Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL refuses to use DC's correct surname

109 replies

tigrou · 29/10/2014 10:09

(first-time AIBU poster - long-time lurker)
DH and I come from different countries, and live in his. Our DC have both our surnames, to reflect their dual nationality and identity, and pay tribute to both our families. MIL absolutely never uses their full name, only ever giving them DH's surname. Even when, for example, I have just dictated her an email address using their full (correct) surname, she then wrote their names with just DH's surname.

AIBU to see this as a deliberate snub? As if, in her mind, me and my background are totally incidental to the life of our children?

We've never discussed why we chose to give our DC both surnames with MIL, but AIBU to expect her to respect our choice without justifying it to her? It's their name, it's on their birth certificate, surely that should be enough?

OP posts:
skylark2 · 29/10/2014 13:15

"Does the order of the names make a difference or does the woman's name get dropped regardless?"

If you mean by people who object to DC getting the woman's surname, the woman's name will be dropped regardless.

If you mean by confused people, they'll probably assume the surname is the last one listed and that the other one is a middle name.

If you mean what order should the names go in, it is completely up to you.

Note that your DC may make a different decision at some point anyway. I didn't give my DC a double barrelled surname though I use one myself (I figured DD might want to double-barrel herself with her DH at some point). She's started going by my surname as she prefers it.

Meanwhile, one of her friends is sick of her very long double-barrelled name and now only uses half. I'm not sure which of her parents that half came from.

Vintagebeads · 29/10/2014 13:27

My mil does this also.Angry
But now mine our older they put her straight themselves.
Dd asked her why it was so hard for to remember as you have known me all my life Grin
I never said anything she knew what she was doing .
My kids made a show her in the end Smile

Shallishanti · 29/10/2014 13:40

oh god, we have this. Recently my adult dd who has the same initial as me opened a letter from MIL addressed to Ms S myname-hisname. It was intended for me (Ms S Myname). I don't want to make a big deal about it but when it results in people not getting the mail intended for them??? What I find annoying is that people tell me it's 'confusing' that I've not changed my name. Some posters have suggested that ILs will eventually 'get it'. Afraid I have about 25yrs experience to suggest they don't.

Charitybelle · 29/10/2014 13:48

I kept my maiden name, didn't bother double-barrelling, and my in laws are pretty good about it actually. It's my extended family - aunts, uncles who always address cards etc to Mr & Mrs husbandsname. I think mostly they just don't know what to write as it's unusual in the traditional circles they move in. I generally don't correct them, but if it comes up in conversation, obviously I remind them that I kept my own name.
If anyone was as passively aggressively rude as your MIL I would have no qualms about calling them out on it every time.
I believe it will just get better as time goes by, more and more friends are keeping their own names or double barrelling theirs or their DC's names. Like all sexist 'traditions' it will phase out in time as people get used to new ideas and ways of doing things.

Original poster
tigrou · 29/10/2014 13:49

Biggles I think you are probably right, we have bigger battles to fight with the ILs. We have corrected her, but when she doesn't want to know, she just doesn't want to know...
Zombie LOL my husband is French, don't know whether that's what you'd consider a patriarchal society... After 15 years here, I have my own opinion on that!

OP posts:
MrsDutchie · 29/10/2014 13:54

I didn't take my husband's name. Not for any feminist reason, I just didn't want to. My Mum did refer to me as MrsDutchie, knowing full well how I felt but I nipped that in the bud straight away responding 'who's MrsDutchie?'. And she responded that it was just a joke. Bull...

MissBlennerhasset · 29/10/2014 13:54

'What I find annoying is that people tell me it's 'confusing' that I've not changed my name.'

Seriously? It's not really rocket science is it?!

I kept my name, partly because I can't imagine being anyone else and partly because my name is the same as my SIL's, so we'd both be Trudy Blennerhasset, which would be odd.

JohnCusacksWife · 29/10/2014 13:58

Am surprised at the number of people who have this problem. I don't know a single woman who either (a) didn't change their name once married or (b) if not married didn't give their kids the father's surname. Am obviously out of step!

Viviennemary · 29/10/2014 14:03

If it annoys you then do as somebody suggests and miss some out some of her surname. But is it such a big deal. I think double names are a bit of a pain tbh.

elfycat · 29/10/2014 14:05

My MIL writes cheques to me with DH's surname. Straight after our wedding she told me that my name would have been changed automatically in law.

A few times I took my marriage cert in and explained that I had a bat-shit crazy, misogynistic, PA bitch of a MIL. Then after DH told her to get a grip she made my birthday cheques out to DH as it was all too much for her. These get torn up.

She accounts for every penny in her account and has gone on & on & on about me not cashing the cheques so she can cross it off her bank statement. She cannot fail to have realised that I've ditched a couple of them now.

DDs have his surname. DH did suggest we could pick our own surname to share but I like mine and it's mine. It's none of my business what other people want to do, but it is my business, and mine alone, to decide what I do.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 14:06

I know I should be outraged on your behalf but honestly double-barrelled names are a complete pain in the arse. My nephew had one and I spent the first few years addressing cards to him on a first name only basis cause I couldn't be bothered with it all. Luckily as soon as he started to write he decided he couldn't either and dropped one (ours, to my sisters annoyance).

Doubled-barrelled names are the pretentious pits.

moxon · 29/10/2014 14:06

Even the lady at the registry office was perplexed DC was being given my surname. 'But you're married?' she said, 'why doesn't DC have his surname, or why aren't yout double-barrelling?' Pissed me right off it did.

squoosh · 29/10/2014 14:12

My nephew had one and I spent the first few years addressing cards to him on a first name only basis cause I couldn't be bothered with it all.

Wow, you're lazy.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 14:14

No, just busy.

No-one needs a name 23 letters long.

TarkaTheOtter · 29/10/2014 14:14

I would be tempted to tell her that, due to people struggling with their d-b name, you are thinking of reverting to them just using your surname.

TooSpotty · 29/10/2014 14:15

My own aunt has sent cheques written out to my husband rather than me because she is too 'confused' by me still having the name she's known me by all my life.

I love her dearly but I mistrust this confusion. She told me before I got married that she would expect any man to want me to change my name to his or he might think I didn't love him.

squoosh · 29/10/2014 14:15

Lazy and rude. It's not up to you to decide how long someone's name should be.

Original poster
tigrou · 29/10/2014 14:15

Barbarian Glad you at least feel you should be outraged for me Wink
Maybe the surname we have chosen is a pain in the arse and the pretentious pits for you, but it wouldn't be considered such by my MIL who is French and doesn't have the same cultural references. Anyway, does that give anyone the right to not respect the parents' choice?

OP posts:
ZombiePartridge · 29/10/2014 14:16

tigrou I have my own opinions about French bloody-mindedness Grin

elfycat - DH did suggest we could pick our own surname to share but I like mine and it's mine. It's none of my business what other people want to do, but it is my business, and mine alone, to decide what I do.

^^This, exactly.

barbarianmum - Doubled-barrelled names are the pretentious pits. I've got a double-barrelled name which has been that way for the past 150 years at least, as has DH. I fail to see how we're inherently more pretentious than anyone else for using the names we were given at birth Hmm

Original poster
tigrou · 29/10/2014 14:19

Zombie I see we are of one mind!

OP posts:
CrispyFern · 29/10/2014 14:21

I changed my name to DH's when we married to please his parents. DH was happy to double barrel.
I wish we had done that now.

ZombiePartridge · 29/10/2014 14:24

No-one needs a name 23 letters long.

My full name is only 15 letters from start to finish.

What if I'd been called Evangelina Higginbotham? :( :(

Rafflesway · 29/10/2014 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cricketpitch · 29/10/2014 14:39

I keep the name I was born with. DH keeps the name he was born with. DC given both. For ease they use last (4 letter) surname. No-one has ever used both surnames and I do not find it rude.

middlings · 29/10/2014 14:43

I have an even weirder problem OP. My mother, after five years, has yet to forgive me for changing my name upon marriage. She studiously ignores the fact that I've kept my own name at work. Complicated? Yes. Suits me? Absolutely. As Elfycat said It's none of my business what other people want to do, but it is my business, and mine alone, to decide what I do.

Anyway, she CONSTANTLY refers to DD1 in particular as "FirstName Myoriginalname." It is a mistake but it's a monumentally annoying one.

I have no problem with DB names, but my and DH's names REALLY don't go well together so instead of Double Barrelling, we gave the DDs my original name as a middle name which worked for us. But it is NOT her surname and I object on her behalf to DM using it as such!