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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice. neglection.

36 replies

daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 00:59

My ex partner and myself have our daughter even times during the week. We have got a contact agreement.

I take my lg to her mums house on a Friday afternoon and don't see her again until Sunday morning for few hours before work. My LG always leaves my house looking her best bar the same clothes her mum puts her in which smell of smoke.

Now here's the issue- i picked my LG up as usual took her home and changed her nappy to discover quite a severe rash on her bits. She always stinks of smoke and is always dirty,never cleaned face, never gets her teeth brushed and knots in her hair with food.
She also came back to my house on Monday with the same stained vest and same clothes on as Sunday.

LG mum says she has no money to feed her but yet she can have nights out and get ridiculous stupid tattoos. Her diet consists of fast food and junk like chocolate and crisps just before I pick her up in the morning

I can't cope with the way my lg is being brought up. My hearts broken and I need advice.health visitor didn't help my question at all.

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 31/10/2014 01:11

If you are concerned about her wellbeing (and from your post it seems you may have reason to be), my advice would be firstly to try and speak to your ex and see if there is something specific she's not coping with. if you get no joy, I'd be in lined to contact social services and ask them to look into it. they can help your ex with any issues she's having and support you and your LG. good luck.

Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 11:11

As much as I try her own mother loves involving herself in all this yet it's nothing to do with her. There is no talking,she's caught telling lies over and over again. She even lied to out of hours doctor about what the child had for dinner at hers.
Thank you for the advice,already had social services on my mind to ask for advice too.

OP posts:
Nerf · 31/10/2014 11:24

What do you mean about her mum involving herself? In what?

LIZS · 31/10/2014 11:31

So do you have her Monday to Friday am ? That seems more than 50:50. You seem quick to criticise her mum, what was the relationship like before you split ? How old is your dd and does she attend any preschool/nursery ?

sangfreude · 31/10/2014 11:42

If you've tried talking to her, being supportive, approaching the topic tactfully, also there must have been aspects to her lifestyle that attracted you and you didn't mind to have had a relationship with her.... Have things significantly changed? Are you concerned drugs or an abusive partner could be involved?

Ss support may not be unreasonable if you have genuinely tried to support and communicate with your ex p.

ScarletFever · 31/10/2014 11:44

" changed her nappy to discover quite a severe rash on her bits. She always stinks of smoke and is always dirty,never cleaned face, never gets her teeth brushed and knots in her hair with food.
She also came back to my house on Monday with the same stained vest and same clothes on as Sunday."

no matter how much money you have, you can still be clean - i would speak with SS personally, but also if you have a good relationship with the mum, see if she needs some help,. maybe drop off nappies etc i know its galling to give her stuff she should be providing - but she isnt and your daughter is suffering -

Sad
JennyBlueWren · 31/10/2014 12:23

In addition to the above I'd advise you to keep a record of all the worrying signs you notice as any one might be quite small but add up to a bigger picture when you seek help from an outside agency. Include the date and what happened.

PicaK · 31/10/2014 12:38

Are you both using your daughter as a pawn? Sounds like you refuse to wash the clothes your daughter arrives in (even tho they stink of smoke) but put her back in them when you return her. When you pick her up she is wearing the same clothes. You seem very quick to accuse the mum of neglect when she may just be doing the same as you. And you should both be ashamed and wash the clothes.

Not giving your daughter good food is poor parenting I agree but it won't kill her. Save your battles.

WonkoTheSane42 · 31/10/2014 13:16

If the genders were swapped here you'd be getting totally different responses, guaranteed.

Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 13:22

My lgs mothers mother involves herself in everything that gets commented about. She always pokes her nose into our decisions about lg when me and ex think things are ok and civil between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 13:32

Lizs-No sorry I have lg mon,Tues, return late afternoon wed,pick up thurs morning until late Fri afternoon and don't see sat,pick up sun morning til late after noon. The relationship was falling apart and she cheated towards the end and I found out so ended it.

Sangfreude-I have tried,I've offered everything but to no avail im made out to be a useless dad and do nothing for lg. I'm at my wits end,I do everything for my lg because she's my life.

Scarletfever- I don't care about money and I understand where you're coming from. I give clothes,food,nappies,wipes etc. I give things except money for daughter and I told ex if she wants money I want it legal document.

Jennybluewren-Thank you. Already done.

Picak- what kind of question is that? I wash her clothes all the time when she comes over,it gets sickeningly awful when the smell comes back stronger and dirtier every single time she comes to me over 2 years!
Others have commented the way lg comes to my house and know automatically she get a bath straight away and fresh clothes,ex knows I take her clothes off and returns her in her clothes when it's time to go back.

Wonko- don't know what way to take your response lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 13:35

Picak- didn't explain myself clearly. LG comes mon morning so clothes get washed ready for wed afternoon then thurs morning get washed ready for Fri afternoon then Sunday only have lg for 6 hours so by time it's washed it won't be dried.

OP posts:
WonkoTheSane42 · 31/10/2014 13:41

Wonko- don't know what way to take your response lol.

Just that if a woman was worried about her child's father neglecting the child, not feeding her, leaving her dirty etc. all the posters here would be 100% on that woman's side, and not asking if she was trying to use the child as a pawn or suggesting she was too quick to criticise.

Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 13:46

Thank you Wonko, I took it that way but wasn't sure lol. Appreciate the positive feedback of yourself and others. It helps.

OP posts:
ArmpitBiscuit · 31/10/2014 13:56

Completely agree wonko

Your ex is neglecting your child, not changing her nappy is causing her pain. She is not feeding her properly, and she is obviously smoking around her. Regardless of genders that is just not acceptable. Sad

Contact SS or a solicitor.

Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 14:00

Thank you armpit biscuit.

I'm just glad people can help me and give me advice etc

Solicitor already knows. Just need more evidence. Thank you

OP posts:
LouiseBrooks · 31/10/2014 14:03

I'd be worried. She's obviously smoking around her and not washing her. There's no excuse for dirtiness, money or no money.

Can you confide in your own mother/sister if you have one and see what they think - did they/do they get on with her? As Jenny said, keep a record of your concerns and if you don't get anywhere with your ex, talk to SS.

Incidentally do you think your ex could be depressed? What was she like before the split, was she clean and did she look after your child properly? Does she have a new partner or is she on her own?

Bst of luck and I hope you get things sorted.

vichill · 31/10/2014 14:03

You sound like a nice man. Ex sounds like she needs a kick up the arse which a visit from a sw should do.

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2014 14:07

I absolutely agree with wonko

OP, if there is no talking to your ex and if she's denying treating your daughter this way, I think you need to have a chat with SS.

They could prove to be extremely helpful.

Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 14:22

Thank you Louise Brooks.

Yes they just found out yesterday about what I'm gona do regarding Ss and they know how my lg turns up at my house and they don't get on with ex. Shes immature and constantly lies.

She has changed,she's got lazier but yet her fb tells me.everything she does when she's partying with friends or out with other friends with not a care in the world.
Apparently she is on her own but im not too sure.
Ex own mother even says to ex about child bein fed sweets etc.

Vichill- thank you very much.will keep you all updated.

Worraliberty -yes will do. Will be ringing them when I take lg to ex house soon :( feel so helpless.

OP posts:
ILovePud · 31/10/2014 17:55

What an awful situation -I think it's always best to resolve things amicably but sadly I think this is a child protection issue. I'd suggest taking your LG to the GP both for treatment advice re severe nappy rash and to get this documented. I'd also be contacting social services. You need to stand up for your daughter in this situation, hopefully you'll get the support of your family with this, it must be torturous for you to have to send your daughter round to her mother's knowing she's not being cared for properly.

Shonajay · 31/10/2014 18:13

That's horrible, poor wee soul must be so confused too, neglected at one house, cared for at another. Glad you're taking it further- you sound like a very caring dad.

financialwizard · 31/10/2014 18:25

Please keep a diary of things as well. That way you will have a timeline to show your solicitor.

Original poster
daughterlovingdaddy · 31/10/2014 19:36

Ilovepud- me too but it's just not working out and no chance of having a civil conversation with ex. Yes,already been to put of hours about the rash and got cream and urine sample has been handed in.
It breaks my heart handing my lg over,she's a spoilt princess at mine and then god knows what goes on over there.

Shonajay- thank you, lg knows when she's coming to mine. Shes so excited and happy and asked to come too. When she goes to her mummy's she says no but i can't do anything about it.
Thanks again,having lg gave me a kick up the bum and someone so little can have such an effect on you and the love is amazing.

Financial wizard- im already doing that along with photos and texts but thank you

OP posts:
tanukiton · 31/10/2014 19:48

do you think ex would let you have DD more ? Good luck and keep taking photos and a diary.