MIL refuses to use DC's correct surname

[tigrou]

(first-time AIBU poster - long-time lurker)
DH and I come from different countries, and live in his. Our DC have both our surnames, to reflect their dual nationality and identity, and pay tribute to both our families. MIL absolutely never uses their full name, only ever giving them DH's surname. Even when, for example, I have just dictated her an email address using their full (correct) surname, she then wrote their names with just DH's surname.

AIBU to see this as a deliberate snub? As if, in her mind, me and my background are totally incidental to the life of our children?

We've never discussed why we chose to give our DC both surnames with MIL, but AIBU to expect her to respect our choice without justifying it to her? It's their name, it's on their birth certificate, surely that should be enough?

I can kind of understand her shortening the name when speaking, but actually writing down her version of it on letter or other official stuff is out of line....If i saw here filling out a form, i think i'd have said "Betty, you've only put down half their surname, you need to add -YOURNAME to it...we wouldn't want the kids getting confused about their own name, would we ? '

DC = my surname only and I kept my surname too when we got married; MIL still uses DH's double-barrelled with mine when writing to me, and when referring to DC. I don't think it is malicious per se at all, more just a subtle re-appropriation of her own DC who probably in her opinion did an unmanly untraditional thing in giving up his surname when it came to DC. It irks me a bit, but I'm not about to make a fuss about it, as I like her and she might just need it for herself. I do however correct if it comes up in company or if for official reasons for DC.

Actually, come to think of it, it bothers me a lot more that she insists on double-barrelling my surname...

I suspect I'm going to have this issue when we have a baby. Does the order of the names make a difference or does the woman's name get dropped regardless?

My children have myname-hisname as their surname. The order was done to pacify my PIL who kicked off bigtime at the idea of double-barrelling at all (we had intended to db the other way round). I think they believed that eventually the children would drop the last part of their surname. Fast forward 18 years and actually the two older children tend to drop DH's surname and use just mine. DH has no objection to this btw, as we always said it would be up to them to decide how they wanted to use their name.

Oh yes, you need to correct her. Every time. Encourage the children to correct her too.

May I ask which cultures you're both from and whereabouts (roughly) you live? Does your DH come from quite a patriarchal/traditional culture?

I have (sort of) the opposite problem. Have given DS 12 weeks DP's surname, as though we're not married we'll be getting married in the summer and I will be changing my name. My reasoning is basically that it's not actually 'my' name, it's my father's, and he's a dick if I have to have someone else's name it may as well be someone I'm attached to by choice.

DM keeps giving the baby 'my' surname though, as 'he's not a Hisname baby, he's OURS'.

My mil does this, it drives me mental! It's all of our names, even dh uses it and still she won't use it!

She does do it deliberately though.

Correct, correct, correct. Treat it like toilet training. You wouldn't believe how long it took to convince my family and ILs that, having been Dr Myname before I married at 39, I hadn't suddenly shed my title and long professional cv to become Mrs Hisname, and that our son was, logically enough, Baby Myname Hisname. I'm not interested in whether they think this is weird, or whether they think double barrelling is 'poncy', this is the way it is in our family where married women aren't chattels and children only belong to their father's family.

Rude, rude, bloody rude. And pathetically passive aggressive.

I would give it to her straight 'you are insulting me by doing this, you are insulting my children. Stop. Now'.

'we'll be getting married in the summer and I will be changing my name. My reasoning is basically that it's not actually 'my' name, it's my father's, and he's a dick if.'

By that logic I presume you don't see your partner's name as actually being his own name either? Or is it different for men?

I think she just thinks she's doing it the 'proper' way, as in the way it was done in her day, and doesnt see it as snubbing you and your family. She doesnt realise that times have changed.

Tell her once nicely.
Tell her once more, objectively.
Then start sending letters back with not known at this address.

My reasoning is basically that it's not actually 'my' name, it's my father's,

Yet your DPs name is his, not your FILs?

This is by far the most ridiculous argument people come up with on these threads.

squoosh snap

Wondered how long it would take someone to trot out that old chestnut.

I added my husbands surname to my maiden name when I got married.
I am very proud of my maiden name and both families know that is why I kept it, however I am always referred to as Mrs(husbands name) and not both.
It's bad enough when strangers do it, but both families do it as well, if my mother needs to give me a cheque, she will write it out to my husband instead as she can't be bothered to write 1 extra word on the cheque.

That argument irritates me no end! I own my name as much as my brothers own theirs.

I like my name, even if it is my dad's. That's why I kept it - it is a part of my identity. Our DC have just got their dad's name because both DH and I are double-barrelled on our own account already and we didn't want to end up quadruple-barrelling them (although our friends did love that notion)

I gave our DC their dad's name because, well, just because. It just didn't feel right to do anything else. It's interesting, because I would call myself a feminist and yet I definitely wanted my kids to have only their dad's name. I couldn't really tell you why.

One of the things that pissed my xh off when we was together was my refusal to take his surname....went ballistic when I suggested he changed his to mine...I don't half pick 'em!!!!

I married my X and changed my maiden name to his because he said, "If you don't change your name to mine, you don't love me." Yes, that was a red flag, wasn't it? It was a more attractive name so I did change mine. Yes, I got rid of him after many years and found a delightful man who didn't mind if I kept my first married name when we married. Everyone was told at our marriage ceremony and at the party afterwards (160 people altogether) that there would be no name change and what happens? Lots of them, even now 20 years later, still refer to me as either Mrs husband'sname or Mrs mynamehusband's name. After all these years, I still stick a label on the back of Christmas cards, saying that the card is from Happy ownname and Y husband'sname. They are gradually getting the message.

Your exh you say?

You too Lilly! What is it with these men??????

You too Happy - D'oh!!!!

We had this until I started calling MiL by FiL's given name. I'd ring up and ask FiL for 'other Mike', see her in the street and shout 'hi, Mike!' FiL found it very funny. About six weeks in she stopped doing it.
(Names changed for obvious reasons).

That's hilarious Dawn!

Maybe you're letting her attitude bother you too much. Don't worry about it and don't get into a battle about it. Just let her write the one surname and be done with it. My mil used to say that my dds name was a mouthful. Three syllables. I just laughed and agreed. Remember the silliness is in your mils head not yours. Don't big it up and continue on she'll get fed up when you don't react which is what she wants

brass yes!!! Why do people think when you get married you suddenly lose all your educational background/job? I hate that people just randomly drop the title for Mrs.
Fooking idjits.