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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my friend accidentally letting my baby dunk his hand in her hot tea

115 replies

Flingmoo · 27/10/2014 23:39

A couple of days later and this is still on my mind for some reason. Mainly just venting here.

I was visiting a couple of young, childless friends and we were all drinking tea. I put my mug far away from where I sat while holding 5mo DS as I'm paranoid about hot drink safely. My friends love holding my baby so I handed him over.

I saw their mugs and the danger crossed my mind but for some stupid reason I held my tongue and assumed they'd be careful with my little PFB. Turned my back to chat to the other friend and suddenly heard my baby scream out in pain. My friend had her tea too close to the edge of the table and being 5 months old he's now a lot more wriggly than last time they saw him, he'd flapped his arms and dunked a hand in her mug, which then tipped over and went all over my friend.

I do feel responsible as I'm his mother and should have pointed out the danger or just moved her mug myself. But I was also very pissed off that she didn't prevent this. I didn't tell her off because I didn't want to let it ruin the day, but inside I was seething, she seemed to blame the baby rather than expressing any guilt. I don't think she even said sorry. Surely she felt guilty. She just seemed a bit awkward afterwards.

She's one of my best and oldest friends and now I don't trust her to babysit for him in the future, if she's this oblivious to risk. I thought it would be obvious but perhaps non parents are not so safety aware?

I should add that DS was okay in the end, it didn't seem to have scalded him as after a quick run under the cold tap and a comfort feed he forgot about it and there was no mark. The tea had milk in which must've reduced the temperature. But the sight of him looking up at me in shock screaming with that "mummy, it hurts!" look on his face broke my heart :(

I know I'm responsible but still a bit annoyed with said friend.

OP posts:
coolaschmoola · 28/10/2014 06:54

You said yourself that she didn't know how active he now is. Not her fault - you should have told her.

It is very difficult to assess risk without the pertinent information. If you didn't tell her he was moving a lot more YABU to expect her to know.

You had all the pertinent information, you saw the cup, you assessed the risk. As his mother you decided that it wasn't enough of a risk to move the cup yourself or ask your friend to do so.

As the only person in the room with enough up to date knowledge of your son you were responsible for making sure he was safe, not your friend who didn't know he was no longer going to just lie still and be cuddled.

You made a decision that you would rather not say or do anything to avoid some preconceived notion that people might have an issue with moving a cup, and that decision resulted in your ds putting his hand in a cup of tea.

You want to blame your friend because it's easier to do that than deal with the fact that you put your own feelings above the risk of your son getting hurt. You should have said or done something when you noticed the risk. As his parent that's your job.

And as a parent further down the line I can honestly say that no one ever minds being asked to move a cup.

It's happened. Accept that you should have said something, stop blaming your friend, your child's safety is primarily your responsibility, yet you did nothing when you identified a risk but you expected her to. It was an accident, you'll never do it again and neither will your friend.

Move on, and in future, if you see a potential risk to YOUR child do something instead of leaving it to other people who don't have your knowledge.

brokenhearted55a · 28/10/2014 06:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yarp · 28/10/2014 06:55

HOWEVER, being unable to express regret or concern is an unnattractive quality in a friend, so I wouldn't like that very much. Are you sure she didn't exoress any concern?

KnackeredMuchly · 28/10/2014 06:58

It's your fault, I'm sorry.

You knew the danger, saw the danger and stopped paying attention. The inevitable happened because you did nothing.

She wasn't to know, I bet she knows now about hot cups!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/10/2014 06:58

I wouldn't ask her to babysit, because she woulld neither know nor care about any potential dangers what? Why wouldn't she care about potential dangers? Have a read of what you just wrote Hmm

This was mostly your fault but entirely an accident. A friend of mine spilt coffee on my DS once, walking across the room she wobbled and it went on his neck. He screamed but after running it under cold water there was no burn. She has a baby too so should know better! I don't think she apologised exactly, but she helped me strip him off, get him under the shower and found dry clothes to put him in so I wasn't cross with her, because it was an accident! I didn't expect a big all singing apology, that would have been awkward.

saintlyjimjams · 28/10/2014 07:04

I am slightly amused by the idea of babysitting being a treat for a friend. OP babysitting is a favour someone does for you - even doting grandparents who babysit are doing you a favour - friends certainly are - especially for a baby.

saintlyjimjams · 28/10/2014 07:08

As for being worried about the social acceptability of moving a coffee cup when ds1 was younger I used to arrive at someone's house, apologise & then go around and shut all the windows & lock all doors. In a lot if houses I had to follow him around (still do sometimes - certainly need to keep an eye on him). That's because he's severely autistic & most people's houses were not set up with severe autism in mind & so I had to provide the safety cover. Couldn't really expect someone with no experience to know what he was capable of. And when things happened it was my fault not my friends'.

gamerchick · 28/10/2014 07:09

Heh I do the turning the pan handles inward in people's houses out of habit.

Op it's a learning thing for you.. when you visit somewhere with a wriggly kid you assess risk and act accordingly. You'll get better at it when he's on the move and will act without thinking. But this incident was more your fault than your pals and I can imagine the flurry you went into with a stern face and no reassurance to your friend which would have made made her feel very uncomfortable and she's probably stewed a bit after the cool way you said goodbye.

Let it go it's not important.

gamerchick · 28/10/2014 07:12

That's why I don't take my youngest to people's houses.. autism really does lock down your house I've noticed.

Catzeyess · 28/10/2014 07:19

Yabu, seriously, if the parent is in the room with you chatting its up to the parent to decide whats risky. I don't have children yet and whenever I see my friends with their kids I'm not really in baby safety mode.

When babysitting it's a completely different situation I am on way higher alert as I know I'm responsible.

christinarossetti · 28/10/2014 07:32

You let your baby tip hot tea over your friend, albeit accidently (glad that they are both alright BTW).

It's her that should be cross with you, if anything.

hollie84 · 28/10/2014 07:37

It was an accident, I think you probably feel very guilty about it which is why you are focussing on your friend.

You're at least as to blame as her, but ultimately no harm was done so no point dwelling on it. I'm sure you have both learned from it!

LIZS · 28/10/2014 07:38

yabu , your baby your responsibility . You cannot expect others to be as aware or even more aware about such issues. Even if they had older children it is amazing how quickly you forget and overlook potential hazards. Accept it was an accident and don't fall out . The first mishap is always the worst but I'm afraid there will be more to come.

JustScreamNobHurts · 28/10/2014 07:46

You're friend did nothing wrong. You're opening post reads like you were testing her. I am not saying you were btw, that's just how it reads.

How hard is it to hand over a baby and then say "I'll move your tea in case it gets flung all over you both", you know the flailing radius of your baby, your friend doesn't.

zippey · 28/10/2014 07:47

No one is to blame - but if you are going to attribute blame, then you should blame yourself. It should be YOU apologising to your friend for the baby spilling tea on her.

But like I say no one is to blame so please don't blame yourself, the baby and least of all your friend.

DownByTheRiverside · 28/10/2014 08:08

Childless people, or those witrh little experience of children, rarely have a clue about all the subtle stuff you need to remember as a parent, so you have to be the one who is vigilant and they have to put up with what they might see as fussing and over-protectiveness.
It's the only way of keeping your children safe and retaining friends other than those with child experience.
YANBU to be upset, but YABU to be cross with your friends.
Do you want her to think that you are now too difficult a setup to stay close friends? She's probably mortified and doesn't know what is going to happen with your relationship now.
Ask around here, there are hundreds of women who no longer have friendships with their friends 'Who just don't understand being a parent'

MrsPiggie · 28/10/2014 08:18

Yabu and it was your fault. I hope you mopped her up and apologised for not supervising your child better. The babysitting expectations are ridiculously funny.

pantone363 · 28/10/2014 08:21

Ex DH came home on his motorbike once, DD was toddling around outside and put her hand on the hot exhaust.

Accident. Both of our faults. It happens.

CrashDiveOnMingoCity · 28/10/2014 08:22

There is no blame here. It was an accident. Let it go, for goodness sake!

calmexterior · 28/10/2014 08:23

YABU

Your baby, your responsibility. I'm sure your friend felt terrible as did you - just be thankful the drink didn't go over baby, you'l all be more careful in future

BertieBotts · 28/10/2014 08:28

It's totally a difference between parents and non parents. My friend's one year old tipped juice onto my leg a couple of months ago. Baby's mum was mortified and said "Oh god! I'm so sorry!" etc. I just said, really, don't worry about it! You just get that babies and toddlers spill stuff. But the way she was reacting made me think that she was expecting I would be really upset by it. No, I just asked around for a baby wipe and dealt with it, no big deal.

mimishimmi · 28/10/2014 08:35

Flangeshrub I agree. I think the OP is in for a rude shock if she thinks being the first of her cohort to have a baby means she will have friends champing at the bit to look after it.

It was an accident OP, they happen. Even to parents.

DownByTheRiverside · 28/10/2014 08:37

They might love the baby/child but find the parent too daunting. Like I did with my sister. Even though I was an experienced parent.

BMW6 · 28/10/2014 08:40

Frankly if I was your friend no way would I want to babysit, given your attitude. Get over yourself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/10/2014 10:29

Your friends may not be 'safety aware', OP but neither are YOU.

You feel guilty that you didn't take whatever measures, I'm sure your friend feels guilty that she didn't foresee the risks and take those measures either. Take responsibility for your own lack of attention to detail and accept it was an accident, the baby is fine.

I wouldn't offer to babysit your child given that you post absolving yourself of all 'blame'. It was an ACCIDENT and it wouldn't happen again.

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