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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this.

85 replies

flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 01:01

DS1 (11) is very good friends with a boy from school and because of this, I have become very good friends with his mum. We go for nights out, coffee mornings and go away for weekends. She has another DS who is older and I have DS2 who is younger.

DS1 was invited to her DS's bonfire party tonight. Her DS was inviting some of his friends from school and then she was having an adult party afterwards with the mum's of some of the invited children. The children whose parents she didn't know went home.

I was invited to the adult party afterwards but she didn't want to invite DS2 (who is 7) as she just wanted it to be the older ones. I was completely fine with this but said that I couldn't attend as I would have to do something with him myself for bonfire night and he would be upset if me, DH and DS1 all went to a party that he would have enjoyed without him. She was a bit gutted that I wasn't going to come but understood.

So tonight I went to pick DS1 up from the party and noticed that another one of the mums from school had brought her DD who is in the year above my DS2 but only a few months older than him. DS1 said that this girl had been given an invite so not just a mum who had ignored requests not to bring younger ones.

I will point out now that my DS2 has learning difficulties and is developmentally delayed but he is not in any way disruptive, loves parties, sociable etc and usually my friend is complimentary about him.

Should I be upset and mention it to her or AIBU. I'm really not sure or if I am just a bit too close to be objective.

All I can see is that she didn't invite my DS2, not because he was too young but because he has SN.

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 02/11/2014 09:53

Ok. Well if she's a friend then give her the benefit of telling her that you're confused (more diplomatic than upset) as to why another 7 year old was there when she'd said there would be no younger children.

Still don't know why ds2 and dh couldn't have enjoyed an evening together but presumably you have your reasons.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 09:57

I suppose they could have done but a choice between spending Saturday night with DH and DS2 enjoying fireworks or school mums (while 11 year old DS1 ignores me as they tend to do while with their friends), that's what I decided to do. I ended up inviting my sister and DH's brother and their families too.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 02/11/2014 10:04

I think your friend has handed this really badly. Did she really think you'd leave your child with SEN at home and go off to a party with your other son without him? How did she think he might feel about this? And then she was 'gutted' you couldn't come?? I am quite frankly astounded. Bonfire parties are for all ages, everybody can enjoy them. She should have been more inclusive, not less.

I'm surprised you were ok with it, given she is a good friend. This is why I'd be upset, seeing the other girl there maybe made you feel you had been very accommodating and that she had misled you about the reasoning and that perhaps the friendship isn't as as strong as you thought. Speak to her.

Thrholidaysarecoming · 02/11/2014 10:17

Well if they were both seven you need to talk to her. I took it she was the year above maybe by a few months but actually eight.

Yes I would ask her. I wouldn't be impressed either. It's unfair especially as you socialise a lot ..weekends away ect.. I would see that more as a family friend.

Talk to her.

OiGiveItBack · 02/11/2014 10:17

Ok, I just typed a long post saying how I thought YANBU and that your friend was but have changed my mind.
I think the fact that it was TWO parties makes her stance more understandable - I still think she was being very thoughtless but not U. The kids party was for the kids - fair enough your DC2 wasn't invited and the adults party was for the adults - fair enough your DC2 wasn't invited. It's a very thoughtless way of doing it but if it was never intended as a 'family' event then it, sort of, explains it.

The only problem was that the other child was there - however, you just can't know why she got an invite. They may be a reason that you don't know about so I think you should dismiss it as a concern.

OiGiveItBack · 02/11/2014 10:22

Sorry, I forgot to add that I would tell her that it was awkward for you and that you thought it might be because of your sons LDs - she was very thoughtless and going on about it to you afterwards is peculiar.

Even though, I think, I may be able to see where she was coming from i think nearly everyone would have invited both your sons.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 10:22

It was just one party for adults. If you as an adult were invited then you came for the full event. Some of the kids invited without parents invited just came for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
OiGiveItBack · 02/11/2014 10:24

Oh, sorry I misunderstood... Ok I will go back to YANBU then.Smile

Frogme · 02/11/2014 10:27

I understand why you are upset and the friend could have handled it better.

But
The kids invited were all at a higher school regardless of actual age. Also the other 7 year old was developmentally very close to the 8 year olds and would probably have fitted in quite easily. Unfortunately there would be a much bigger developmental age gap between your ds and the others. So yes, I agree, it probably is about his sn. But understandable in a way. She was being a bit mean though. Probably she was doing it so the older kids felt it was an older kids party. If this was a one off I'd let it go. If she is normally understanding and accommodating re your ds, then it's more reasonable to put her own dcs wishes first, sometimes.

If it becomes a regular thing then you may have to rethink the friendship. I think she was worried about how you would take it, hence the text earlier in the week. She obviously wanted you there too. I suspect she was doing it because her own children wanted a more grown up party themselves and had specifically said they didn't want to "look after" your ds. I think she felt in a awkward position trying to balance their needs and yours and hers. She wanted you to go too, so she was probably also a little disappointed that she couldn't invite younger ds. As a one off, ok to go with her kids wishes. On a regular basis, not so much.

Original poster
flappytrousers · 02/11/2014 10:36

The other children were 11 not 8 so even the nt 7 year old is not that close in age.

If that girl hadn't been there I would totally have understood that the other children wanted a grown up party and if party mum had have been that bothered about my feelings then she surely would have kept it as just 11 year olds. My friend has 2 boys and this was a girl that they don't play with. She ended up according to DS hanging around with one of the 14 year olds who was a girl.

OP posts:
OhReallyDear · 02/11/2014 10:38

I don't really understand people saying there was a school year limit for the party. Sure enough, after repeating 20 times that she wanted OP to come, her "friend" could have realised that there would be a 7 year old so a second one wouldn't be a problem.

How can you not see how hurtful it is for OP to be told that 7 year olds were too young to attend, then see a 7 year old there?

OP, I would talk the mother, maybe just telling her that your son really enjoyed the party and that you really regret missing the party and that you were a bit surprised to see a 7 year old there.

You don't know what happened, maybe her son gave the invitation to his friend when his sister was there, she thought she was invited and the mother was too embarassed tot ell anything when they showed up.

I don't think you will be able to just forget about it, something will be broken so you might as well talk about it. Maybe your son is more hard work than you think and she really feared for his security. If it is the case, you should accept it. But talking about it will help getting over it.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 02/11/2014 10:48

Obviously when you host a party you can invite who you like but in this situation there is no way I would invite a whole family but expect them to leave behind one child. If it had just been an invite for your oldest I would probably say fair enough but personally I wouldn't do something like this to a friend even if I didn't particularly want their youngest child there.

Itsfab · 02/11/2014 10:50

I would have to ask her why she had a cut off age of 11 which meant your DS2 couldn't get yet you invited another 7 year old child. She obviously wanted you there, she knew why you couldn't go yet she didn't offer to let you bring your DS2. IS there a problem?

Then see what she says.

I have a friend with two children. Her youngest is the same school year as my youngest and her eldest is in between my older two. Only the youngest ones know each other though not been at school together for two years. She never wants to meet up with the children. Says she doesn't think they will get on. My children always make friends with strangers within minutes of meeting at the pool or the park so I don't buy it. I made a comment and now won't ask again. I assume it is because sometimes my kids aren't well behaved with me. She is never going to say that to me so I make assumptions and are hurt for a bit or make her uncomfortable by asking why not. I have decided to let it go and still see her as it doesn't stop us being friends.

QueenBean · 02/11/2014 10:56

Pointless everyone speculating on here - JUST ASK HER. If she's any kind of friend she'll appreciate the honest discussion

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 02/11/2014 11:00

Personally I think the minute she started inviting parents too it became a "family party" and your ds2 is part of your family.

aermingers · 02/11/2014 11:03

What? She organised a party and invited every member of your family except one who was excluded? It doesn't matter, even if the other girl went, it's just damn rude and a nasty thing to do. I can't believe anyone normal would think it was okay to invite an entire family but exclude one member.

Sunna · 02/11/2014 11:08

You think she was unreasonable. So finish your relationship with her, if that's how you feel.

coolaschmoola · 02/11/2014 11:14

If you are as close as you say, then talk to her! She's the only person who actually knows what happened.

hippo123 · 02/11/2014 13:45

I totally agree with frogme who has put it much better than I could have.

Frogme · 02/11/2014 17:56

If her kids didn't want your ds there, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't like him. They may love spending time with him normally. It maybe that they know he would be hanging around them and just for this once want a more grown up experience. I'm sure parents with children with sn also sometimes arrange things so their nt dcs can do things on their own.

I think it was done clumsily and the other 7 year old shouldn't have been invited but you may be reading far too much into it.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2014 18:07

I think she has been very hurtful.

She has ONLY excluded YOUR DS. She invited another 7 yo. School years mean nothing and nor does your DS's behaviour which isn't bad anyway and you and your DH would have managed.

I don't know what was going through her head, but it's not nice, whatever it is. I would talk to her and see where it gets you. Some friendships you think are good, turn out to be paper thin.

There is no way I'd be friends with her and only ever see her without DS. No way. I wouldn't check my kids at the door.

I really, really can't understand many of the replies you have had on this thread, I just can't.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2014 18:18

In fact I probably would have replied to her text this morning, something along the lines of...

'You wish I'd been there? Really? We could have come, we'd would have liked to have come, but for some unknown reason you didn't want DS2 there? Inviting OtherGirl, who is the same age as DS2, highlights the fact that DS2 was the only one left out of the invitations. I hope you realise how confused and hurt I am by it'

Frogme · 02/11/2014 18:22

It probably does need a discussion with her, but I really do think it is possibly a one off at the request of her children. I'd probably wait to see if it happens again.
I would be upset though but I'd probably understand for a one off.

coppertop · 02/11/2014 18:32

YANBU.

It was incredibly thoughtless to invite all but one member of the family. If she had any concerns about safety, surely she could have spoken to you about it?

waithorse · 02/11/2014 18:41

I'd have to ask her. It would drive me crazy not knowing why she had done this.