MIL refuses to use DC's correct surname

[tigrou]

(first-time AIBU poster - long-time lurker)
DH and I come from different countries, and live in his. Our DC have both our surnames, to reflect their dual nationality and identity, and pay tribute to both our families. MIL absolutely never uses their full name, only ever giving them DH's surname. Even when, for example, I have just dictated her an email address using their full (correct) surname, she then wrote their names with just DH's surname.

AIBU to see this as a deliberate snub? As if, in her mind, me and my background are totally incidental to the life of our children?

We've never discussed why we chose to give our DC both surnames with MIL, but AIBU to expect her to respect our choice without justifying it to her? It's their name, it's on their birth certificate, surely that should be enough?

Raffles, I appreciate that, but it's not unreasonable for people of any age to be expected to realise that times have changed.

And in a number of cases (including the OP's and my own) it's not a distant elderly relative making assumptions based on the etiquette of 'their day' for an annual Christmas card (I disregard this, personally, as I'm not going to explain myself slowly and clearly by letter to a great-aunt I haven't seen in 20 years), it's immediate family deliberately disregarding the clearly-expressed decisions of their sons/daughters/SILs/DILs.

They've repeatedly been told the children have both surnames - it's hardly a monumental effort to respect that, is it?

Get DH to tell her that she either addresses the children correctly or you will all re-register changed names under your name only? Or relocate to the UK/your country of origin......

A digression on the theme of names:

My DM took my dad's (Arabic, double-barrelled) name upon marriage, but only used the latter half of it at school as it was shorter to say (e.g. Mrs Hat instead of Mrs Tinfoil-Hat).

One day, an Armenian student (international school) saw my DM's full name written out and exclaimed 'Miss! You're not married to a Turk?' My DM said no, she wasn't. The student then explained that the shortened version of DM's surname sounded Turkish and that she (and all the other Armenian students) had just assumed she'd married a Turk. They were quite pleased to discover she hadn't and were noticeably more pleasant to her after that.

People are weird about names. Anyway, as you were.

What if I'd been called Evangelina Higginbotham?

I'd have:

a) felt quite sorry for you
b) Addressed cards to E. Higginbotham
c) Waited for the day you told your parents that actually you'd rather be known as Eva.

If MIL thinks she can just make up an email address for your DC's competition entry she really is very daft.

I'm a bit mystified at the "pretentious" comments. We haven't given DC a new, hyphenated wannabe-noble name. We've just given him both surnames (unhyphenated). In some cultures this is absolutely the normal thing to do.

I would send letters, cards etc back marked unknown at this address but then I suppose I might start World War 3.

addressing letters to DC or getting a magazine subscription for them, using only DH's surname why not return all post adressed incorrectly back to her with a note saying 'addressee unknown' until she learns?

Are you sure it's a snub and not just using whatever comes natural to her? My children have got middle names from my country. We never use them, the kids are barely aware that they are called that. But apart from my parents everyone on my side of the family uses their middle names. I find it weird, but I understand they find it easier to use a familiar name than an English name that means nothing to them. I understand that surnames may be a more sensitive topic, but it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to snub you /discard your choice of name.

Heh

I wouldn't want to be called Miss Higginbotham anyway, tbf.

My step kids had double barrelled names and have dropped (different) bits of it. For the person with a double barrelled name its often a fangle, as an adult you can choose what name you are known by (at least you can in Scotland).
As a child I'd ignore MIL and brush it off with "oh you never remember their real names do you". The kids will decide for themselves later what name they want.

My Mil refers to me by my maiden name, and as I'm a slightly older Mnetter I took my DHs name on marriage (as you did last century
!!).
She didn't approve of the marriage (or attend) and won't address me as Mrs DH. Im not bothered as I think she's batshit mad anyway, and ignoring it drives her crazy.

Just to add to the name discussion.

Many moons ago (1980s) in my first propper job the business had an annual outing to a seaside place. You went on Saturday for a dinner/dance thing, stayed overnight and had breakfast and lunch on Sunday.

All employees were paid for by the company but you had to pay for any partner.

The person arranging it took all the names for the booking including names of partners/bf/gfs.

A day or two later another member of staff asked me what I was 'hidden' as on the list.

I had been put down as Mrs bfsurname. And the organiser couldn't understand why I was upset.

MrsPiggie The voice of reason.

I once had thoughts of what surnames will be like in another couple of generations.

Will the double barrelled surnames of today become triple barrelled? etc. etc.

The mind boggles.

To tell the truth, I think that everyone should just keep the name they were born with.

Angels--I'm pretty sure that people would just pick one of their names to hyphenate when they get married. Nobody is going to have a triple or quadrouple name, seriously.

I had no idea that other people's names are suppose to be for my convenience. I was, clearly mistakenly, under the impression that people had names which either they had selected for them by a parent or a name they had selected themselves. I, again mistakenly, thought it was only polite to call them by that name unless they told me they wanted to be called something else, like a nickname perhaps.

From now on I am calling everyone Bob Smith. If anyone complains, I will simply tell them their name is ridiculously long, I'm too busy to learn it or write it and they must not be so narcissistic to care. Job done.

I was married last century (just), cuddy. I kept my own name, and pretty much all my married friends had done so, as did my sister, who had married about 6 years before me. So, to me changing to your husband's name was not "as you did".

However, my MIL is the opposite to yours, and refers to me by my husbands name, even on her will, of which I am to be an executor.

Familyguyfan

rafflesway I too am quite old and my objection is not about advertising the fact that a couple might be co-habiting (shock, horror - although I acknowledge attitudes have changed about that since our parents' day)

My gripe, however, is that my parents wanted the place settings at my wedding, for instance, (20 years ago) to say "Mrs james potter" as opposed to"Mrs lily potter." Now that pissed me off!

Statesman. you're probably right.

Trouble is all the angst of which name to chose will raise it's ugly head.

Oh we had this problem and I just kept correcting it. It eventually stopped when madthing1 was about 6? And asked himself why they weren't using his proper surname.

The madthings like being double barreled even ds1 who has two middle names and a long first name.

Its just good manners to use the right name Ffs unless they tell you otherwise. I often get called Mrs madthing but we are not married and I go by miss/ms myname, I correct people that get it wrong particularly if they are replying say to an email where my email address is my name and I have signed off with my name and they then reply to Mrs madthing or Mrs myname fgs.

I kept my name on marriage. mil sends me cards addressed to Mrs Husband initial husband surname with cheques inside addressed to my initial and surname! so it is deliberate, as we had to say that there was no point sending cheques to my initial husband surname as no bank account matched! drives me a wee bit potty. kids have husband surname even though we weren't married at the time we had the first. Although I have kept my name it did cause a bit of a problem at school so I didn't want to lumber the kids with it when dh has a much easier to spell and no piss taking possibility name they could use instead. I had though I would change it but just didn't wake up after getting married and think I had a different name. so I didn't.

We use my last name as a second middle name for the DCs. So they are Jack John Spouse Husband and Sally Sarah Spouse Husband.
We do have to clarify that their surnames are Husband not Spouse Husband, but some relatives assume they are double-barreled, which we'll probably correct if they get incorrectly addressed cheques!

"In our day it wasn't the norm to live together without being married - or certainly highly unusual in my neck of the woods. At that time it would just not have been acceptable to address an envelope to Ms. S. Smith and Mr. X. Jones as it would openly advertise the couple were more than likely living together without being married."

Gosh- how old are you? I thought I was the oldest living Mumsnetter............