MIL - am i being unreasonable!

[MrsRumbles]

Myself and my MIL are not getting along at present for many reasons, to many to go into on here, however, the fundamental issues I have with her is her lack of respect to us as parents, for example when DD was a baby my MIL would pass her around like a parcel to anyone and everyone (which I was not keen on but would overlook) the problem was when we asked her to not do so, or to stop as DD was getting a bit beyond, MIL would completely ignore my DH. It was if the rules did not apply to her. Since then I've had a falling out with her over taking photos, again I do not have a problem with it, it's how she goes about it.

My MIL claims she doesn't get to see my DD as much as she would like (she works 6 days per week) and feels like am always watching her with DD she so doesn't feel that comfortable. I informed her that till I know she will respect our wishes I will be with my DD when she visits.

However my problem today is this.....I only saw my MIL & FIL about 4 times a year, if that, before DD was born (been with DH now for 8 years). Whilst being pregnant I saw her maybe 4 times. We never met for coffee or to go shopping and would never go to hers for a coffee and chat, we just didn't do it. Now when she does have a day off she will text asking to meet (not to see me, but my DD). I don't hate her, we just have nothing in common and she drives me crazy with my DD she just doesn't listen to us. I would like to continue our relationship as before DD, am I being unreasonable?

AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone thankyou so much for your post. You put it in to words so well. I completely understand where you are coming from. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your maternity leave xx

Sykadelic - totally disagree about your "you MUST show control and determination, don't try and be coy about it". Ever heard of using a sledgehammer to crack a nut? The OP doesn't need to create a dictatorship in order to make the situation better. On the info given so far, that would only make things worse.

Surely there is a happy medium between 4 times a year and every day off? I don't think you are being unreasonable OP but wouldn't 1 afternoon every 2-3 weeks be possible.

As for wanting yourself or your dh to be there each time, that's fine. Maybe try not to hover too much but just potter around (if your dd is happy with that).

I am also going to go against the grain and say yanbu. I have also been in your position and we had ww3 over it. Btw you should have made it clear from the beginning your dh agreed- it seems to be a rule on mumsnet that everyone jumps to the defense of the mil, assuming the dil is trying to keep them at bay, whereas if you had said your dh had a problem with it the responses would have been different!
We saw my in laws once or twice a year pre dd1- they weren't interested in seeing their son any more than he wanted to see them, mil is damaged goods and throws tantrums and has scared off all friends and family with her toxic behaviour. Doesn't even speak to her own mother, which is telling. He, a graduate, successful career, working 80hr weeks with a nice house, supporting his family, was described to me as a lifelong disappointment!
Anyway, i digress. After dd1 was born, ww3 erupted because they suddenly expected to see us every month. Dh told them the most that we could do was every few months (bearing in mind that they lived far away and had to come and stay for a long weekend every time). He explained that this wasn't anything nasty, but we already had to see my parents, his grandmother, his sister, our friends and actually have some alone time, plus he was working 80 hour weeks, and often worked at the weekend, and that was simply the best we could manage, and much more frequent than we had had them before. I had pnd, which was greatly exacerbated when they exploded at this news and proceeded not to talk to him for three months! I can completely understand how you feel as they did not even pretend they wanted to have a relationship with their son, and just said he was getting in their way of their grandchild. dh was absolutely mad that they didn't realise "their grandchild" was his daughter, and he only got 8 days a month to spend with her as it was, and that they couldn't be respectful of his needs and commitments and private life and at least pretend they wanted a relationship with him, rather than being clear they wanted to impose themselves on him so that they could see their precious dgd!

posters on here come from their own perspective and ecperience- don't take all the yabu responses to heart- unless you have been there or you dish all the dirt in your op, the verdict will come back in favour of the wronged MIL! And a lot of people with DSs are worried this is going to be them one day without reading the specifics of the situation. It doesn't matter whether it is the woman or man's parents in question- they still have to behave themselves and treat you with respect if they expect you to put yourself out and accommodate them so that they can play with your new toy baby!

Poor bedraggled mum sounds dire!! Like the way you mistakenly called baby a toy oooops.
Let's all jump to the other new mad pils thread now and get bashed over there for being so uuuuuuuuu

Youmustbejoking- that is how it seemed at the time, like they wanted to come and play with our new kitten or game with no thought for whether it was convenient!

Bedraggledmumoftwo am really feeling your pain, thankyou for posting

I will always remember sitting in the bath sobbing and bleeding, exhausted and hormonal and in pain (on crutches with spd) a few days after giving birth to dd1 because said in laws who we saw for a couple of days a year had decided to come and stay for a whole week the day after the birth, and i just needed some space with the baby and dh and to not have to worry about fil seeing my boobs while i was struggling to breastfeed, or trying to hide the inevitable baby blues bawling, and get some sleep after being up for three days straight. Of course, they were "on holiday" and just wanted to get some newborn cuddles, and had no idea how much they were imposing.

The mind boggles. All a tiny baby and a new mammy need is rest. Certainly not to be entertaining people who are uninvited and have no common sense about the time a visit should last.
The day I got home from hospital my 94yr old much loved (wannabe in charge) grandmother landed at the door unannounced with my mortified aunt. It was impossible not to answer as the 2yr old saw them.
She told me I wasn't feeding him properly as he was screaming, and told me how to cook the steak she had brought for my husbands dinner.
I was almost in tears. I told her I wasn't cooking, I'd just had a baby and a section and I was going to bed with the baby. I didn't curse(barely kept it together) but she got the message. I stood up and they left. My aunt was so apologetic.

It was horrible but I felt at least it was my own family so I could say it. And that visit only lasted about 15mins.
You poor thing.

Problem is that people tend to go "oh you know, that's just the way he/she/they are"and expect bad behaviour to be tolerated.

These days I'm just a bit more "Well that's grand but you know me, I really can't deal with rudeness/racism/sexist pig jokes ( whatever the case) and I just might have to deal with the situation myself if nobody else will and I'll probably tell them to fuck off. That's just the way I am".

It's interesting how often someone will stop a situation rather than let someone annoy you to the point you tell them to foad.

YANBU

I don't get on with my MIL - she is very passive aggressive & expects everyone to pander to her.

I pass myself with her when I see her but it's hard. A wk after DS birth she was really really rude to me because I said we didn't want pictures on Facebook (neither of us have Facebook). She walked out without even saying bye to me - I had a section, was really struggling to breastfeed & there was just no need at all.

So since then I have decided all communication etc must be done through DH. So if she want to visit it has to be arranged with DH And when DH is here. I'm breastfeeding so like OP I am there as well for the visits which I know annoys her. When my section scar was ozzing it wasn't 'how are you' it was 'oh if you get antibiotics will have it stop breastfeeding?' While rubbing her hands in glee!! (I didn't & I'm breastfeeding still at 11 wks & hoping to do so for the year.

She also kicked off 6 months before our wedding & threatened to have none of her family attend.

If she kicks off at me again I have warned DH I will tell her she doesn't have to like me but as DH wife & DS mother she has to respect me & if she can't she can Fuck off.

fWIW I get on great with FIL & step mum in law.

I will be heartbroken if I have a similar DIL relationship but I have learned what not to do through her!! Ie turn up to visit at dinner time expecting to be fed instead of bringing a massive lasagne round once a wk to do a few dinners like my step mum Inlaw!

You get more with sugar than with shite in my opinion.

SASASI.....thank you for posting. I had the same issue with pictures on Facebook and other social media sites.

TidyDancer You must not have an over-bearing MIL. The ONLY thing she responds to is firm, no-nonsense determination. You give her an inch and she'll take a mile. Once she realises she isn't getting her way, she backs off and so do I. It's what works for us.

No you're not being unreasonable. If you don't feel comfortable spending much time with mil then don't. If you're not comfortable leaving dd alone with her, then don't :) you're making it complicated because you're too nice!

There are reasons you don't get along with mil, and at least half of those reasons are HER responsibility.

My MIL was overbearing & controlling and we did not get on, this made me distance myself from her because I did not want confrontations. I was young and had no idea how to handle it other than to keep a distance.
Years later, I regret that I avoided her because this did limit her access to her grandchildren.
My Husband and I divorced so after that she had lots more access to my children when they spent time with him. They LOVED being with her and she really did love them dearly.
Her methods were different to mine, but it did not harm my children just because she did things differently.
It is too easy to get into battles with a MiL - but BOTH parties bear some responsibility.
If I were in that position today - older and wiser,..and more assertive, I would have handled it better.

I think you are unreasonable to want to see MIL only four times a year. That's just mean. Every week sounds too much, but every so often is fair enough - and I speak as one who detested my pil for v. good reasons.

It does seem a fair few mil are treated very badly. I remember a thread on here, last year I think, where a dil was going ballistic because the mil had dared to buy the gc an advent calendar, and she has had her turn . It seems to be a common MN refrain along with LTB.

I think you might be being a bit unreasonable.
I would expect your mil to want to see her DGD and to have a relationship with her. It is difficult to make adjustments but when you have a baby, at baby is part of a wider family than you and Dh. I totally empathise with the need to hunker down as a nuclear unit initially, I didn't "allow visitors for oc a week, none at all, after a difficult birth with my pfb, but now I love that he has a relationship with Dsisil for example (I din't have a DMIL) and when we visit I make the effort to let her and DBil have time with the DCs so they don't feel Im stifling them. It s a difficult line to tread because I also don't want to see "aibu to hate my lazy DSiL who leaves us to look after her kids when she visits?"
It doesn't need to be every week but it doesn't seem "fair" to continue with four visits a year, quite unkind really.
Its hard to say because you haven't given examples that I can see as unreasonable behaviour on her behalf. But I sometimes feel terrified of becoming a grandparent if any natural interest in grandchildren is to be considered as unreasonable as I have "had my turn".

TBH I think that 4times a year isn't much.

however it's not just you-is your husband happy for his daughter & mum to see so little of each other?

Would you be happy with that if it was your GD?

Of course she feels uncomfortable if you are hovering over her can you ease up with that a bit?

i don't mean that you have to leave her for hrs on end, but not constantly in the room (if it's like that).

Mine were never really left with ILs, visits were always all of us or sometimes just my husband & the kids, but we would sometimes go for a walk just the two of us, or be in the background "out of the way" iyswim.

However, she shouldn't completely disregard you & your husband even if she thinks it's OK.

You know your child best. but sometimes you do have to be assertive & take your child back, remove what you don't want them to have...

I thiNk MIls get a hard time. I know some can be very troublesome.
But in an example of a warm relationship a mother has an unconditional and complete love for her child. So, take me; (imo, typical as a mother) I love my DH but my love for him is not entirely unconditional. My love for my DS and DD is unconditional. In many ways I love them "more" than I love my DH. They are part of me and I am helping to shape who they are as they grow. i will always love them, my love will not fade. I want them to grow and to separate from me in the natural course of development and to have grown up relationships with ppl who love them. I expect to take a back seat in their lives if they have their own families, and for their families to take priority. Those relationships are different, but I know that nobody can love them as completely as I do or put their needs first in the way that a mother does.

I believe that most Mils are probably trying to do their best and are motivated by love and can sometimes be sidelined out of a perceived threat to the relationship that does not really exist other than in the mind of the DIL.

I agree that there's got to be a middle way between seeing your MIL every week & only seeing her 4 times a year: &, in broader terms, between meekly accepting overbearing behaviour from her & writing her off as too difficult to handle.

You & DH are in agreement that she oversteps the mark sometimes, which is a good starting point. So you need to learn to deal with disagreements assertively, with all that entails: recognizing which battles are worth fighting, developing ways to state clearly how you feel, letting her know what you want her to do. As Davsmum says, it's about recognizing that you have a responsibility in this too, given that she doesn't sound like a monster, & that she has a deep love for your daughter that will (hopefully) enrich your DD's life.

I'd seriously recommend reading a book about assertive communication. DH & I have had similar issues with his mum, & developing more assertive (not aggressive, or avoidant) ways to address problems has helped the situation a lot. I read a book recommended on MN called "A woman in your own right" by Anne Dickson. It's excellent & certainly has relevance beyond the MIL / DIL relationship.

Our children are quite a bit older than yours, & I spent years swallowing down resentment & irritation, followed by snapping / withdrawing when the frustration got too much. We still don't have a great relationship (though she would probably say we do, on account of her being pretty blind to other people's feelings! ) but we manage things, most of the time.

Incidentally, I do agree in theory that your DH should be dealing with his side of the family, but given that your MIL works 6 days a week, it seems pretty natural to me that she might sometimes want to meet you & her GD on her days off.

Honestly, as over-stepping MILs go this one sounds like a marshmallow. I'm sure she's more painful than she sounds on this thread, but your examples of her behaviour just sound like a personality clash rather than a psycho MIL.
She sounds like she'd be hard pressed not to annoy you - not because you're unreasonable, but because the two of you just don't really get along so you're primed for annoyance.

Passing a baby around is totally normal - what harm can it do? Yes, she should have stopped when you told her to, but it doesn't sounds like she's a malicious bitch, she probably just thought it would be ok to stop after the last people got their turn rather than immediately?

You're dictating how she takes photos? I don't understand. Unless their pornographic whats the problem?

Maybe, instead of seeing her eery week and hovering over her and all the while vibrating with annoyance, you could book yourself in to get your hair done or just go and meet a friend for a coffee while Granny takes her grandchild to the park for a while? It would probably make her less desperate to grasp at every little moment to spend with the child. Also, it will make you seem less unreasonable when you say, "actually we can't do this week, but I'm sure DD would love to see you again next week".

Give and take. Don't torture yourself by spending time with someone who annoys you!

I also think a LOT of GPs would see a once a week visit as pretty normal. Certainly not OTT.
Not saying you should agree to that, but try and keep in mind that she probably talks to her friends and asks how often they see their GCs. Many of them probably see the GCs more than once a week. So just because you don't like it doesn't mean she's BU either.

Loonvanboon I could have written your message. My mil was overbearing and controlling when I first had my children. We still don't have a close relationship but I am learning to deal with the issue in a more assertive manner rather than allowing her to behave however she wants and then snapping or withdrawing. You put it into words for me when you wrote that post. OP it is worth developing assertive behaviours and drawing clear boundaries whilst at the same time thinking of her and all the benefits of a close relationship between her and gc. This advice comes from someone who hasn't always done a very good job of it but is trying to get there now (for the sake of my DH, my Dc who all love her and also for the sake of MIL herself).

I suppose its difficult because the contact was so infrequent previously. I understand its hard to make a big change.

Surfsup, surely, the grandparents that see their gc every week are the ones who have a good relationship with their own dc and saw them almost as frequently before the gc arrived- not the ones that only wanted to see their own child a few times a year, but expect said child to suddenly make room in their lives to see them every week once there is a baby to play with. If they aren't respectful of and on good terms with the parents, i do not see how they get some automatic right to spend a day a week with the grandchildren. I certainly didn't think, right, well i am pregnant now, so i will automatically cross off a quarter of the weekends to see pils who we currently barely see. I think the status quo has a big part to play and is completely relevant. And the infrequency of the status quo does not suggest a good relationship!