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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this.

85 replies

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 01:01

DS1 (11) is very good friends with a boy from school and because of this, I have become very good friends with his mum. We go for nights out, coffee mornings and go away for weekends. She has another DS who is older and I have DS2 who is younger.

DS1 was invited to her DS's bonfire party tonight. Her DS was inviting some of his friends from school and then she was having an adult party afterwards with the mum's of some of the invited children. The children whose parents she didn't know went home.

I was invited to the adult party afterwards but she didn't want to invite DS2 (who is 7) as she just wanted it to be the older ones. I was completely fine with this but said that I couldn't attend as I would have to do something with him myself for bonfire night and he would be upset if me, DH and DS1 all went to a party that he would have enjoyed without him. She was a bit gutted that I wasn't going to come but understood.

So tonight I went to pick DS1 up from the party and noticed that another one of the mums from school had brought her DD who is in the year above my DS2 but only a few months older than him. DS1 said that this girl had been given an invite so not just a mum who had ignored requests not to bring younger ones.

I will point out now that my DS2 has learning difficulties and is developmentally delayed but he is not in any way disruptive, loves parties, sociable etc and usually my friend is complimentary about him.

Should I be upset and mention it to her or AIBU. I'm really not sure or if I am just a bit too close to be objective.

All I can see is that she didn't invite my DS2, not because he was too young but because he has SN.

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpink · 02/11/2014 01:06

How did your DS know that the girl had been given an invite? Are you sure the mum didn't just bring her along regardless?

meerschweinchen · 02/11/2014 01:08

I'm sorry you feel upset. I can understand why. But - is your ds still in infants and the other girl in juniors? I know there's only a few months difference in age, but maybe this affected how your friend was thinking iyswim?

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 01:09

The boy brought invites to school with him for the kids party and this girl was given one. The mum of the boy and the mum of the girl know each other so she came to the kids party and then mum and dad came to the adult one afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 01:11

Yes, she has just moved up to juniors so possibly. She hardly knows the girl though, she is the sister of a boy in DS1 and this boys class. She knows my DS really well.

OP posts:
Thrholidaysarecoming · 02/11/2014 01:16

Your protective instincts will be making you feel like this but I bet it was done maliciously. She may have just had a year cut off eg the year above ds2.

It's not worth losing a friend over. Normally I'm mamma bear over stuff like this but I don't think on this instance it's intentional.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 07:45

I agree that this may have been the reason that he was initially not invited as this girl is in juniors and he isn't. However, she kept saying all week that she wished I was coming and could I come after my DS2 had gone to bed etc etc, so I am just confused as to why she didn't then think a little more about the actual few months age difference and invite him at that point.

Me and the other mum are the only ones with younger children so it would literally have been just one more.

All I can see is that the difference was more about his SN (as this makes him developmentally younger than 7 and most people think he is younger due this, although obviously she knows his age) and therefore must be because she thinks that he is disruptive. Should I just stick to meeting up with her without my DS's. Should I tell her that I am upset.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 02/11/2014 07:52

It doesn't mean she thinks he is disruptive at all. It means that she wanted a bonfire party and decided, because bonfire parties can be dangerous, that she didn't want you get children there. Regardless of actual age, school years are a way of cutting things off and if you have people either side of the divide (ie, youngest and oldest in their year) they will get to do different things at different times, regardless of actual age.

I think you are projecting this a little bit. Understandable, but don't make a mountain out if a molehill.

Thrholidaysarecoming · 02/11/2014 07:57

Morning op.

Is your ds disruptive or will other people just see it as normal behaviour for seven year olds. I teach sport and most seven year olds are like mini tornados!

If you have a good relationship then yes tell her how you feel and discuss it. You will be able to see what her reaction is.

treadheavily · 02/11/2014 07:58

I can understand you feeling hurt but really I think you need to let it go.

Don't assume the worst, you risk spoiling a nice friendship.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:00

I agree that there should have been a cut off but surely if that meant just one child being left out, its for another reason. The cut off could have been, only DS1's year which would have meant this girl and my DS2 couldn't have been there which is what I thought was the case and was fine with. She was the only one there that wasn't 11. The girl isn't even friends with DS1's friend and the girls mum and party mum aren't as close as me and party mum.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsAllMine · 02/11/2014 08:01

If you are good friends - which your OP suggests - then you need to speak to her about this. Let her know how you feel and her response will tell you how good your friendship really is.

messyisthenewtidy · 02/11/2014 08:03

YANBU. Whenever I go out with friends who have kids we are always mutually aware of everyone's need to make arrangements for their DC and often end up bringing the kids along so they can have a good time together.

Your friend has acted selfishly towards you, perhaps unthinkingly, but still selfishly. I mean what else does she expect you to do with DS2 or for him to feel whilst his sibling and mum go off to a party?

I would raise the subject with her from the point of view that you know you may be feeling sensitive on his behalf as he has SN. She will probably reassure you that it was nothing to do with DS's SN but next time she will be a bit more sensitive about your situation.

hesterton · 02/11/2014 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddielizzard · 02/11/2014 08:05

maybe she was worried he wouldn't cope with the fireworks or would get scared by the costumes.

i agree, it is hurtful, but you might not be aware of the real reason. don't jump to the conclusion that it's because of his sn.

you might find that she will realise you clocked the other girl and explain herself.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:05

He is lively, gets excited and is a bit loud at times. He is not disruptive as in breaking things, hurting people etc. I know a lot more disruptive 7 year olds who are NT. I and DH would have been at the party though and are vigilant about where he is, what he is doing etc. I wouldn't have drank and DH (who doesn't know my friends as well so wouldn't have been chatting quite so much) would have kept a very close eye especially outside with the fireworks. He loves bonfire night though so likely would have just been sat outside with us entranced by the lights.

OP posts:
Sunna · 02/11/2014 08:06

I think YABU and a bit over sensitive. There would have been safety concerns that made the hosts pick a cut off age.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:08

DS2 isn't scared of anything. A fact which I mention in passing regularly to her and other friends and which they can see themselves anyway as she does know him quite well.

OP posts:
Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:09

I can see the safety issue (although as I say, we would have been with him and we had our own fireworks at home anyway) which is why I am not sure why she didn't make it just DS1 (and his friends) class.

OP posts:
soundedbetterinmyhead · 02/11/2014 08:13

Your hurt is understandable as you feel very strongly about your DS. However, lots of people have pointed out that the host would have had an age cut off and not only is your DS younger, but he also is developmentally younger than 7 which will make a difference to the level of supervision he requires. There probably are lots of more disruptive NT 7 year olds, but they weren't invited either. I think you are BU, but I am sorry that it has happened and I think that this may not be the last time in terms of party invitations (IME), so you may need to toughen up a bit on his behalf.

Sunna · 02/11/2014 08:14

Most people seem to think you are being a bit unreasonable. Can you not agree that maybe you are?

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 08:23

I am sorry that you feel your son was left out, but the host picked a cut off age. Your DS was below that, the girl wasn't.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:25

His safety would have been managed by me though, not the mum.

Ok, Maybe IABU but she could have avoided any upset by just having DS1's class. She could have still invited the girls mum as girls brother is in DS's class. As I said in a pp, she doesn't have anything to do with the girl and her DS is not friends with her either, just her brother.

OP posts:
FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 08:28

Flappy - why is it unfair that she had an age cut off point?

That's the downside of being the youngest child. As DD points out often

Thrholidaysarecoming · 02/11/2014 08:32

Op do you think there could have been family and other friends children that were younger that's why the cut off was introduced.

I can understand where your coming from but unless this woman is a total bitch and blantently wanted to exclude one of yours sons yet invite everyone else I think it's just been a cut off snd your ds was unfortunately in there.

Is this women normally like that ? What is she normally like around your ds2? You've spent a lot of time with this woman do you think she is capable?

Thrholidaysarecoming · 02/11/2014 08:34

Maybe the other girls mother said none of them could attend if the little girl wasn't allowed?

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