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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about this.

85 replies

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 01:01

DS1 (11) is very good friends with a boy from school and because of this, I have become very good friends with his mum. We go for nights out, coffee mornings and go away for weekends. She has another DS who is older and I have DS2 who is younger.

DS1 was invited to her DS's bonfire party tonight. Her DS was inviting some of his friends from school and then she was having an adult party afterwards with the mum's of some of the invited children. The children whose parents she didn't know went home.

I was invited to the adult party afterwards but she didn't want to invite DS2 (who is 7) as she just wanted it to be the older ones. I was completely fine with this but said that I couldn't attend as I would have to do something with him myself for bonfire night and he would be upset if me, DH and DS1 all went to a party that he would have enjoyed without him. She was a bit gutted that I wasn't going to come but understood.

So tonight I went to pick DS1 up from the party and noticed that another one of the mums from school had brought her DD who is in the year above my DS2 but only a few months older than him. DS1 said that this girl had been given an invite so not just a mum who had ignored requests not to bring younger ones.

I will point out now that my DS2 has learning difficulties and is developmentally delayed but he is not in any way disruptive, loves parties, sociable etc and usually my friend is complimentary about him.

Should I be upset and mention it to her or AIBU. I'm really not sure or if I am just a bit too close to be objective.

All I can see is that she didn't invite my DS2, not because he was too young but because he has SN.

OP posts:

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:39

Because a cut off age in this case made it so that there was 8 x 11 year olds, 3 x 14 year olds (her eldest DS and friends) and 1 x 7 year old. Yet my 7 year old wasn't invited. The cut off age is fine but could have been 11 surely. I am not bothered in the slightest that isn't invited to everything but this meant we all couldn't go.

My friend was really upset that I couldn't come but not so upset that she moved the age to include someone a few months younger. It wouldn't have affected anyone else as everyone else had all their DC at the party.

OP posts:

messyisthenewtidy · 02/11/2014 08:39

IME it's odd to have a cut off point for age with your friends' kids. One in all in, but I suppose it's her prerogative.

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:39

No family were invited as she lives a long way from them.

OP posts:

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 08:41

She picked the cut off age for her party. She's allowed to make the cut off age 7 or 11 or 22 if that's what she wants.

I don't get why that's a problem. Your DS will go through life, because of being the youngest, seeing his siblings do things he can't do yet - and that's nothing to do with SN, it's to do with age.

DD doesn't like that her brothers can go to nightclubs. How unfair that they have a cut off age of 18 or 21 and she's 16 and can't go. It's the same principle as this situation.

messyisthenewtidy · 02/11/2014 08:43

Oh come on, if your friend kept moaning about how upset she was at you not coming she should have made an exception for you. Like I said before, what does she expect you to do with your child?

But OP, instead of working yourself into a state with all this whatiffery, ASK HER!!

If she's a true friend, your friendship wilk take it.

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:45

I agree Frau but they are both 7 .

OP posts:

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 08:47

But it's a school year thing - so all year 4 and above, or 3 and above - my DD is 16, some of her friends aren't yet, but they are all due to sit GCSE's this year.

I have, in the past, invited all P2 children, for eg, to a party and said no to P1 children, even though they had siblings in P1, even when the P1 and P2 children were 5 not 6.

HamAlive · 02/11/2014 08:48

So you, DH and DS1 were invited, but not DS2? That's a bit odd. I can't imagine a close friend doing that to me.

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:48

She obviously expected me to get a babysitter and go to her party. So me, DH and DS1 all troop out for a party and leave DS2.

It wouldn't bother me at all if it was a boring adult party with a few older kids. DS2 wouldn't want to come anyway and I really aren't precious about him not coming to everything. I regularly do stuff without him that he doesn't enjoy but DS1 does. But this was a firework party that is typically aimed at children.

OP posts:

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 08:52

Again I agree if this would have meant the difference between having 12 kids there and 20 kids but it would literally have been just my DS, he was the ONLY one not invited. Why have a cut off at all if only one child is left out. and as I say, we are good friends.

I said that DS1 could have 12 friends from his class for his 11th birthday party. I didn't say the cut off was 24 friends (there are 25 in his class). That would be mean.

OP posts:

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 08:55

Sometimes DD was the only one not invited to things. Because there's a big age gap between her and her brothers. Does that mean all my friends were mean, or does it mean they wanted, say, 5th year and over?

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 08:55

And it's not the same as a whole class party, because then, they are all in the same class. Your DS isn't.

WipsGlitter · 02/11/2014 08:58

Bluntly, it's her party and she can invite who she wants.

Sunna · 02/11/2014 09:09

Not sure why you bothered posting. You are sure YANBU. I think you are. If you question her you may lose the friendship altogether. Her party, her choice of guests.

MandarinCheesecake · 02/11/2014 09:17

Well for what its worth I think she should have invited your ds, especially as she was disappointed and upset when you said you wouldn't be able to go.

Yes its fine to have no siblings and a cut off age for children's parties as the numbers start to get to more than you can manage.

But the difference here is that she is a close friend not just a school mum, she knows your ds really well and the fact that she allowed a sibling of another child who is practically the same age as your son (who she doesn't know as well) suggests that there was another reason that she didn't want your ds there.

I don't know how I would approach this tbh, maybe next time you see her say (In a non confrontational way) "I was surprised to see other 7 year old there, I thought you didn't want any younger children to attend" and see what she says.

I also agree that its not worth losing a good friendship over but this is what makes it a little bit more baffling the fact that you are such good friends.

Littleturkish · 02/11/2014 09:18

Do you think she meant to hurt your feelings? If not, then let it go.

If your DS is young for his age, SEN aside, then all the more reason for her not to ask him- perhaps this girl came because she is in the juniors AND very mature.

I really don't think she intended to offend you.

Littleturkish · 02/11/2014 09:19

And you have no idea what other kids weren't invited, you're just speculating.

If she had form for cutting your DS out or excluding him, then I would broach the subject, but this sounds like it was just an age thing for one party.

LostTeacher · 02/11/2014 09:20

On what planet is it acceptable to invite your really close friends to a family party and exclude one of their children?

Then, when said close friends are unable to come (I mean- no one normal would go to a family party aimed at children and happily leave the excluded one at home), host doesn't say, "Oh Close Friend, I didn't realise you wouldn't be able to come otherwise, you must bring DS along too!".

Her party, her rules- what a load of rubbish! I don't think OP you are being sensitive or unreasonable AT ALL.

She left out one child, your child. She knew it meant you couldn't go. She didn't care. She is not your friend unfortunately.

SmellyMuffin · 02/11/2014 09:31

I don't think your being unreasonable here either OP. I also can't understand why other posters think it's acceptable to exclude one member of a family unit from a party that everyone else in the family is invited to? I also can't believe that your friend didn't realise this would be a problem for you.

sleepyhead · 02/11/2014 09:32

Why couldn't your dh do something fun with ds2 so that you and ds1 could go to the party?

I think you need to talk to your friend or you're going to brood on this and end up resenting her.

"I saw x's sister at the party - what a shame I didn't know you'd changed your mind about the younger ones" would bring things to a head nicely.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/11/2014 09:33

I think YABU but also think the best thing you can do is talk to her about it.

redskybynight · 02/11/2014 09:40

Is mum of girl a much better friend than you are?

Did she help with preparation/setting up?

Are she and her DH both friends with host family?
Are you and DH both friend with host family or is it mainly you?

I have to admit when I read your post I really couldn't understand why you wouldn't just leave DS2 with DH and go to the adult party yourself?

SmellyMuffin · 02/11/2014 09:44

How on earth is she being unreasonable? Are you people living on another planet or something? What kind of person excludes the child of close friend from a party that the child would have enjoyed, and then feels "gutted" because said isn't prepared to make allowances.

Also the apparent "safety" issue is utter bollocks. I've been attending bonfires and firework displays since I was a babe in arms, like most people. Fireworks are for children to enjoy, that's the whole point. As long as the adults involved are responsible and careful then everything will be fine.

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 09:44

She actually thought she had upset me earlier on in the week because she hadn't invited him and text me to see if I was really ok with it. I assured her that I was fine with it, I understood that she only wanted older dc there but I hoped she understood why I couldn't go. I still sent DS1 so certainly didn't chuck my toys out of the pram or anything.

We were out the week before and she was discussing who she had invited and who was coming so I did know who she was planning on coming and I knew them all so know how many dc they have.

She has done it before but it was an adult party and she invited DS1 as company for hers so I was fine with that. DS2 would have hated it.

OP posts:

Original poster

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 09:48

No, I am a much closer friend and would have helped with the prep too if I had attended. We are both friends with the other mum and go out with her 3-4 times a year. Me and party mum see each other about twice a week as we'll as at school etc.

No-ones DH is that close to either party mum or dad but they all know each other.

This morning she has text to see if I had a good night and said she wished I had been at hers

OP posts:

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