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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my friend accidentally letting my baby dunk his hand in her hot tea

115 replies

Flingmoo · 27/10/2014 23:39

A couple of days later and this is still on my mind for some reason. Mainly just venting here.

I was visiting a couple of young, childless friends and we were all drinking tea. I put my mug far away from where I sat while holding 5mo DS as I'm paranoid about hot drink safely. My friends love holding my baby so I handed him over.

I saw their mugs and the danger crossed my mind but for some stupid reason I held my tongue and assumed they'd be careful with my little PFB. Turned my back to chat to the other friend and suddenly heard my baby scream out in pain. My friend had her tea too close to the edge of the table and being 5 months old he's now a lot more wriggly than last time they saw him, he'd flapped his arms and dunked a hand in her mug, which then tipped over and went all over my friend.

I do feel responsible as I'm his mother and should have pointed out the danger or just moved her mug myself. But I was also very pissed off that she didn't prevent this. I didn't tell her off because I didn't want to let it ruin the day, but inside I was seething, she seemed to blame the baby rather than expressing any guilt. I don't think she even said sorry. Surely she felt guilty. She just seemed a bit awkward afterwards.

She's one of my best and oldest friends and now I don't trust her to babysit for him in the future, if she's this oblivious to risk. I thought it would be obvious but perhaps non parents are not so safety aware?

I should add that DS was okay in the end, it didn't seem to have scalded him as after a quick run under the cold tap and a comfort feed he forgot about it and there was no mark. The tea had milk in which must've reduced the temperature. But the sight of him looking up at me in shock screaming with that "mummy, it hurts!" look on his face broke my heart :(

I know I'm responsible but still a bit annoyed with said friend.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 28/10/2014 10:56

You know my dad is very like this, nothing is ever "his fault". It's always someone else's! It's a very unattractive quality, and certainly something I have picked up from him. I do try to realise when I'm doing it, stop and have a word with myself.

OP, you've probably got the message loud and clear that you're being out of order here. It's horrible to know that one simple action from you would have prevented the accident. But how can you blame your friend, who wasn't aware of the risk the cup posed, when you were fully cognisant of your DS's wiggliness and actually thought, "that tea's a bit close"?

I don't have a whole pile of experience with kids, but a colleague of mine lost his finger when hot tea was poured over his hand as a toddler. For that reason I probably would have moved it, but only because I know that story. Stop blaming your friend, or else one day you won't have to worry about spilling hot drinks because no-one will want to have tea with you!

DownByTheRiverside · 28/10/2014 11:00

It was a horrible thing to happen, and of course you felt sick and heartbroken. You will the next time something happens as well.
But you need to accept that accidents happen. If you are on top of things, avoidable accidents happen once. But there are a thousand possibilities and variables that mean over the rest of his life, he'll have accidents.
Try not to channel the strong feelings those will engender into looking for someone to blame. Including blaming yourself.

19lottie82 · 28/10/2014 11:42

I think the two words in the title "let" and "accident" are a it contradictory.

I'm sure you're friend feels absolutely awful and be more careful in future. Don't make her feel any worse. From what you've told us there's no lasting damage.

FrenchJunebug · 28/10/2014 12:33

YABU it could have happened with anybody not just with 'childless friends'.

Aridane · 28/10/2014 12:35

Accidents happen - try not to blame yourself too much for failing to remove the hot drink hazard...

PurplePidjin · 28/10/2014 12:39

Did you apologise for your child spilling tea all over her clothes and furnishings?

Shelby2010 · 28/10/2014 12:52

Look on it as a good thing that you had a wake up call without anyone getting hurt. Within the next few months your baby is going to start crawling, standing & walking - so you are going to have to get used to managing situations to keep him safe. And you'll still find that they out smart you with their lemming-like tendencies...... Smile

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2014 13:36

You know your baby's stage of development more than your friend does, so you should have spoken up/moved drink away.

I did study childcare (and did assessments on young babies/children) so if it were me as the friend I'd probably have moved the drink away. But your childless friend of course probably knows little to nothing about childcare.

This sounds very PFB and it was an accident. You'd really want to ruin a friendship over this...

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2014 13:37

Lying why would the friend feel guilty at not taking precautions. surely OP knows her child is wriggly, especially when handed to strangers (which they are) and she knows more about the risks of hot drinks than her friends?

great to just blame the friends here.... and the mother to be absolved of guilt.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/10/2014 13:44

SuperFlyHigh... No good reason, I agree, people do just seem to feel guilt when a child gets hurt even though there is no reason to. I'm on the side of the friend; I think it's 'mother guilt' that has caused the OP to post.

I don't think blame is healthy in any event, OP should just chalk it up to experience and forgive herself, she'll never let it happen again.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2014 13:45

Lying if it were me (and I don't have kids) sorry but I'd ensure my DC was kept away from danger (If I could) and take full responsibility if there was danger around. I'd be the parent and therefore responsible.

i think most mums of young kids I know would do the same too!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/10/2014 14:24

I would too, Super. My kids, my responsibility. I'm not always very clear in my posts.

sickntiredtoo · 28/10/2014 15:06

You are wrong to be annoyed at your friend, if anyone is to blame it is you.You clocked the danger and did nothing!!! They didn't because they have no experience of babies this age

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 15:13

Yabvu and very overacting. As you said you could have moved that cup out the way. She should have apologised though. Accident happen, even to responsible parents.

ChocolateWombat · 28/10/2014 15:14

It is difficult when you have friends without children, because you can feel you are always going on about safety issues and being a bit annoying.
However, they don't know about the issues and understandably those things just don't cross their minds. It is not their fault. So although you feel. Bit funny mentioning it, you can now see why you need to.
This incident wasn't the end of the world. Next time you spot a potential hazard you will mention it, even if it sounds obvious. And as it is your child and you are in charge of them, you, not they need to take responsibility for spotting the hazards.

If they were babysitting, then it would be their responsibility. I think people without kids are perfectly able to babysit, but you might need to point out a few basic hazards for them to be aware of. If they are in so,e charge, they are likely to be very cautious.

I think you are actually cross with yourself. You could have prevented the issue occurring and didn't. Don't make it into a big issue for yourself or your friend......we all are a little negligent at times and accidents or near misses happen. We just have to learn from them.

guitarosauras · 28/10/2014 15:14

It was an accident. Your baby was ok.

I use to drink tea whilst feeding my baby. I'm that kind of parent.

Nerris · 28/10/2014 15:19

I can understand why you are annoyed, more so with the fact she didn't seem too want to apologise, but that was probably her feeling guilty.
My mil was in charge of my dd2 when she didn't strap her into her highchair properly and she slid out and put her tooth through her lip :( still makes me feel feel sick at the thought.
just take every precaution possible, even at the risk of upsetting people. Your baby is more important. Accidents do happen even to the best of us, so try not to dwell on it, and learn from it for future.

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 15:22

I wouldn't expect somebody who didn't have a baby to be able to predict what they could and couldn't do. Even people with babies are sometimes bad at predicting what a different baby of the same age might do.

"now I don't trust her to babysit for him in the future, if she's this oblivious to risk."

That's fine, but I wouldn't expect most people to be able to babysit for a 5 month old.

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 28/10/2014 15:23

Did you apologise for your child spilling tea all over her clothes and furnishings?

Quite.

You need to unclench OP. When my friends with small children come round they childproof my childfree house. I usually find lots of things have appeared on my out-of-reach- mantelpiece, pan handles get turned in and the odd bit of furniture moved Grin

I don't do babysitting

RabbitSaysWoof · 28/10/2014 15:29

Babysitting is a chore not an honor.

DillyDallyDaydreamer · 28/10/2014 15:30

These things happen I guess if you don't see a baby regularly you forget what stage their up to it probably didn't occur to her it was a risk .

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 28/10/2014 15:31

You lost me at your absolute assurance that she wants to babysit, she loves your DS. I bet she just finds him a wriggly, pain in the arse who burns her with hot tea.

That made me smile!

Me too.

In reality friends go awwww and gush at the baby's loveliness, in your presence only, and have no desire to babysit. Babysitting is a paid service or a favour, not a pleasure sought out by friends.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2014 15:44

Babysitting is a chore not an honor.

never a truer word said...

CheerfulYank · 28/10/2014 17:04

Babysitting is a treat to my mother because she is oddly obsessed with my children. :o

Anyone else, it's a favor.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2014 17:06

Cheerful - she's your DCs GM obvs she is obsessed by them! Grin