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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL - am i being unreasonable!

82 replies

MrsRumbles · 04/11/2014 15:46

Myself and my MIL are not getting along at present for many reasons, to many to go into on here, however, the fundamental issues I have with her is her lack of respect to us as parents, for example when DD was a baby my MIL would pass her around like a parcel to anyone and everyone (which I was not keen on but would overlook) the problem was when we asked her to not do so, or to stop as DD was getting a bit beyond, MIL would completely ignore my DH. It was if the rules did not apply to her. Since then I've had a falling out with her over taking photos, again I do not have a problem with it, it's how she goes about it.

My MIL claims she doesn't get to see my DD as much as she would like (she works 6 days per week) and feels like am always watching her with DD she so doesn't feel that comfortable. I informed her that till I know she will respect our wishes I will be with my DD when she visits.

However my problem today is this.....I only saw my MIL & FIL about 4 times a year, if that, before DD was born (been with DH now for 8 years). Whilst being pregnant I saw her maybe 4 times. We never met for coffee or to go shopping and would never go to hers for a coffee and chat, we just didn't do it. Now when she does have a day off she will text asking to meet (not to see me, but my DD). I don't hate her, we just have nothing in common and she drives me crazy with my DD she just doesn't listen to us. I would like to continue our relationship as before DD, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 04/11/2014 15:53

I really don't have a clue what you mean by getting a bit beyond.
Apart from that, I don't know if yabu or not. Are you sure you aren't just being too pfb and actually stopping her bonding?
It's good she wants to see your dd, just because she didn't see as much if you before, the woman's working 6 days a week but still tries to make how effort.
Having read that, it does sound more like yabu.

Davsmum · 04/11/2014 15:54

You cannot carry on as before, because now you have a child that is her grandchild and she will want to be involved to some degree,..plus it is good for your daughter to have a good close relationship with her Grandmother, whether you do or not.
It is a pity you do not get on with MiL but is it really THAT bad ? she works 6 days a week so it is not as if you have to put up with her too often?

Allstoppedup · 04/11/2014 15:55

I think so a little bit, but I can see why. Without knowing more back story, her 'crimes' don't seem too heinous and she just sounds a bit like an enthusiastic, doting GP.

I completely understand you need to lay down the law with regards to your rules etc but to expect your relationship to remain the same with regards to her only seeing your DD four times a year seems a little mean.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 04/11/2014 16:03

So people wanted to cuddle your dd, your mil is proud of her Nd takes photos!

She works 6 days a week And wants to see her gd and presumably her son at least 4 times a year?

Really op. Sorry but I have sons and daughters and would be heartbroken if my dil/sil treated me with so little love and respect.

You should think long and hard how you would feel if a future dil treated you like a nuisance and inconvenience.

Of there's a drip feed smd more to this then apologise but from your op you are being very unreasonable even cruel.

Original poster

MrsRumbles · 04/11/2014 16:05

Thanks everyone, good comments. I think sometimes you need people to tell you that your being unreasonable.

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 04/11/2014 16:10

No, no, no MrsRumbles! You're doing AIBU wrong, you need to start kicking off and/or do a massive drip feed to say that Mil tried to swap your pfb for a per una sparkly dress! Stop being so bloody reasonable fgs

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 04/11/2014 16:11

Well what a lovely comment op. You are quite right and it is easy to be in the middle of a situation and not see the wood got the trees.

Hope you can forge a relationship with mil that works got you both.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 04/11/2014 16:12

Allstoppedup · 04/11/2014 16:16

Applauds OP for being a decent AIBUer

You and your MIL DO have some common ground. You both love your DD. Hope you and your MIL manage to forge a new relationship you both feel comfortable with.

Original poster

MrsRumbles · 04/11/2014 16:16

To be honest TheJiminyConjecture I've not put the half of it on here. I can't believe that people think it's ok the MIL shows us no respect, however, I'm the one being cruel. Can't wait till am a MIL and I can do what I bloody well like!!

OP posts:

littlehayleyc · 04/11/2014 16:18

I think most people don't necessarily spend a lot of individual time with their in-laws until they have children. Unless your husband is a stay at home dad, then inevitably it's going to mean you'll be seeing more of your MIL on your own. Unless there is more to this, I think you are being unreasonable to expect your relationship with your in-laws to be the same as pre-children. I suppose you have a choice either to spend more time with your MIL or to trust her to babysit so that she can spend time with your child without you having to put up with her! Personally I'm lucky to get on will with my in-laws but I always try to treat my mother and mother in law the same when it comes to the children. I.E it's unfair for MIL to miss out on having a good relationship with the grandchildren, popping round for coffee, going out for the day etc just because it's her son's child rather than her daughter's.

HexBramble · 04/11/2014 16:19

OP more detail!
It sounds very much like YABU. without more info, you'll get the flaming. Dish the dirt and we may be able to help.

thewavesofthesea · 04/11/2014 16:20

I think the relationship you have with your in laws changes when you have children. I am really lucky in that my MIL is brill, and we have become closer since my kids were born. Embrace it; as you get to know her more you may find that you start to get on better. An ad your kids get older you will realise how important it is to forge good relationships as the children will benefit so much from being close to their grandparents too. We live 100+ miles from our parents and we have considered moving back towards them even though we prefer the area we are in now, because we can see howuch both the kids and the grandparents get from each other.

HappyAgainOneDay · 04/11/2014 16:29

I can't see anywhere how old your DC is, OP. How old is she?

Original poster

MrsRumbles · 04/11/2014 16:35

She is 14 months HappyAgainOneDay

OP posts:

Foxbiscuitselection · 04/11/2014 16:47

I do know what you mean by a baby getting beyond it. Unable to settle.

I think its normal to see IL's more when there's grandchildren on the scene.

The things you mention would make me continue with visits but not leave her alone with the child until she can be trusted.

What are the other things you mention?

youmustbejoking75 · 04/11/2014 17:06

I never understand why it's the ops job to facilitate a relationship with the dad's family. As if she hasn't enough to do already. If it suits you fine, if it doesn't I wouldn't worry. And maybe all of us should think about how we treat people before we want to play mammy when their baby comes along. Yanbu.

RunnerHasbeen · 04/11/2014 17:22

I think the trouble on this thread is that you aren't really giving examples of when she doesn't respect you or why you wouldn't trust her alone with the baby. If the rules she is ignoring are fairly minor, like calling DD a nickname or buying her the occasional gift then that is hugely different than smacking or not using a car seat all the time. The OP doesn't really say where on that spectrum your disagreements fall. What harm do you think will come to your DD if she spends an hour alone with her gran while you look round some shops?

It does sound like you expect no wiggle room in the decisions you make, however minor, and are confusing obedience with respect. Talk to your MIL and listen but try not to dictate unless it is important, think whether it is worth your DD losing the relationship over and whether you would like to be spoken to like that. My DCs have a lovely relationship with my DPs and ILs, not with the same rules we have at home, but a godsend when I've had to go into hospital and lovely for all of them - it would have to be something huge for me to put that at risk.

Obviously other posters have different family dynamics and are seeing it from their perspectives. My GPs died when I was tiny so I probably see the child-GP relationship as something I missed out on and romanticise it, so really you need to give examples so we can talk about your situation and not just project our own.

Original poster

MrsRumbles · 04/11/2014 17:25

Thank you for the last two comments.
I forgot to add to my op that my dh (their son) is allergic to cats, has been since being an adult, and when we met his parents had 1 cat which would make him ill, that cat passed away which we were a little happy about, however, a stray cat came along which was pregnant and now my mil and fil have 5 cats!! When we visit it makes my dh do ill for about a week, however, they just don't understand why we don't go round much. When dh says to his Mum that it makes him ill her reply is, it never used to and they both completely ignore the fact he is allergic to cats!!

OP posts:

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 04/11/2014 17:26

Well I really must be missing something here because your mil sounds a typical doting grandmother who hadn't committed anything like the really awful stuff we read of on here.

It is hard to sort of share your dcs especially the first one. but you have to remember they arnt ever your property, your responsibility but not your property. They have the right to form other relationships with siblings, grandparents and friends and it's your job to facilitate this even if it's not run in your terms. Your dc will have a different relationship with different people.

youmustbejoking of course it's not her job to facilitate a relationship with her partners family but unless they are absolutely impossible then surely you would see the benefit of encouraging nice relationships between the adults to teach your children how to develop relationships.

Sure my inlaws and my parents got in my nerves at times, sure I did on theirs but family life is about give and take isn't it?

Not sure about the ops comment about behaving as she likes when she's a mil? Surely you would behave as a nice human being wouldn't you?

Your mil probably goes ott at seeing her gc simply because she sees her so rarely!

If it's a drip feed then bloody drip but the crime of a mil cuddling a toddler, passing her to friends and taking photos is so normal it's not worth a mention.

Marylou62 · 04/11/2014 17:33

I must say that the NOT handing round a newborn is a new thing...My DC are 24, 21, 17 and it never even entered my head not to let them be cuddled...our neighbours actually pushed each other aside to be the first to cuddle DS2 aged 3 days...I thought it was lovely..

.maybe your MIL has old fashioned ideas but doesn't mean she cant be a fantastic Granny...My FIL gave my DS1 a biscuit at 10 weeks...10 weeks!...he was fine and God did FIL love his Crackerjack...sad he died when DS1 was 8 months old... (was actually cuddling DS when he (FIL) gave a little cry out and passed away...what a lovely way to go)..

.Nanny used to feed mine custard from her spoon from a very young age...they are all fine and my God she adored her Grandchildren but sadly she died when DD was 5 months and never got to meet DS2...she would have loved him so much because hes so much like his father!...

sorry,rant over OP but there are things we don't like but the love given by Grandparents can be magic...if we let it...

Marylou62 · 04/11/2014 17:35

Sorry...I must say that MIL and myself had a 'tricky' relationship...but I nursed her at home till the end and we had come to an understanding...but she was a wonderful well loved Nanny....

youmustbejoking75 · 04/11/2014 17:39

Yes of course it's nice to be nice but mil wants to go from 4 times a yr to every time she has a day off.
As the relationship is not meant to be amazing that's not realistic and the op is not responsible for mils expectations.

I have quite a large family who are lovely and I am particularly close to. I rarely leave my littlers with them as there's simply no need. I had them to have them with me, and really I don't get the demands for alone time.
In fact it would annoy me if someone repeatedly said they didn't have a nice time with the kids as I was there. It's rude and wouldn't encourage me to spend more time.

Even if there's nothing at all in the bg the op is entitled as a parent to be present wherever her very young child is and doesn't need a reason.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/11/2014 17:41

I can't see what some others are seeing here.

I think you're being totally U!

Original poster

MrsRumbles · 04/11/2014 17:46

Thank you youmustbejoking75.
I a big believe in you borrow your children then set them on their way. Which is what my mil is not doing with my dh as she try's to control everything even when he is 37. When I asked her why she passed dd around everyone, her reply was she thought everyone should have a hold, how controlling is that. I would like everything to be organic.

OP posts:

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