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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it offensive to be reffered to as "Goldilocks"

107 replies

BlueSuedeStiletto · 29/10/2014 04:50

This actually happened a while ago and it's been bothering me ever since. I genuinely don't know whether I over reacted here.

I was in my town's main shopping centre and walked past a stand promoting a charity (can't remember what for, possibly Syrian children) and the bloke yelled out to me "hey Goldilocks, can you come for a chat?". It immeadiately got my back up and a snapped at him- something along the lines of "how dare you speak to me like that" and carried on into the shop.

I calmed down and realised that reaction probably wasn't that helpful (and he only looked about 18 bless him) so I went back to explain. I told him that it sounded really sexist and that it's offensive. He replied that he does it to everyone- men included- to get attention. I then said that even so, it's not nice to focus in on an aspect of someone's personal appearance- how would he like it if I called out "hey beardy piercing face" or something to that effect. I pointed out that what he singles out might be that one thing a person is insecure about- and that not everyone will have the confidence I do to confront him, so he may be unwittingly upsetting people.

He told me he gets perhaps one complaint every couple of days about his approach, and he needs to be different to get attention. He promised to take my comments on board. Tbh He seemed like a really nice lad doing what I imagine is a difficult job- but I just don't think that approach is acceptable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
usualsuspect333 · 29/10/2014 17:56

You are allowed to be pissed off at things that others don't find 'important'

No one should be shouting personal remarks at people going about their business.

Bunbaker · 29/10/2014 17:58

"it is rude, patronising and personal"

Oh no it isn't Grin

TooMuchRain · 29/10/2014 18:10

*People are far to uptight nowadays.

Dont like being called this that or the other.

You could have been called a bitch by him.*

What screwed up kind of logic is that? Let's see... I got stabbed today, but hey, at least it was only in my leg, so I thanked the attacker profusely. Heard never.

annabanana19 · 29/10/2014 18:19

Too much rain. Don't talk bollocks. How can you compare being stabbed with being called goldilocks?

MrsPiggie · 29/10/2014 18:32

Bunbaker
I am still failing to see why being called Goldilocks is offensive or personal. In what way is having blonde hair a means to be discriminated against?

So if a 6'6" well built man was passing by you think the chugger would have approached him as "hey, Schwarzenegger"? I bet he wouldn't. Why not, after all it's not offensive? Maybe because he wouldn't dare, whilst a woman is fair game?

Bunbaker · 29/10/2014 18:39

Sorry, but I am just not as easily offended as some on here.

I think racist comments or calling someone fat is offensive, but IMO being called Goldilocks isn't.

ChelsyHandy · 29/10/2014 21:42

Bunbaker I am still failing to see why being called Goldilocks is offensive or personal. In what way is having blonde hair a means to be discriminated against?

What, the bit that being blonde hair is seen as positive, and something to aspire to? So its ok for people to remark on blondeness, but not on any other colouring?

And you don't find that offensive?

Or how about blonde hair not being really all that common (although not unusual) in the UK, so the target of the remark might just be a visiting foreigner, or have non-British parentage. But as long as they're not black or some other race other than white, albeit with blonde hair, they're fair game?

Or do you maybe confuse discrimination with racially motivated or aggravated comments? In which case, where would you draw the line? Would calling someone a dumb blonde be ok?

Its not that long since we had thinking that being told you were a good housewife or secretary was the highest aspiration a woman could have.

Any comments about a person's appearance, unless you know them very well, have a high liklihood of being offensive. Why should people who have a certain appearance be singled out to be told they should put up with it?

Mintyy · 29/10/2014 21:47

Yadnbu.

Jaw is on floor at people telling you yabu.

Fucking hell this site is dumbed down.

itsbetterthanabox · 29/10/2014 21:51

Yanbu. He knows that women get cat called and street harassed so copying that style to make money is just unacceptable. It is sexist as it will have more of an impact on women for that reason.

TooMuchRain · 29/10/2014 22:17

I didn't compare the two Hmm

I was making the point that the 'be grateful it wasn't worse' argument is totally illogical and not one that you would apply to life in general

saintsandpoets · 29/10/2014 22:19

No, sorry CatKisser. This one was in Manchester.

saintsandpoets · 29/10/2014 22:22

It is sexist because a man would never be referred to as a children's book character.

Not sure this is true, there are a host of Harry Potter characters that are used to take the piss out of adult men. Dobby, for Putin, for example. Or my postman, who gets Dumbledore from the man next door.

shadowdancer · 29/10/2014 23:11

People call my little boy Goldilocks, he has golden locks. I think it's sweet.

Original poster
BlueSuedeStiletto · 30/10/2014 03:27

Thanks all for your comments. Some interesting thoughts.

@Bunbaker- it's personal because it is a specific comment on my appearance. It's offensive because I am not just a person with blonde hair, I am in intelligent well Informed woman and I don't need to be essentially catcalled in order to talk to me about a charity.

Other posters have hit on a good point. I am a white woman with blonde hair. If I was black, would "hey, blacky" be seen as acceptable? That's a similar personal comment no? Just referring to the colour of her hair?

I agree with the poster who mentoned builders. If it had been yelled out by one of these fine fellows, there would be a lot more support for the YANBU side!

OP posts:
Ir1na · 30/10/2014 03:39

YANBU to find chuggers irritating but I don't see the problem with that part!

Inboxer · 30/10/2014 04:14

Yeah but I bet if he'd had some porridge, you would have had some ...

PumpkinGordino · 30/10/2014 06:51

No I don't think it's the same as someone shouting that at black person. White women with blonde hair have not been abused for their race for centuries

However, it is sexist because I sincerely doubt he would have called out to a man in the same way, and it is women who have to put up with this sort of shit when they are just trying to go about their business and not bother anyone

Roussette · 30/10/2014 09:13

I just think there are more important things going on in this world. It wouldn't even enter my headspace to get uptight about this, and I honestly do think some people just overthink things.

To be honest, I sometimes feel I daren't be friendly to strangers, look at a baby, smile at anyone, thank anyone, do anything basically... for fear of causing offence. Everyone seems to be going round ready to shout or verbally attack for some perceived misdemenour that is completely unintentionally done to cause offence. And I think it's worse for men.

hackmum · 30/10/2014 09:33

I would find it rude and patronising, and part of a pattern of behaviour in which men thinks it's OK to call women names. You could be a CEO or a vice-chancellor and still there'd be some 18-year old bloke who thought it was okay to yell out "Goldilocks!"

Having said that, I might give the guy the smidgeon of the benefit of the doubt on the basis that it's hard to attract someone's attention if you don't know what their name is.

hackmum · 30/10/2014 09:36

Roussette: " And I think it's worse for men."

Possibly because it's only men who do this - I can't imagine, as a woman, ever shouting out "Goldilocks!" to a man, or "Hello, darling" or "Cheer up, it may never happen" or "Give us a smile, love", which men seem to routinely think they have the right to say.

So perhaps the reason men get criticised more for it is because they're the ones who do it.

Roussette · 30/10/2014 09:49

Well... I'm glad men are different to women (life would be boring otherwise) and I can honestly say I don't get the "cheer up love" (maybe I smile too much) or "hello darling" but if it has happened, I haven't particularly noticed because I'm too busy getting on with my life. My senses aren't honed to pick it up and criticise that person. People can't do right for doing wrong.

I smiled at a beautiful little baby in a buggy the other day (nothing OTT, no touching, just a second of spontaneous quick delight from me seeing a gorgeous baby). Well.... the look the mother gave me was enough to kill me off. Ridiculous. Let's all shuffle round looking at the floor.

The young lad was just trying to be be jovial and friendly, that's all.

ChelsyHandy · 30/10/2014 10:06

Pumpkin No I don't think it's the same as someone shouting that at black person. White women with blonde hair have not been abused for their race for centuries

Its the same indirect racism. You are assuming that its better to be white and blonde than black and dark. So therefore someone shouted at in the street for their colouring, as long as it is the former, should not be offended.

That is actually such an ingrained, racist attitude that you can't even comprehend how offensive it is.

Rousette I just think there are more important things going on in this world. It wouldn't even enter my headspace to get uptight about this, and I honestly do think some people just overthink things.

Again, this is ingrained patterns of thinking about race and gender. Comments about appearance in general from strangers are likely to cause offence/alarm, whatever you might call it, and just because you might ignore it or not think about it has very little bearing on whether its offensive or not.

I do think racism and sexism are important, as is the acceptance of shouting comments at people in the streets. Yes it was a charity collector and probably not badly intended, but its the attitude that this sort of thing is ok that's offensive. Times have changed.

Roussette · 30/10/2014 10:22

Times have obviously changed, yes. But I still stand by the fact that the pendulum has swung too far the other way. I think you are generalising with the "shouting comments at people in the streets". Yes, that happens, but there are varying degrees with this. Sometimes it's just the marketholder saying "OK, love, there's yer spuds, have a good day" right through to wolfwhistling. We shouldn't assume all are the same, they're not.

Also you say comments about appearance in general from strangers are likely to cause offence and alarm. Not always, it doesn't offend every single person if it is gentle, harmless, and much like the lad in the OP, as this thread and its split opinions prove.

ChelsyHandy · 30/10/2014 10:47

Rousette No, I'm not generalising. I don't find unwanted comments about appearance acceptable. Whether they are intended to be abusive or not.

There will always be a difference on threads between those posters who don't find such comments offensive, and perhaps who even welcome them, and those who do.

From my perspective, say for example parking my car in the work car park on my way to my very hard earned professional job, to have to listen to some builder shouting remarks about the colour of my hair and appearance, and to be expected to accept it because I have hair of one colour and not another, is not only ridiculous, its also embarrassing and demeaning. Its embarrassing because I'm afraid one of my work colleagues will overhear and its demeaning because years of work still mean that even in daytime, I'm brought down to the level of a piece of meat, whose appearance can be commented upon and compared favourably or unfavourably to others. Maybe if I was actually doing a job that was dependent on my appearance, then fair comment, but I'm not, it makes me no money, that's not what I do and I don't do it to other people.

People who accuse others of overthinking on this issue don't necessarily have all the facts to hand. I have a friend who is quite short, and people will constantly comment on this. Now it is because they were born with a genetic condition relating to their hips affecting the growth of their legs which is common to people of the ethnic background of her mother. An ethnic background that isn't immediately apparent on their appearance, especially with coloured hair, and which is quite unusual in the UK.

Its best not to comment on appearance, unless you know the person well, even if as with the hair comment, you think you're positively discriminating. Comment on other things - achievements, house, car, etc if you want.

Roussette · 30/10/2014 11:19

I take your point Chelsy and I suppose it's where you draw the line. Thanks for your post explaining (I am not being sarcastic here), it is always interesting to read others' perspectives on a subject.