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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect this?

121 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 19:14

Prepared to get flamed but aibu to expect dp to use a coaster.

I have wood effect furniture throughout my house it's the best I could afford at the time, it's nice but budget furniture.

Dp refuses to use coasters, I've noticed a drinks ring on the bedside table, it's not just a stain it's actually bubbled the wood effect covering from a hot drink. I mentioned it but he denies it, it's on his side of the bed.

There are plenty of coasters around the house yet he will walk in and put a drink or hot dinner plate directly onto the coffee table. I ask nicely "can you use a coaster please" and he goes off on one saying that he can do whatever he wants, I shouldn't be trying to rule over him, I need to get a grip, he should be able to put his drink where he likes.

I point out that it's only to save the table and he could also put it on the floor as it won't damage the carpet. Usually he then says if I want it on a coaster I should just do it myself rather than upsetting him.

I'm not fussy or house proud at all but I don't want a table covered in ring marks, I need my furniture to last and it makes no difference to put a drink on a coaster.

OP posts:

taxi4ballet · 29/10/2014 23:16

I'm curious to know what his parents are like, and how well you and they get on together.

makeminered · 29/10/2014 23:23

He has no respect for you and your property.

If he can take that attitude now, what will he be like when he owns half of it?

You have problems.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/10/2014 23:28

Just realised that this is still going.

They're actually really quite nice and we get on well. They've always been nothing but lovely to me. They're always telling dp off that he looks scruffy or he should do this or do that such as taking ds somewhere or clean his house, things like that.

They are very traditional and as far as I know the mum does everything round the house. But then the dad brings in the money and sorts everything financially and they live a very comfortable lifestyle. Whereas I'm living independently and on a budget so I'm not going to play the doting housewife, not that I would anyway.

OP posts:

slightlyworriednc · 29/10/2014 23:34

How old is your child? Because this behaviour will be directed towards him soon you know.
There is nothing to be gained by moving in with him.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 29/10/2014 23:40

He's 6. I suppose I felt he may be more invested in our own home I probably need to wake up and smell the coffee.

This thread is making me feel fed up not because of anything anyone has said but it's making me think lots and sad and angry.

I've been getting increasingly down lately probably because life hasn't turned out the way I'd have hoped. Not that it's that bad.

Thanks for all the replies really thought I would likely get told to stop moaning about a coaster.

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2014 23:48

The fact that you thought you were going to be flamed indicates that he has worn you down.

I may be completely off target here, but it sounds like you don't think you deserve better than this man child.

The short answer is that you do. Massive red flags - you deserve so much better. This isn't what a partnership should be - don't move in together and please fgs find someone worthy of your affection.

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 30/10/2014 01:18

"... life hasn't turned out the way I'd have hoped. Not that it's that bad."

Stick with him, Pyjamaramadrama, and it soon will be.

Seriously, you can do so much better. You have been so patient with this 10 year old pretend grown up. Sitting down to piss rather than a) not piss all over the place and b) clean it up; what an utter twat lazy arse piece of dribble.

There are genuinely nice guys out there who would love and appreciate a woman like you. You won't meet any of them if you don't dump the twat, though.

SoloSaysHALLOMummieshowyouWEEN · 30/10/2014 01:45

Around 100 unanimous posts to 'get rid of him'.

I've never said this before, but (101) LTB he won't get any better.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2014 09:04

I've been getting increasingly down lately probably because life hasn't turned out the way I'd have hoped. Not that it's that bad.

It's not that good either, is it? You would probably feel a lot happier if you didn't have to watch your partner trashing things you've clearly worked hard for.

He's treating you very, very badly and it will start affecting your son.

Please don't buy a house with him, because he really won't take any notice of you about anything if he part owns the stuff. He will feel invested, but not in the way you want.

StarlingMurmuration · 30/10/2014 09:14

Next time he says "Shall I just go home?!" say, "If you're not going to respect my house, yes, just go home." I bet he'll back down, and if he doesn't, at least you get the insecure dickhead out of your space for a while.

whois · 30/10/2014 09:31

I think, you might find your happiness levels increasing if he wasn't living with you.

He has no respect for you. Don't loose your self respect as well and let this continue I.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2014 09:46

"I suppose I felt he may be more invested in our own home"
Sorry OP, but he really really won't be .

Think for a minute about belongings and what they are to us. We all surround ourselves with 'stuff', because the stuff meets a need/makes our life easier/more pleasant. I can look around any room in my house, look at any object and 'feel' its history. When I bought it or who gave me it as a present, what life was like when I got it, what use it has been put to since then, memories attached to its use. Pride at being able to afford it, pleasure at having got a bargain, affection for the person who gave it to me. There's a reason we keep and care for our belongings, because we have an emotional attachment to them. Even the word, 'belongings' - doesn't that give you a small frisson of security and comfort?

Most people will treat other people's belongings with MORE care than they treat their own. It's a sort of natural empathy, an understanding at an unconscious level that just as your belongings have meaning to you, their belongings will have meaning to them, and you wouldn't want to stomp all over that.

And this is what this man is lacking - empathy. The ability to put himself in another's shoes and feel as they would. He is TOTALLY selfish. And this is not something that will ever change. He's made it perfectly clear - he will do what he wants. And to hell with what you want/need/deserve - that's just not on his radar.

There is a clear reason why you have been getting increasingly down. It is because he is GRINDING you down. He's got you to the point of not being able to see your way out. But there really is a way out. Ditch him. Please, please, ditch him. You deserve so much more than this man. I completely agree with Jux - stay with him and things can only get worse. And "There are genuinely nice guys out there who would love and appreciate a woman like you. You won't meet any of them if you don't dump the twat, though."

Stripyhoglets · 30/10/2014 11:29

he doesn't respect you or what you reasonably ask him to do and he is showing that by having no respect for your requests or belongings. do not financially tie yourself to this person as he won't change.

makeminered · 30/10/2014 12:59

Next time he says "Shall I just go home?!" say, "If you're not going to respect my house, yes, just go home."

This

LookingThroughTheFog · 30/10/2014 13:04

thought I would likely get told to stop moaning about a coaster.

Stop moaning! It's just a coaster!

And it's also a bit of a deadbeat pulling you down. You have the power to move the coaster under his cup. You also have the power to move the deadbeat energy-drainer from your life.

One of these actions is likely to have a good effect on your long term mental health. The other - not so much.

You are a strong, sensible, independent woman. You don't need a man in your life for your life to be really fulfilling and fun.

theposterformallyknownas · 30/10/2014 13:13

I always think there is something wrong with a man who isn't already taken and in their thirties.
Well, anyone can see that he isn't a man but a child, and a child with no respect for you at all.
You could be so much happier without him, his attitude to you and your belongings makes me

carlsonrichards · 30/10/2014 13:31

You need to get this twat away from you and your son. He is BAD NEWS.

Please, today, find out where and when you can start The Freedom Programme to give you the tools you need to break away from pricks like this person.

He has no respect for you.

'No, you can't do what you want in my home. You use a coaster in here.'

He's a selfish, lazy, bullying pig.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2014 13:35

What carlsonrichards said!

WITH BELLS ON!!!!

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 30/10/2014 14:13

Absolutely, "These are my things, this is my home. Do what you like in your home, with your things, but not in mine."

He'll want to rush you into a joint home then, or try to make you pregnant. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs, and see how he reacts.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2014 17:16

Next time he says "Shall I just go home?!" say, "If you're not going to respect my house, yes, just go home."

No. Just say Yes. and don't come back

SaucyMare · 30/10/2014 17:34

I always think there is something wrong with a man who isn't already taken and in their thirties.

now i don't agree with this, i have worked in software my whole life and loads of lovely blokes were single until 30, whilst the girls dated all the exciting, arrogant dicks who treated them like shit, they had kids with these dicks got divorced once the females grew up and realised excitement didn't get the kids to bed.
Then they seemed to see the attraction of a nice steady caring engineer, who put them before getting pissed with the "guys" and trying to lay anything in a skirt.

but back to the subject, kick the shit out until he grows up. He will care even less about his own stuff because "sod off i paid for it"

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