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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect this?

121 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 19:14

Prepared to get flamed but aibu to expect dp to use a coaster.

I have wood effect furniture throughout my house it's the best I could afford at the time, it's nice but budget furniture.

Dp refuses to use coasters, I've noticed a drinks ring on the bedside table, it's not just a stain it's actually bubbled the wood effect covering from a hot drink. I mentioned it but he denies it, it's on his side of the bed.

There are plenty of coasters around the house yet he will walk in and put a drink or hot dinner plate directly onto the coffee table. I ask nicely "can you use a coaster please" and he goes off on one saying that he can do whatever he wants, I shouldn't be trying to rule over him, I need to get a grip, he should be able to put his drink where he likes.

I point out that it's only to save the table and he could also put it on the floor as it won't damage the carpet. Usually he then says if I want it on a coaster I should just do it myself rather than upsetting him.

I'm not fussy or house proud at all but I don't want a table covered in ring marks, I need my furniture to last and it makes no difference to put a drink on a coaster.

OP posts:

Sollers · 28/10/2014 20:27

He's a rude ignorant oaf, OP. Please do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

lemonpuffbiscuit · 28/10/2014 20:27

How would he feel if you used his favorite SD or DV a a coaster? He's showing no respect for your stuff, how woul he feel if you did the same to him~?

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 20:29

I suppose I just thought it sounded a bit Hyacinth Bucket moaning about coasters and all. Plus I'm looking around now and it's pretty messy toys still out, washing to be put away, needs hoovering, so I think maybe I'm as bad, but the problem is the things he's doing are actually ruining things, the washing and toys aren't causing any harm.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 28/10/2014 20:32

Stop trying to justify your perfectly reasonable houserules! It's not unreasonable to be asked not to trash stuff. It's really not, it's the bare minimum I would expect from someone.

YANBU to expect him to treat your things with respect, using coasters is hardly a hardship. If he can't cope with that in a house where he is a guest, he's going to be hell to live with. Don't put yourself and your DC through it.

hugoagogo · 28/10/2014 20:34

I really would not get a place with this person- the bit about flinging your hone across the room when shaking the duvet seems really really aggressive to me.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 20:35

He doesn't clean but then it would be unfair to make out that he does bigger all. He does cook, does load the dishwasher does the odd bit of DIY, puts bins out.

He wouldn't get the hoover out though or clean anything, at all really. If I ask him to he just starts blaming ds's toys or says it's all in my head and my standards are too high, or how it's his weekend he can do what he wants.

Then he might stomp about picking things up, saying I've got too much stuff, ds has got too many toys, then he'll sit back down and say he's sweating and too hot.

I know

OP posts:

ILovePud · 28/10/2014 20:36

It sounds very petulant of him to say he's an adult and can do what he likes, I think not when he's damaging your stuff! He seems to have very different standards of housekeeping than you (I don't think not wanting your furniture ruined makes you Hyacinth Bucketesque at all) and he's probably likely to continue in this vein. Is that a deal breaker for you though, does he have other redeeming features?

ChillySpooker · 28/10/2014 20:38

I'm assuming his cock is like a baby's arm. Can't think of any other reason why you would stay with this total bell-end

Mulligrubs · 28/10/2014 20:38

Don't mean to be rude but he sounds like a twat.

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 20:39

I'm looking around now and it's pretty messy toys still out, washing to be put away, needs hoovering, so I think maybe I'm as bad

No No No NO!!!!

Unless you are going round to HIS house, pissing on HIS floor and ruining HIS furniture and then having a strop if he complains, then YOU ARE NOT AS BAD!

You can be as messy as you like in YOUR home. You can spoil your own furniture.

Normal people are extra tidy in other people's homes. Normal people would be horrified if they spoiled another person's furniture and immediately offer to replace or repair it.

He has no respect for you.

Btw, why hasn't he put the toys away, put the washing away or hoovered?

PingPongBat · 28/10/2014 20:39

He sounds like a bit of an arse to me. He needs to grow up.

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 20:41

He does cook, does load the dishwasher does the odd bit of DIY, puts bins out.

Assuming he doesn't do all of the meal planning, food shopping and cooking, then that is only a smidgen off doing bugger all

vienna1981 · 28/10/2014 20:43

Wow. The more I read the bigger the penis image gets.

Please, for heaven's sake, do not cohabit with this person. He might be able to contribute to the household by loading the dishwasher (not difficult ) and cooking (a necessity) but he takes away far more than he gives. Evidently very childish as well. Spoiled, entitled and so on.

I reiterate my penile sentiments. This particular penis doesn't sound much use. There, I said it.

Inertia · 28/10/2014 20:46

If he is this much of an arse when he's a guest in your home using your stuff, then living with him would be a nightmare.

It boils down to the fact that he has zero respect for you. You are there to service his needs. Frankly , you would be insane to move in with this petulant manchild.

Bogeyface · 28/10/2014 20:47

You can be as messy as you like in YOUR home. You can spoil your own furniture

Exactly!

Think on this....

Your home is yours, you care for it, work on it and look after it, it is an extension of you. How he treats your home is indicative of how he thinks about you, ie, he doesnt care and can do what he likes. If you live together do you think that will change? No, except that it will be you that he damages with "Dont ask me not to go out again, I am an adult I can do what I like!" "Dont tell me I cant spend all my wages and not pay the bills, I am an adult and can do what I like" "Dont tell me I cant have sex with someone else...." "Dont tell me I cant punch you in the mouth..." OK so those last 2 were extreme examples but his total lack of respect for you will only get worse the longer you put up with it.

Littleturkish · 28/10/2014 20:48

Sorry, you sound lovely, but you are stupid. He doesn't care about your things, your feelings or, your children's home.

It's a ridiculous reaction and isn't hard to use a coaster. My ex husband ruined my real wood bedside table because he refused to do his contact lenses anywhere else and then denied it was ruined, when it was clearly ruined.

Readers, I divorced him.

People that are selfish and difficult don't just suddenly lighten up. There is someone lovely out there for you, this bozo isn't it.

RiverTam · 28/10/2014 20:49

I would absolutely not buy a house with this man, and would think twice about the relationship as a whole. He sounds dreadfully childish and disrespectful, and how can you bring up your DS with someone like this around? And it sounds like he's done a right number on you if you really believed you are being U about any of this.

Pipbin · 28/10/2014 20:51

This thread really isn't about whether it's OK to ask him to use coasters.
That is just the straw that is breaking the camel's back. If it was just that you wouldn't be bothered.
What you are really thinking is that you don't think it is a good idea to get a house with him and to continue this relationship. You are thinking that you should really run now while it is easy.
You are telling us about the coaster issue in the hope that we will vindicate you leaving him.

I for one say LTB this is not how real grown up relationships work.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 20:52

I am bloody stupid, very stupid.

I of course want him to feel at home as he's my boyfriend and if something got broken by accident then fair enough, I'm used to it I have a child, I'm used to mess and spilled drinks etc but it feels so deliberate and unnecessary.

OP posts:

TSSpectreDNCOntheParanormal · 28/10/2014 20:56

The things you say he does actually sound rather spiteful. You've bought nice things for your home so that you, DS and if you chose DP can live comfortably. You say you're not well off, but that's not really the point. They are things you cherish. It's not a lot to ask that they be kept nice by doing something as simple as popping a mat under a cup.

I can live with many things, but spiteful people should be prepared to be told to do one and not let the door hit their arse on the way out.

pigsDOfly · 28/10/2014 20:56

OP you're making excuses for him.

He's a childish petulant bully. He'd selfish and disrespectful and he's trying to make it all your fault.

Please read some of the many posts in relationships from women who live with abusive partners. It might help you see him for what he is.

You're worth more than him.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 28/10/2014 20:58

I have a feeling you will ignore all of us :(

But you need to finish with him. He is showing you who he is, so pay attention.

Your life and your children's lives will be miserable if you don't kick him to the kerb now.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 21:01

Well it's kind of the fact that if I approach him about anything round the house he takes it as a terrible attack, in fact he does actually say I'm attacking him.

Me "dp, can you stick that on the coaster please". Him "why, what's the problem", me "well it's a hot drink probably not a good idea", him "does it matter, does it matter, it's a cup, I should be able to do what I want, you're attacking me, shall I just go home seems I can't do anything round here", me "no it's just I'm worried it might wreck the table, put it on the floor otherwise", him "fine, you need to get a grip, can that be the end of it I just want a quiet night, godddd, I might as well just die".

I get this kind of reaction every time I say anything.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 28/10/2014 21:04

pyjama what do your friends, family and DS think of him?

Please, please listen to what everybody on this thread is saying to you. Why do you want to live with him full time? Genuine question, I really would like to know what you think this will add to your life, and that of your DS.

Pipbin · 28/10/2014 21:06

I am bloody stupid, very stupid.

No you are not, far from it.
It is so hard to see the problems in a relationship when you are in it.

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