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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect this?

121 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 19:14

Prepared to get flamed but aibu to expect dp to use a coaster.

I have wood effect furniture throughout my house it's the best I could afford at the time, it's nice but budget furniture.

Dp refuses to use coasters, I've noticed a drinks ring on the bedside table, it's not just a stain it's actually bubbled the wood effect covering from a hot drink. I mentioned it but he denies it, it's on his side of the bed.

There are plenty of coasters around the house yet he will walk in and put a drink or hot dinner plate directly onto the coffee table. I ask nicely "can you use a coaster please" and he goes off on one saying that he can do whatever he wants, I shouldn't be trying to rule over him, I need to get a grip, he should be able to put his drink where he likes.

I point out that it's only to save the table and he could also put it on the floor as it won't damage the carpet. Usually he then says if I want it on a coaster I should just do it myself rather than upsetting him.

I'm not fussy or house proud at all but I don't want a table covered in ring marks, I need my furniture to last and it makes no difference to put a drink on a coaster.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 28/10/2014 21:06

"I might as well just die" seriously?! WTF is he 14???? Are you accidentally shagging Kevin the teenager?

He's a great big overgrown teenager, not an adult, never buy a house with someone who isn't an adult.

Dump, tell him to come back when he's grown up.

grumpusmum · 28/10/2014 21:08

I don't think you're being stupid, I don't think it's helpful when everyone piles in with LTB posts. We don't know the full picture of the relationship. My mum is a nightmare when she comes over to mine, she doesn't seem to respect my property, she has damaged a number of things and does stuff like leaves 4pint bottles of milk out of the fridge all day in the sunlight so it's ruined. I've had numerous arguments with her over this kind of thing but she doesn't take it on board, it pisses me off but it doesn't mean she's all bad in many ways she's lovely this is just a bit of a blind spot.

pigsDOfly · 28/10/2014 21:09

Tell to just go home and stay there.

Seriously OP. Read what you've just written.

If that was coming from a 12 year old you'd roll your eyes, tell him not to be so childish and just do as he's told.

If I got that reaction from a 'grown man' I'd be running for the hills very very fast.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 21:12

Yes he genuinely does say he might as well just die in response to criticism or what he sees as criticism.

I know the problems that are there but I suppose like with all relationships there are lovely sides too. Noones perfect I'm far from it, but the problems are making me very depressed, really depressed where I can't be bothered with things anymore and I'm treading on eggshells a bit. Tmi but I don't always want to have sex because I'm angry and resentful.

OP posts:

hugoagogo · 28/10/2014 21:14

No why the fuck would you!?

Is he 15 years old?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2014 21:15

"but it feels so deliberate and unnecessary."
Probably because it is so deliberate. You have told him many times to not ruin your stuff AND HE PERSISTS.

Let's think about that for a bit. What purpose could it possibly serve?

Well, the first thing that springs to mind is that HE IS TRAINING YOU. He does something knobbish, you complain, he goes off on one. He does something knobbish, you complain that little bit less because you dread the response. You end up walking on eggshells trying to head it off at the pass. By the time he's finished, you will be a walking domestic appliance scurrying after him, every waking minute cleaning up after him/placating him.

Is this what you want? Is this what you want for your DC?

Bogeyface · 28/10/2014 21:15

How old is he? Sorry if you already posted that and I missed it.

sonjadog · 28/10/2014 21:16

Please dump him. Life is too short and precious to listen to this crap.

RiverTam · 28/10/2014 21:17

you're not stupid. I'm assuming he has (or had) his good points otherwise he wouldn't be in your life. But it sounds like he's been undermining you for a while, and I've read enough threads to know how insiduous that can be, and how intelligent strong women suddenly wake up and realise what's been going on right under their nose.

Read this back: 'if something got broken by accident then fair enough, I'm used to it I have a child'.

Your DP is not a child. He's behaving like one right enough, but sooner or later your DS will be behaving in a more grown up manner than this manchild.

NorksAreMesssy · 28/10/2014 21:18

OK, pyjama you can tell us the rest now, we are listening and we are on YOUR side.
he sounds horrible and this is not all of it! just the very tip of the cockwomble iceberg.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 21:19

He's in his 30s

OP posts:

VinoTime · 28/10/2014 21:19

Tell him he can "put his drink wherever he likes". As long as he uses a fucking coaster.

He sounds like an arse, OP

Pipbin · 28/10/2014 21:23

Tmi but I don't always want to have sex because I'm angry and resentful.

Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. It is part of a loving relationship but only on terms that both of you are happy with.

Spending so much time angry and resentful is not how life should be.

I suppose like with all relationships there are lovely sides too
If you can't think of a load of lovely things, even if its just bringing you a cup of tea in bed, then this is a doomed relationship.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/10/2014 21:25

Don't buy a house with him. Just don't.

You'll live to regret it & it's expensive to get out of.

MarrogfromMars · 28/10/2014 21:29

Your problem is not him not using a coaster. It is that he throws a toddler tantrum at the slightest criticism of his behaviour.

LookingThroughTheFog · 28/10/2014 21:33

but the problems are making me very depressed,

Pyjama, I think it might be worth having a good long think about this. You are right - there are good and bad bits of all relationships. It takes to to tango and all that. But this one, this particular one, is making you depressed.

I think it's entirely possible that what's making you depressed isn't the wrecked furniture. I suspect what's making you depressed is that you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you at all. Not even a little bit.

When you're with someone who respects you so little, you can end up not respecting yourself any more. You start thinking that you must deserve so little respect. It grinds you down.

You can see it just on this thread. You wonder about someone coming into your home and wrecking your furniture, and within a few posts you're talking about how you're not perfect and you have your house in a bit of a mess. They are two unrelated issues, but you've been conditioned to attack yourself in response to his unreasonable and childish behaviour.

Have a good long rest and a good long think about it is what I'd suggest next.

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 28/10/2014 21:36

Don't live with him, he will be utterly horrible. The things he does now will become a million times worse.

Keep your independence. Cut down on the amount of time he spends at your place as he really does seem out to wreck the things you care about.

Itsfab · 28/10/2014 21:37

Are you listening to what people are saying?

He is a controlling arse and you need to get away from him.

Relationships are not all hearts and flowers but they should not make you depressed.

PixieofCatan · 28/10/2014 21:50

OP, firstly, you are not stupid. Secondly, if your son treated his partner like this, how would you feel? Because all he's going to see is that this is how you can and should treat your partner. Get out, relationships are supposed to enhance your life, they aren't supposed to make you depressed.

WellnowImFucked · 28/10/2014 22:03

Everyone has their limits as to what they're prepared to accept in a relationship. There are things that my friends OH/DH's do and that my friends do that would drive me up the wall.

Saying all of that, any relationship that makes you fell like you're walking on eggshells isn't worth it. EVER!

You have a DS, do you want him feeling like he has to walk on eggshells too, because he will.

He'll learn that been asked to help run the home is all down to you and that stropping means you get your own way.

Is that what you want?

Inertia · 28/10/2014 22:45

Whereyouleftit has summed it up perfectly. He behaves like this because he is training you to accept ever increasing levels of bullying and abusive behaviour.

I'd be prepared to bet that before long he'll be threatening suicide and telling you it's your fault for nagging him.

SoonMeansNever · 29/10/2014 00:43

Even if you put the disrespectful behaviour to one side for a minute, he doesn't come across well.

This is all coming from your descriptions of him. You haven't given any actual positives, does he add anything positive to your life?
We're all failing to see his good side - is there really one? Or is it more that he is just barely better than having no one?

I'm sorry we're all saying LTB, it just seems so obvious a choice from what you've written.
My relationship isn't perfect, and I was once told to LTB on here, but we were able to discuss things and work on them - if your DP acts like a petulant child over a flipping coaster I imagine a grown up discussion about your relationship would prob be hard work.

And yes, if you move in together he'll be far worse.

Cluffyflump · 29/10/2014 00:53

This really is not a small 'thing'.
It is deliberate and it is the tip of an ugly iceberg.
The amount of anger (his) is mental!
You are being totally reasonable and he is setting you up, breaking your boundaries by making you question yourself.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/10/2014 06:52

As said above, it is part of the training. Once you are 90% there, he will proceed to a living together arrangement and you will have no option but to do it all or put up with the abuse.

This is him in someone else's house. Think how bad it will be once you are living together. The whole point of a 'courting' is to see whether you are compatible. And to be honest, it doesn't look like it from here.

So you - you are not being unreasonable to expect an adult sharing your space to respect it. This man, does not.

So...what are you going to do about it?

p.s..a relationship should enhance your life, not make it harder.

MrsWembley · 29/10/2014 22:31

Just managed to catch up and saw you'd added that he's in his 30s!

Next time he comes out with any of his childish phrases, just look at him and say, 'Really? How old are you, again?'

And if he calls you on that then tell him to go home. And not to come back until he's prepared to act his age.

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