To wonder if my appearance is putting potential 'suitors' off

[Raininginnovember]

Hm.

Now much as I'd love to believe my darling late father was right and I am beautiful it has to be said, I'm not. I'm certainly plain. I'm 33, and not having any luck in the meeting someone conventional routes of work, hobbies, ventured into online dating in April. One date resulted from this. I
He did not get back in touch after I texted to say lovely evening, must do it again I messaged a few others. Most ignored me but one replied to say I seemed lovely but was not his 'type'.

Then father died so all mad for a while. Tried a different dating site - nada, and then another, nothing.

I've concluded I must look dog rough ... I do wonder if most relationships are forged in the prime of youth when both are still quite attractive and over the years love grows to an extent so that gaining of weight and stretch marks and loss of teeth just don't matter, but having missed that boat my very ordinary looks just won't appeal?

Or am I wrong?

I hope I'm wrong, but the evidence doesn't look hopeful!

Just realised you are on my single friend - I spent AGES doing a profile for my friend on there and she also got no bites, and she's very pretty.

We asked around a bit as was very surprised. Got told MSF is for a very specific type of person and tends to be rather cliquey. It makes sense as my friend went on other sites and got lots of dates, and got married this year to someone she met on a niche interests site (vegan).

Toothless, overweight, stretchmarked woman seeks soul mate.

Bottom has some good suggestions.

Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description.

Minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat.

Have to say I disagree with the earlier poster who said it is easier for men. In my experience (as a man), it most definitely isn't.

OP, what you have to remember, no matter what advice you get, is that it is, predominantly luck. It can depend on where you live (obviously, if you are in a rural area, there will be far fewer people nearby). You can have the best profile and photos in the world and not necessarily get loads of dates.

I did online dating for over two years and met TWO women. I did my own profile, got friends to write them and choose photos. Got them to check my messages. They couldn't understand it either. I have a single friend who is attractive, outgoing, interesting, dresses well, various hobbies. She never met anyone in real life and she certainly projected neither "not liking herself" or being cocky. She has done quite a lot of online dating and even she hasn't had a great many dates. She has now been single for eight years and thinks she now has missed the boat for having children.

So, the truth, very often, is that it has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

I didn't think Wips was rude to you, OP.

I don't know, have you asked friends/friendly acquaintances how you come across, perhaps? Some self-deprecating people that I know (and like very much) are self-deprecating on the surface only, they are quite thin-skinned, easy to hurt where none is intended, and have a tendency to chippy, which is probably down to self-preservation.

It's a package anyway; some people do have a type and some people do rely on feelings of chemistry. If they don't feel that chemistry right away, they move on.

Do you socialise with people at work? Meeting in RL under an 'anything but dating' guise would possibly give better results as people would get to know you.

OP, this is a book I was recommended that I really liked, and helped me be kinder to myself:

It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single by Sara Eckel

I have several other friends in a similar boat to you (and me!) who enjoyed it. I disagree with describing yourself as 'plain' - you're not bland, or boring, or without interest. Give me a second and I'll find that Roald Dahl quote to put across what I'm saying.

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

So since you have all your own teeth you must be stunning.

'You sound very hard on yourself. You do know that online dating is pretty brutal and MUCH easier for men than women? You need a very thick skin not to be upset by it.'

Really? I always thought it was much easier for women, in that they have the pick of men on the site. Women are far more discriminating and less assertive. Not only are men far more likely to reply to emails and agree to propositions, but are vastly more likely to initiate contact in the first place. OKCupid have published an extensive analysis of their statistics on this.

WRT online dating; POF is ok, but you get what you (don't) pay for. If you're left-leaning and/or a member of the 'metropolitan elite', I'd strongly recommend the Guardian dating site. If you're quite political or sex-oriented, I'd recommend OKCupid (as it has some fairly sophisticated filters along these lines).

Please don't be disheartened by one date not wanting to follow up. Like job applications, it's a numbers game. You may have to try a hundred times to get lucky once. It's not a reflection on you; it just takes time to find someone you're completely compatible with.

I am on guardian soulmates well just taken down profile!

Initially I tried MSF but then match then guardian. I had one date from match - that's it.

I don't socialise much at work at the moment as I'm quite new but I used to in my old job. I'm not chippy :) But even if I was, no ones finding out anything about me as I get nowhere.

Anyway not to worry I'm sure if it's meant to be and all that!

Don't be disheartened it was only one date. If you weren't right for him that's totally ok. Not everyone is right for you either. Just keep on dating. If anything you might get a better idea of what you want/don't want in a person by dating. There is someone for everyone!

Have you joined any clubs or social groups that aren't primarily focussed on dating? That way people get to see the whole package rather than just photo and write up. A friend goes to local social group meet ups where they do all sorts of fun activities. Or the library might have details of clubs suvh as hiking, or whatever you are into

I met my DH on plenty of fish. You have to be a bit pro active. The guys who contact you online are often total tossers. You have to weed out a lot of shite and contact the ones who interest you.

My friend was single to the age of 42, and is extremely attractive. She tried all the usual dating sites in recent years, and found them all lacking: MSF too full of women, Match too full of serial dating men. She found love eventually on a "niche" (as someone upthread said) site, on a subject in which she had a particular interest. Another friend struck gold with EHarmony but then she is amazingly attractive and very rich .

Dh goes on a music site (not that I think he's looking for dates, it's for people who're into a certain music!) and there have been some romances there. Likewise I went on some boards about a place I like, and I was propositioned through the ether! I know that on some very popular Disney geek boards there have been loads of hook-ups. The important thing is to find something that is not too feminine. If you like, say, books, cats and sewing... nah.

Have you looked on okcupid? Especially their blog, which gives all sorts of insider information on what sort of profiles get messages.

Also, apparently wearing red and doing the upwards head tilt in photos gets results. I am short, and fat and not that young. I get about 8 visitors a week on my profile, but don't talk to them all because I'm a fussy bint.

Women outnumber men by something like 4 to 1 on dating sites - which is why the majority of men behave in the way they do online. They're like kids in a sweet shop.

It isn't you. really.

Thanks nancy :)

Yes just one date but no interest at all other than that one date which seems odd. (And yes I do message them too well I did before I left)

Like I say if it's meant to be ... We'll see.

I was 33 when I met my DH online. I am 6'1", overweight,size 11 feet and not particularly pretty. I would not have given his online profile a second glance but he persisted and I politely responded. We now have 3 kids. Don't give up. Maybe try some different websites.We emailed each other and spoke on phone a few times before we met.That gives you a bit more of an idea of the person before the first date. My husband is very shy but in his emails he was hilariously funny so I knew that humour was lurking beneath the initial shyness. Good luck.

I've had a tooth out, I'm mortally offended.

Met my current DP on PoF, and his predecessor. I am fat (and honest about it) and average looking but had plenty of offers (ranging from the polite to the obscenely borderline legal).

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a good - but not ridiculously edited - photo of you and a cheery profile go a long way.

I would try a different website. People say go on paid websites but I didn't get on with match.com myself but have met a lot of men from pof, including two longish term relationships. There are a lot of men on there and new people sign up every day.

It's nothing to do with youth that's for sure. I am half a century and the first time I put photos up I got 73 messages! Men really do read the profiles. Nearly all messages referred to something I had in my profile and most said it was funny and different from what other women put. Of course I can't see what other women put but I was just myself and didn't use a formula or put the obvious.

Every guy I met wanted to see me again, not because I am anything special (being half a century and all) but maybe I was friendly, interested in them, just myself,no airs and graces.

Don't be put off after only one date.

How often are you online? It might sound obvious but I got way more messages when I was actually online than not. So I would devote say 3 hours on a Sunday night to chatting online (pof) and just wait for the messages to flood in (!) Then you get into several conversations, a bit of banter and then before you know it they are asking to meet up.

Particular times are especially good too like late at night on a Sunday eg midnight as guys want to chat but there are not many women around. Or Monday morning, catch the shift workers - they'll talk to anyone.

It is very time-consuming though and did start to do my head in.

I agree with blow I think if you are going to try online you need to see it as a project and really devote some time to it. Not dip in and out.

My dad died wips - sorry if that sounded short but!

I stopped being a member of MSF after that then tried match for 3 months. The guardian.

Anyway thanks for comments - I don't think it's for me but never mind

I think wips was suggesting you could do that in future rather than criticising you for not committing to enough in the past?

to it enough