to be upset about this.

[flappytrousers]

DS1 (11) is very good friends with a boy from school and because of this, I have become very good friends with his mum. We go for nights out, coffee mornings and go away for weekends. She has another DS who is older and I have DS2 who is younger.

DS1 was invited to her DS's bonfire party tonight. Her DS was inviting some of his friends from school and then she was having an adult party afterwards with the mum's of some of the invited children. The children whose parents she didn't know went home.

I was invited to the adult party afterwards but she didn't want to invite DS2 (who is 7) as she just wanted it to be the older ones. I was completely fine with this but said that I couldn't attend as I would have to do something with him myself for bonfire night and he would be upset if me, DH and DS1 all went to a party that he would have enjoyed without him. She was a bit gutted that I wasn't going to come but understood.

So tonight I went to pick DS1 up from the party and noticed that another one of the mums from school had brought her DD who is in the year above my DS2 but only a few months older than him. DS1 said that this girl had been given an invite so not just a mum who had ignored requests not to bring younger ones.

I will point out now that my DS2 has learning difficulties and is developmentally delayed but he is not in any way disruptive, loves parties, sociable etc and usually my friend is complimentary about him.

Should I be upset and mention it to her or AIBU. I'm really not sure or if I am just a bit too close to be objective.

All I can see is that she didn't invite my DS2, not because he was too young but because he has SN.

I think this is really rude. I'm very surprised to read about parties with cuts offs etc

My DC are only 9 months and 1. But, in future, if adults are invited and it's appropriate for children, then I would invite all of their children. That's normal, surely?

I have very find memories of bonfire nights as a little girl. All of my parents friends congregated at one house with all the children. There was a mix from babies to 16 year olds and everyone had a grand old time

She has asked you three times if you had a problem with it.
Surely she must have knoen it was a bit strange to invite your entire family but one.
Dont text her though.Talk to her and tell her how you feel if your that close you should be able to have that conversation without it affecting your friendship.

You will have to talk to her about it, if you're that upset. To be fair there could be a valid reason for the other child being invited, but you just don't know what it is. I'm assuming you think your child's SN are the reason he wasn't invited?

Do you think that maybe she wanted you to go to the party and let your hair down? Maybe she thought that if DS2 was there you would have to look out for him.

I wouldn't fall out with your friend over this as I really don't think she meant to cause offense. But I would have to ask her why the other girl was allowed to go along. As others have said, maybe there is a valid explanation.

I find that all a bit odd and selective, id say invite your kids and you, if she was a good friend she would have done it at it made your life easier.

I would try break off 'friendship'

I think you should speak to her, with an open mind, to understand her reasoning. I've been to many parties where parents have left their children to run wild, and it's possible that she was afraid of this. I'm a childminder and there's a world of difference between what behaviour I'd routinely expect from a mature year 3 girl vs a NT year 2 boy. Of course, all children are individuals and we need to adjust our expectations accordingly, but in this case considering your DS2 as an individual means he would act far younger than his age. The apparent age gap between that girl and your son in terms of maturity would probably look more like several years than months?

I don't think she's handled this perfectly, but her intentions were probably good - talk to her giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - I would probably have thought the same. Having said that, I think it almost certainly wasn't malicious, but more thoughtless.

I am wondering if any of the other 11 year olds had 7 year old siblings who also weren't invited? Maybe there was a special reason why the 7 year old girl was invited - Is her Mum a single parent for example so couldn't have left her with her Dad, whereas your friend knew you could have left your DS2 with your DH?

On the face of it though, it does seem strange to invite all members of a family unit except one. It is up to you what you do, but if she is as good a friend as you seem to think she is, I would speak to her about it because I get the impression you won't just be able to forget about it as a one off - it will keep eating at you.

Good luck

Thanks for all your posts. From reading them all I have decided that IANBU but that it was not done to upset me. However, I will probably speak to her about it when a good opportunity comes up.

The mother is not a single parent and none of the others had any younger siblings. We all know each other.

I hope she can reassure you that she didnt intentionally hurt you.

I'm glad you had a good alternative night. Let us know what she says, when you get an opportunity to speak to her.