Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my appearance is putting potential 'suitors' off

81 replies

Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 16:23

Hm.

Now much as I'd love to believe my darling late father was right and I am beautiful it has to be said, I'm not. I'm certainly plain. I'm 33, and not having any luck in the meeting someone conventional routes of work, hobbies, ventured into online dating in April. One date resulted from this. I
He did not get back in touch after I texted to say lovely evening, must do it again Blush I messaged a few others. Most ignored me but one replied to say I seemed lovely but was not his 'type'.

Then father died so all mad for a while. Tried a different dating site - nada, and then another, nothing. Blush

I've concluded I must look dog rough ... I do wonder if most relationships are forged in the prime of youth when both are still quite attractive and over the years love grows to an extent so that gaining of weight and stretch marks and loss of teeth just don't matter, but having missed that boat my very ordinary looks just won't appeal?

Or am I wrong?

I hope I'm wrong, but the evidence doesn't look hopeful!

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 04/11/2014 18:21

If its any consolation, a friend of mine, who is a widower, tried online dating for ages - he got vey few responses, and the couple if people who did answer didn't get back to him.(He looks fine and we all helped with his profile, so no idea what the problem was) But he persevered and has now met a lovely woman, they have been going out for a while and all seems to be going very nicely for them.

So don't give up hope - sometimes these things just take time, but it only takes one person for you to find someone special, and you might have loads, or very few takers before that special person comes along. In the end the number of responses makes no difference to the outcome.

I suppose a crude analogy might be selling your house - you can have umpteen viewers but not sell, or you can wait months and the first person who comes falls in love with your house and buys. Its not a predictable thing.

Smile
Original poster
Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 18:24

That's very true Kurri :)

Wips, there's really no need for that level of rudeness especially when the answer is in my opening post!

Thanks for lovely comments :)

OP posts:
Poofus · 04/11/2014 18:29

Is it your photos? Not necessarily how you look, but how you look in the photos that's the issue?

Original poster
Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 19:04

Probably. But they're as flattering as can be without actually being of someone else if you see what I mean! Wink

OP posts:
ChickenMe · 04/11/2014 19:06

I recommend The Single Trap too.

You sound like an amusing sort of person with an endearing personality. You will definitely attract s/o.
I do pick up on you being a bit self-deprecating/resigned about yourself and maybe this comes across more than intended. So it's like you're inadvertently saying "hey it's only me". (Hope you don't mind me saying this, I just picked up on it). I think being disparaging about yourself could indicate (to your date) a lack of confidence. You do lack confidence in your looks and the cynical humour is perhaps intended to be a "distraction"; I wonder if it makes people uncomfortable and you're unwittingly putting that across in your profile? So I say, fix the lack of confidence and you will feel more relaxed and natural.

I didn't meet OH till I was 35 Shock!!

I too had issues with not believing I was attractive when I was younger. (I'm fine now). And, looking at old pix I wish I had believed it because I was a flipping size 6 Envy and looked great! But I never met any decent guys at all. I know now the fact that I didnt really like myself showed on the outside.

I gave dating a break and immersed myself in things I loved doing and also got a bit of therapy and that really did help me to be in the right place mentally to meet my OH.

Hope I am not out of line or offensive in interpreting things! Just I will never forget being perpetually single and fed up and never understanding how I could change it and everyone just saying "oh there's nothing wrong with you.."

pippinleaf · 04/11/2014 19:08

I agree with those who have said to get an honest friend to review your profile pics and statements. I met my hubbie online at 36 and my photos, and me, are not glam at all - I deliberately posted ordinary looking pics as I didn't want someone being disappointed! Stick at it. One date does not a hopeless failure make Thanks

MsMsMsNOTMRS · 04/11/2014 19:14

Don't give up hope. If a man doesn't like you as you are, then better off without him! It's not about being plain.

However, everyone likes to think that their date has made an effort - I love my DH wearing trackie bottoms around the place, but wouldn't be too impressed if he turned up to a first date wearing them. Make sure your pics are flattering but not misrepresentative, and look groomed and wear your best things. Show interest in the man on a date, but as others say, be confident in your own value and you won't come off as desperate.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/11/2014 19:21

I did a lovely profile and got zilch interest then I asked a male friend to browse the site and show me who he would contact, and then redid my profile accordingly.

Much shorter, lighter and easier to approach, put a heading in which was a little bit flirty, and got lots of replies.

Now unfortuneately, I knew my photo was not accurate and I didn't follow up any. I'll wait until I have some confidence back and dare to put more ugly photos of me up, me now vs me was.

Original poster
Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 19:26

Oh, I'm not offended. I'm going for a slightly self-deprecating tone here primarily because AIBU can be a wee bit brutal and I was hoping to avoid any accusations of self pity and the like (and I'm really NOT, I'm fairly happy single, but I would like to meet somebody at the same time.)

I do think the primary issue is that I'm just not eye catching enough - some of the women are gorgeous. I've read The Single Trap or part of it anyway (belongs to my brother) and to my surprised couldn't identify at all although objectively I could see his advice was good it was more about people who ended up in unsuitable relationships rather than those who couldn't pull a Christmas cracker in the first place like yours truly Grin

OP posts:
Messygirl · 04/11/2014 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/11/2014 19:43

I didn't post a pic when I was OLD. Instead I wrote that I wasn't ugly, had beautiful lips and a nose so perfect that it is the #1 nose requested from plastic surgeons.Grin. I agree that an interesting heading and humorous profile are more important than the photo.

AyMamita · 04/11/2014 21:19

You mentined that your friend wrote your profile... are you on mysinglefriend by any chance? that site isn't very good, seems to be very small (ie not many people on it) and in my experience most men on there are looking for much younger women. I get almost no interest on MSF but am mobbed on OKCupid Wink

AyMamita · 04/11/2014 21:19

by the way, if you were being literal when you mentioned missing teeth, yes that probably would put most men off...

cerealqueen · 04/11/2014 21:24

I hate having my photo taken as I look like a witch and this is what I would do. If the photo thing really bothers you, how about a professional shot? Its still you, just you looking your best. Everybody puts up the best photo. When I did online dating, often the guys didn't look like their photo but I accepted that it was their 'best shot' and was keener on getting to know them. Revisit your profile and ask a man to look at it, do you know anybosdy who would help?

cerealqueen · 04/11/2014 21:27

PS. 33 you are not at your prime yet.

Apparently cycling is a sure fie way of meeting men. (if you were at all inclined to like it)

Original poster
Raininginnovember · 04/11/2014 21:28

I don't know what you mean about missing teeth. I said I was lucky as my teeth were good Confused did you mix me with somebody else?

I tried MSF but have also tried two other sites so I do genuinely think I'm not particularly appealing to them! Still, I liked the house analogy.

OP posts:
silversixpence · 05/11/2014 07:39

I think its because you mentioned 'loss of teeth' in your OP!

I have a friend in a similar situation, it is very hard to see her confidence getting knocked down and she is lonely Sad unfortunately the process does seem very superficial.

Original poster
Raininginnovember · 05/11/2014 07:46

Yes, but I didn't mean me! I said that if a couple had been together a long time, things like stretch marks, losing teeth and weight gain wouldn't matter.

That doesn't mean I am a toothless, overweight person covered in stretch marks!

OP posts:
toriuk · 05/11/2014 07:47

I wouldn't worry. Only difference if you were stunning is you'd get more offers for sex and youd be sending texts the next day that they ignore. Trust me. There are plenty of pig ugly people that are married.

JimmySilentHill · 05/11/2014 07:51

I met DH on My Single Friend so am very positive about that site!! I was also 34 at the time. I contacted him first but got no response. Then I updated my photos/edited my part of the profile (you can't edit what your friend writes) and he responded. I asked him about that when we were together. He preferred my 2nd photo. The first one was too staged (it was!) The first had me dolled up, the second I took a selfie at home in my jeans and vest top. He said I looked really natural. I also made my profile really honest. I was intimidated by the other women in the same age bracket who were all about skiing trips and other exciting lifestyles. I decided to be honest and wrote about tv shows and food. It worked! He said I wasn't intimidating. The interesting thing was that I was on there for 4 months with no interest at all until I made these changes. Then all of a sudden I had lots of interest. I think I'm plain but he doesn't agree. Are you contacting people too? That was also one of my initial mistakes. I think it's lovely to be contacted first, made me feel special. It's the same for the men too.

Original poster
Raininginnovember · 05/11/2014 07:54

Yeah I tried that. I think I'd feel a bit more encouraged if I got some sort of response on there - as it is if I send messages they're ignored and on the odd occasion I do get a message it's from someone several hours away, often in their fifties!

Anyway I don't think it will work for me - and finances are a little tight so I don't want to waste money but I did wonder if it was possible to just be not attractive enough for OD at any rate. Real life is different as you get to know the 'person'.

OP posts:
JimmySilentHill · 05/11/2014 08:00

I did this for a while Spice

Don't be put off by the front page. The activities I did were all of the pub quiz/comedy club type! I met lots of people and had a great time. And they were all local people too.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 05/11/2014 08:03

I wouldn't do things like make-up if you don't enjoy make-up normally, there are plenty of guys who aren't into it, and you'll be a lot better off being with someone who matches you. That applies to everything of course.

Don't be hung up on looks, although it does matter disproportionately on dating sites, can you not find some other roués to meeting people, stuff that's less looks focused by giving you the chance to meet first?

For me, in my 30's and single, it was just doing stuff to change self confidence levels that led me to meet my wife

ComradePlexiglass · 05/11/2014 08:05

You are making me smile! Maybe you should change your profile to read: Toothless, overweight, stretchmarked woman seeks soul mate. Or some such bollocks. Hope your sense of humour is shining through in your profile as you sound really funny in your posts and that is very attractive. Agree with others that this may be masking underconfidence at times though. Tis often the way. Do you have lots of sympathetic, funny, nice friends/family to talk to in real life? I would ask them for honest but gentle advice, if you feel strong enough to hear it. Good luck. x

Stupidhead · 05/11/2014 08:22

There's a shoe for every foot and a lid for every pan Grin

I like the headline of 'toothless old bag (or whatever)' that'll rule out the 'playahs'. Take a great head and shoulders (ahem photoshop...) and a full length of you smiling/laughing. Stop apologising or being grateful in your profile for them bothering to look at your self diagnosed plain-ness. The aim of the game is for them to win YOU. You are the prize here.

A friend of mine (actually met him OD) wasn't getting any dates, he's a really funny guy but he asked me to look over his new profile and it was all doom and gloom. I rewrote it but he changed it back. He's still single.

I'd also look into some therapy to deal with the mental legacy your father has left you with. It's bullshit x