MIL - am i being unreasonable!

[MrsRumbles]

Myself and my MIL are not getting along at present for many reasons, to many to go into on here, however, the fundamental issues I have with her is her lack of respect to us as parents, for example when DD was a baby my MIL would pass her around like a parcel to anyone and everyone (which I was not keen on but would overlook) the problem was when we asked her to not do so, or to stop as DD was getting a bit beyond, MIL would completely ignore my DH. It was if the rules did not apply to her. Since then I've had a falling out with her over taking photos, again I do not have a problem with it, it's how she goes about it.

My MIL claims she doesn't get to see my DD as much as she would like (she works 6 days per week) and feels like am always watching her with DD she so doesn't feel that comfortable. I informed her that till I know she will respect our wishes I will be with my DD when she visits.

However my problem today is this.....I only saw my MIL & FIL about 4 times a year, if that, before DD was born (been with DH now for 8 years). Whilst being pregnant I saw her maybe 4 times. We never met for coffee or to go shopping and would never go to hers for a coffee and chat, we just didn't do it. Now when she does have a day off she will text asking to meet (not to see me, but my DD). I don't hate her, we just have nothing in common and she drives me crazy with my DD she just doesn't listen to us. I would like to continue our relationship as before DD, am I being unreasonable?

So the op should just drop everything on the day a week someone demands to see their small child and despite having made not much effort before baby nor shown respect for parental decisions this person should get whatever access they want? Alone without a parent?

I wonder does this scene look worse when the word grandmother is taken out because anyone else would be told to take a hike.

But it's faaaammmily.............

Such rubbish

It's not her kid. She doesn't get a vote.

Now dh does however. .......what does he think or should i ask?!!

He with me. He said he knew his Mum would be crazy but could never imagine she would behave like she is. The one thing I must point out is the only person my little girl gets upset with is my mil because she hates bring picked up all the time.

Youmustbe....I don't think anyone has suggested that OP leaves her DC 'Alone without a parent'...all I am saying is sometimes you have to let stuff go....(MIL incredibly superstitious and wouldn't pick up a dropped knife until I came to collect DS, He was fine...) Just because OPs MIL is controlling doesn't mean she wont be a great GP...unless she's done something very unsafe, cant she just try and see MIL a little bit more?

Tbh you both sound a bit nuts and overly controlling.

I am sorry Mrs Rumbles...you have well and truly drip fed...Of course if your DH is in agreement that his DD is affected by his DMs behaviour then YANBU. This in no way is meant to sound sarcastic...but we didn't have all the facts..

It's dhs mother and if he thinks she's cracked you should follow his lead.

Oh course we all let things go, but little things.

More than 4 times a year.....why not? But what mil wants is once a week and she's moaning anyway.

Moot points anyway as dh has a similar view.
Just do whatever works for you.
Good luck

This is why I dread becoming a MIL because God forbid I may want to show off my grandchild or see him/her more than a couple of times a year. I just pray DS meets a girl who doesn't exclude his family or pick fault over every tiny thing.

I plan on getting a dog again when the kids leave so I'm not available to babysit

Why is anyone assuming btw that the op is at fault. Her dh is perfectly capable of bringing that sprog along to mil, unless he doesn't want to.

Having a vagina doesn't make op responsible for family relationships. Such utter you know what.

While annoying I think your mil is being a 'normal grandparent' taking photos, showing off their grandchild. I wouldn't expect my mil to ask for permission , I would expect her to see her grandchildren often.

My mil drove me nuts but she undeniably loved her grandchildren and they loved her. I think you need to back down on this one, in the interests of your family

Is this thing of grandparents having alone time with dgcs a modern thing? I never stayed without parents with either set until I was 8 and my brother was 10 and my dads parents (or mums in laws, if you prefer) had us for a week in the summer holidays for childcare purposes. My kids visit grandparents as part of a family visit, and they sometimes offer to babysit, which we gratefully accept. No way would they say, we want to see your kids, but you ruin it! Also the pattern of visits has increased as I enjoy their interactions with the kids, but we still have plenty of times at him alone, with friends etc. We are invited not summoned! (and we reciprocate of course)
Op I wouldn't have a show down. Just be busy with prior engagements.

Well everyone has expectations. They aren't always realistic.

assuming op is relatively sane ( who's entirely sane) its really their call as parents who they and their children spend time with. Not all families are the same. Being family does not mean it will be perfect. That's life.

Why should the op suck it up-are her feelings not valid too?

I was you once OP. All of us only have ONE chance to be a PARENT and you need to do things YOUR way. I think that some grandparents (especially the controlling ones) find it really hard when a grandchild is born and want to parent it themselves and have control over how they are brought up. In my experience, it seems to be most common when it is the child of the DIL. The whole point of being a parent is bringing up a child to be a responsible adult and to let it go to live its own life (and bring up its own children the way it wants to!!!). I think if your MIL is making you feel uncomfortable then you need to set boundaries. If she genuinely just wants to see her grandchild and support you - then no problem! Always trust your gut instinct and don't let anyone make you feel guilty!

Batgirl1984 thankyou.

I stayed with my nan once when our youngest sis was born. That's it. And as my mam is dead a long time she's like my mother. Different strokes etc......

You can't expect to have the same relationship as before because now there's a new relationship there, the grandparent-grandchild one.

You can't expect the reaction you want on AIBU if you're not giving all the facts.

You also can't expect the reaction you want on AIBU if you're being unreasonable, and I'm going to follow the herd and tell you you are. It's lovely that she wanted everyone to share cuddles of your newborn. It's lovely that she wants to photograph her. And it's understandable that she feels intimidated if you insist on being with them every minute they're together, because judging by your tone here, you're not likely to be subtle about it.

YABVU.

I a big believe in you borrow your children then set them on their way. Which is what my mil is not doing with my dh as she try's to control everything even when he is 37.

Its impossible to tell from your posts if your MIL is indeed trying to be too controlling or is just having a relationship with her DS no matter how old he is - to be honest all this setting them on their way sounds a bit odd to me, I was glad myself and my brother had a decent relationship with my Mum as adults before she died.

Is this thing of grandparents having alone time with dgcs a modern thing

No Im 44 and grew up spending a lot of overnight stays at my Grans (my Dads Mum), loved it and loved the relationship I had with her.

But you will always get posters on here who dont think their MILs deserve a relationship with their grand kids because theyve "had their turn". And I mean nice normal MILs not the horrible ones.

Have I missed you explaining the thing about the photos? Not sure what is meant by that.

The passing around thing is annoying, but fairly normal grandparent behaviour. It's not controlling, it's pride. She should've stopped doing it when your DD got fussy, but it's hardly a terrible crime.

I think if you're proposing for your MIL to only see your DD four times a year, then I wouldn't blame her for feeling left out; the likelihood is if you want this level of contact you are not coming off as particularly supportive of the relationship between the two of them, even if you haven't verbalised your feelings. You just sound really hostile towards her tbh.

There may be a lot more to this that you haven't mentioned yet, and if there is then that could be fairly telling as to why you're feeling the way you do.

I would hate to think that my parents would have said, you are 18 now, off you go, best of luck in all your endeavours and set me on my way. We

My parents relationship with my son, in particular my dad, is lovely to see as is my in laws relationship, particularly his nana. He has uncles nd aunts on both sides who I've him and he feels safe and secure in a family that might not see him for a few weeks or months, but love him every second of the day.

Who wouldn't want that for their kid?

How is your relationship with your parents? Did they set you in your way when you became an adult?

As a mother of one son and a potential MIL in future, these threads fill me with dread. Of course I will want to see my grandchild - if I'm lucky enough to have one. And since I've managed to raise a child myself surely I can be trusted to take the child to the park/shop etc without being supervised? While most women are closer to their mother than their MIL, both have a role and it must be heartbreaking to be pushed out. So yes, OP, YABU.

Well I don't think you're BU and understand how past experience definitely colours how you later interact.

In the passing around situation for example, unless you (or your DH) went up and actually said "she's had enough for now" and grabbed her and took her somewhere quiet/put her down then she probably didn't realise she was being a PITA. You MUST show control and determination, don't try and be coy about it. She doesn't respect you as parents because she doesn't see you as parents. She knows you have a child but that doesn't mean she's seen you can be trusted with "her grandchild" (as that's how she see's your child). She does have experience (even if you don't always agree).

The meeting up for lunch. Perhaps (and I'm not suggesting this is true) she's realised now that you've had "her grandchild" she realises how lax she's been in the relationship and is trying to mend bridges. She also probably does want an element of control over how "her grandchild" is raised or doesn't want to miss out.

The cats thing. Her life, her house. Tell her you can't visit because he's allergic and there's simply too many cats, or pop a anti-histamine before visiting. When she says "well it never used to bother you" the reply HE says is "actually it always did, you just ignored it". This example actually matches my DH's situation as well. He and his sister are allergic (his sister moreso) and it doesn't stop their parents having a cat and 4 dogs. Poor SIL this weekend sounded awful but she stuck it out for about 3 hours.

Photos - I'm not sure what you're meaning here. Taking too many? Sneaking them? Posting them online when you specified not to do that?

You have my sympathies OP. Your post has really struck a cord with me. I too am finding the extra contact with MIL since the birth of DS (10 mths) really really hard .... Although we don't argue as such we have never particularly got on (no real reason - just chalk and cheese) and will never have a close relationship. I too only saw her a handful of times a year. I think she saw me twice when pregnant. Now she comes round at any (and every) opportunity to see DS. And for hours at a time. Like you I have my reasons for not wanting to leave DS alone with her and so when she sees him she also sees me ..... This change in relationship has been too much. I don't have much maternity leave left and really really resent the time she is eating up of it ..... Sorry, not sure why I'm posting other than to say that I share your pain xx