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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect this?

121 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 19:14

Prepared to get flamed but aibu to expect dp to use a coaster.

I have wood effect furniture throughout my house it's the best I could afford at the time, it's nice but budget furniture.

Dp refuses to use coasters, I've noticed a drinks ring on the bedside table, it's not just a stain it's actually bubbled the wood effect covering from a hot drink. I mentioned it but he denies it, it's on his side of the bed.

There are plenty of coasters around the house yet he will walk in and put a drink or hot dinner plate directly onto the coffee table. I ask nicely "can you use a coaster please" and he goes off on one saying that he can do whatever he wants, I shouldn't be trying to rule over him, I need to get a grip, he should be able to put his drink where he likes.

I point out that it's only to save the table and he could also put it on the floor as it won't damage the carpet. Usually he then says if I want it on a coaster I should just do it myself rather than upsetting him.

I'm not fussy or house proud at all but I don't want a table covered in ring marks, I need my furniture to last and it makes no difference to put a drink on a coaster.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 28/10/2014 19:59

I was going to say, how about putting a mat or table cover on? I do that in my house because I am also not a coaster fan.

But then I realised that the house he is doing all this in is your house and he is a guest in your home, peeing on the floor, ruining your furniture and splashing leftovers on your walls. If he does this as a guest, imagine what he's going to be like when living in a house he part owns?

Are you sure you want to be with this man?

WooWooOwl · 28/10/2014 20:00

He sounds like a twat.

Why on earth would you want to live with, and make a huge financial commitment to someone who is so selfish and disrespectful?

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 20:01

Well the way he sees it he's an adult and can do whatever he wants. Which is true, but surely there are some things that you just shouldn't do?

OP posts:
hesterton · 28/10/2014 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 28/10/2014 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 28/10/2014 20:04

My word, I assumed from your OP you and your DP live together, but he's a guest in your house, feels it's ok to trash your stuff and believes he can "do what he wants" in someone else's house.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person, it's one thing trashing your own stuff, or stuff you paid half for in your own home, but to trash someone else's shows a complete lack of respect and manners. This man doesn't care about the damage he's causing to your things or that he's upsetting you. He doesn't care about your feelings in your own home and doesn't think your things should be treated with any care.

This isn't someone to buy a house with, he just doesn't give a shit. Stop inviting him round, visit him at his house if you don't want to split up, tell him he's not welcome because he's a bad houseguest. Although personally, I wouldn't bother being in a relationship with someone who didn't care about my feelings.

pigsDOfly · 28/10/2014 20:05

Sorry OP but he sounds like a bully.

He's damaging your things and somehow it's your fault because you don't deal with the problem? What the hell?

He has no respect for you or your home. He certainly doesn't sound like he wants to make you happy or wants the best for you.

Get rid of him, he'll only get worse.

And stop apologising for the quality of your furniture. It doesn't matter how much or how little you paid for it. It's your furniture in your home and he should treat it the way you want him to because that's what decent people do.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 20:06

I'd be happy with a table cover or even a magazine or something, anything really to protect the table, the coasters are just what are there.

I suppose I live in hope that if it were a joint home he'd give more of a shit. Perhaps I am being stupid.

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 28/10/2014 20:07

he's an adult and he can do what he wants? tell him to fuck off and do it in his own house then.

please, OP, do not even contemplate permanently hitching yourself to this oaf by buying a house with him.

bloodyteenagers · 28/10/2014 20:08

You really want to be tied with this disrespectful knob for the next 25 years?
He has no respect for you or your possessions. He thinks he is Lord of the manor and you are their to fulfil all his needs. He will pay token attention to you but this is only when he feels something on the air, like you are going to lay down some rules. But as soon as he thinks your needs have been satisfied he will resort back to a knob.

Dump him and have pleasure in telling him why. Tell him all the selfish, disrespectful things he has done. That the only way you can remain with him is for him to have a full personality transplant. He will either promise to change or go telling you it's you. If you give him another chance, one fuck up and he goes permenantly.

MaryWestmacott · 28/10/2014 20:08

oh OP, he's an adult so can do what he wants can he? can he just go into a tescos and start eating the chocolate without bothering to pay? Can he just go into his friend's house and piss on their floor rather than in the loo? Can he just pop to his mum's house, take the milk out of her fridge and pour it over her sofa? Well, technically he can, but there are negative concequences of breaking laws in some cases and social rules/basic manners. If you are a guest in someone's house you act with some decency unless you are a complete wanker with no social graces.

Assuming he doesn't feel the need to act like a cock in other people's homes, can you question why he doesn't feel the need to use basic manners with you? Are you less than them?

He doesn't really like you enough to look after your stuff, and you let him so there are no negative concequences. LTB.

minibmw2010 · 28/10/2014 20:09

This is never going to end well for you. He doesn't respect your possessions, he keeps telling you to just tidy up after him and stop talking about it ... How do you ever see this working out?

minibmw2010 · 28/10/2014 20:11

Also you said he owns a house and his mum cleans it ... His MUM cleans it. Why would you ever think he'd suddenly become house proud and care if it was a joint house ??!? He'd just let you do it instead of his mum. Don't lose your Money buying with him.

Poofus · 28/10/2014 20:11

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN

ShadowKat · 28/10/2014 20:11

YANBU. It's not exactly taxing to use a coaster when asked to, or to load the dishwasher without spraying food and drink everywhere. In someone else's house, at that. Most people take more care to be neat and tidy when they're a guest in someone else's house than they do in their own house.

I'd be very surprised if this kind of behaviour doesn't get worse once you've bought a house together and moved in together.

Bogeyface · 28/10/2014 20:14

You do realise that when you own a home together he will get worse not better dont you?

He is currently trying to tell you who is boss....him. He refuses to do anything you ask of him, no matter how reasonable, and sabotages those things he has no choice about (like the dishwasher). Once you are on a joint mortgage he will trot out "Well this is my house too so I can do what I like, if you dont like then tough".

His mother cleaning his house suggests that he has been mollycoddled his whole life and is expecting the same from you.

This will only get worse.

This will only get worse

THIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE

Get rid before he drags you down even further.

TracyBarlow · 28/10/2014 20:16

Go into his house and poo on his kitchen floor. When he complains, just tell him you didnt notice, and besides you're an adult and you can do what you like. Then tell him to clean it up. Then when he says no, do a massive Kevin and Perry-style humph and tell him you can't fucking do anything around here.

Sound reasonable? No? Then why are you accepting this behaviour from him. Don't buy a house with this Neanderthal.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 20:18

Yes, I mean she doesn't go round to clean it regularly, there's been times when she's been waiting in for a delivery for him and has cleaned then told him his house was disgusting, the toilet was filthy, and his mum and dad have given him a big lecture about how it's a basic thing keeping your house clean etc.

He would say, and I suppose I sympathise, that he doesn't have time because he's here a lot. But then it's only him and he's hardly got any stuff, it would only take him an hour after work twice a week and it would be spotless.

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 28/10/2014 20:19

Please, OP, PLEASE see the red flags and run!

He sounds awful! No respect whatsoeverShock And tell him he's not behaving like an adult so, no, he can't do what he wants!

vienna1981 · 28/10/2014 20:20

This man (and I use that word loosely ) really is a penis. Please tell him to extremely fuck off with maximum prejudice. You are worth more than the bad news he represents.

zzzzz · 28/10/2014 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadowKat · 28/10/2014 20:21

And as for he's an adult so he can do whatever he wants?

That's a very stupid argument. No, you can't do whatever you like just because you're an adult, particularly when it involves other people and their possessions. Not without consequences, anyway. There's plenty of laws that forbid people from doing antisocial things that they might want to do, for starters. And people who constantly break social rules and show no regard for anyone else's feelings are likely to end up alienating a lot of people.

Bogeyface · 28/10/2014 20:22

Please tell him to extremely fuck off with maximum prejudice

:o Me likey!

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 20:24

God, he's horrible! I am so glad he doesn't live with you. I'd tell him to sod off - he's disrespectful and dirty and horrible to you. For god's sake don't buy somewhere with him - he'll be ten times worse.

MaryWestmacott · 28/10/2014 20:26

so he doesn't clean his own house because he's always at yours, making a mess of your house and trashing it. So he's not there to make the mess and what little he does make, he doesn't clean up, just keeps adding to it...

does he clean your house? I assume not.

How can you put up with being treated like this in your own home by a guest? Just because that guest is shagging you doesn't mean they get to treat you like shit, if anything that should mean they treat you better than anyone else. He's not a nice person, or he is to others, but is chosing not to be nice to you.