates long after their 'prime'- there's plenty of people in the 50-80 age group dating so it can't all be about the looks (however nice looking you are at this age, there are saggier and baggier bits compared say with a 25 year old, that's life).

LaurieFairyCake · 04/11/2014 17:47

It's not your looks. I went speed dating with a friend as a favour - out of the 23 men I met, 20 wanted to date me and 3 wanted to be friends.

I'm 3 stone overweight, short, dumpy, over 40 - but am very bubbly and confident.

Best ego boost ever.

Original poster

Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 17:57

I suppose the problem is, it's not that I'm getting list of dates but they aren't going any further - I'm not getting them at all which I gather is a bit unusual. I don't really have any male friends but my friends who've seen my profile (taken it down now) have said it's fine and to be honest having looked at it objectively I think it's fine too (have degree in English so would hope I have reasonable communication skills!)

I know what you mean about the plain people but I suppose I am wondering if they got together when young and plain! Tends to be more choice then as well.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 04/11/2014 18:00

I'll ask again... Are you asking people too or waiting to be asked ?

Any consolation, I didn't meet DP until I was 33, still together, two kids. Set up by a friend.

velouria · 04/11/2014 18:00

I'm the same age, short, fat and almost certainly uglier than you and in the same position. Looking for a new partner I mean.

I'm a member of pof, it's odd I had a really detailed profile and got a few messages, a couple of dates, one of which did the lets be friends talk, the other was an obvious perv who did keep in touch with and maybe shagged last week .

I deleted my profile and did a halfarsed one with a monty python quote as a headline and flyfishing as an interest and boom loads of messages, really odd :S.

waithorse · 04/11/2014 18:07

You do sound lovely. Hope you find someone soon. I do agree it's not really about looks. Finding a soul mate is a big deal, sometimes it takes a while.

waithorse · 04/11/2014 18:07

You do sound lovely. Hope you find someone soon. I do agree it's not really about looks. Finding a soul mate is a big deal, sometimes it takes a while.

Justwhateverreally · 04/11/2014 18:15

I understand where you're coming from, I photograph really badly (I know, everyone says that because they can't accept that is what they actually look like etc etc.... But I do genuinely seem to get much better responses from men in real life than from my online pics).
I think that online dating can be very superficial and perhaps isn't the best way for those of us who are a bit plain to meet people. I gave up for that reason.

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